I always tell myself that emotions only get in the way of what I need to achieve, and as long as I do it, I won't regret anything.

Plus, it's better to regret after doing something then regret not doing it at all.

But, no matter how much I try to drill that into my brain and heart, it's not working. Hence, the studying for math and chem that still needs to be done DX

But more than that....nowadays I really don't do anything. Either self-pity or excuses are my "reasons" for slumming around the house, trying to "reach" my dreams, or saying that because I have a disadvantage with my wisdom teeth and food, I have a reason to just waste days and not be productive at all.

I hate myself for this. And no matter how much I try to tell myself that I should just listen to my conscious and the Holy Spirit nagging inside me to do this and that...in the end, I can't even read the Bible, no matter how empty I am.

No, not can't but won't.

Why?

I seriously don't get why I'm so lazy and unwilling...and now that winter break is slowly ending, and reality is dawning closer to me, I wish to escape again. Why am I so afraid of reality and the world? Easy things like memorizing a few math terms and reading a few verses of the Bible, it's so hard for me...am I reluctant or scared or lazy or...? I don't know I really don't know T^T

& I say I wanna audition and stuff but so far I'm not practicing...that is understandable since I can't even open my mouth or eat enough to dance well, but I don't know...I used to be at the top of everything...why am I so empty and broken now?

Is it really only because I'm depending on earthly stuff for my happiness?

Or is it just because I'm lazy and/or unwilling?

Or...is it because I'm just so unguarded about reality and scared [well, if that's the right term] for everything? I'm just so....vacant, empty, broken, and confused :/ I really need God...but that would be coming back to my terrible reality itself, which is one of the core factors of me drawing back into this shell that I never knew was there in the first place.

I guess this is why art, stories, music, and dancing captivate me so much...even baking.

Because they all drag me away from reality, at least for a little while.

I just totally hate myself and wish I can move on from this damn computer :/ nowadays my whole life is in this thing, leaving me dazed and tired and a bit depressed. When people support me, I'm grateful for it and I say so with tons of aegyo and all, but idk, it goes away as fast as it comes sometimes :/ My aegyo comes so naturally though, I wonder where its coming from..which part of me is so good at covering herself up? Which part of herself is so happy like that all the time? Even in front of her natural friends?

Another thing I don't like about myself - I expect too much from people. Something that I should never do because disappointment can sometimes be inevitable, and we're all unique and different in our own way. When people don't exactly touch my heart and understand that well, I just draw away, back into my own freakin' shell again....it's so, so, so, so stressful T^T I even went to this Vision Christian Conferene which was amazing and thought I was alright...but I guess my effort [as usual] always wanes....my effort always wanes in everything. Is it only because I look at the good side? 'Cause even with dancing, there were bad parts, but I kept going because I wanted to get better....

But why does every single damn thing always wear off in the end? I'm so so so so so sick of this......all I need to do is study, work on my essays for mom [long story] and pictures [another long story] and just....just go to God. He's not anyone too high  or hard to reach...He's always right there.

So why?

Why?

And why?

And when...will I ever stop being two-faced? I honestly don't even know who I am anymore...and I still sometimes can't believe I thought of smoking, suicide, or running away to solve my problems...am I that desperate and stupid? 3

*sigh* feels good to let this out...all I need now is...someone to bring me up from my slump so that I can finally have a life D: