Probably no one's going to read this, but I need to clear out my thoughts anyway. It pains me to even write - which means indeed, there is a problem. So leggo.

Nowadays, I'm like the sore thumb in my family - the only kid, the only one still "growing up" and "not yet wise enough" and, as I've discerned from them, "incomplete." Of course we all are, but really, in a household where basically everyone else feels like they've no fixing to do, it kinda .

My 23-year-old sister has an older boyfriend, suffered through a lot of changes during school and college and friends leaving, and matured early and lost all her fat and now is worthy of having a classy closet since she is now not growing anymore and knows how to fix her hair by herself and is much wiser, and is the one who asked for my birth in the first place and she is generally older so she has every right to discipline me as she has done alllll these years. I get it. I get that I can't wear everything I want because I'm still growing and, according to my mom and sister, can lose even more weight than I have already done so. I can "always do better, always do more." Please. I get that she's busy only through her own independence and hard work, and therefore I should work harder as well. I get that now is not the time for me to get a boyfriend, but once I lose some weight and show my "prettier-than-my-sister's" face, boys will come [but I can't date a Japanese guy, just 'cause my fam freakin' thinks the handful of all the people of Japan from the beginning of time are the same cruel people who continuously - even today - belittle Korea; ppl can change you guys!!! What is the Bible for then??]. Because I love Japan though, and believe that the soul is the only thing that matters, and regarding the truth that we are ALL siblings in Christ, I'd like to pray for a Japanese boyfriend. Show them what's up, so long as it is in His will. 

But anyway. I get that because I was the only one raised in America, I have different thoughts, ideals, outlooks, preferences in music, taste, flavor, and just a different lifestyle. I get that I'm not like you guys, but I can't be. No matter how much you try to craft me into a better person, saying it's for my good, and that if you guys don't tell me then no one will and I'll just make a fool of myself...honestly please stop forcing me under your wings. I want to grow. I want to learn on my own. Some things I have learned but I momentarily forget, yet that's the only damn side you see of me, and you react fast to that, saying that I need to fix this and that for the billionth time, no matter how many chances you've given me. I get that I get unreasonably mad, often selfish, and inconsiderate, and I don't know how to communicate with you guys.

I'm different with my friends for a reason. My friends... they have my best interests at heart. They encourage me, help me through something either trivial or kinda big, they're always willing to listen, cheer me up, want to hang out, spend time with me, and want to know about what's going through the good and bad...Even my sister doesn't ever ask about my life anymore - not unless the subject of something that recently happened comes up or I mention it first. And simply being busy with a nine-year-older boyfriend or schoolwork is NOT an excuse.

I know that you're doing this for the better of me. You guys are my family. In the end, you guys are all I have, and I know that you love me. But please...this shouldn't be how you express  it. Nowadays, more than ever, i wonder if it's there. Nowadays, the only person I'm really comfortable with is my dad [unless he's acting a bit bratty to my mom or is lecturing me about some of our more controversial topics] b/c he's never judging of me either and is the least harsh. He's more on the logical side, so if it isn't that big of a deal he even stops my sis or mom from a full-out unnecessary rant. He still is stubborn and sometimes has bad habits, but he has the cleanest slate. He's not the only one always trying to fix me day by day, thinking that I'm forgetful and should always be perfect. Because of this, I've gone back to cussing [ in Korean being my most prominent word] and now the devil has easier access to tempting me with my newfound vulnerability - temptations of disguised solutions that actually will bring even more destructions. God has warned that humans should flee from temptations b/c we'll never conquer it - which is true. So thankfully, I will at least follow this and not do everything that the devil plays out in my mind. It's not worth it. But still...what to do? Even loud, anger music doesn't help [currently old tracks like I Knew You Were Trouble by Taylor Swift and Heart Attack by Demi Lovato; maybe Painkiller by the ccm crew]. Of course, only He will help, though my confusion about God is another topic; might mention later...

Yesterday, admittedly, I said something wrong to my sister. Yet that was b/c, again, she was on her analytic mode and said I shouldn't be doing this, and not even listening but instantly deciding, as if just by cutting it out from me it'll be gone. Up to this point I hate that kind of criticism, esp. b/c of her damn bf her head is in cloud 9 and she clearly thinks she has the best judgment, though she's barely even around nowadays. So she flipped out at me, and said I really shouldn't be behaving this way to my parents, ranting off to them, thinking I can't hear. Freakin' . Or rather, she just doesn't care. This has been an issue for the longest time, but even yesterday, we just glossed over it, no apologies. And by the time I went to sleep at 2 am, it was as if nothing happened. Is that a good thing or not? But then my mom and sis fought toom, and I don't 100% know what it was about since I hid in my bathroom [dark, solitary places are pretty nice, tbh], but mainly my mom was finally standing up to me a bit about the issue - my sister's distorted view about people and fixing them. Clearly she's used to her dominant place over my life, just b/c she declared my birth and raised me all those times my parents were too busy or too soft since I had to come to the U.S. so early and . Well you have to know that you succeeded beyond your expectations - congratulations. Now I'll most likely always be bearing this scar from my family. Happy? [Expectation by Girl's Day now...]

So yeah she went to her car and cooled off there, not coming up for a few hours. It's the longest there's been a tension in this family tbh. Gawd..

And today my mom just got way too mad at me even if yes I did make a big mistake, but tbh there are more days and it wasn't that big of a deal [but then again I wasn't the one driving; honestly though...she just...overreacted. Is she overdosing on cigarettes or something?], and esp hurt me when I finished lunch. I told her that even if there was still a bit of thousand island sauce left in the pack I threw it away b/c it was already dirty from my lunch, and she mentioned wanting to use some on her own cheesburger but not doing so, b/c she wants to try it out on a salad someday. I lightly told her that it may not be the healthiest thing to do for a salad, but she arrogantly said, as her own way of "joking," so you ate all of that unhealthy thing then?

And coming from someone who once planned to throw up and be bulimic - that hurts. Yeah, I did mom, so quit ing making me feel bad about some casual that doesn't even matter. What, does one small packet have all 1500 that you want me to intake daily? [Out of 2200...] I was just saying that it might not be the best choice for a salad, like ranch or heavy caesar and she says that to me. Like, just stop, dammit. After that my appetite was gone. I've found out that my food intake is linked to my moods, and nowadays I've switched gears and don't want to eat. I even felt like throwing up all the food that freshly got digested, just b/c I had no appetite - but I won't do it. God will hurt from that, and so will I. No way am I going that far. But still. That raises a red flag for me, but it's not like she even cared, just watchin' her damn drama like nothing remotely hell-like is even going on.

Also, even if you have my best interests at heart, mother, please stop always having a strong clutch on me. I want to learn from my own mistakes, and do the things I need to in my own time. You can't control me, or make me do whatever you want me to do. Our mindsets are different, even if the general Right's of the world are instilled within us. From boyfriends to when-I-can-date to doing sat's and friends and clothes and weight and , everything's very different. So please just leave me the alone....It's so suffocating. I just want to leave, or hide in the darkness of my small bathroom, and I wish I can just write my stories and get lost in them but nowadays I can't do that either. My fingers just stop. What is wrong with me? Why am I so afraid of judgment, criticism, or failure now?

What happened? And worst of all, why do we never actually acknowledge these or put down our own pride and I'm-totally-right facade, and consider the truth of our opinions of each other, and just have a long, cleansifying conversation?

But we don't. We always gloss it over.

Sometimes I just want to go to APU [Azusa Pacific U; I like that place the most rn, and a close friend from church's dad teaches there, and another close friend is attending there next year (uk who u r, Sharon bb <3)] and just dorm there and just head down to LA for church and hangouts, or go to LC to visit the hometown that I've made memories in most <3 Anywhere but here. I love it when I'm alone. That freedom... [Give it to Me by SISTAR]

Of course, God is still at work. This is not the end. He makes everything work for our good. He LOVES us. HE, the maker of the universe, loves US. That alone relieves me. But of course, I need spiritual clarity, and as always, patience. I'm losing faith in Him fast, esp. b/c of all the character building that He just threw at me Sunday and Monday [yesterday and today]. Admittedly, I've forgotten that He walks with me through the storm, and yes I am very much aware of my first instinct that's bearing its face again - to just run.

I'm just stuck b/w push and pull - faith for the better, or folding into my normal self again, and hiding it all in...yet, I am writing this blog. That in itself is a change; I would've just normally pushed it deep deep down and tried to forget it, as always.

I want to give it all to Him. Yet, it's only bearable for so long...

Okay I get that I don't have enough faith in Him. But it's hard, as I'm continuously here. It's indeed easy to forget the good things, but here it's b/c the bad things still lurk deep within, buried but not cleared. I still can't give my whole life to God just yet, but this is making it even harder.

The vision that Pastor Sam received from God is right - my roots are in the wrong place. If I give my life to God, then I will have them in the right places and bear much fruit.

If only.