Yeah, so it's been days since the news about Luhan leaving the group broke out but I only managed to steady my emotions and actually form coherent words to describe what I feel in a post now. I am most utterly and undeniably broken over the past few days; all my friends are asking me what was wrong and I can offer them no explanation except 'my ot12 is gone' which leaves much more questions that a day couldn't suffice. 

Okay, so after the tragic and sudden departure of Kris (much to my dismay since I have always fancied our galaxy hyung), I never thought I would encounter such heartbreak again. But then THIS happened (not to mention my also broken ot9, but that's not my concern now), and suddenly I am overwhelmed woth such sadness and pain and emptiness and anguish and I just...UUGGHHHH /cries in a corner/

But I would be lying of I say I didn't see this coming. When SM announced that Luhan would not be present in one of the concerts in Thailand, a light bulb already beeped in my head. Over fatigue, stress, health issues. It all happened before, and it led to the departure of EXO-M's leader. Now, again because of the same reasons, EXO-M's visual and EXO's hyung has made the decision to terminate his contract and leave.

No. Don't get me wrong. I am happy for them. I am happy that now, Kris is getting much recognition and his career is doing good in China. I am happy that now, Luhan is home with his family, taking his well-deserved break. I am happy that our boys finally have the chance to do the things they want.

What I am sad about is the fact that, I would probably never get the chance to see my precious ot12 together again. It is almost impossible, with all the law suits, and scandals. It pains me to know that these 12 idiots would never be able to perform onstage as a complete group of 12 ever again. And that is what I am crying about. I know how they found friendship in each other. We've seen them bond, we've seen them struggle through happiness and sadness. EXO's showtime opened our eyes to their quirky and dorky sides. We've seen them united as twelve, and now, things would never be the same again.

I just think that EXO's Showtime would be the biggest reminder to me that my ot12 is really gone. And it's a torture I am not ready to suffer thorugh. It makes me cry whenever I see them laugh together with Luhan and Kris. It makes me sad whenever I see their past interactions, cause I see real friendship in those moments. And now, we won't get the chance to see them again.

So I am not being a selfish fan and say that I don't want them to leave. I actually think that them leaving is a good idea and it is for their own good. I totally support them in that. What I am sad about is the pain and sadness our boys might be feeling now. Suddenly, their long time friend of five years or three years, or more. The friends they trained together with. The friends they ate ddukbokki and fish cakes with. The friends they debuted with, shared glory and sufferings with, had suddenly gone off.

I know what it feels to lose a friend. I know how sad and how empty it feels inside. 

How much more if you lose not just a friend, but friends whom you shared the same dreams with.

So yeah. I am still crying. And I still hope our boys can be happy and safe even after all these. Maybe one day we'll see a Sehun or a Chanyeol or a Baekhyun post with all them together as 12 and then we can all smile and think of all the happy times and forget all these ever happened. (By the way the recent post of Sehun with just the 10 of them in a restaurant really made me cry. To think that they now fit in only one table when before they needed two adjascent table to accomodate twelve of them just hurts.)

But for now, I just wish for them to be happy and be healthy. We are always here for you. We love you guys.

Saranghaja!