“Flowers and Hope”

Author: clasicoustic-

Main Characters: Baekhyun, Chanyeol, Sehun, Myungsoo, Eunji

Genre: Friendship

Status : Completed

Description of Story:

"The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn't said." - Peter Drucker
//
Everytime Baekhyun woke up from his bed, there would be a flower placed on the desk. That's not the first time and he knew who sent it. Without even one word nor a note placed near the flowers, he already knew what the person who sent it wanted to say. Maybe it's also the first time for him to have them for him. They're the one who will be there if he needs someone, they, who always support him; even if he can't see them all the time. He couldn't ask for more.
//
Because only a small, meaningful present can
make someone smiles without a reason
He doesn't need a big present
he just needs one; hope

 

Story Title: 3/5

Not really cathcy but it relate heavily with your story so I give you more credit. On second thought, if you intend to make one shot, please think carefully about the title. Title is the first impression potential readers get when they search for a story and although I’m not a er for this kind of genre, I can say that this title is not really grabbing attention. If I came across this story maybe I would skim past through it. Title can make you a good seller if you can attract lots of customers. Please think twice about title of the story especially one shot.

Because like what it called “One Shot”, you just have one shot to make it right.

Description and Foreword: 4/10

Actually I am quite liking your description BUT I have been very annoyed with the distractions. What are the distractions?

Yup, your grammar. I am a self-proclaimed grammar nazi and I really but really really tick off by grammar mistakes. I know nobody’s perfect in their grammar especially the one with other than English as their first language. But baby, your grammar really get in the way.

You have talent in writing story but your grammar, sorry to say, really . I won’t explain the mistakes here, for grammar rubric is separated with this rubric. I take it that you try to make the description somewhat angst (slight angst) but when I went deeper on your story, I just get the light feeling. You should never do that thing baby. Don’t criss cross the description with the story. Description should give us, the readers, a glimpse of the story. What will the readers say when they aren’t even related?

I won’t mark your foreword because you use that place to write about your infatuation to Baekhyun. But it would be nice to use the foreword for better impression.

Characterization: 4/10

Sorry not sorry for the low mark. I don’t really get your characters and the fact that you didn’t even put conclusion on your story proved my thought to be true. You are lacking on this part baby.

You can enhance your characters maybe when you try to portray your characters based on true people, real life people, not someone from your imagination. Well, you can absolutely use your imagination but you must make them feel real. Your characters is not engaging enough. They seem to stand by themselves separately.

Maybe you can try to put one character’s thought on different paragraph with the conversation one. I get confused a lot when reading your story and that’s not a good sign for an author when their readers get confused.

Plot: 15/40

Like I said, your characterization is lacking so your plot seems all over the place. I give it to you that you have some nice plot there but your grammar and characterization get in the way. Not to mention you can go further with your plot. This kind of plot usually been used for chaptered stories not one shot. If you really want to make one shot, you must write a really long one at that.

You can tell use about the situation on the classroom. You can write about interaction between Baekhyun and other side characters. Maybe you can even write about the paramedics who help Baekhyun at the hospital.

Don’t cut your story in the middle and leave it at that just like that. I get the gist you really want to finish your story without give us proper conclusion. I don’t know even if Baekhyun finally get to school again or maybe if he died in the end. Your end sounds not like an end. Maybe you used to write chaptered stories and decided to write one shot. In chaptered stories, we called that “cliffhanger”, in one shot I called that kind of thing “lazy”. Please, if you want to write a story don’t be lazy.

Grammar and Writing Style: 3/10

Sorry not sorry for the low point. I really advise you to find a beta-reader for your story. Sometimes when you have your own beta reader, you can improve your English naturally because they help you to point out your mistakes and repair them.

I really want to go in-depth analysis regarding your English, but I am really busy right now so I stick to list the worst one. If you want to know more, you can PM me (I’m more than happy to help but you must be patient about that, I’ve been busy).

Your major mistakes in grammar includes:

• Tenses -> including changing tenses in one sentence, not use proper tense in many occasions and so on. Please study more about this.
• Sentence fragments and run-ons
• Punctuations
• Subject-verb agreement

Try to study more about that and you partially ready to go again. There are so many rules in English but over time you will get better, if you decide to study that is.

One more thing, I don’t know if this is my preferences talking but I advise you to think again about where to put the divider between each scenes, the fragmentation. I get disturbed with that but this is minor so you can choose to change it or not.

 

Total Score: 29/75 = 38.67%

 

Reviewer’s Note: Sorry for the low marks, if you want to know more about the grammar  parts, PM me. I’ll try to response it when I get the time.