Destiny

Fellyciach

Class B review

Reviewer: illumina_dain

 

I want to say sorry first because I just read your story until chapter 15 rather than read it all the way until chapter 34. I tried, really tried to focus on your story rather than your English but it is still hard for me. So I will write a review based on your story up until chapter 15. Sounds fair enough? I hope so.

1. Story Title: 5/10

Despite the fact that your title is short and straightforward, I think you should find another title. It is not wrong to use this title, of course, but I assure you that “Destiny” is way overused of a title already. If you want to attract more readers, you can always get the first step done by choosing the right title. In this case, you should choose a very catchy title.

Title has huge impact to potential readers. Take me as an example. If I want to find a new fic to read, I usually type some kind of key word in the “Search” box thingy on the top bar. Let’s try to put “destiny” over there and kabaaam, you can see like 894857361073 fics with “destiny” written on those. Your title is your first attraction to your readers; surely you want your first time to be a huge eye catcher and appealing, right?

If you don’t have any idea to change the title, I have one suggestion on how to do that. I am a firm believer that someone who loves to write must be keen on reading books. I mean read and write is like two sides of the same coin. So I assume you have done your fair share of reading books. You can always “lend” the chapter title of several books. I don’t think that could be considered as a plagiarism, per se, but to be on the safe side you can put some good use to that chapter title from several different books.

Another thing about story title is the title should be relevance to your storyline.

2. Description: 7/15

Okay, I will put your description here and try to put my edited version below the original version. My version is far from perfect but I hope you can get the idea.

Original version:

They say you'll never forget your first love. Is that true? How if your first love who made you suffer for many years come back in your life? Can you let him go and find a new love? Or you'll hold on and being hurt again?

Edited version:

First love is last a lifetime. People said you will never forget them. Is it true? If your first love came back again in your life, would you accept him even after he made you suffer for so many years? Can you let go of him? Can you let someone new into your life? Or would you rather hold on and be hurt again?

I don’t make a lot of change here. I just rearrange the words a little bit and fix the grammar. The idea here is, it is absolutely fine to use simple words on your description but remember to a.) check your grammar, b.)proofread, c.)make sure you attract your readers but not given away the plot.

I, as a writer myself, prefer to just give some hint on my description and leave the imagination to the readers. By doing this, I can get their attention and build up their desire to continue reading my story. Forgive me by saying this, your description is  kind of giving away your plot. We can tell that Hyuna here had a major heartbreak from her first love. Somehow her first love came back again when she was still had crisis whether to move on or not. She also had met with new guy(s) and she became even more confused. Cue the dramas here and there, everywhere on the story not to mention the tears, the monologues, and the anxiety. Am I right?

I don’t blame you with your description. Hey, I can’t judge writer by their description. I am sure you can do a lot better than this. Maybe you can put some glimpse of your story here especially you already have 34 chapter and on going. You can choose from lots of scene but remember just to put the hint, not the entire plot.

3. Foreword: 10/20

Foreword can come in many type. You choose to introduce your characters here and that’s fine. Why I give you such a low score on this rubric is because your foreword is not effective to reader’s eyes. The readers can lose their interest after reading about four or five characters along with their explanation. You can introduce our characters on your foreword of course, but please limit up until six or seven at most. You can always just put their group photo and their group name so it is not wasting your space.

When I first read your foreword, I got dizzy. Firstly, because of your grammar. I know you are not a native so I will mark you not as harsh as usual but your grammar really need improvement darling. Secondly, it consisted of massive number of people. Please refrain your characters introduction just up until less than ten in total or you can just put the one that make the story interesting. You don’t have to put everyone on your story on the foreword.

4. Grammars, Spelling and Punctuation: 10/30

Well, we get to the fun part of this review. I know you are not a native speaker of English, don’t worry, so do I. But maybe these guidelines below will show you which grammar points you should really give more attention to and learn again. It is a good thing to always learn again something that you have already known, right? I mean, you can refresh your memory again and in the end, you gain more knowledge and be more natural to write in English.

I strongly recommend you finding a beta-reader too. I know it is so hard to find a beta-reader but they can help you edit your story, grammar wise. Besides, you can also learn one or two things from beta-reader.

Oh and please bear in mind that I don’t have any ill-motive behind this. I just want to help you be a better writer J

Let’s see

• Tenses (Present, Past, Future)

At first, I don’t think that this one is needed to be reminded but when I read more into the story I realize that you still need to put more attention on your tenses. You often mess those up. See these examples below:

• "How if we're not use formal language. Just to be more comfortable of course. We're work in the same industry, so it would be better if we help each other. "Woohyun said.

You should never put “to be” (am, are, is) with verb infinitive such as “use” and “work” except you want to write passive voice (and the verb should change into past participle form: use è used) or you want to use it in present progressive/present continuous forms (work è working)

• A moment later the MC standing in front of the camera and began to open the show. Kangin and Amber is a fix MC in this event, but today there is a special MC because Sungjae can't make it.

Okay, the bold parts are wrong. Please be consistent with your tenses.

Quick tip for you: Everytime you finish write one paragraph or one scene, you can always do proofread and ask yourself whether you have already nailed the tenses or not.

• Missing Article (a, an the)

Here is several examples of your case in missing articles.

• What the hell is that girl doing? How could she let many namja hugged her like that. And Xiumin hyung even kiss her. Then Sehun also carry her. Is she ?

In this case, you must put article “a” before the word “” è “Is she a ?”

• "I don't know. But I hope she's idol girl." Sungjong smiles.

Again, don’t forget to put article “an” before the word “idol girl” è “But I hope she’s an idol.” (you need not to put “girl” in the end because it’s going to be redundant, you already said that this person is a “she”). Anyhow, if you use noun please check again whether you should put articles or not.

• Avoiding Primer Language

Primer style is characterized by too many short sentences. It is important to note that there is nothing inherently wrong with short sentences. Too many of them in small space, however, can remind readers of material they read in kindergarten or first grade.

Used within a mix of sentences cut to various lengths, short sentences can be extremely effective as they are capable of focusing the reader’s attention on a particular point. Another symptom of primer style is a proliferation of verbs that don’t do anything. It is wise to avoid such mistake. See the example below:

I pay attention at their action once again. But this time I could see the affection that radiates from the exo member. Apparently they really love Hyuna. And that is actually a little surprised is Hyuna. I think she's the type of quiet girl who arrogant but it turns out that she can look childish too.

Edited version:

I pay more attention on their action once again, but this time I could see that they are just showing their affection to Hyuna. Apparently, they have already known her and love her for herself not because she is an idol. I don’t know that Hyuna has this kind of side on her. She always strike me as a quiet girl but arrogant type but it turns out that she can look childish too. Save to say, I am surprised.

 

I improve a little bit so the paragraph makes a lot more sense and I try to combine short sentences and long sentences. Again, it is not wrong to use short sentences but you must learn to combine it with longer sentences. On the example above, the bold part is making no sense. Maybe you can look more into it. 

• Shift Tenses

In your story, I take it you want to write it in past tenses but more often than not, you failed to detect this. It is okay to use present tenses if you want to convey about facts or common knowledge.  Sometimes we need to alter the usage of tenses but just sometimes. Take a look at these examples:

·         "Hyung are you crazy?" Asked Hoya.

·         I cough. "Sorry."

You altered the tenses in one scene. You should be more careful

• I opened the door slowly and allow myself to get in. (not consistent)

·         "L, hurry. You're very slow. We could be late." Shouts Sunggyu.

·         L rush into the white van with panting breath due to running.

·         "I thought I remind you that today we are filming the show A Song For You. Who told you to stay up so late?" Nag Sunggyu.

·         "I'm sorry hyung."

·         "By the way, where did you go at night?" Asked Dongwoo.

·         "I couldn't sleep, so I took a walk around the dorm." Answer L.

·         Dongwoo nodded in understanding.

Okay, this scene is a mess. You constantly altered the tenses. If you are still learning on your tenses, it would be more effective to stick in one type of tenses form. You can learn to change your tenses as you grow more comfortable with English.

• Words Order

Always put adverb after verb à smile shyly, approached shyly, run fast. (except for adverb of manner, sometimes you can put the adverb first to give emphasis)

Always put adverb before adjective à especially clever, exceptionally good, extremely nervous

Always put adjective before noun à a pretty girl, handsome guy

 

• Parallel Structure

Parallelism in sentences refers to matching grammatical structures. You have issue one this one so I will give one example and I hope you can correct your mistakes in the story.

He describedskiing, swimming in the Adriatic, and driving across the desert. 

 

• Punctuations

The most dreaded part in this rubric is about punctuations. There are tons of rules for punctuations in English. Even native speaker sometimes can make mistakes in this part so I am not going to blame you. Please study and read more about punctuations and don’t forget to proofread your story.

 

5. Layout and Typography: 5/10

While I don’t catch many typos, I get slightly annoyed with the layout. Usually I don’t give much attention to the layout because every writer have their own style. But but but, your story layout is, for lack of better words, such a mess. Pardon my language.

Please please reduce the amount of short dialogues between many people at the same time. Two people talk with each other is fine but all of Infinite or EXO talk with Hyuna at the same time and bicker with each other is a headache. It become so hard to understand about who talk to who.

I take it you try to make it clearer by writing their names before the dialogues but this can back fire to you. The readers will feel like they are reading a text messages not a story. I suggest you to  put more narrative sentences especially when you use Author POV.

6. Narrative Elements: 10/35
   1. Characters

There are a lot of characters here. It makes me confuse because the real storyline cannot be seen easily. This many characters also make you hard to focus on your characters development. They all seem and sound the same. The boys love Hyuna and the girls hate her and full stop. Just that. I don’t see any variety. There are nobody who support her no matter what. There are no one sound different than others. They like one person but in the name of different people. They sound shallow. A human should have more to themselves to show. Just like a real human being, please put soul on your characters so they sound real.

 

I would like to suggest more on the characters development for the main characters. It’s okay if the side characters are not that fully covered but at least the main characters can feel more in tune with the story, have more attitude or even more emotion. For example, you can reduce the dialogues between Hyuna with side characters and put more monologues or narrative on her part. You can write about her inner struggle more rather than put unimportant scene like beast, suju, 4minute, infinite, and exo make ruckus about her scandal.

 

2. Settings

Surprisingly you have good idea about your story settings. You just need more detail in explaining the settings but right now you are good enough. Keep up at that.

 

3. Conflict

Drama, drama, and drama everywhere, exactly like I guess from your description. Once again, because you have lots of characters you need like four times more dramas than usual story. It is really no joke. I really really suggest you not to focus to much on your side characters so you can put more drama into your main characters

 

4. Flow of events

Still related with huge number of characters, your flow of events become really slow. I mean for the main storyline. You put a lot of events in between and if your readers not paying attention, they can easily lost. From scandal with Kyuhyun, to karaoke with EXO, to meet with Infinite and so on. I don’t say it’s a bad thing but maybe you can focus more on your main plot.

 

7. Narrative Delivery: 10/25
   1. Writing style/technique

You change your POV frequently, like every three sentences you change into another POV. This kind of style can easily make your readers dizzy (like me). You can try to put only one or two POV in one chapter but more than two, it would be a lost cause. When you change you POV often like that, you are harder to focus on your storyline.Iit’s not a good sign for a writer to lose focus on the story. It’s okay to have side story aside from the main storyline but not too much. Everything that is too much is not good.

 

2. Consistency of the content

I realise that I use “focus” word a lot in my review. It occurs to me that you are not consistent then. If you consistent with the content, I might not tell you again and again to be more focus. Please do something about this.

 

3. Fitness of character and plot twist

Like I said earlier, your story is lacking in characters development but you throw some plot twists there from what I see until chapter 15. I hope you can grow better and keep up with healthy amount of plot twist. Try to come out from the cliche box and throw some really unexpected twist and you are good to continue.

 

8. Overall Taste of The Story: 3/10
   1. Personal Enjoyment of the reviewer

Sorry if I took so long to finish this review. I don’t enjoy your story genre and I have a hard time reading your story without paying attention to your grammar. It is so hard for me to read your story so I just read until chapter 15. I hope you don’t mind but I just mark you up until chapter 15. You can always ask for another review but please not me anymore okay. I don’t dig drama or romance so please don’t be sad with the score I give you here. You can do better if you study more about grammar. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask me.

 

Total Score: 60/100