So yet again I found another way to get out of socializing...this time it was work so I'm not too upset about it, but I'm pretty irritated with the fact that I came up with yet another excuse not to hang out with people. Especially since I'd already told them I was going. Now I'm freting over one particular coworker that has no problem tearing you apart and calling you out on things you really wouldn't like to call attention to. I can't stand when people are loud-mouthed like that. Seriously you have no idea what that person is going through or why they give you the excuses they do. Why try to intentionally embarrass someone like that? 

Anyways school starts Monday for me. I'm happy with my schedule, but it feels weird going back to school after being out for almost a year. I'm happy though, it'll get me out of the house more, but I hope I'll still be able to finish writing Everyone Loves Jello before I get too busy with school. I've slowly but surely been working on the final chapter. So far I only have one more scene to work out and then it'll be all up and completed. I think it'll be a bittersweet feeling seeing the finished product. In a way that fanfic has been a story of my journey...it carries so many memories, both good and bad.

I've been struggling a lot lately with breaking off friendships that are like dead branches on a tree. I want to cut them off because quite literally they the life out of me (and give me anxiety and treat me like crap and hurt me on a regular basis, and make me mad beyond belief etc. etc. etc.), but it's been hard. When someone has been a part of your life for so long...not to mention I've never had a friend for as long as I've been friends with this one particular person. I don't quite know how to stop talking to someone and stop being their friend. I guess it helps now that there's distance between us, but it still doesn't stop it from hurting. Everytime I see those two together or hear them call eachother sweet names it just makes me absolutely sick and physically gives me chest pains. You know that descriptive phrase 'felt their heart squeeze thightly in their chest?' Let me tell you, I know all too well how that feels. Like a hand is just taking hold of your life force and squeezing it in an achingly slow manner that makes it hard to breath. I think I've reached that point where I feel I can finally start letting go of that toxic relationship one finger at a time.

In a way I feel like a drug addict. I want to change. I know what I'm doing is hurting me and my health (both mental and physical), but I keep going back for more. It's a cycle that's hard to break, but I'm sincerely trying. It doesn't help that I'm now practically and only child seeing as my little sister moved out two weeks ago. It's kind of lonely without her. Honestly I can't help but feel left behind and forgotten. I feel like it's so much easier to fade into the background now. I miss having my little sister to be able to have those rare heart to heart talks. I could tell her almost anything and she'd listen. Now I'm stuck with my mom and dad in a big house. I can't help but want to make myself as small and non-descript as possible to avoid any misguided or unnecessary anger or frustration they might want to take out on me.

Good news is that next weekend Kreecherkai (okay however the hell you spell her new user name) a.k.a galaxydies and I are going to Harry Potter world. We even got the two day park hopper pass so we could ride the Hogwarts Express. I'm really excited about it and all the fun we're going to have. Not to mention it'll be a great way to end my first week of school, nevermind the fact that it's a three day weekend. 

Well it's already 1:35am and I should have been in bed over two hours ago because I have a TON of stuff to do tomorrow so I guess this is goodnight for now.