Life has been a bit crazy since the start of this new year. While there have been some pretty awesome times (Hello The Gazette concert in New York where I GOT TO MEET THEM and go with two amazing friends), I can't help but realize how many bad times there have been already. From finally getting some help for my depression and anxiety to losing someone that I used to hold close while the medication to treat my depression drew me closer to suicide,it's been hard and painful. For those that commit self-harm I finally understand a little. I get it. The desperate need to either feel something in order to make sure you're still alive or to create a pain that you control; that will heal unlike the emotional/mental/spiritual pain you deal with. For the people that have friends who struggle with mental illnesses or self-harm; love on those friends. Don't try to understand, but simply accept the person as they are and help them work on healing. It's tiring. It takes a lot of selflessness on your part, but I think the world could do with a lot more selflessness. Just please don't give up on that friend. Take time when you need to if it drains you to be a constant support, but don't offer more support than you know you can handle because taking that support away from that person can crush them. At least that's been my experience.

As for me? Well school ended well (by some miracle I made the Presidents' list for striaght A's), work is getting better, home...well my parents are their usual selves. I got into a car accident and thankfully didn't end up with a totaled car and no ticket was given. I have physical therapy now, but hey at least I get massages twice a week. I've begun to see a Psychologist as of late to work through the mess of my emotions and thoughts and to help me work on the self-harming. The first session was an incredibly long two hours in which I made it all of fifteen minutes before beginning to cry my eyes out as my therapist hit on the loss of my friend first and foremost. You know it's funny how losing someone due to an argument hurts a hell of a lot more than physically losing someone to death. I never realized how much emotional pain that causes. I'm having to face several things I don't really want to explore in therapy and I feel like I'm having to live through the emotional pain from everything that happened starting in Feburary until around April. I don't like it, but I guess if you don't clean out a wound it never will heal correctly. No I wasn't 100% free from guilt during the fight my former friend and I had, but reflecting on it I feel like neither of us saw the fight or the issue in the same way. For me it was painful seeing a distance grow between us due to a disagreement over something my former friend had decided on. It gave me a sick feeling in my stomach with a huge sense of dread that that decision would end badly and I was afraid of more than just one person getting hurt. Needless to say a lot of hurtful things were said and I felt like my world was crashing down around me. Now mind you during this time I was just getting started on my antidepressants and the depression was already getting worse. It sort of all blew up from there. Suddenly I was being cut out and not understanding why (although one of these instances was Facebook being insanely stupid) and things sort of got worse from there. Now I can't help but think of that friend at least once a day. It's hard because I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to escape memories that come to mind subconsciously when I drive to or through places we had spent time together. Admittedly I check their Facebook page every once in a while and it looks like their life is much better and happier without me in it. Granted I don't expect me to be such an important person in my friends' lives, but it stings a little because I still hurt badly from this whole thing....I feel like I'm being tortured while it didn't really hurt them much at all. I'm not saying it didn't because I can't speak for them, but well appearances can speak rather loudly. I don't know. Maybe they saw me as some psychofreak and that's why it didn't seem like a big deal to them. Maybe I hold my friends too closely. Or maybe I just don't understand my standings with people very well. Either way it really and hurts.

At this point I just want to get better. To get to a point where I don't hurt as badly, where memories can't affect me so deeply, where I can wake up and be genuinely happy with myself and my life, and where I don't have to hide in the shower or in my bed in the dark to cry out the swirl of emotions that seem to overwhelm me. I just want to be able to look at my scars, take a deep breath and step forward without the chains of the past digging into my flesh and pulling me back.

I just want to be me again.