So it's 11:30 at night...I should be sleeping...not laying awake in my bed with my mind going a million different directions. I really hate when I start getting into these moods. I think too much and then get drepressed, and then think some more and get even more depressed. I listen to sad songs, read stories that make me want to cry and unfortunately imagine the worst possible scenarios and end up bawling my eyes out until I'm too tired to cry anymore and fall into a dreamless sleep. 

I should be sleeping now...I have work early tomorrow morning, a fact I'm am neighter thrilled or able to pretend to be thrilled about. I hate most of the people there. I don't get paid enough and I hate dealing with getting walked all over. It's time to find a new job, but it's not proving to be an easy feat. I will probably get lost in my thoughts tomorrow. The depression will hit later in the day and I'll have to hide in the bathroom to settle down and keep myself from crying.

I should be sleeping now...not thinking of how lonely I am. No, not the 'I have no friends' kind of way. I want to be held by someone who truely loves me as I am. Someone who will be there to kiss away the tears and make me laugh when I'm feeling sad for no reason. I want him to wrap his arms around me, hold me to his chest and tell me everything will be okay. I want to know what that love feels like.

I should be sleeping now...not stressing over money when really I'm financially okay. Sure I can't move out yet, but for now I can afford school and my car. I can enjoy trips and pay for entertainment. I know that I have more money saved than most people my age, but it still doesn't feel like enough...

I should be sleeping now...not crying over the million and one anxities I have that make no sense and make me feel disconnected from the world. I hate being afraid I'm going to mess up and do something that will make me lose a friend. What if I say something wrong? What if they make fun of me? What if I mess up? What if I'm not pretty enough? What if I don't know enough about K-Pop? What if we have nothing in common? What if I'm really a fake? What if? What if? What if? 

I should be sleeping now...not letting myself panic and feel trapped when I think about my future. What if I'm stuck living with my parents forever? What if I never finish school? What if I'm stuck in this job forever? What if I fail my classes and can't get my degree? What if I fail my final review? What if I mess up? What if I fail? 

I don't want to fail. I know it'll happen. Hell it's already happened. I don't know how to stop these feelings. I'm not quite sure how to cope with these overwhelming feelings of panic and being trapped. Taking deep, calm breaths don't work. Crying offers only temporary release. It's an unbreakable cycle right now and I'm finding it a lot harder to socialize. It scares me. I don't want to be that girl nobody talks to because she comes across snobby. I'm shy and painfully afraid of what others might think. Sure it's easy for people to say 'don't worry about them.' But tell me; is it so easy to tell an addict 'just ignore it?' I may not be an addict, but the same principle applies. It's not as easy as everyone makes it sound. 

I should be sleeping now...but I'm sitting here, typing out my feelings to a world of people who will critisize me and try to fix me. I'll be up for hours fretting over this. What will people say? How will I be able to face my friends that read this? It'll be awkward. They won't look at me the same. I'll be exactly what I feared; a person no one wants to be friends with. I guess that's what happens when you've been hurt one too many times...you become an unlikeable shell of your former self.