NOTE: I'm just letting everything out and I'm too lazy to proofread and my brain's pretty much all over the place now (and I'm drinking wine while doing this) so this would probably be unorganized. If you want to go straight to the part where I talk about what's happening in SNS and is not at all interested in my drama skip this... I'll probably post a part 2 of this.

I don't know why I'm doing this and I don't even know if I'll feel better immediately after writing/typing all these... You're probably wondering how I'm dealing with the whole Baekhyun-Taeyeon relationship thing. Baekhyun is my ultimate bias... my bias of all my biases. My frustration... The person I see myself with 10 years from now... I don't even wanna elaborate on how much he means to me because that will probably just turn this into a love confession/open letter something for him...

I was actually in the middle of catching up with Hotel King so I just checked twitter for a while when I finished one episode then boom... I saw a picture circulating around twitter that has Baekhyun and Taeyeon in a supposedly car date. The pictures were blurry so I thought, "meh... maybe he just looks like Baekhyun" and articles were in korean so I don't trust the titles of the articles... but started getting real. It got bigger and bigger every second that passed by. I was actually O_O then I told myself, "so it is possible to date my bias" and totally made jokes about it. Everyone was pretty much making jokes about it while waiting for the official confirmation from SM. I kept on telling myself than I'm ok but when minutes, hours passed I didn't know anymore. Am I really ok? Am I just convincing myself that I am?

Most of you are probably familiar with the Stages of Grief or something like that. I don't know where I am specifically but it's like I'm looping around some stages. I think I'm being bipolar or something O_O

Stage 1: Denial

I think I was in this stage when everything was just starting... I really initially thought, "nah... that's not Baekhyun. He's probably just someone that looks like him." Then when was getting real I was joking around and tweeting about Baekhyun getting his bias as a girlfriend (ouch I really felt pain somewhere in my heart). More and more stuff are getting dug up by the "Sherlock fans" specifically Baekhyun's and Taeyeon's instagram posts. Then I started trying to contact my friends. That's when I felt that I was just convincing myself that I was ok... deep inside I'm very hurt. I even posted in my facebook account (which I rarely do) saying, "난 괜찮아... 하지만 앞으다". I have no idea if I spelled everything correctly since I'm not really korean lol. there are limited facebook friends that I have that can actually read that. yeah take that as me leaving some code or something lol. I think I was in denial of my true feelings towards the situation.

I had work at 6 AM earlier so I decided I should take a shower before I sleep. Damn. I totally cried in the shower... you know... like those shower scenes in dramas, just letting the water run through you while in deep thought or something. We're in drought so I didn't do it for long... but I was sobbing so much while showering. Actually before showering I just sat in the toilet staring at the wall for I think 15 minutes.

Stage 2: Anger

I think I started this before I slept. I had to set an alarm for work. My alarm tone was Overdose (Kor. version). I changed it to Last Romeo because I didn't want to hear Baekhyun's voice first thing in the morning. Nothing much really happened at work... Some of my favorite workmates are there so it wasn't a stressful day for me. The only thing that stressed me out is seeing a txt message that has "ewwwww" in it. Yes, I am really hurt about everything that's happening but I think I would be defending them from that.

After work my auntie wanted to go the chinese buffet we usually go... out of all the times I've been there I only noticed 2 Kpop songs in their playlist... IU's You and I and TTS' Twinkle... The sudden thought of that possibly playing while we were there made me cringe...

There's this one thing that happened that I felt that I was angry... not at Baekhyun and Taeyeon but IDK... I just felt angry. As usual I had my earphones on and I'm still listening to Kpop. I still listen to EXO... When me and my sister got in Barnes&Noble I looked for the July issue of Nylon magazine then got pissed off when I didn't see one (see? I'm mad at everything). Then I saw "Nyl..." in another section of the magazines. When I saw that it was the men's edition I got even more pissed. Then I Got a Boy started playing. I listened to it but I was scoffing everytime the "I Got a Boy" part comes in. I was going through the clearance part of the store and I SAW THIS ING OREO COOKBOOK ON SALE. I REALLY ING FELT THAT THE WORLD IS MOCKING ME. I wanted to throw it to the floor but I really shouldn't so I just threw it back to the pile. I didn't finish the song then I hit next... Mr. Mr played next... SERIOUSLY??!!?!?!!? THE WORLD REALLY IS MESSING WITH ME WHAT THE ACTUAL ?!?!?! I still listened to the whole song though because I like the song. Then it was so hot today... I seriously hated everything.

Stage 3: Bargaining

I don't think I passed here

Stage 4: Depression

well I was crying in the shower... I totally accepted the fact that I'm hurt and not as ok as I thought I was... I couldn't sleep... I didn't eat much at the buffet... I ate my favorite mcgriddles for my employee meal but I didn't enjoy it as much as how I normally did. I was just eating just for the sake of having a bit of food in my stomach. I didn't eat dinner... sometimes I would just stare into blank space with my head not knowing what to think. IDK...

Stage 5: Acceptance

I don't think I'm here yet and there's still too much going out like speculations and so IDK and I'm pretty much jumping from Stages 2 and 4. I think I'm getting bipolar.

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I've been thinking about this for a while... It has been a while since I last REALLY dated someone (and not chase on my ex)... *coughs* 3 years... I think I should date again. IDK... I don't even have any friends near me. maybe when school starts I'll meet someone. Baekhyun being in a relationship is probably the sign that I should really date again... IDK... I really don't know...

To be very honest, I'm not Baek% sure of what I really feel. What should I feel? I really don't know. 

I've said this before... I'd rather have Baekhyun dating than Kris (or even other members) leaving EXO... This is actually harder than I thought but this is a normal thing. It's human nature. At least he's still in the group. But I still feel so hurt... I'm so confused about everything I'm feeling right now. I don't think it's the alcohol. IDK

T_T

odg I'm actually feeling the alcohol. I've drank half a bottle of wine since I started this...

will probably continue this tomorrow... or I'll possibly not continue. IDK. depends on my writing mood.

I think I need a distraction... I have my Game of Thrones book to finish reading, cross-stitch project to do just for whatever and I can also play Dragon Nest. lol