Scared.

That’s what I am.

Scared of rejection, scared of initiative, scared of responsibilities, scared of showing who I really am, scared of being judged, scared of being left out, scared of being out casted, scared of lacking behind.

Mainly scared of losing this image of mine, that I hate, but have no courage to throw away.

I wish I had the courage to tell people their mistakes, I wish I had the courage to stand up for what I like, I wish I had the courage to do what I want without a care in the world.

I wish.

I have always wanted to be different. I have always wanted to outshine others. I have always wanted to be that little gem in the crowd, the tiny sparkle everyone is so envious of.

I have always wanted.

I’m not shy, I’m not quiet. I’m not what you think I am. But the world has painted me this way; I don’t know how to refuse this image the world has given me. I don’t know how to erase this label the society has created for me.

Soft spoken, quiet, smart, hardworking, helpful. Really? That’s all the vocabulary you have for me?

They’re not bad words, they’re not defaming words, so I’ll accept them. But really, what those words translate into is “goody two-shoes”, “fake”, “nerd”, “teachers’ pet”, “smart aleck”. I want to be in both worlds, but in reality, I guess I can’t.  I want to be with the fun bunch, who have no care in the world, and live in the moment. I also want to be with the smart and hardworking bunch, what people call “good friends”. Both groups are wonderful, but I guess I can’t take both. I can’t be greedy huh? In the end, I am left to choose only one.

In life, we have no choice but to face reality.

But for now, I’ll turn my back against it, and create my own world of fantasy until I finally gather the courage to make a decision.

That was how I ended up with a pen and paper.

That was how I started to like writing.

I create endless fantasies in my head, and try to form them into words. It’s very tedious and I gave up many times. But now I cannot give up, because those ideas don’t come by easily.

Every day I wish for a pair of warm hands to hold onto mine, a mesmerizing smile to melt away my problems, a hearty laugh to send me to heaven, a pair of eyes I can find comfort in. I wish for a strong chest I can bury my face in, a pair of strong arms to surround me when I feel upset, a pair of lips I can kiss. Okay that went a little far but you get me.

So I started by being a very stupid and extremely creative /cough/ fan, imagining that Key was my boyfriend. (LOL No thanks, being with a diva may be a little too much, just stay my bias thank you very much, plus I love you with Eunji ♥) Then I grew up and threw those away (did I mention that that was way before I joined AFF?). Then I started shipping f(x) and SHINee so hard it hurts… until I lost interest and threw those away as well. I regret. Moving on. Then I was too busy with my life, squeezing theory into my mind because of stupid ‘O’ Levels and my imagination combusted. It’s slowly coming back, so all my fics are on hold until I can actually organize my mind.

Okay how did this go from all mellow and serious to random crap?

Ah who cares.

I love paragraphing, I’m sure my English teacher would’ve whacked me if she saw this lol

Okay finally my thoughts out of my mind :D

I feel like giving up on the Jongstal fic honestly it’s so illogical I want to throw myself off Mount Everest. It’s a little bit of romance, mostly about murdering someone, so maybe I should create this one-shot collection of the seven deadly sins featuring Krystal and Jjong? I don’t know where that idea came from but I guess that’s a lot more manageable.

Then after them I’ll close my door on Jongstal and move to Chanyoung (Minhyuk) and Bona (Soojung). BECAUSE THEY ARE SO CUTE WHO WATCHES THE HEIRS RAISE YOUR HAND.

Okay bye.

I have no idea what’s the point of typing this.

I apologise.

Goodbye.

ARGH.