I'm stuck in never ending cycle of "Does he like me?" and "Do I like him?"

Is this ordinary? To not know if you like someone? It really can't be. I mean, if you have to question if you have feelings for someone, then you probably don't, right? But at the same time, whenever he passes me, I get tense and hope he looks over.

These days he doesn't.

I think our game of glances last year ended in the summer.

I question if I'm not noticeable anymore. Was I even noticeable last year? Do I want to be noticed by him?

Yes, I do want to be noticed by him. But does that mean I like him... or the idea of being sought after? Granted, I don't particularly want to be chased by anyone, but at the same time, it's not just him I'd like to be chased by. There a number of other boys I wouldn't mind liking me and, if that's the case, me liking them back, or at the least giving them a chance.

Then my low confidence steps in and mocks me. "What makes you think any boy would like you at all?" and "Please. You're four leagues under them."

But I'm not four leagues under them. I just somehow got this idea stuck in my head that everyone is out of my league in one way or another and often deny me ever having an equal chance as other girls "in their league".

So then I stop myself from fully committing to like someone. Because liking someone is a hassle. You get flustered and think about them all the time when, realistically or not, you have no chance. Maybe that's why I don't like him.

Or maybe, it's just attraction. I seem to be saying it's attraction and not real, true interested liking going about because it's much easier.

What does it even mean to like someone? How does one feel? How does one act? I don't know anything of things and probably react wrong, in my opinion. In most cases, my reaction is none at all even if inside I'm screaming at myself.

A fine example is just yesterday. We hung out at a mutual friend's house with some other friends and this was certainly the most interaction I've ever had with him other than one conversation about two different topics that lasted three seconds. But, getting on with the point, I just did not react to anything he did. Perhaps I laughed a bit at some of the things he said but for the most part, I did not react.

Even when he started combing through my hair with his fingers, I didn't move. If anything, I froze. But he wasn't facing me, so he would see my facial expression. Now, I don't know why he combs his fingers through my hair, but it certainly felt nice. I'm fairly scared that perhaps he does this with all girls he happens to be sitting or laying next to. Then I'm not special (or I never was) and it's a subconscious action, not active flirting--if it even is flirting. However, it happens again and again, which I believe would suggest subconscious action. Or maybe, he really likes running his fingers through girls' hair. Or my hair.

Something that then adds to this confusion is, when the lot of us were watching the tv, I was sitting in front of him on the bed and he was laying down, that he started somehow drawing shapes and tracing whatever on the side of my thigh. Is this significant? Is this another subconscious thing he does? Does he do this to all girls? What kind of guy subconsciously draws with his fingers on a girl's thigh? I will admit, though with some guilt(y pleasure), that this too felt nice, but does that mean I like him or I like being touched (the second sounding very erse).

I also noticed that he seemed to always be right near me. If I were playing a game on this side of the room, he would be watching over my shoulder. If I were on the bed, he was next to me. If I were to talking to someone, he was too, for a kind of three way conversation. This might just be coincidences or maybe he purposefully tried to "spend time" with me.

But to all of these things, I did not react in a blushing, flustered, shy way. I acted like I do with any other person: casual, relaxed, and playful. In the past, I have often done this with boys I really really liked, but always with the clear mindset of "I like this boy and do not want to him think I am lame so I will act normal around him". Many times, people confuse this with flirting and then assume I like guy A because I act that way with him when, in truth, I like guy B, but since I act the same around both, there's no clear line. However, this time, I can't even see the clear line. I have only a vague understanding that I like this boy (and have liked him since last year) but absolutely no tactic for handling it, if I want to handle it at all.

Another obstacle in this is that I'm not willing to put myself out there. I don't have half the nerves to ever attempt at confessing. One, because I'm still not sure of my feelings, and two, rejections is no piece of pie (that is delicious).  Because of this, I was also think too much about little things (as I am now) and stress myself out to the point of being sick of thinking about it all the time.

All of these come together and I feel queasy over not knowing my feelings, how to handle it, or not knowing his feelings. I don't my low confidence to trick me into not trying at all but I can't let myself over think and somehow be convinced that he does like me and I should give it all I got. 

I've also adopted the idea that love is not a requirement in life and therefore, not finding it or even a relationship is okay. Maybe this is part of the reason why I accept that he may not like me and I shouldn't try so hard.

Hopefully, this confusion fades in the coming years because I really won't be able to handle maturing under these romantical stressors.

This was typed and originally intended for tumblr, but maybe one person will see it there whereas if I post it here (where I've traditionally posted such sorts of issues and thoughts), the number increases to... three? It was not edited and it's nearing midnight. I will sleep now that I've gotten this off my mind for a while.