It's going to take me awhile to write this. Because my hands and my brain will not coordinate.

It's always hard when you have to let someone leave you. 

I guess we've all known it, since the day news was let to us. But its forever difficult when the clock actually starts ticking. 

Until today, I wish you would have more time. Just more. 

About a couple of years ago, a friend of mine; a very good friend was diagnosed with cancer; already in a late stage. During that span of time, I was starting up my career, having just ended school. I barely had enough time on my hands. We met on and off until recently, when we started to meet more often and have better talks. The last time we met was at the end of April towards May. 

Today, I've just received news that his recent round of chemo didn't go too well and that he might not make it to see next year. 

I... I'm thinking about what I should do, what I can do in the given time. If he's feeling better, I'd take him out for sushi, korean barbeque and drinks; as many times as possible, as much as he likes it. 

I know some of you might find it funny; but i don't think he would want to go solemn and quiet. He's always the type to live his life with a bang. I want to let him go like that (as much as I don't want to watch him leave). I want him to pass with a bang, a party, music and dance and alcohol... the life of the party that he is. I'm thinking about places he would want to go, things he would like to eat, and I would; without any consideration take him there. There will be people who think its not for the best, but he will never, never want to go quietly. Being the person he is... 

I know I shouldn't, but the sense of loss is already so profound. 

I'm really broken. I only wish that I would have and will fill him with as much joy and life as he did mine. He will and forever will be my big brother. 

I'm going to see him on Sunday. 

And I'm still hoping for that miracle. Or at least, please give me enough time to do everything that we've wanted to do together. Small, petty, important things. A meal, a drink, a chat. Please let us hold hands together a little longer. Let me lie on that shoulder, let him have my arm to hold. 

Don't take him away from me. 

Please. 

L'arc En Ciel "Bye Bye"

Do you remember when we first met, by the side of the park?
You walked right on through the bright morning scene I thought I knew so well.

I may have breathed my last, but time marches on… I start to say something
It’s not my desire to resist when I know it’s fate but…

I really did (I won’t cry) wish we could be together (I won’t cry) just a little while longer.

I remember how you’d splash paint all over and paint a new path… it was like magic.

I don’t like to be gloomy so I tried to keep a poker face
and act like it didn’t bother me. Did I fool you?

Let me tell you, (I won’t cry) there’s a brand new world out there waiting for you, so stop sulking.
You have, like, (I won’t cry) the most wonderful smile in the world, (I won’t cry) don’t forget it!

I give a tiny wave of my hand and a gentle “bye-bye” to you as you go on your way.

Does the fear of being so far away, trouble you? Don’t worry.
I’m positive everyone will love your magic.

Seeing you walk by, (I won’t cry) surrounded by such a dazzling season,
I really did (I won’t cry) wish we could be together (I won’t cry) just a little while longer.

I give a tiny wave of my hand and a gentle “bye-bye” to you as you go on your way
so that you won’t turn around, I whisper “bye-bye.”