★ TITLE 4/5

To my surprise, the title wasn’t actually used a lot, so almost full marks. I took off one mark because in the poster and description, you’ve crossed out the ‘Twisted’. Was it deliberate and had a certain message to it? If it isn’t needed then just take it away.

An example could be: ‘The Love Story’, and added into the description: ‘Just another love story; with a little twist.’

That’s just an example and I recommend not actually using it because I’ve just typed ‘The Love Story’ into the search bar and, my gosh, so many fanfics had the same title! But even so, I’m not sure about the reason why the ‘twisted’ was crossed out so yea…

 

★ DESCRIPTION/FOREWORD  14/15

The description was done quite well. Though I was fussing a bit over the crossed out ‘twisted’ part, I think it didn’t give much away. Though I did make some predictions as I read it such as: ‘Some are going to get found out and some are going to fall in love’ or ‘They will all get caught but will be forgiven and then loved by the princes’ but that’s just my fantasies running aloof from ‘To The Beautiful You’ and ‘Hana Kimi’.

I took off a point because of two teeny, tiny mistakes: ‘can they pretend for a long time or will their “secret identity” be revealed by their own prince charmings?

Changed: ‘Can they pretend for a long time or will their “secret identity” be revealed by their own prince charming?

Reason: Since it’s the beginning of a sentence, the ‘c’ in ‘can’ must be capitalised. Also, ‘charmings’ isn’t a word so I’ve just put it as ‘charming’.

 

★ CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT/SHOWCASING 19/20

I think you’ve done well with introducing the characters and building up their personalities. And it’s good how you’ve made two characters become friends through a situation rather than meeting once and instantly became BEST friends for life.

But I found it a bit confusing with them having separate names since they’re boys and stuff but it just can’t be helped unless you find uni names that can be used for both genders.

 

★ APPEARANCE 4/5

I’m not that fussed about appearance but I’m not sure why you needed to bold the ‘talking’ bits. In my opinion, they are just part of the storyline and don’t need to be pointed out like that. To be honest, it got confused and distracted reading it with all the normal and bolded parts.

 

★ ORIGINALITY 15/20

Though your writing was quite good, the plot isn’t really one of a kind. It’s similar to dramas and a certain manga. When I searched up ‘girl pretending to be a boy’ so many different fanfics came up! Also, it’s very, very unrealistic while being put in a realistic setting; do you know what I mean?

I noticed that some parts of the story were very much the same to the Japanese drama Hana Kimi such as: the boy saying he was prettier than ‘her’ and, the part where she mishears the ‘Are you a girl?’ and thinks that it’s directed to her.

I understand fantasy genres or similar genres which are simply based on myths and stuff and are obviously unrealistic. But it’s just that a school that accepts students without even checking or thinking twice about gender and stuff… Wouldn’t the students be very suspicious? Also, you wouldn’t be able to find all the girls that dress up as boys that fast and not be found out. But that’s just my opinion.

 

★ FLOW 4/5

The story flowed nicely and well but the text just made me distracted as I read it and I had to re-read parts because I kept staring at different parts. The bolded parts stood out and my eyes were just drawn to those parts more than the other parts.

 

★ GRAMMAR/SPELLING 19/25

This is a mistake you’ve done in general:

‘Ok.’ I replied.

Changed: ‘Ok,’ I replied.

Reason: After the last sentence the person will speak, if there is going to be a full stop, change it to a comma. If it’s going to be an exclamation mark, quotation mark, ellipsis or something, then just continue as usual.

 

Another one is:

‘OMG!!! There are so handsome, all of them.’ A girl shouted.

Changed: ‘OMG! They are so handsome; all of them,’ a girl shouted.

Reason: The mistake is that you’ve overused the exclamation mark. I think one exclamation mark is enough to show the audience to show that overwhelming emotion the character is experiencing.

 

Chapter 1:

I know creepy, right?

Changed: I know; creepy, right?

Reason: Read your version out loud with the pause at the exact same place you put it. It sounds as if you’re asking for assurance that you ‘know creepy’.

I’ve put a semicolon there to get the pause you need. I’m not sure how to explain about the semicolon, but I usually just say it’s used to separate two ideas because that’s how it kind of is when you look at it.

For example:

I like this class; it is very interesting.

My dog is intelligent; I’ve taught her a lot.

 

“Such a small world, is it?”

Changed: “Such a small world, isn’t it?”

Reason: Isn’t that just how it goes?

 

Chapter 2:

I almost choked, when I heared it.

Changed: I almost choked when I heard it.

Reason: I don’t think the comma was necessary in that sentence. Also, the past tense of hear is ‘heard’.

“Oh!! ..sorry..” I said as I bowed.

Changed: “Oh! … sorry…” I said as I bowed.

Reason: As stated before, only one exclamation is needed. When you’re using full stops, you use one full stop or you use three full stops (which is called an ellipsis).

 

He didn’t spoke, even a little bit, he just stared at me for a moment, then goes back on his track.

Changed: He didn’t speak, even a little bit; he just stared at me for a moment, then went back on his track.

Reason: I know the situation is past tense, but putting ‘speak’ makes more sense than ‘spoke’. As explained before, the semicolon separates two ideas so I did exactly that. Also, I changed ‘goes’ to ‘went’ because it’s in past tense.

 

Chapter 3:

“Umm..No, never will I sneak out of campus, It will be a trouble for the both of us.” I explained ot her.

Changed: “Umm… No, never will I sneak out of campus; it will be a trouble for the both of us,’ I explained to her.

Reason: Since they are two different ideas, I’ve separated them. Also, the ‘It’ doesn’t need to be capitalised.

“Ah……. wait!! What?!!, did she just said roller coaster? I repeat ‘ROLLER COASTER’,Oh my she did!!”

Changed: “Ah… Wait! What?! Did she just say roller coaster? I repeat, ‘ROLLER COASTER’. Oh my, she did!”

Reason: The things I’ve explained earlier, multiple full stops, over used exclamation marks… But something else is the ‘?!!’ You just need one exclamation mark and one question mark in any order to get yourself the ‘interrobang’. So according to Microsoft word, it isn’t a word. But, search it up on Google and it will come up with something like ‘?!’ or ‘!?’

 

Chapter 4:

We bid our good byes.

Changed: We bade out good byes.

Reason: You’re writing in past tense, right? So the past tense of ‘bid’ is ‘bade’.

 

She would held my hand, that’s fine with me, but the problem is, whenever she heard something she would scream, right in front of my ears.

Changed: She would hold my hand; that’s fine with me. But the problem is, whenever she hears something, she would scream; right into my ears.

Reason: Tense confusion with everything. Also, I would say ‘right into my ears’ rather than ‘right in front of my ears’. I think it sounds better, don’t you?

 

The dorms are divided into three; Dorm 1, Dorm 2, Dorm 3.

Changed: The dorms are divided into three: Dorm 1, Dorm 2 and Dorm 3.

Reason: When listing things you use the colon, not the semicolon. Also, the last item would have an ‘and’ before listing it.

The rest of the chapters were just the mistakes you made in general such as: the comma and the talking marks, the overused exclamation mark, the ellipsis and the interrobang.

 

★ GENERAL ENJOYMENT/LAST COMMENTS 3/5

I don’t really like reading about girls pretending to be boys because for some reasoning I just start imagining myself like that and getting distracted. The bolding of stuff also got me distracted but other than those two, I enjoyed it. 

Remember to not overuse the full stop, exclamation mark and such and make sure to check the tense of the situation.

Reading this review again, I feel like I was a bit harsh so please don’t feel bad. I just realised after looking at the form that English isn’t your first language. Keep on writing and improving! Fighting! ^^

82/100 POINTS