★ TITLE 4.5/5

I think your title is very good but it is used a lot; when I typed it in the search bar, quite a lot of stories with the same title showed up. But that isn’t everything; hence I deducted only half a point. I’m happy you used proper grammar, spelling and didn’t give the story away so... YAY!

 

★ DESCRIPTION/FOREWORD:  14/15

The description was very good; one of the best I’ve seen yet. It doesn’t give away the whole plot or storyline and the pictures of the notes just draw me in. You didn’t put a whole list of characters and their personalities that people have to scroll for miles just to get to that blue ‘next’ button. It was simple, to the point and draws me in.

I look off one point because you used lots of different fonts and it just looked kind of clunky at the ‘Don’t like it then…’ part. That part is in one font, with then switches to another font for the ‘1’ which then switches to another font for ‘Don’t read.’ I find having one font for the whole section/paragraph/etc. makes things look better; but that’s just my opinion.

 

★ CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT/SHOWCASING 19/20

The character’s personalities did shine through and your writing described them well. But throughout the story so far, you sometimes changed between their names and it would be confusing if someone who didn’t know that celebrity well.

For example, in one chapter you called G-Dragon, ‘Jiyong’; which is perfectly fine. But a little further down, you once called him ‘GD’ without really telling your audience it was a nickname or anything, unlike how you said ‘TOP’ was a nickname for Seunghyun. Another less important one was ‘BoAh’ and ‘Boa’.

 

★ APPEARANCE 2/5

The poster was simple and the note with the writing went nicely with your description and foreword. But I’ve taken points off because on most of the chapters, there were so many font changes. I understand you may need to bold and italicise words but, some chapters had the same font but with different sizes or even a sudden change of font and size. I’m not sure if it was on purpose or it was just your computer messing up but in my opinion, the font also affects the story and how it’s read.

To be honest, I wouldn’t take a story in the Comic Sans font seriously. Maybe it’s just me, but that font just makes me think about balloons. So please take in mind about your font and the way you put things.  

 

★ ORIGINALITY 20/20

Even though your title wasn’t very original, I haven’t read a fanfic written like yours. It’s set out very differently to what I’ve read around AsianFanFics so I think it’s very interesting.

 

★ FLOW 4/5

The flow of the story was good and I wasn’t that confusing but the changing of font and size made me re-read parts and think: ‘Oh, the size changed!’ and I didn’t really focus much on the story.

 

★ GRAMMAR/SPELLING 23.5/25

You put a full stop at the end of sentences, right? But when writing about what someone is saying, you put a comma.

For example:

‘Mother, he has arrived,’ her son SiWon said as she walked past him without a glance.

The comma ends the sentence and the next word starts with a lower case letter.

Also, you have been over-using the exclamation mark!!!!  Like I just did. One exclamation mark is enough to express what the person is saying. I would say two is the absolute maximum on the exclamation mark and anymore would just be unneeded and too much.  

Anyway, that was just a mistake in general; I’ll point out some other mistakes I found.

Chapter 3:

… Mrs Kwon already knew why he was here, and what she wanted but to test him, and see if he was truthful.

Changed: … Mrs Kwon already knew why he was here and what he wanted, but she wanted to test him and see if he was truthful.

Reason: When you read that sentence out loud, doesn’t it sound a bit weird? So I’ve changed it a bit to make more sense.  

And that’s the one mistake I found when I re-read your story again. Good job! I’ve taken off two and a half marks for two overall mistakes and one small mistake; fair, right?

 

★ GENERAL ENJOYMENT/LAST COMMENTS 3/5

I enjoyed the story quite a bit because of your unique style of writing and the genre of course. But the font changing and few mistakes put me off a bit so remember to fix them!

 

90/100 POINTS