Hello YG-Takeover, here's the next part of it. Sorry for the delay *homework* but the pile has disappeared and I now have too much time... T_T 

I haven't done much reasoning because I explained most of it the last blog post so... yea...

Sorry for any extra letters because I have a habit of typingg likeeee thisss but I've held it back. XP 

I wasn't sure if what to call the problem where you were putting full stops instead of commas so I just called it talking/comma/full stop or something like that so... yea. :3 

And without further ado: 

Changed: "Yay," she breathed; and I smirked. "I miss being at home," she complained. 

Reason: So, I've explained about the comma and stuff last blog post, but I kind of changed the 'she breathed and I smirked' part. I don't know how to explain it but when you read it aloud... I don't know... it just sounds a bit out of place. I know what you were trying to say, so I just put a semicolon because it looks a bit like two different ideas. Such as, she breathed while TOP smirked at her comment? See if reading it with a pause makes it have more sense... or if it's just me. 

Changed: Oh, you know me so well Bommie.

Reason: There were lots of the full stop/comma talking thingy bits so I just pasted the whole thing. 

Changed: I miss them too Bom. + a few more of the full stop/comma talking bits. 

Reason: May have been a typo; you've put a lower case 'i'. 

Changed: I had a moment of panic in my heart as I replayed the scene; I ran to my room. 

Reason: This isn't really a mistake but I've added 'a moment of' to make it flow more. I think you've made a typo and mixed 'heart as' together into one word. And since 'replaying the scene' and 'running into room' are two different ideas, I've put the semicolon. 

Changed: And I smiled; I smiled and I hated myself for smiling.  + talking/comma/full stop bits. 

Reason: Previously you wrote 'I looked at her; I looked at her in those...' so since the sentence was similar, I've just changed it to suit that and changed 'hate' to 'hated' because you were explaining in past tense. 

Changed: Jiho grinned and popped a potato chip in his mouth.

Reason: I'm not sure if you can pop a potato chip. So I put 'in his mouth' at the end of the sentence because it just makes a bit more sense. 

 

 

Changed: Some talking/comma/full stop bits. 

Sorry if the writing is too small. T_T If you would like it bigger, I'll send you the link of the picture. 

Changed: They loosened up now and turned to each other; Yukwon standing and stretching his muscles. + talking/comma/ full stop thingy.

Reason: Two different ideas: 'they loosened up' and 'Yukwon was stretching'. so I've put a semicolon. 

Changed: That kind of bothered me. Why doesn't Minji have something against her? 

OR

That kind of bothered me; why doesn't Minji have something against her? 

Reason: I think the comma makes the sentence go too fast. A longer pause would make a bit more sense than a short 'comma' pause. 

Changed: I paused, a little surprised. OR I paused, a little shocked. 

Reason: I think a slash in the middle of a sentence wrecks the flow of things. It can be used in factual essays and stuff like: The Rainbow Unicorn Producer/Machine is... but in a story it should be one or the other. 

Changed: Talking/Comma/Full Stop Thingy.

Changed: I looked down and saw that they were; the metal must've scraped it or something. 

Reason: Two different ideas: one is the action, the second is the the reason. 

 

 

 

Changed: Talking/comma/full stop thingy.

Changed: ...pressed my hand against my stomach. No, not to compliment myself on my abs (no matter how awesome they are). 

Reason: The sentence didn't have enough pauses to have that effective flow. I've put a comma after 'No' because... when you scold a dog or something, you usually pause after say 'No!', right? 

e.g. 'No, don't do that!' 

Say that out loud. 

'No don't do that!' 

Say that out loud. 

Doesn't the first one give a better effect? In a panic, you would think of 'No!' and then whatever you want to say. It's abrupt and emphasizes the negative which is 'No'. 

Was that a bit confusing? ;A; 

Also, please... please, please, please do not use emoticons and those faces like the ones that I used one sentence ago.

These: ;A; T^T :D XP XD ^^ :) :3 

It's fine since this is just a blog post, but it just seems out of place and wrecks the mood when used in a story. You were describing about how tired TOP was but 'xD' just ruined the mood you were setting. Yes, it's alright if you use it in texts: 

e.g. Unicorn got scared and quickly texted Alpaca. 

Quick! Come quickly Alpaca! >.< I'm scared. T_T

                                                             - Unicorn. 

But even still, I think it's not needed so please refrain from using these in your future stories :D Unless, of course, you were typing in your author's notes or something. 

Changed: Once I became edjusted to the warmth, I let my head rest at the edge of the tub and a sigh escaped my lips. 

Reason: The comma gives a needed pause. 

Changed: ... were blazing red and veins throbbed menacingly from his temples; it scared the out of me! Oh, he's ing pissed.

Reason: First... le stupid me decided to only screenshot half of the sentence. *facedesk* I'm very sorry if my changed version doesn't make sense anymore. OTL. 

So, along to OrangeCandy's science lesson: 

'Sclerosis' is when the tissue (as in the body part tissue; not the tissue you wipe your nose with) in a body part hardens. That's just the really simple explanation because I couldn't actually understand the rest. 

So... to use that in a sentence, you may have needed to state where he had sclerosis but if you said: 'were blazing red and his sclerosis in his back had veins along the white' would have been too long to have a big effect. So I just put 'veins throbbed menacingly from his temple. 

Buuuuttt~ if you have told your readers where it was earlier and I missed it then; I'm very sorry. T_T 

Also, I've put a semicolon to seperate the ideas and a comma after 'oh' for a bigger effect and for the pause. 

 

Changed: Talking/comma/full stop thingy. 

 

Changed: Being a witness is scary ; the prosecutor and the defendant are fighting... 

Reason: I've put the semicolon because it needs the pause and the next bit is another idea.