Story

Title (10/10):

I just love your title. Like… I want to marry it. Ha, um, no, I’m kidding. I’m not weird enough to want to marry letters.

Um, well, what I mean by that is that your title is very catchy. It relates to the story perfectly. I have no complaints whatsoever.

Scratch that. I have a complaint (I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t!). It’s too perfect. Yes, yes, yes. Too perfect. Gross. Ew. Boo for perfection!

Okay, that’s not really a real complaint. Overall, it’s a great, catchy title. It would definitely lure me in if I was randomly scrolling through the countless stories on AFF. My two favorite words that describe me perfectly. Oh, I kid. I’m not arrogant…… at least… I think?

Graphics/Posters (10/10):

Just like me, your poster is flaw to the less! It fits the mood of the story very nicely. It isn’t overly-bright or overflowed with characters. Plus, you used a very… very nice picture of my boyfrie- I mean, Kai.

Description and Foreword (10/15):

“New feelings start to develop as old feelings start to rise the surface. New relationships are formed as old ones are tested.”

I don’t know if it’s just me and my weird way of reading it with suspenseful pauses and loud gasps, but… that sentence… it’s so…… dramatic. Oh, and yes, I did read it out loud. It probably sounded dramatic because I had my narrator voice on, but the point is that you’re trying to give off a fun, romantic atmosphere since it is, after all, a romantic comedy. However, that part just sounded so dramatic, which clashes with your cringe-worthy fluff.

Also, the author’s note is supposed to correctly go inside the foreword, not the description. I believe the character descriptions are supposed to go in the description, not the foreword. Apparently, though, a majority of AFF put them inside the foreword.

The foreword is supposed to be acknowledgements, a message to the readers, etc., but I assume AFF works differently so I don’t think it’s necessary to put the character descriptions in the description. But please do put the author’s note in the foreword, as that part is definitely correct.

Anyway, moving on to your character descriptions, I think the font is too small. Or, maybe, it’s because I have small eyes (I’m Asian; cut me some slack, please). Jokes aside, I also think it’s too lengthy. There’s a lot of stuff you don’t have to mention.

You don’t need to tell us who Kaemi lives with. We’ll find out when we read chapter two. You don’t need to tell us she speaks English. We’ll find out when we read chapter two. You don’t need to tell us her family owns a souvenir shop. We’ll find out when we read about her as she works there after school. You don’t need to tell us she wants to be a novelist, or wants to adopt a child. We’ll find out through the story.

Do you kind of get what I’m trying to say? It’s not good to write so much about your characters in the foreword because what happens is:

a.) you spoil a lot about your characters and their feelings.

You told us that Kai liked Kaemi, and that would be something we want to find out as we read the actual story, not the foreword.

You told us that Baekhyun had feelings for Kaemi (oh, no, the Love-Triangle Syndrome has striked yet another author!), and that just ruined the fun in finding out through the story. Throughout the first ten-ish chapters, I never would have guessed he liked her.

Okay, maybe I would have since you added a lengthy character description for him, which is an obvious give-away that he’s an important character, which is an obvious give-away that it’s a love triangle in the story. Plus, you tagged him in the tags. Whenever I see two guys tagged, I already know it’s a love triangle.

b.) you bore the reader before they even get to the first chapter because, honestly, they don’t want to look at the foreword and be scared away by the amount of words there are (especially because you use small, hard-to-read font).

It’s good, though, that you didn’t reveal their personalities! Oh my, that would have been terrible. It’s okay to reveal a little - just a little bit - about their background, but never ever reveal anything about their personalities.

What I love best about stories is that I get to discover more and more about a character as the story progresses, so I hate it when I see people tell everything about the character’s personality.

But, you see, revealing a character’s feelings are just as bad as revealing their personalities. When they read your foreword, they immediately find out Baekhyun likes Kaemi. That just spoils everything because, even when they see that he’s tagged, they might assume that he’s just the Kaimi Couple’s Cupid or simply a friend who has no feelings for the female lead whatsoever.

I also have to add that I don’t think it’s good to put character descriptions for each and every character. Again, when you do that, you bore your reader before they get to the first chapter.

I suggest to not put any character descriptions at all; just put their names and birthdays. Everything else is something that should be evident in the story. If your writing abilities are good, which I know they are, we would be able to find out through your writing that Kai liked Kaemi, that Baekhyun liked Kaemi, that Eunchae and Dayoung were KaiMi shippers, etc.

But if you really want to put those long descriptions, then I suggest to only put them for your main characters - Kaemi, Kai, and Baekhyun. Then, for the other three characters (Eun Chae, Dayoung, and Taemin), you could:

a.) do what you did for the rest of EXO-K,  Ji Hwan and Min Jung, and Kim Saerin.

b.) do what I first suggested and put only their names and birthdays; you could also put very short - maybe one or two sentences - descriptions about them (i.e. Eun Chae is Kaemi’s best friend, and KaiMi’s number one shipper).

I do have to say that I don’t even think Taemin and Dayoung are oh-so important that you need to write character descriptions for them. They made - what? - one or two appearances?

The point is: You want to keep everything in the description and foreword as short as possible. That’s to ensure you don’t give away too much about the story and that you don’t scare your reader away with all the long, hard-to-read descriptions.

Okay, fine, your descriptions aren’t that long. But the small font sure makes it look like it.

And oh my God, you listen to The Postal Service, too! I love them so much! And Paramore! Okay, spazz over now.

I don’t understand why your credits are large than your actual character descriptions…? I think a good font-size for credits would be fourteen or sixteen. There’s no need to make it super duper huge. Unless, I guess, you really, really, really, really, really, really appreciate them (which is good, of course!). You want the reader to be attracted to your actual descriptions, not the credits.

Characterization (4/10):

Okay… Where should I start? Well, let’s discuss our lovely female lead Shin Kaemi. Also known as the ultimate Mary Sue.

Now, in case you don’t quite known what a Mary Sue is, a Mary Sue is a fictional female character that is too perfect to be true.

Shall I list some of Kaemi’s wonderfully adorable traits? Strong. Independent. Smart. Witty. Beautiful. Friendly. Kind. Helpful. Talented in writing. Good around children.

Wow, doesn’t she just sound like every guy’s dream girl?

That’s just too unrealistic. Yes, a lot of girls out there really do have these qualities. It’s just that girls out there in the real world have flaws to balance out those amazing qualities. Flaws. Real flaws. Not Mary Sue flaws.

What kind of flaws does a Mary Sue have, you ask? Denseness. Stubbornness. Clumsiness. Ticklish. Scared of haunted houses. Scared of anything “gross” like squids, spiders, dead and uncooked fishes, that kind of stuff.

I’d say Kaemi has all these qualities, but wouldn’t say she was dense. I’d say she’s more in-denial than dense. Actually, no, she’s both dense and in-denial. She’s in-denial when it comes to Kai having feelings for her and her having feelings for Kai. She’s dense when it comes to Baekhyun having feelings for her. Well, she does notice some things about him but that’s when her in-denial side comes into action.

I couldn’t catch many other flaws in her. Other than her Mary Sue flaws that I’ve listed.

Now Kim Jongin. Oh. Lookie there. The bad boy. Yup. I haven’t seen him before! But honestly, he was the same as the other guys in other stories. He was a sarcastic bad boy. Why is that Kai is almost always so sarcastic? I know he has that smug look, that signature smirk that makes him look like a bad boy, but it seems like every fanfic author has written him that way. Honestly, myself included, but that was before I realized how overused it was.

Same with Myungsoo and L.Joe. They’re always the bad boys. They’re always the ones with a cute, fun, childish, caring, and sweet side to them. The Kai in your story was the same as the Kai in other stories.

You know what the male version of a Mary Sue is? A Gary Stu. Also known as Mr. Byun Baekhyun in your story. He’s the flirty, sweet, caring, adorable best friend who’s oh-so perfect. But oh, he’s the second lead, unfortunately, and I know some people have caught the Second-Lead Syndrome (usually brought on by K-Dramas).

But there was no depth to Baekhyun’s character. He was two-dimensional, almost. Why did he like Kaemi so much? Why did he love her? Because she was pretty and funny?

You see, the thing is… you didn’t include any moments with them. At all. You only included their one “date,” which was after he was supposedly in love with her. Because the “date” was after he had fallen in love with her, he lacked depth.

We, as the readers, don’t have any background information - any details, any flashbacks - to see what their relationship was before he was in love with her. We aren’t able to understand how strong their relationship was to make him fall in love with her.

Okay, I feel bad for saying so many negative things about your characters, but I do have a lot of positive things to say.

I like the way they developed. Well, the way Kaemi developed. It was so nicely-paced. She grew to realize her feelings for Kai. She grew to realize how much she thought about him, how much she knew about him, how much he knew about her, how much time they had spent together. It was very, very well-paced.

I also loved the way you displayed your characters. You didn’t directly tell us, “Kai’s a sarcastic bad boy who is actually really caring and thoughtful and sweet and-“ No, you didn’t do that. Even if you did, it was not necessary at all.

Through your writing skills, I was able to understand his character; through the things he said, the things he did.

You did directly tell us most of Eun Chae’s, Dayoung’s, and Taemin’s personalities though. That’s perfectly okay because they are side characters (which is why character descriptions for them aren’t needed). They’re not that important. The main focus is Kaemi, Kai, and Baekhyun.

And you wrote them perfectly. The dialogue, the actions, the reactions, the feelings, they were all well-written. I have to say that even though Baekhyun is my bias in EXO, Kai was my favorite character in your story.

I was able to understand why he liked Kaemi (because of that incident in middle school and how he saw she was different from all the girls who acted sweet around him). Unlike Baekhyun, Kai had depth to him. We were able to see why he liked Kaemi so much, why he was such a jerk around her.

He was well-written and completely relatable. C’mon, I know a lot of guys who tease the girls they like the way he teases Kaemi. He was realistic, though slightly cliché, and that’s why he’s my favorite out of the three characters.

Grammar and Spelling (20/25):

You’re fluent in English, I assume? I imagine you are because your spelling and overall grammar is quite well. However, you do have a lot of major errors.

Yours [Descript.]: She’s witty but kind.

Corrected: She’s witty, but kind.

Reason: You have to use a comma to separate two contrasted elements. Being witty is often associated with being rude, which is a contrast towards be kind.

Yours [Descript.]: Lives with her Umma, Appa, and cousin Saerin.

Corrected: She lives with her Umma, Appa, and cousin Saerin.

Reason: Because you write in complete sentences for every other sentence, you should keep it that way; keep it consistent. It’s either complete sentences, or fragments and phrases.

Yours [Descript.]: Due to an incident in middle school, she didn’t really like Kai, and had a very weird friends-but-not relationship with him.

Corrected: Due to an incident in middle school, she doesn’t really like Kai and has a very weird friends-but-not relationship with him.

Reason: Throughout your entire description and foreword, you write in present tense. Therefore, you should keep it that way.

Yours [Descript.]: At first, she didn’t really like Kai at first…

Corrected: At first, she didn’t really like Kai…

Reason: It’s repetitive.

Yours [Ch.2]: “Then stop bothering me, then you won’t have to worry about it.”

Corrected: “Stop bothering me; then you won’t have to worry about it.”

Reason: You can’t connect two independent clauses with solely a comma (that would be called a “comma splice”). If you plan to use a comma, you’d have to use a conjunction.

However, I feel the best way to connect these two clauses would be with a semicolon, since they are very closely-related (in a cause-and-effect sort of way).

Yours: Kaemi-ah

Corrected: Kaemi-yah

Reason: Misused Korean is a major pet-peeve of mine so I just had to point this out. There is a difference between the “-ah” and the “-yah” suffixes. You would use “-ah” if the name ended in a consonant. You would use “-yah” if the name ended in a vowel.

Examples: Kaemi-yah. Baekhyun-ah. Eun Chae-yah. Sehun-ah.

Yours: ten-year old

Corrected: ten-year-old

Reason: (This applies to any age number. I just chose ten because I first noticed this mistake in chapter five where you said “ten-year old.”) You have to hyphenate all of it because they are all the same adjective (a compound adjective).

You also seem to write your appositives incorrectly.

Yours [Ch.1]: Your best friend, Eun Chae asked, shaking her head…

Corrected: Your best friend Eun Chae asked, shaking her head…

Reason: In case you don’t know or remember, an appositive is a phrase that renames or restates a noun. You would only put commas if the appositive was not necessary; that means if it’s not something significant that the readers really have to know, then you would add commas on both sides of the appositive phrase.

“Eun Chae” is the appositive. It is essential information because we need to know Kaemi’s best friend’s name. Therefore, because it is essential, it would perfectly okay to omit the commas.

Aish, I’m not very good at explaining things, am I? Sorry about that. Click here to go to a good website that explains much better than I do.

Spelling Errors (“yours/correct” format):

Description:

clsoe/close

Chapter 6:

to/too;

maths/math (there’s no plural form of “math”);

cuddle/cuddled;

et/get;

sing/singe (I don’t think it’s possible to “sing” someone’s hair with fire);

council men/councilmen (error found twice in the chapter);

chose/choose

Chapter 7:

form/from;

throws/thrown;

sleeping/slept (you could also change it to be: “was sleeping”)

Chapter 8:

were/was;

al/all (I think I’ve seen you do this more than once)

Capitalization Errors:

In fact, It/In fact, it (so sorry, but forgot which chapter this came from!)

In your chapter titles, you also capitalize the preposition “with” when it shouldn’t be. It irks me when I see prepositions capitalized.

Some say that all prepositions should not be capitalized. Some say that all prepositions of four letters or more are capitalized. I say that’s all bullshi-

I don’t capitalize prepositions in titles. I just get so annoyed when I see the word “with” capitalized in a title. Some sites say it’s not incorrect, but I really don’t care. It annoys me. So much. It just… I just… Why?

Oh! I suggest you proof-read your chapters. There are a lot of parts where you forget a word or two. It’s not that big a deal and still easy to understand though.

You sometimes forget to add a pronoun; like in chapter one, you wrote: “You looked at with a blank stare…” when it should be: “You looked at him with a blank stare…” Just be sure to proof-read, because you leave out certain words like that very often.

Oh, one last thing: You seem to never add apostrophes when you need them.

In chapter six, for example, you always put fathers instead of father’s. At first, I thought it was just a little mistake, but I noticed it more than once - five times, to be exact. Okay, it’s not exact. I grew bored of counting after I got to the number five.

There was also one time in that same chapter where you put Kings when it should be King’s and Queens when it should be Queen’s… I’m starting to get the feeling you have a grudge against apostrophes.

It wasn’t just in this chapter, but other chapters as well. I just don’t remember which; I didn’t type them because I thought they were just petty mistakes. You also put girls instead of girl’s in chapter seven. That’s all I can recall as of now.

Consistency is something that I’ve noticed you don’t have. Sometimes, you would put a comma before the word “too,” which is what I always do. Other times, you wouldn’t put a comma there.

I believe that either way is right. It just irks me how you do it both ways. You’d sometimes write like this: “I miss you, too!” Then, in some other chapter, you’d put: “I miss you too!”

It’s best to keep your writing style consistent. This isn’t a rule, and you do can do it both ways. It’s just that I like consistency.

Same thing goes for when you use the ellipsis (…). Sometimes, you put a space after it like this: I think… I love you. (Totally cheesy, but the only thing I could think of right now.) Other times, you’d write it like this: I think…I love you.

Then when you write lists, you sometimes put the comma after the las t item. And sometimes you don’t. I can’t tell whether you’re using American English or British English (since British people tend to omit the comma between the last item and the conjunction). Sometimes you’d write (making this up): bread, milk, and cookies. Then other times you’d write: pillows, blankets and popcorn.

I just recommend to stay consistent. It’s not a requirement, nor is it wrong to do things both ways. Either way of using the comma before the word “too” is correct. Either way of using the ellipsis is correct. Either way of having or not having the comma after the last item listed is correct. I just suggest to stay consistent with your writing style.

And finally, the biggest error of all: dialogue. Dun dun dun! Okay, well, there’s so many aspects of dialogue you write incorrectly.

Okay, let’s start with paragraphing. Whenever there’s a new speaker, it has to be a new paragraph. At first, I thought you did this correctly, but I sometimes see you clump two person’s dialogue into one paragraph. One person’s actions and speeches go into one paragraph. Another person’s actions and speeches go into another paragraph.

Now the second simpliest thing: punctuation. From what I’ve seen, I think you already have this down. I haven’t seen you do it incorrectly yet (or with my goldfish memory span, I just don’t remember), but just keep in mind that all dialogue must end with a question mark, exclamation mark, or comma if there is a dialogue tag after it.

That’s when the next part comes in: dialogue tags. You know? The “He said/She said” stuff? The only case you would ever capitalize them is if they come at the beginning (before the actual dialogue). Other than that, you would never capitalize dialogue tags.

In contrast to dialogue tags, you would always capitalize actions. By “actions,” I mean stuff like “He throws/She slaps/They run/etc.” If a speech is followed by an action, then you would end the speech with a period and capitalize the action that follows.

I know I fail at explaining, so click here and here for a much more clearer and easier-to-understand explanation with examples.

On the topic of dialogue, I’ve noticed you’ve stuck with the practically the same dialogue tag every time: “he said/she said.”

You don’t want that. It gets boring and dull.

“Hey,” he said.

“Hey,” she said.

“Isn’t this boring?” he said.

“Yeah,” she said.

See? Boring, right? Even when there was a question, you would put “he/she said.” They’re not even saying it; they’re asking it. Therefore, “he/she asked” would be a better fit.

Keep in mind that you don’t want to use ultra fancy dialogue tags. That’ll make it seem like you’re trying too hard to find synonyms for “said.” I’d recommend to use the dialogue tags in this list here.

Some of them like “inquired,” “bellowed,” and “blustered” are just a tad too fancy, but can still be used if it sounds like it blends in well its surrounding words.

And don’t solely rely on dialogue to express a character’s feelings. You want to express their feelings through their actions by using different adjective phrases, adverb phrases, etc.

Plot/Originality (2/10):

Since you have admitted to falling for the blackholes we call “clichés,” I assume you have expected a low score here (or I hope?). When you did say you fell for clichés easily, I thought it wasn’t going to be that bad.

But oh, boy, was I wrong.

I won’t go into a rant about how overused your characters’ personalities were, since I have already done that in the “Characters” section. Instead, I’ll go over what’s unoriginal in your actual storyline.

And oh, boy, there’s a lot.

Aside from having the love-hate relationship between the two leads, you had a love triangle.

At first, I thought love triangles were really cool and interesting. But after reading so many stories with them… it got boring. It was the same in each fic: The girl and guy have a love-hate relationship, but then fall in love and blah blah blah.

And yours, unfortunately… was also the same. There was no twist that you added. I’m going to stop there about the love triangles because I know I’m going to off on into some rant if I continue.

Let’s move on to the next overused event: amusement parks. Fun, right? Yes, they are; many couples go there for dates, so that’s realistic.

But it’s also cliché. In fanfics, there seem to be only three date places: the amusement park, the movie theater, or the ice-skating rink.

Although they’re believable date places, they’re overcredited. However! There’s that “however” again, huh? It’s my catchphrase when it comes to reviews.

Okay! However! I liked how you added the orphanage. Okay, so they didn’t really have a “date” there, but did go there, and because of the fluff, I shall say it was a date! Mwahaha! Okay, that was a nice touch. It’s not the first time I’ve seen a “date” at orphanage, but it’s quite rare for me to find a “date” scene there.

Hmm, what else was cliché? Oh, yes! The haunted house.

…Really? Did you really make a stubborn, sarcastic, strong, and independent girl…… deathly afraid of a… haunted house? Like… really?

Moving aside from the originality, I will talk about the actual plot of the story.

I think your plot was quite well-written. It seemed like you had planned it out. If you didn’t plan it out and just winged it, then you must be a really great writer, which I think you really are!

I thought your plot was absolutely hilarious. Even though a lot of people have very similar plots, they don’t have your sense of humor. That’s what makes your story a little bit more unique than the other ones: you are unbelievably hilarious. You were able to make the plot fun and entertaining. But just because you were able to do that, doesn’t mean your plot was perfect.

I feel that a lot of it was over-exaggerated and unrealistic. Like the aegyo part, for example. You know? Where she finally did aegyo and suddenly made the entire school fall in love with her, ask her out on dates, and bother her with their annoying compliments and stares? Yeah. That.

Even though this is a piece of fiction, there should be a fine line between make-believe and reality. In my opinion, the “aegyo” thing had far crossed that line.

Flow (10/10):

I think there was only one other instance where I had given someone a perfect score for the “Flow” section. One. Now, you are the second.

I think the flow was perfect. It wasn’t almost perfect. It was perfect, just absolutely perfect. Kind of like me.

Okay, I think your title has triggered the conceited side of me I had worked so hard to detain. Thanks for making me look like an egoist in front of all the people reading this review.

I liked the way your characters slowly developed. I liked the way each little event was very well-paced, not rushed, not dragged out. Each chapter was a very good length. You used a lot of complex sentences, compound sentences, and simple sentences (because sentence structure does affect the flow!).

For the first time, I actually have no complaints about the flow.

Bonus/Overall Enjoyment (8/10):

I think your overall plot was adorable, but expected; cute, but too cute to be realistic; funny, but… wait, I have no complaints about the hilariousness of this fic. Comedy has been and always will be my favorite genre. You are really funny, and I would bow down to your awesomeness if I knew you in real life.

You wrote your plot very well. It was really thought-out, filled with drama and suspense, and very enjoyable. I do have to add I pity your original readers. You had so many cliffhangers. Poor readers.

Oh, and I’m sorry if I came off as rude, especially during the “Plot” section. When it comes to clichés, I just… so many feels. I’m so sorry for that and hope you don’t take it too harshly.

I genuinely enjoyed cringing from the fluffy overload and having my mother think she’s raised a psychotic daughter. Okay, maybe I didn’t enjoy the second part so much, but whatever. Your fanfic was definitely worth being thought of as crazy by my own mother. And it’s definitely something I will re-read in the future.

By the way, I subscribed. It’s an amazing story. For real, yo. Can’t wait for the next update!

{Reviewed by Midnight-B2UTY

Score:

74/100