I. I can't even put into words what I feel. Maybe because I can't feel anything at all. Maybe because all the little pieces of me that I finally found that were once lost, finally shattered again and burned to ash. Whatever soul, that I thought I had left, finally got lost all the way down to Hell. My heart beat finally stopping, not just when I see you, but now completely but I still feel the pain of the useless dead beats it tries to make. I have to stop feeling this way but I can't with all the mistakes I've made. 

Seriously? What the is wrong with me? I just can't .... UGGGGHHHHH! Why? WHY! I am NOT going back to that place where I came out from, that place was a place without something, but I finally have that something back and it, he's not a something, he's HIM, God, what the is wrong with me for labeling him as a "something"? But now I have him back in my life, and I'm not happy? I should be happy that I DO have him back in my life. I should be happy that we're talking and not fighting. I should be happy that I've made memories with the love of my life! I should be happy that I've got to spend time with him and actually get to know him and see him, and just BE WITH HIM in general! Everything that I've went through is worth it, it's worth it knowing him. It's worth every single pain, scream, scar, fight, drama, hatred, sorrow, late nights, being dead inside, lie, and every single tear I shed for you. It's worth it for every time I wanted to break down and cry. Everything is worth it knowing I can somehow find my way back to you, just knowing you in general and being lucky enough to even call you a friend. But I'm the luckiest to have been able to call you my boyfriend, my smexy husky, my love <3

God, how I wish that I could talk to someone right now, just about every single God forsaken thing that's happened. But I haven't been able to talk to my dad or my Wife. I know they both are dealing with their own demons as of late, but some time I'd just wish I can sit down with my dad and talk to him even though he is my ex's step father. (sounds creepy right? Well, I'm calling him my dad because he feels like it :3) I don't know why, but I just want to. I trust him and quite frankly, I can't believe I'm saying this, but he's a better father figure to me than my real dad. I can actually talk to him and not be afraid. 

But, I guess I'm just going to be going back to the "old" but yet still "new" me when I don't say a single word to anyone, just shut myself up from everyone, lie to not only them, but myself as well. I'm going back to the "Ashley" that hides all her emotions and doesn't shed a single tear and acts tough so he doesn't win, so no one will know that she's broken inside. I'm going back to the "happy Ashley". I'm going back..... to Hell.

No, the Hell that he created was a Hell without him. A Hell with no way out but several to get in. A Hell that he "ing hated" me in. A Hell that we always wanted to hurt on another. Just a Hell, a complex Hell, that was created because I hurt him. Because EVERYTHING is my fault. And that Hell, is a Hell that'll never go away, because I'm the creator of it, I'm the Devil that is resident to it.  

I have to stop feeling this way but I can't with all the mistakes I've made. 

4-6-11 <3