Author: Taintedhearts
Reviewer: aintyoufunny

Story link

Dear Taintedhearts,

Your story wasn't bad, but it wasn't amazing. It was overly simple, and not very memorable at all, unfortunately. I personally like JongKey, as they were my first k-pop OTP ever, so I was very excited to read that I was requested to review a story for them. 

Starting off with the plot, I must say... there wasn't much of it. I can sum it up in a rather dull sentence: Kibum is stressed, and Jonghyun helps relieve that stress with balloons. However, I do understand that this oneshot isn't supposed to be necessarily serious, but rather short, fluffy, sweet, inspirational, etc. Which isn't bad, because a lot of fluff tends to be very simple and short. 

However, I do wish you would have tried to add a little something extra to better distinguish your story. It was too boring for my liking, in all honesty. I mean, it was very cute and uplifting, but it just wasn't enough.

Just remember to add details and distinguish your story. Cliched is fine so long as it has its own twist whenever its written again. For yours, it is a bit hard to twist with such a narrow plot, but maybe you could've played down the characters instead. Jonghyun was much too cheery, and he reminded me of many other Jonghyuns in other fics. Had he been characterized more uniquely and realistically, the overall story might've benefitted.[Plot: 10/25]

I am a bit picky on fluff if it isn't as cute as I'd like, which is why this didn't entertain me as much as it could have. It was a nice read, but it wasn't fluffy enough to make me go, "Aww" or to bookmark it for a rainy day when I need fluff.

I did, however, enjoy the word choice you used when describing the balloons and such. I thought it was very, for lack of better word, pretty. I personally love that style of writing when used correctly and not overdone.

I also really liked the idea behind it - it was very sweet and meaningful. [Originality/Entertainment: 11/20.]

The flow was alright, although I wish you hadn't used a break for the scene change, because breaks tend to make somewhat short fics look even shorter, which is overall unappealing to me. You could've just type the transition (ex. "After a walk across ___, they..." or something like that). [Flow: 8/10.]

And then the title was pretty average to me. It definitely wouldn't have caught my eye, I think. It was too simple to, really. But I do like how it left room for curiosity as to what the story may be about. So, I'm sort of torn between disliking and liking your title and the way it works off of the summary (because titles and summaries should always complement each other to bring the best attention). But in the end, it's good enough. [Title: 3/5.]

Moving on to characters, they were kind of flat and stock-like. It makes sense, since it was a rather short oneshot anyway, but still... it was the typical Kibum with his somewhat iness when stressed, and the typical cheery Jonghyun who makes things better. I've seen it before, and it's cute and all, but it gets boring.

Like I said before, tone down Jonghyun and make him more relateable. No one in real life is that happy. And try to lay off of the many, many nicknames and such. I know that JongKey is pretty cute in real life with their pet names, but don't let that stick to your writing so much. A pet name here and there is cute, but every other line? Not so much.

And for Key, I felt like he changed his point of view a bit too quickly. I mean, yes, I do understand that the circumstances made it hard for him to not be happy, but maybe he could've showed a slower progress towards being happy. If that makes sense...

But, I have to judge you fairly, and due to the length of this oneshot and such, I won't mark you down so much based off of your characters. Just don't stick to these boring stocks all the time, because they're overused and tiring. [Characters: 7/10.]

Now for the grammar and such, the easiest part to judge in my opinion. Your grammar wasn't that bad, but it definitely wasn't amazing. It was better than some I've read here on AFF, but that isn't saying much, unfortunately.

Dialogue -- 

Yours: "Hey." Key said.

Correctly: "Hey," Key said.  

^ There's a comma, not a period.

And remember to capitalize after dialogue if what follows it is not part of the description of the dialogue (like if it isn't "he says" or something... sorry the confusing explanation).

Yours: "Woah... Bummie, your room's a dump. Not done with it yet?" the mahogany door creaked open.

Correctly: "Woah... Bummie, your room's a dump. Not done with it yet?" The mahogany door creaked open.

^ Capitalized because they aren't connected. Your way pretty much says that the door spoke... which is probably not what you're trying to say.

You also miss out on a lot of commas. Commas are tricky little things, but they're pretty important. A lot of people skip out on them, but they play a big part in how the story is read and such.

Unfortunately, they're hard to teach, because they have different rules for different occasions.

But for now, I'll just teach you one thing about commas that I noticed you need to learn: place them after/before addressing someone in a sentence. For example...

Yours: "Thank you Bum baby!"

Correctly: "Thank you, Bum baby!"

or...

Yours: "Yeobo let me off, please!"

Correctly: "Yeobo, let me off, please!"

Notice the commas?

So your grammar isn't perfect, but it's not horrendous.

And for your style, I actually like the word choice and the overall message of the story.

[Language/Style: 17/25.]

And lastly, your overall presentation was nice and readable, and your poster is pretty and I like its color theme. [Presentation: 5/5.]

OVERALL SCORE: 61/100