REVIEW FOR “Diaries of a broken family” by purplekpop_lover

REVIEW BY aintyoufunny

Title: [3/5]

It's not a terrible title, but it's not an exciting one either. In a way, it does capture someone's attention because it gives off that angst feel you're looking for while blatantly describing what this fic will be about (a broken family), but it's just so ordinary. "Diary of [insert something/someone here]" is overdone and oversimplified, and will not hold any lasting impression on a reader.

Also, always be sure to capitalize your title. It should have at least been "Diary of a Broken Family".


Presentation/Description/Foreword: [3/10]

If I had just been looking for a fic to read, and I clicked on your fic, the description would have repelled me right away. The description is just some rhyme, the font color changes, and it just looks bad. Try to keep everything neat and preferably one color, just so that it looks better (because, unfortunately, readers do care about the visuals of a story, too, especially when it concerns the description/foreword).

Your description bothers me the most, simply because it's a rhyme that has numbers that aren't spelled out – numbers one through nine are always spelled out – and, like I said earlier, the font color changes. Also, if you were to be scanning the Kaisoo tag for a fic regularly, your summary would just be "1,2..." (I checked), and that isn't appealing at all. I say skip the rhyme entirely, and move the foreword to the description. If you still want the rhyme, you could move it to the foreword, but I really don't find it necessary at all.

I don't want to go into the details of your grammar – that's for the next part – but I will say that it also turns me off, because right from the start I can tell that grammar is not your strength, and therefore the fic will have similar errors throughout.

The good part is that your description/foreword do give us an idea as to what the fic is about, which is what they're meant to do. You set up who the main character/narrator is, as well as hint to the family's circumstances. The description sets up the fic, as it is meant to.
 

Grammar: [2.5/10]

There are so many things I have to say that I honestly have no idea where I should start. But since I've already written out a similar guideline to dialogue, I'll start out there with how to write dialogue, since you're writing it incorrectly.

This is how you write dialogue correctly:

• “And you’re one to talk,” he snapped.
• “You’ve got to be kidding me!” she screamed.
• “Are you crazy?” he asked.
• "Hey," Kyungsoo murmurred. "How are you?"
• "Hey," Kyungsoo murmurred, "how are you?"

NOT

• "And you're one to talk." he snapped.
• "And you're one to talk." He snapped.
• "Hey," Kyungsoo murmured, "How are you?"

I bolded the one that matches how you write your dialogue.

Dialogue is tricky for a lot of people, but just keep practicing and correcting yourself, and you'll get it down in no time. Also, get a beta. This is not a recommendation; this is a demand. Get a beta who knows basic grammar to help you catch these things like dialogue. It is pretty hard to get all of your dialogue mistakes by yourself, even with this guide, so you're going to need someone to point them out for you all of the time until it comes as second nature.

That, and betas are just great in general for everything honestly. They'll correct all of your mistakes and give you pointers, as long as you have a good beta.

The next thing that stood out to me is that sometimes you don't put a space after a punctuation mark. For example, "Mr.Do" should be Mr. Do with that space between the period and "Do." And in the dates, you even do this: "November 24th,2012" should be "November 24th, 2012" with the space. You do this on and off repeatedly (but mostly on). Just remember that – unless it's an ellipsis (...) – there should always be a space after punctuation. It's just how grammar works.

Also, ellipses always have three periods! Not two, not four or five – three! You often mix up the number of periods, but seriously, it doesn't matter how long the pause is – it's always three periods. Now with that being said, don't use ellipses too often, or else it becomes overdone and it breaks up the flow, as well as makes the story sound awkward in places. You could always write out the pause – "there was a pause" or "he paused" – or use a dash (-) and/or em dash (–).

You have an issue with comma placement and comma splices, but I really don't know how to help you with this. Comma placement is about what sounds good, but it's also about what's grammatically correct – you can't go sticking commas everywhere just because there's a pause. All I can say here is look up comma lessons online or something, and get a beta. I can't stress this enough. A beta will be your best friend – and biggest critic, but a good one – and a great teacher, so long as you get a skilled beta.

You should always reread your fic regardless, because you sometimes forget words or mispell them, which comes from carelessness more so than it does with your grammar skills.

But you have potential. I want to say this so I don't dishearten you or anything, because really, you have potential to be much better. I mean, some parts of the fic had fine grammar, so I can't say you're helpless. Just get a beta and practice, practice, practice! Grammar comes with practice, trust me.

 

Plot: [12/20]



At first, I really didn't know what to expect. I thought this fic would drag on and on with Jongin's moods acting up again, so I'm glad you added Minsoo so there would be a real plot. However, I kind of feel like Minsoo was added without planning. Like one chapter he was just there and then we find out he's a big part to this fic. I don't know, though – maybe he really was part of the fic's planning from the start?

I'm going to talk about this in the following portion about characterization, but I really wish you took the time to tell more of Jongin's side of the story. I understand that Jun Min did not like his father at first, and therefore it makes sense that Jongin wasn't represented since Jun Min didn't want to speak to him, but I don't know. You could've hinted towards Jongin's conditions (i.e. why he was such a jerk) through dialogue with Kyungsoo or something, or with anyone else. Because Jongin was somewhat flat for a character so important to this fic.

Other than that, though, things did begin to become more interesting and clear (plot-wise) once Minsoo stepped in and started causing trouble. I do feel as if it was a bit overdramatic, though, especially since the chapter Minsoo came in was the chapter everything started going down hill in. I feel as if you could've allowed a little interlude between Minsoo's introduction and Kyungsoo and Jongin's fight because of Minsoo to allow us to see more of Jongin and Kyungsoo's relationship.

Anyway, the plot wasn't bad, but it wasn't necessarily spectacular. It felt like it was out of a thriller film honestly, which did make it exciting, but I just wish you added more dynamics to Kyungsoo, Jongin, and Jun Min's relationship (Kyungsoo and Jongin as a pair, and then the three of them as a family) before you threw in Minsoo.

Characterization: [8/15]

I have the biggest issue with Jongin's character in your fic. Seriously, he went from being the biggest jerk in the world to suddenly really apologetic? I mean, that's not normal, you have to understand that, right? That's something someone bipolar would do, but I don't think you ever hinted that Jongin is bipolar – he's just a jerk.

Seriously, in chapter four, he just... apologizes? He suddenly realizes all the harm he's done? What? He was unacceptably cruel in the first few chapters! You need to either fix and tone down what he did in the first chapters, or change the story entirely to fit his character. I feel that, even though I get that this was supposed to be in Jun Min's point of view and focus on his feelings towards his family, a lot of this story was about how Jongin was the reason for the pain. I wish you had gone into more detail about Jongin, so we could at least understand what was going through his mind when he did all those bad things. Because honestly, I'm having a very hard time forgiving him.

Jongin is definitely your weakest character for the reason that he was not given any real development. We saw him angry, then apologetic, then happy, then angry, then apologetic, then happy. It was a cycle without reasoning behind it.

Everyone else wasn't bad. I'm glad you gave Kyungsoo a more round personality towards the end, and showed that he was stronger than he first seemed in the first few chapters and that he loved his kids first before Jongin (because in the beginning, I was afraid it was the other way around).

I also give you props for Jun Min's character. I love his reactions and feelings towards his father, because they made sense in my opinion. He was angry about his father's abuse, and he didn't forgive him all because Kyungsoo did. I also enjoyed how he still loved his father despite it all, seen through the scenes in the hospital.

My biggest pet peeve about Jun Min was when he started speaking though, mostly because he seemed so nochalant about it. I get that he thought it was no big deal, that him being mute was his choice, but you did say he forgot how to speak after avoiding it for so long. For him to just speak and go "yeah, whatever, this is normal" was weird. I feel like Jun Min should have been more proud of himself.

Also, as smart as I believe kids can be, Jun Min sometimes seemed a bit too wise for a seven-year-old. I mean, maybe eight or nine, but seven? He's barely in the third grade, right? Maybe even second? I don't know, I just find it hard to believe that a seven-year-old could write, talk, and think the way Jun Min does. It would not have changed the story if you had made him a little older – it just would have made his character more believable. So I think you should reconsider his age.


Flow: [5.5/10]

The overall flow wasn't too bad if you disregard the part before Minsoo came into the picture (although the chapter Minsoo came in was also pretty rushed, in my opinion). Chapter four still upsets me because it seriously went from Jongin being an abusive father to someone who actually cares.

I felt that the breaks were annoying, especially in the beginning (chapter two). But I want to forgive them, mostly because of the fact that I know this is written in a diary format and such, so a kid might just write a break like that.

But I applaud you for not dragging this story out too long, like I feared you would at the beginning. Once Minsoo popped up, the plot was pretty straightforward and it flowed rather nicely. (Although Jongin's character will bother me to no end, because he was way too unstable and he was really the story's weakest link.)

 


Style: [12/20]

I don't really know how to judge the style of a diary fic, because I have a bias against them honestly. Your style isn't terrible, and it does fit a more childish narration ("special kind of back hug" was probably one of my favorite parts in the chapter after Jun Min read Kyungsoo's diary) in this fic.

I think, if I were to look past the grammatical errors plaguing this fic, your style would not have been that bad. But it's still pretty ordinary, and for that, I won't give too many points.

 


Originality/Overall Enjoyment: [5/10]


This was not an entirely pleasant read, I'm afraid to admit. I don't like diary fics to begin with, because the weirdest part about diary fics is the fact that they're in diary form. I don't know a single person who can recall dialogue – especially considering your narrator is just a child, too – and can rewrite it all into a diary.

However, I must admit that once I got further into the story and Minsoo came into the picture, I became a little more interested and it wasn't as painful. This fic is not necessarily original, but it's not incredibly cliched either. I always enjoy fics that come from a kid's point of view, because they give a fresh take on stories. I appreciate that your kid wasn't overbearing either, or too childish, which made this easier to read.

But please – get a beta. The grammar is probably the biggest problem, with Jongin's characterization following.

 

TOTAL: 51/100