[PART OF Changtastic ℝeview & ℝecc Services.]

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Carnivorous

 

Author: FallingArrows

Reviewer: aintyoufunny

 

LINK

 

Dear FallingArrows,

 

In all honesty, I was actually intrigued when I read the description. I kind of wanted to read your story, which is a good thing, especially since I tend to stay away from OC stories because I fear Mary-Sues.

 

Before anything, I'll start with the title and foreword. The title isn't necessarily bad - it's appropriate. But at the same time, somewhat boring. You changed it, I noticed, and I also want to comment on that: don't keep on changing your title. If you do, people won't really remember what fic it is and they might stop reading updates. Your new title is a bit more interesting and less used, I'll give you that. It does make me want to click on a bit more if I were to see it.

 

But maybe it's your foreword. "This story is about a girl that finds an island" would be the first line the reader sees. I'll be very blunt: I would not click on this story. That first line is boring. Too vague, too simple, too nothing. I understand that you went on to explain, but let's face it: if you don't catch their attention at first glance, then they probably won't click on your story to begin with.

 

Remember what they teach in school: a hook. Something that grabs the reader's attention. I always suggest an exciting, unique hook, followed by an actual summary/description of your story. All you need is something to pull in a reader, because after that, things get simpler.

 

(Tip: Change that adventureromance tag to simply an adventure tag, because more people will be searching through that tag. And a mytery tag might be appropriate, too.)

 

As for presentation, I really like your poster, actually. It fits the mood and theme.

 

[title: 4/5] / [presentation: 5/5]

 

Grammar-wise, you have problems with tenses, as in you switch from past to present, probably without even noticing it. This isn't odd, because it can happen if someone steps away from writing and comes back forgetting what tense she was writing in. However, make sure to always keep in mind what tense you are using when you write. It can be hard to keep track of these things at first, I know, because I used to do the same. But the more alert you become of the tenses you use, the better you'll become at avoiding unconscious tense changes.

 

Your grammar, overall, was fairly good, though. 

 

Except for your dialogue at times.

 

"It's not what it seems like." A voice said behind me.

 

That's incorrect. This is correct:

 

"It's not what it seems like," a voice said behind me.

 

Commas are our friends~ 

 

More examples:

"Hey!" she yelled.

"What?" he asked.

"I'm tired," she said.

"That's nice…" he replied.

 

Dialogue can be tricky, but once you get it down, it's very easy.

 

Onto your style and tone, it seemed appropriate. It's straightforward and it sounds natural. The only thing that took away from this was when you would blatantly introduce characters, such as her father and Joon. Remember: show, not tell. Important characters should be revealed through actions and events, not given some introduction paragraph. Not only that, but it is also very unnatural. 

 

For example, I do not stop to think about my brother's entire life and appearance when I talk to him. Therefore, a first-person narrator shouldn't either. This is more acceptable if the character introduced is not as important, perhaps, but because Joon and her father are main characters, the reader should be able to infer who they are and their personalities, looks, etc. through your writing. For example, instead of just saying Joon is kind-hearted and caring yet judged as mysterious and dark because of his looks, you can write about them going to school and Joon doing something nice but the kid running away because Joon looks unfriendly.

 

… not a really good description right there, but I hope you understand what I mean.

 

Also, please keep to calling characters by one name in first-person, because that's much more natural. Other people may call someone something else, but the narrator should have one set name for a character. And let's face it: her talking about her own dad by his full name is just weird. 

 

But other than that, I do believe the narrating is pretty natural. I also like how you describe the surroundings - very descriptive, and I liked it a lot. Chapter two's second part was pretty amazing, in my opinion. Your usages of similes and analogies were pretty nice to read.

 

[language and style: 19/25] / [flow: 9/10]

 

Onto your characters, I feel as if they're pretty well-rounded for the moment. Nothing to necessarily nit-pick on any of the main characters so far, except for the fact that maybe your protagonist/narrator is a bit… flat. Her emotions aren't all too surprising, and she seems like she could be played by anyone. Try personalizing her farther into the story. 

 

[characters: 8.5/10]

 

Now, for the actual story and plot so far, I really like it. It's different from what I usually read, and I like how you don't force romance into it. It has the appropriate amount of suspense and mystery and action and it makes me want to stay and continue reading (which I will). You seemed to have put thought into this story (well, I hope you have, because it has so much potential and I don't want to see it fall flat due to poor planning or a lack of planning). 

 

I actually thought this would be a little cliched. Just cliched in the "it's dark and scary and mysterious and bad guys are after me but I have a hot guy to save me" stuff. Vague, yes, but it's hard to explain some of my emotions. Either way, you proved me wrong so far, and I'm honestly on the edge of my seat wanting to know what's happening.

 

[plot: 25/25] / [originality and entertainment: 18/20]

 

OVERALL: 88.5/100