Author: secretseven
Reviewer: aintyoufunny

Story Link

Dear secretseven,

You know that I do not like you fics. In fact, that is why you requested me to review your story. But I'm going to be honest with you, even if I'm not going to be harsh. 

I still don't like "you" fics.

And because this is "me", I will name off why.

• I do not smoke.
• I will never smoke.
• So why am "I" smoking?

This is honestly the main reason I hate "you" fics - because it isn't really me, and when "I" do something I wouldn't do, I just get turned off by the story. 

I feel like your story could have done better had it been focused on a specific OC instead. She would've then been able to be given more life and details, rather than just vague background facts. Even though "you" fics are supposed to connect with the reader, I feel as if, most of the time, they just make the two more separate. At least with well-describe, thought-out protagonists, we know a little more behind the face and the actions make a little more sense.

But I didn't hate everything in your fic.

I enjoyed how realistically the "you" character was portrayed, and how even T.O.P. was portrayed. It wasn't, "I saw you. I fell in love with you, and ignore the fact that I'm your biggest fan, which is the main reason why I even love you." The plot made sense. It could honestly happen (well, assuming T.O.P. would be that daring, knowing it could be scandalous).

I commend you on how the girl doesn't fall for T.O.P. even though he kissed her and such. Especially since said girl is said to be T.O.P. biased. If anything, he repelled her from men even more. Which makes sense because I don't care how amazing a man is, if he's a douche, he's not worth it. Even T.O.P. counts in this.

One thing that kind of bothered me about T.O.P., though, was that he kind of reminded me of every other douche out there. Pretty girl. Hit on pretty girl. Kiss pretty girl without permission. Not much originality around his character on that part. His words could be put into another guy's mouth without hesitation.

"He was ing Choi Seung hyun and he was... just another man." Spot-on. I love this line. And I guess it makes up for T.O.P.'s character being somewhat unoriginal. 

[Characters: 9/10] 

Moving onto the plot, there really isn't much to grade. I feel like the main conflict was T.O.P.'s attitude and real personality, and how he ended up repelling "me" from liking him anymore. It's realistic, but I don't know if there's enough to make the plot WOW-worthy or memorable. 

To add to it, you could have related him more back to her past love. After all, he was spoken of so much in the two beginning paragraphs, but then he was unspoken of as soon as T.O.P. entered the scene. It made it seem kind of... off. It made me ask what was the purpose of mentioning him, besides to add more to the "all men are the same jerks" theme.

I also would have liked to know the time frame of this fic, actually. Mainly because it is really daring of an idol to risk his image so boldly with someone who knows who he is. If you explained this was set later, a couple of years in the future, it might make a little more sense. But if it's set today... I can't see it.

[Plot: 17/25.]

Your grammar and such was pretty spot-on, aside from one mistake in dialogue I caught. I also liked the style used - simple, straightforward. The tone was spot on, and it was all very believable.

I really enjoyed the second paragraph - the way you described the smoke and such. It was very descriptive, and it actually helped add to the "you" factor because it made me 'feel' the smoke, in a sense.

You had some issues with switching tenses. It was really subtle changes, but I don't think they were intentional. For example, this line: "You drew smoke, invited it down your throat, through your lungs, pass your blood, to your brain and you exhale." It switches from past to present in only one sentence. There are other tense mistakes that are easily passed over if not looked at in detail.

There's also some comma mistakes. First line of the second paragraph: "So you, excuse yourself". I think you meant to put the comma after 'so' instead, or else it really doesn't make sense. You are also missing commas in several other places, but they're less noticeable mistakes and can be considered a style preference.

I kind of wish you kept the same style throughout, though. The beginning was so descriptive, but that just withered away as the story progressed. I felt as if T.O.P. should've been described a little more, or at least her response to him could've been added to. Like I said earlier, maybe you could try to link it past to the former lover she was talking about.

[Language&Style: 24/25.] / [Flow: 10/10.]

As for the story and how I enjoyed it, I actually didn't hate it as much as I might have. As I said, it was realisitic, and I think that was my favorite aspect of it. "I" am not overly perfect, and T.O.P. isn't some sort of prince who was ready to sweep "me" of "my" feet. If this wasn't a "you" fic, I'd really enjoy this.

I was entertained for the most part. It helped that this was short, because I actually have some difficulty paying attention to longer fics. I really do wish this wasn't a "you" fic so that I could read more about the protagonist to actually feel and sympathize with her. She just feels so flat, even if she's supposed to be "me".

[Originality&Entertainment: 18/20.] 

Your presentation was simple. Not much to grade without a poster and such. [Presentation: 5/5.]

And now comes the main thing I want to critique on: your title and foreword.

The title is a sentence, which isn't bad, but it's not a very eye-catching title. I like how it connects to the story (I really like how they connect, actually), but without reading the story, the title didn't give off a very good connotation to me. It kind of makes me thinks the story will be just like every other story out there - the two meet, they fall in love, and their love is "sealed with a kiss". But yours is quite the opposite, so the title does it no justice.

[Title: 2/5.]

And I wish there was more to the foreword to at least help your title problem. But there wasn't much, and it disappointed me. I would not have read this had I not been asked, because I always need something in the foreward to pull me in. At least a hook, if not a short summary. [Foreword: -5.] I feel that you really need an actual foreword to give this story the needed UMPH. Because, trust me, it's a good oneshot - simple, realistic, somewhat short, but good. But your foreword really brings you down.

OVERALL: 80/100.

(Note: I had no idea how to review this for you, Cherry. Serious vs. not-serious was kind of a struggle. But I actually didn't hate your fic, honestly. The realistic plot overrode the fact that it's a "you" fic. I mainly hate "you" fics for the the reason I explained above, and because their plots can be really... bleh. But yours wasn't ^^)