sometimes i feel like a puppet
sometimes i feel like a puppet.
since i'm a music major, i feel like even more pressure is put upon me to do well. no one else in my extended family understands what i have to go through, nor do they make an effort to understand, because "who cares about classical music"? i know what i have to do to get there, but i will admit: i'm super unmotivated sometimes.
my mom usually lectures me a lot, and it's never a calm lecture. it's the kind of lecture that makes me feel really ty about myself. i know she's just trying to motivate me to do better and push me, but it kinda hurts.
like, since i'm adopted, the fact that she said if she had a biological child, then they would be just as unstoppable and as passionate as her. i know she kinda meant it as a joke, but it kinda really hurt.
it's just that when she pushes me to do better, i have this feeling that she's living vicariously through me.
and that i'm not really even living my life anymore.
my friend groups have always been controlled. i can't really go out. everything i do, i do for her. my first concern is always "did i do well enough for mom?"
i recently just got back from hawaii, and i promised myself that i would get rid of the many sides of me, since i tend to be a chameleon. and if people don't like me for who i am, then i don't need to focus on that.
i'm going to find myself, and (as bts says) i'm going to speak myself.
sorry that ended up being extremely dramatic and all, but i wanted to put my thoughts down and organize my head.
congrats if you made it through this whole post! here's a gif of my baby tae
- em
and another one XD
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