hey guys! so i know i'm the worst aff user - i'm a legit ghost writer and reader 😩 i big time for not finishing my two lame stories YET (believe me, i really want to.. still so many ideas.. just very poor time management 🙃) and i am literally just a reader - i view and subscribe to what interests me or whatever but i don't upvote/comment at all which i know is very important to authors.. really sorry about that 🙏

but that's not the reason i'm writing this. so if you've noticed.. with the stories i've written and the stories i subscribed to.. i'm a er for kai - anything kai. exo kai. kim jong in. jong in. nini. bear. kai. and i bet most of you heard about the surprising? first dispatch dating news of 2019.. jenkai.

i just want to get these thoughts out of my system.... (lol that sounded weird and awkward) but please don't laugh at me/hate on me with what i'm about to.... write. i'm not sure on how will this end, i just gave it a try 😅 i don't know if this is the right outlet and i don't know how will my fellow fans be able to read this but again.. i really need to let these out even in just writings because i don't have anyone to talk to and it's been bothering me for a while now..

i was (still am..?..) hurt the moment i've read about it. or i didn't know how to feel/react. you may call me overreacting or even worse, obsessed.. i'm not related to any of them, they don't even know i exist - I AM JUST A FAN.

and it's not like it's the first time he's dated. we? all had mixed reactions when we heard about kaistal. i was shocked and ecstatic at the same time. i love them both. if i cannot have him for myself, i'm willing to give way for her (lol that sounded creepy). for me, they are the king and queen of their generation. and they are perfect for each other.. they've known each other since they were trainees. since half of their lives. they shared both the joys and struggles of the career they chose. but they sadly came to an end.. and we'll never know the real reason why. privacy, of course, always comes first. their PERSONAL feelings - not ours, not mine.

so why am i even writing this in the first place lol it's just that....... i want to share that i'm hurt. i'm hurt that we had to know about his private life AGAIN through a media outlet known for stalking artists. i'm hurt that it's not krystal anymore. i'm hurt that he did not let us know. and he still hasn't talked to us about it until now. i'm hurt that i'm just a delusional fan whose thoughts may already be influenced by fictions. i'm hurt that i can continue the list of what i don't like with this situation and i'm hurt that i feel this way.

i constantly remind myself that i don't have a say on who should he love. i hate myself for not liking the new girl. i hate myself for feeling frustrated with no rights. i should be happy that he is happy but this is not what i have in my mind. i will be able to accept their relationship eventually....... just, not now. please let me wallow in my feelings first.

and that's it.. that's the blog.

to my fellow fans who share the similar thoughts, what a way to start the new year, huh? i guess we will be again questioning our feelings and ourselves for a while 😕 a fan's life, really.... always torn about so many things.... 🤔🤔