I didn't think I would be logging back into this account for this situaion. Never in a million years, did I ever, EVER, think or dream that this day would have come...but it has.

I awoke yesterday to a screen shot of the article reporting the death of Kim Jonghyun. My first reaction was, "Oh great, someone's written another celebrity death hoax article." I laughed, I told myself it wasn't real. I told myself that this was some big joke and that Jonghyun would hop on instagram or twitter and say, "It's okay guys, I'm still here!"

Then reality began to set in.

Jonghyun didn't get on his social media. More reports and updates began to come forward. The final straw that let me know that this horrible tragedy was real was when SM confirmed.

This is what makes me sick about the kpop industry, this is what makes me angry about Jonghyun's death- hundreds upon thousands of people in Korea DIE EVERY GODDAMN DAY because of SUICIDE! They have a higher suicide rate than the U.S.! THIS IS NOT A ING JOKE ANYMORE!

Korean entertainment companies brush aside the fact that their idols are in pain, physcially, emotionally, and mentally. CAN YOU SEE IT NOW?!

How many more ing suicides do we have to live and watch in horror until you mother ers get a goddamn clue, your methods AREN'T WORKING!

And then my grief reminds me that he's gone. 

I tried to ignore the pain and carry on with life, and yet I ended up playing my SHINee playlist with a mix of Jonghyun's solo albums in between. And I cried. I drove around, singing along with Jonghyun's lines because I know every single freaking line he's ever sung, and I sobbed my heart out. 

He was in pain, he was hurting, and he felt like he had no one to go to. I know how that feels. I know that it's like to live with that kind of pain, and it broke my heart all over again. 

I'm numb. I'm still in shock and utter disbelief that he's actaully gone. I keep checking his instagram as I did every day, to see if he posted something new. But there's nothing. There never will be anything ever again.

His beautiful smile, his infectious laugh, his angelic voice, his brilliant writing...all gone in a matter of twenty-four hours.

If you struggle with depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, anything, PLEASE talk to someone. Please get help. Please don't end your life. Someone cares. Someone loves you. Someone out there doesn't want you to go. For Jonghyun, and for all of us, please don't go.

There's a link below for anyone who feels like they are in this type of situation. And to any Shawols out there, please come talk if you need to. We're here. We're stronger together. We're by your side. 

I'm heart broken with Jonghyun's death...he was my first male kpop crush. He was and always will be my bias and my ultimate bias. 

We love you bling bling. We miss you. 

http://remedylive.com/

#staystrongshawols

Edit: my fave graphoc shop included this link in one of their posts, here's a link of any prevention hotline you may be going through https://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/578240/801/we-got-fired-graphic-shop-closed-graphic-graphics-poster-request-you-postershop-graphicshop​​​​​​​