Dearest Jonghyun,

              Well, as of tomorrow, it's been a whole year since you left. It's strange, looking back now and seeing the letter I wrote you, seeing the posts about your death. I can finally listen to your music and SHINee albums without crying, but I still turn off certain songs as I'm just not ready to hear them yet. With time, I know it will get easier, as it has over the last year.

It's crazy to think that you've been gone this long, that new music has come from SHINee without your voice included. It's strange, and I find myself unable to really...get into it, without you there. It's not right, to me. I'm proud of the guys in everything they do, and their tribute to you was beautiful. I just can't bring myself to listen to the new music. 

A lot of the anger I had a few months ago is gone now, replaced with a sort of understanding and realization that you just couldn't go on anymore. I'm still sad, I still miss you, I still with you were here, but I understand. I always did, to a certain degree, but deep down I wanted to be selfish and angry with you for killing yourself. I'm not angry anymore, instead, I only wish that you have peace wherever you are now. 

The world is such a different place without you, I know for sure that I don't like it. I never wanted to see a world without you, and sure enough it hasn't been good. It's a strange life to live, but I'm adjusting. 

Sometimes I listen to your album and wonder what you would be doing right now, at this point. I wonder if you would have made another album, or maybe even have done a movie or a tv show. You were a better actor than you were given credit for, and I'm sad we didn't get more of your SNL skits with the guys. And through all of this, I keep thinking about the fact that your death hasn't done anything to change the world. It's like no one talks about the fact that you took your life, they just say you passed away. That irritates me, that no one wants to start a conversation, to hear that people are suffering mentally and that you're own death didn't make a difference. 

Nothing changed.

You simply died, people mourned, moved on, and the world proceeded as if nothin had happened. You're merely a shadow that is forever imortalized in SHINee's tribute video to you. It makes me mad that that's all you are now, that's all you'll seem to ever be. And yet, I bring up the fact that you killed yourself quite often. When people ask about the kpop industry, I warn them about the dangers of what it's really like, the price that people pay to enter the kpop world. It's a hefty one, filled with lonliness and pain, as you showed us so plainly. I haven't forgotten you, and I'm sure there are a plethra of others who would join me in saying they haven't forgotten about you. I haven't forgotten your life or the person you were, or what you went through before your last breath was taken. 

I haven't forgotten. I don't think I'll ever be able to forget you, as you'll always have a place in my heart. SHINee was my first kpop boyband, and you were my first love in the kpop world. You don't forget things like that, espeically something that was so special and dear to your heart, like you were.

Thank you for existing, even if it only was for a little while. Happy belated 28th Birthday. We miss you.

Love,
Kyla