well the title is pretty self-explanatory! 

edit: this is a 1777-word post, read only if you have time or won't get annoyed, i'm sorry, and i couldn't resist writing with a little flair

tbh this fanmeet is a whole new experience for me!! for the first time, i actually didn't feel stressed up about meeting my idols (probably because it was right a day after my last paper so my stress has all been for exams) and i enjoyed it so fulfullingly!! and the whole fanmeet was so well planned and i think i could see gugudan was really happy which made me really happy just seeing them like that. 

yesterday made me realise that the most fulfilling experience isn't to meet the people we've loved through screens for once with our eyes, but to actually create a memory that we've finally came before each other. maybe it's because i'm older now that i see things a lot differently (honestly i read my own "i met gfriend" post from last year about a week ago and wow, i feel like a completely different person from that girl though we're only one year apart! haha), but probably more so because i really, really had an unbelievable experience.

firstly, having seen haebin onstage with my eyes and heard her beautiful voice with my ears already feels surreal. i really didn't expect that i have such a blessed life that she would remember me, from me holding up the led banner i made in my phone (basically flashing my phone screen) many many times throughout the fanmeet! honestly it was really thanks to a new friend i met who lent me her portable charger such that my phone could last through that, and that was certainly life-changing because after that haebin truely recognised me! seriously it still feels sOoooOO weird typing this out, saying that she knows me now i'm tingling all over /squirms/

the first time gugudan did a greeting and had a talk session, i held it up and she noticed. we waved at each other and i was already dying tbh seriously ahh and i managed to catch her attention again but she just smiled at me (2). and when i showed her finger heart signs she showed them back i was over the moon (3). i have a bad memory because we interacted many times so interaction no. (2) and (3) i can't remember which came first tho i think it should be (2)!

and i recall that she kept noticing me when i raised my phone so many times, even playing around with me when we did finger signs (might have been interaction no. (3) or might have been another time) i was so happy not just because she noticed me but because she looked so happy to have found me amongst the crowd of danjjaks  mostly sejeong akgaes (which actually had really little haebin stans T_T)

btw readers might be confused that nayoung is my bias instead because i write using her as my muse HAHAHA i do like nayoung very much, but after haebin, and nayoung is just my muse because her character is just one i love writing about

edit: btw guys they were throwing out signed plastic balls and i got nayoung's! caught mina's one actually but a new friend beside me wanted mina's so i exchanged it with her

so during encore, when the staff decided to let loose and allow cameras, i decided to take my phone out to try. try, because lighting is always bad in a performance from the audience's view and my phone does not have a pro camera. to my surprise, really, haebin saw me taking my phone up and waved to me/sent me finger hearts + posed for a photo! i hope she saw my smile, one that i only unleash when i'm especially happy she smiled at me i could see she was very happy, and i was so happy to be able to at least contribute some good to her experience in singapore :")

and then we proceeded to hi-touch. i didn't want to keep my phone because i wanted to show her the led banner to tell her it was me, but they were so strict about phones and cameras in case of any photos/recording i didn't want to get into trouble so i kept it, with much faith and hope (more so of the latter) that she'd recognise me, reason being she recognised me as her fan with the led banner in phone when i tried taking pictures during encore- and yes, when it came to her, i just told her "unnie jeoyo, jeoyo!" (unnie it's me it's me!) in a very much pleading and excited voice. (feeling quite sorry and slightly pitiful that i didn't treasure the hitouch with the other members because i was jittery about her. sighs because though i love her very much there is still some place in my heart that each of the other members hold esp those i like more like nayoung, soyee...) so yEs, she really did recognise me and held my hand when i hi5-ed her,,, we were both so grateful for each other and i think our hearts really connected although little words were exchanged. 

then it was photo op. i saw that haebin was standing towards the other end for the photo taking of the previous group while i was at the front of the queue (and started worrying again because i really don't know what i'd do if it isn't her with me in the picture ;-;) but then i saw that they had the members go backstage while we take our seats so fans don't get to choose which members to take the group picture with. likewise, i held that little faith in me (slightly bigger than before, this time a higher portion than hope) that she'd know to come to me. and yes, God bless, she did. i told her the same thing "unnie it's me" but in terrible korean and she came to me immediately after seeing me. haha i guess she was really happy when taking the photo. also i think i kinda looked quite noob because i placed my hair behind my ears (i have no idea what i was thinking, that doesn't by fact help her recognise me in any way) so aish but never mind now haha. so after the-

btw this is really long so don't force yourself to read through everything HAHA

-photo was taken i turned aroung and we held hands/hi-10ed/idek(?? why do i not remember what we did, i seriously hate this poor memory of mine TT_TT) and thanked each other once again but for me only with my eyes because i was probably still dumbfounded. we bowed to each other and she thanked me before we waved each other goodbye (aye what a parting...) now that i think of it i shouldn't have just left like that, i should've kept my head turned around and to keep on waving and smiling at her and seeing her beautiful smile...

that's how it went

and a bit of missing information: i was one of the coordinators of the message book (which i hope/believe, has a higher probability of reaching the girls than other fangifts) from danjjaks to gugudan for this fanmeet so the few of us coordinators could slot in some stuff to be delievered to the girls, particularly our favourite members. i didn't think of that, so when i saw that i told them i really feel like i could rush out a letter there and then (with much remorse that it won't be one with well-thought out effort), they supported that idea (what great new friends i'm so grateful!) and when i asked if perhaps i could rush to another mall, find an aesthetic stationery shop to get something to write on/with, they thought bad of it because they wasn't enough time. one suggested i get a piece of paper from the front counter of the theatres, but as the introvert i am i was so scared of approaching for requests as i always am! then the other agreed to go with me while i go and get that paper so after a while i did so. and yes the kind lady at the counter gave me a fresh sheet of a4 paper and my new friend lent me a pen to write my letter out :') though i had to use naver to translate from japanese to korean for me (because the languages are closer and translations might be more accurate than from english, thus having to brave through with my still lacking japanese) and i had to be so careful yet quick in writing before it was too late. and also make it look a little nicer by drawing a few flowers, some of which i've turned from full stops that i've accidentally written as circles instead of a mere period '.' because i've been using so much japanese recently ^^|| and then i folded it into a number 6 (which looked kinda bad i'm so- ,,,) and wrote that it's to her after folding it, then slotting it into the message book safely before we entered the venue to enjoy the show. phew

the friend who went with me to the counter for the paper is the same one whom i've borrowed the portable charger from! these two are seriously lifesavers, i'm so glad to have agreed/tried to do a fanproject ie the message book that i've met them who made the experience so incredible i don't know how it'd be without them, and also for accompanying me because i was 5 hours early and literally the first fan there

well so now, haebin has 2 things from me- a memory i hope she won't forget, and a heartfelt letter despite my bad korean- though she doesn't know that that led banner phone girl is the same as the writer of that letter- and my life really feels complete

i hope she felt welcomed in singapore and had a great time, same for the other girls too!! such lovely angels, very talented, beautiful singing and dancing, i had a great time watching their performances with much admiration because i too love singing and dancing, as well as having fun seeing them having fun with the activities and games i'm grateful the production team did so well preparing for the girls. 

thank you gugudan for the wonderful experience, one of a kind. i'll be eternally grateful ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

and wow if you've read through all this, you have such strong stamina

it still feels unreal that unlike the common, i'm not loving someone who doesn't know i exist- so this is why haebin has my whole and full heart now-

i'm truely blessed and i'm so grateful. so mostly, thank You God even though loving someone this unconditionally and this foolishly isn't what You probably want of me, ♡

edit: during diary when i was following the choreography from my seat with my left hand while holding up the makeshift led banner, haebin saw and smiled at me, or was it another time when i was singing along as they performed, or was it both