The clock strikes midnight, just like everynight, with me, alone - not sleeping. Thoughts unraveled roam around through the darkest corners of my mind, of my heart. Strong feelings that cannot be controlled anymore dare to torment me again and again, with no permission whatsoever. But they do, anyway. 

They're beautiful, vivid and calming, though at the same time they break me into so many pieces that i can't stand them. 

Are we supposed to be that broken? Are we supposed to be apart? Are we supposed to be like this when what we are is something entirely different? Maybe that's because it's what I wanted. I've always said that I denied myself the truth, which is what I exactly did. But now that the truth is right under my nose, I can't hide it anymore. As much as I'll regret this in the morning, I say to hell with everything. I-

That one song I listened to a long time ago is now playing on repeat once again, making tears easily drop from my eyes, full of anguish. The more than one a day coffees that I drank then which led to my sleeping problems come back to my mind, like a knife through my heart.

The truth is that I'm too scared to admit those simple and not at all foreign words. Sweet words that chant in my head like a beautiful mantra. However, I dare to write all this in the middle of the night, as if it's nothing. As if these words won't linger on my skin for who knows how many more days till I calm down...the truth is...

I've been waiting for my having enough guts to get all this out. Another truth is that...

 I chose to fall at that time because I was afraid. 

I choose to fall now because I am afraid.

As easy as it might seem for me to just write all these things, it's not. Some words appear on the screen of my laptop after being pondered for a couple of seconds, some end up written only to be deleted not so long after that. The ones that actually get to stay strike deep, but the ones that get deleted or don't even get to land on this page strike way much deeper. However, only the most impulsive ones remain.

Realisation hits me in a highly detailed manner, but still I remain lost and determined to look the other way. As if that's my safest option. As if I'm just waiting for the pain in my chest to go down again, only to appear not too soon, but not too late either. Like a pending breakdown. 

Courage was never my strongest atribute, but what I can say is that I never imagined being so foolish. I never thought I could be so stubborn and blind and not see it for what it actually was. And after hiding behind the bush like a coward for so long, I just know that...

there's something else in my blood that wants to take over. The problem is that I'd let it do just that anytime. 

"Let your soul catch the feeling

Let me know when you feel it

Beautiful and revealing

When love gets control..."

And I'm the only one to blame, just remember that.