*I started writing this in October 2016...so yeah, it took me a while to put it all into one piece...but it's finally here. Enjoy*

 

 

They say it only takes a while till you feel like you can’t take it anymore. And then you let everything out and get back on your feet. Well, let’s just say that for some of us, this happens more than once…

 

 

 

It didn’t take long till I broke and got back from where I started. As much as everything took me by surprise this time, it wasn’t completely unexpected. It’s just that I didn’t expect to break so soon. I’ve felt really well for the past few weeks and that leaves no doubt that I was more than shocked and overwhelmed when I found myself crying. When I felt everything crashing on my shoulders once again. Drained and weakened again. Completely lost.

I thought everything was over. But I seem to be wrong a lot lately. And that’s even worse than knowing what I’m up against. I would rather deal with the truth, no matter how much it hurt, than actually believing I’m ok and crashing again only seconds after.

I’m disappointed in myself for thinking you would completely forget about me when I left. I wasn’t expecting you to be so supportive and friendly and text me almost everyday.

But not just that…

I’m disappointed in myself for thinking that I could easily stop talking to you for good if you also stopped looking for me. That I would completely erase you from my life and forget about everything. Forget about you…

 

“You don’t have to say you’re sorry

Or redeem yourself to me, oh

I’m not asking for confessions

You don’t even have to speak, no…”

 

 

I guess I’m still being drawn to you by a dark, unknown and terribly strong force. And it scares me to death – knowing that I might not never be able to get out of this mess. That I’m still in love with you and I don’t know how to control it – how to stop it. The pain in my chest only grows stronger- I’m scared, worry gets stuck in my throat and I cannot breathe, but you’re not here.

 I often think about what I told you months ago – my moment of pure boldness and strength. That day I braced myself for your final answer and I let everything off my chest. That day was the day that I felt strong enough to tell you that I had never stopped thinking about you. That I never stopped loving you. You felt really foolish for not realizing it, but I never blamed you for that. My self-control and my judgement got the best of me and made me hide almost everything along the years. How could you possibly notice?

 

Maybe letting you read everything I wrote wasn’t the best decision, but I did it in the hopes of letting everything out, of telling you all the things I couldn’t say out loud. I was hoping that maybe all those words could trigger something inside you. What exactly? I don’t know…

 Or do I?

 

Now my soul is burning…since my heart had burned down in flames long ago.

But You’re as beautiful as ever, and it hurts. It hurts having so little time together. It hurts feeling the distance every single day as if you’ve been forcefully torn away from me that it left a scar on my skin. On my heart. My brain gets wrecked all the time from all these thoughts and feelings and it makes me dizzy and even sick, but my heart doesn’t seem to know any better.

 

But you know, sometimes I go completely crazy for you.  And it scares the hell out of me. The fact that I could shamelessly tell you all of a sudden that I'd want your hands all over my body. That you can take everything from me and not give a single damn about it. How I would love you to be in full control, and I - completely submitted. To your lusty eyes that travel down my body, to your hands that itch to touch my burning flesh, to your mind that holds all different kinds of wicked and dirty thoughts and that have invided mine as well.

 

At your mercy.

 

in body and in soul.

 

You make wanna say things I wouldn’t normally admit, not even to myself. But I quess I’m doing it anyway.

You had never noticed anything, only if said or showed otherwise, but even if you had, you probably wouldn’t have said a word. Cause things can easily go down in seconds, and it’s too dangerous. We both know that. More than that, you know how much I would hate and blame myself for reckless actions which can never be undone. How much I would cry and regret because I can’t accept that part of me that wants to have it all. That darkness swirling in my veins that wants to take over and never make me think twice. It’s like losing a battle in which I want to both win and surrender at the same time…and it just won’t work that way.

 

 

But deep down you know just how much I would like you to lose control. Shut the world down till there’s only the two of us and let the sounds coming out of my mouth drive you insane. Kiss me hard and deep then shush me with a content smirk. Let our bodies talk. Make me yours. Eyes shut tight, out of breath, but still the sight of you hovers patronizingly over me and your scent fills my lungs completely. The temperature rises dangerously, our bodies melting into eachother. The fear, the guilt, the overthinking vanish into thin air, long-forgotten. You clutch onto me like never before, my heart wants out my chest. I’m lost into the moment that’s both marked on my body and my soul. You hold me close, I close my eyes. Is this a dream? If it is, don’t wake me up. Let me sleep forever in the safest place I’ve always yearned for, - your arms.   

 

 

Why…?

Why am I dreaming about you?

Because it was meant for me to love you.

 

Why did I fall in love so hard without noticing?

Because I wasn’t aware of who I’ve met.

 

Why do I keep on crying?

Because I couldn’t accept happiness, but I’ve been letting darkness and solitude into my soul.

 

Why don’t I want to die anymore?

Because I must protect you.

 

 

 

 

 

Reality toys with my heart again though, but I'm trying to keep my composure. I tell myself that this will be over soon, even if the end is nowhere to be seen. My mind's messed up, my heart's all over the place. I miss you, I want you and I regret not being what you want. It feels as if I'm leaving in a dream, the hope just won't ing fade away. It has its roots deep down in my chest and it hurts too much when I pull them. I'm sick, and you're my cure. I'm insane, and you're the reason I'm this way. You're my poison, my drug, my deepest darkest addiction. It's grown inside of me to massive proportions, out of control. Years passed and you got into my veins, and now it feels way too late to take back everything and start fresh. I always tell myself that I've gone crazy.

 

 

 

 

 

Love, I'm a fool for you. And as much as it hurts, I don't regret any of it.

Where will tomorrow take us?