Tiring. That’s how you’d describe the last few years of your life. Although you don’t wanna give up, sometimes all the power is gone and you wanna sit down for a minute and relax. You ask yourself what have you done wrong to deserve all this, again and again, but there is no answer whatsoever.

Never.

Words go through your head all the time, but you cannot seem to be able to write them down. You always end up rambling stupid stuff that no one wants to hear. But what do they want to hear after all?

None of what you have to say.

As much as you wanted to start fresh and leave everything behind, present only feels like an extension of your shattered past. Of your shattered self. You may have picked yourself up from the ground, but you still don’t know how to put the pieces back together. The procces is incomplete since you always seem to let things unfinished, open, hanging. Just like your wounds. You never got to close them. They’re all open and bleeding.

Dark thoughts are picking at your mind, turning you into a puppet once again.  A lost little doll, moving on its own, without actually paying attention. Easily swept away, manipulated, screwed over so many times. You had often thought that in your weakest moments, you were strong. But in reality, you were just weak.

However, the fire burning inside your heart only gets hotter and hotter, stronger and stronger. You don’t know how to stop it. Better said, you don’t even wanna stop it. But it burns painfully from your throat right down to your core. It hurts to know they don’t want you to have what you want, as if that’s their decision to make. Although it isn’t. They’re not protecting you, they’re protecting themselves.

It is simply unfair, don’t you think? Answer me. There’s no need for foolish behaviour, reckless actions or threats. You’re better than that. Cause soon the pressure on your shoulders will completely crush you. And you don’t know if you’ll be able to stand up again.

The answer is really simple, I know. I should stop suppressing myself because of others. They think I’m wrong, they think I’m crazy, lost and confused.

It hurts so much, but they can’t understand that…

The longing in my chest stands to explode, and even if the truth is right in front of my eyes, I’m denying it because of them. I’m denying myself the truth, and it’s becoming harder to accept it. I’m losing my head, my mind, my sanity, I’m losing everything.

Because I’m chaining myself with my own hands.