憧れ : 우동환 / YEOREUM'S FIRST AND ONLY
trigger warning - mentions of self-harm
< 憧れ / WOO DONGHWAN >
to the person who became the stars in my sky:
we'd just finished watching a movie that you raved about nonstop and i just smiled because you were always the most beautiful to me when you were too excited about something. we had romy between us, you had your head tucked between my neck and shoulder, and in that moment everything in this wreckage of a world seemed to fit together perfectly.
and then you asked me what it would be like if the world suddenly ended one day.
well, cho yeoreum, i have an answer to that now.
< / face 01 > 임재범 got7
< / face 02 > 이석민 svt
< / prsnlty >
WITHIN THIS CRUMBLING HOUSE
imprudent, ambitious, pretentious, emotional bowel problems, acerbic
ESTP / CHAOTIC GOOD
benevolent, charismatic, perceptive, dauntless, imaginative
I UTTER YOUR NAME LIKE A PRAYER
"woo donghwan, you're pretty incredible. you pretty much have nothing good to say to anyone, you're a pretentious , and you drive a beat up motorcycle! i get why the other girls fall for your charms and your dumb bad-boy image, but how could yeoum of all people fall for a person like you?"
"don't ask me, i'm just as clueless as you are."
for woo donghwan, everything is in the moment, the little details, the journey rather than the end. action fulfills him more than words so he never stops running, even when he doesn't know why. but beyond everything, he genuinely wants to do more for the world, wants to contribute, wants to be bigger than the confines of the small city he lives in. he makes it so easy to forget that he's actually a good guy, though. he suffers from a superior complex and thinks that his opinions are of greater value than other high school students his age because he's read two or three books on philosophy, or keeps up with current sociopolitical issues. and it's hard to tell when he's being genuinely haughty and when he's just trolling because his entire existence seems to comprise of making girls (and boys alike) blush, or if not, outsmarting them to the point where they feel dumb for even talking to him. he never means any harm, just finds a kick in having the intimidation factor.
he dreams of grandeur but forgets to see the grander picture, forgets to step back and look at what he's done beyond his line of sight. for woo donghwan, everything is in the moment, so he always does what seems right to him without further thought. but what he is good at is coming up with more solutions if the first one didn't work. to him, out of the 1000 things he'll throw at the world, at least one will work. why not just sit down and work it out rather than going for the first thing that pops up in his mind? only god knows. his other problem is realizing that beyond his own world there are factors that will contribute to an outcome. he is not the sole reason something does not work, and neither is he the sole reason something does work. the world does not revolve around you, woo donghwan.
but at least he isn't completely trapped in his own self. for woo donghwan, everything is in the little details. if something minute about a person has changed, he will pick it up immediately. he generally knows when people are upset, and knows what makes them happy and what makes them tick enough to be a source of comfort for them. he sees when they want to do something, but needs that extra push for them to go on, so he gives that push without them even realizing. "donghwan sounds like a jackass and is basically a jackass but that guy just knows, man." but for some reason he doesn't know what to do when it comes to his own emotions. he's too emotionally invested, or never enough. too jealous, too nonchalant, too sensitive, too distant. when one doesn't work, he tries the other. he doesn't seem to understand that there is in fact a middle ground. by consequence he's also bad at dealing with his own emotional problems, often choosing to avoid them and focus on his present responsibilities. in the relationship, it had often been yeoreum confronting him and rarely the other way around.
at least for woo donghwan, everything is in the journey rather than the end. so despite his lofty goals and general problematic personality, he still has a side to him that wants to genuinely enjoy the trip. one may say he's a daredevil, but he'd rather say that he's not afraid to take a few steps outside of his comfort zone—this also means that it's not that out of the question that he can become a better person, maybe if he's given the right motivation. so go on, woo donghwan, set the world ablaze. i'm sure you can find some way of extinguishing it later.
"yeoum-ah, why do you like that woo donghwan so much?"
"well, he's...he's surprisingly nice! he usually knows when i'm not feeling well and he's good at making me happy. he's so driven about making the world better, you know he's planning on organizing a student protest against the current president? yeah, he makes fun of everyone all the time and he never takes responsibility for his mistakes but i always nag about that so i think he's starting to change for the better. and that's the best thing about him. he's willing to change for the better, and i think he makes me a better person too."
< / trivias >
BCKGRND donghwan was born and raised in suwon to a formidable lawyer couple. they moved to yeogu during donghwan's last year in middle school. having such a strong parental presence in his life meant that he also had big shoes to fill, but he didn't mind, because the conversations he'd have around the table were more interesting to him than any sunday morning tv show he'd ever watched.
GDGUYDH he helps out at the local soup kitchen when he has time, and he also volunteers at the animal shelter where he'd adopted romy. yeoreum tags along whenever he goes, not that he minds in the least.
FRSTKISS his first kiss was not in fact yeoreum. it was a girl back in his old middle school, han hyosun, who was technically his first girlfriend but it was only for five days so really does it count. they're just friends now, yeoreum knows this and she makes jokes alluding to han hyosun all the time, but he never knows when she's actually uncomfortable with it, especially when her name flashes on his phone screen and yeoreum is there to see it.
MTRCYCLE he drives a second-hand motorcycle. his parents roll his eyes whenever they hear him revv up in the driveway, but he loves his baby to the moon and back.
UNVRSTY after high school, he's aiming for one of the SKY unis with a double major: politics and international relations.
MRNINGRIDE sometimes yeoreum would randomly ask him to drive her around time at 5 in the morning because it calms her down. he's made it kind of a habit to wake up at that time and have a drive around by himself, especially after her death.
STDNTCNCIL to the surprise of everyone else in the school, he'd signed up for student council and passed simply because his candidate speech was so entertaining and despite how crude he was, he did make several good points. during meetings, he sits in the back and usually plays devil's advocate to the current student president partly because he hates how uptight everyone is and he thinks they should branch out to new ideas once in a while (also he just likes being an ).
PLTICS he is a devout liberal. takes after his dad. he reads up on current events and is always up to date about what's happening in the blue house in addition to other governments of the world.
UNVRSTY after high school, he's aiming for one of the SKY unis with a double major: politics and international relations.
MRNINGRIDE sometimes yeoreum would randomly ask him to drive her around time at 5 in the morning because it calms her down. he's made it kind of a habit to wake up at that time and have a drive around by himself, especially after her death.
STDNTCNCIL to the surprise of everyone else in the school, he'd signed up for student council and passed simply because his candidate speech was so entertaining and despite how crude he was, he did make several good points. during meetings, he sits in the back and usually plays devil's advocate to the current student president partly because he hates how uptight everyone is and he thinks they should branch out to new ideas once in a while (also he just likes being an ).
PLTICS he is a devout liberal. takes after his dad. he reads up on current events and is always up to date about what's happening in the blue house in addition to other governments of the world.
LVESTRY this is how yeoreum and donghwan first became friends: she lived on his route back home, so instead of making her walk (he said it's because he would never let a woman walk home alone, but really he just thought she was pretty and most importantly pretty interesting), he gave her a ride on his motorcycle. on days where the weather was particularly nice, sometimes they walked together, and had intriguing conversations to get to know each other in addition to getting to know how they viewed the world. it was through these rides home and the conversations between them that donghwan eventually became closer to yeoreum and developed feelings for her.
< / cnnctns >
초여름 / THE ONE AND ONLY (박선영 fx)
i.
1st year of high school, last day of school. donghwan's waiting after school by the gates, waiting for a familiar grinning face to appear within the crowd.
"romy-appa!"
he rolls his eyes at the inane nickname before saluting. cho yeoreum breaks free from the throng of students hugging and bidding farewells.
"you ready to go?" he says, throwing her the spare helmet. it's technically her helmet now, considering the amount of decorating she'd done on it already.
"give me a sec, i need to say bye to some friends--"
"you'll literally see them again next year," he retorts, "let's go!"
yeoreum glares at him, looking more like a defensive puppy than anything, "i'm sorry i have actual friends, oppa. give me a sec."
he thinks he should be offended, but really he doesn't mind. the rest of his gang is somewhere in town already, and he doesn't really give a about anyone else at school, except for yeoreum of course.
"cho yeoreum!"
yeoreum turns around, huffing, "what!" she's starting to bite her nails now. . he sniffs and scratches the back of his head.
"just...just hurry up. i wanted to...to treat you to ice cream. and movies."
she blinks twice before realizing the implication of his words, and then laughs, "is that how you ask out girls, udongie?"
regardless of the jibe, he knows he'd succeeded, because when he looks into her eyes, they're saying i can't believe it took you this long, but yes, of course, yes.
ii.
his phone rings at 2 am in the morning. he's somewhere in the limbo of awake and asleep, but within the haze he hears the soft whimpers come from the other end of the line.
he's immediately pulled from the reality of his dreams.
"yeoreum-ah. what happened?"
"what am i doing, oppa, i don't know what i'm doing," she's mumbling, voice muffled but also echoed and he hears water dripping in the distance. he hopes it's water.
"w-what? yeoreum-ah," he's upright now, throwing on a hoodie and grabbing the motorcycle keys from his desk, "cho yeoreum, please don't--please don't do anything stupid. do i need to call someone? to call an ambulance? please, for the love of god--"
"i can't, donghwan-ah, i'm hurting," she sounds almost drunk, and he feels his heart breaking, "i'm sorry i'm being really stupid right now, so sorry, don't call anyone--"
he finally realizes. fashion statement? bull. he should've known how she would flinch whenever he'd touch her wrist. should've known. he didn't know anything. god, even after trying so hard, he's still fallen short.
"yeoreum, i'm coming," he says, tip-toeing out the door of his house, "you stay on the line with me okay. drop whatever it is you have in your hands, and j-just keep talking to me. please."
"okay. okay," she's breathing more regularly now, like she'd snapped out of a trance, "please don't forget to wear your helmet."
donghwan almost cries, "god you really--i won't, cho yeoreum, i have it on right now. i'm coming with ice cream and movies, we'll patch you up, and we'll have a 3am netflix and chill session. does that sound okay?"
"okay oppa."
the rest of the phone call is silent, with intervals of him checking up on her throughout his motorcycle ride. he hops in her bedroom window, tries not to flinch when he cleans her cuts and puts bandages over them, and hopes that whatever he's doing will be enough.
he can't bring himself to think that it won't ever be enough.
iii.
"hey, can i sit with you guys instead? yeoum and udong are being gross again."
"donghwan hates being weird and romantic, what are you talking about?"
"okay well, we were having lunch, the three of us because no one was out of class yet, and then they did the thing. you know, where they just stare at each other from across the table super intensely and all lovey dovey. it was gross and uncomfortable so i left."
"i bet they were secretly talking about some inside joke that they have, but with like their eyes. at least they have the decency not to talk about them out loud anymore, like they used to. or maybe it was about that giant stain on your shirt."
"yeah, did anyone ever figure out that one joke about the dog and the telephone pole--oh , wtf, i actually have a stain on my shirt--"
iv.
they make a fort in donghwan's bedroom, complete with their favorite combination of ice cream and movies for when they're done. it takes 5 hours because both have their own blueprints and this comes with arguing about what the best fort would be like. donghwan eventually relents and lets yeoreum do what she wants.
"see, look it even has a door!" she's beaming now, and donghwan's happy he lost this battle because he missed that smile, "now let's get inside, i want to hang fairy lights."
they end up getting tangled in them instead after donghwan's attempts to steal kisses lead to something a little heavier. make-out session with the stars, donghwan jokes. yeoreum kicks him and laughs.
"are you feeling better?" donghwan asks tentatively. he's walking on eggshells but he decides he'd just ask rather than try to decipher how she's feeling because lately he can never tell.
"a bit," she says, rolling into a blanket like a burrito, "thanks for staying here with me. i'm sorry you had to ditch your friends."
"cho yeoreum, you know i'd choose you every time."
yeoreum pops out her face from the cocoon she'd created herself, "even when i'm old and wrinkly and you have to change my adult diapers?"
donghwan makes a face. the human burrito makes a disapproving noise. "i guess i can make a compromise."
"good. we'll be old and wrinkly together. and then i'll totally beat you at wheelchair racing. and as punishment i'll make you eat all the ty oatmeal they serve old people."
he scoffs, "please, i'm a motorcyclist. i'm king of the roads, i'll be king of the nursing house hallways. i'll whoop your wrinkly ."
yeoreum laughs. she's silent for a while before she says quietly, "i love you, donghwan. please don't forget that."
the sincere statement was comforting and loving, and he feels as though they'll be okay. she'll be okay, and her sadness will disappear soon. he'll let her make as many forts as she wants, let her kick him as much as he wants so that she will get better.
and it's out of his character to be so naive but he likes the image of them growing old together, chasing each other in wheelchairs, picking out white sweet peas in a garden so that he could put them in her graying hair. and then she can sing for him, his favorite song, and he can fall asleep peacefully in her arms.
"you know i love you too, cho yeoreum."
한효선 (or an applicant) / THE SUBSTITUTE (강슬기 rv)
"she was close and she held me very tightly
hyosun and donghwan were old flames originating from his old school in suwon. donghwan likes to joke that their "relationship" had occurred in a separate lifetime because it was so weird that they would have ever gotten together. the two were virtually the same person: big dreams, big thoughts, big shoes to fill. donghwan could have easily called hyosun his platonic soulmate.
he doesn't know what he's looking for in her, but every time they come close to crossing a line, he recoils. he knows that yeoreum, even after death, yeoreum still has his heart. but in his confusion and frustration and grief, hyosun was there with open arms, and he thinks for a second, it's okay for him to be a little selfish.
(but you've always been a little selfish haven't you, donghwan? it's like you'd already forgotten. a year with yeoreum and you can't figure it out but she's different, more grayscaled somehow. it frustrates you that she never knows what she wants, that you don't know how to make it better. so you go to hyosun for advice, for comfort, like you always do. instead of a phone call, this time you meet with her at a park, a 2 hour bus ride into town. after you vent, hyosun looks at you strangely, mistakes your intentions for something else and what was meant as a friendly meeting turns into something rather clandestine. you repeat to yourself that you didn't know she felt that way.
her kiss lingers on your lips but it burns slightly. you run to the bus stop, run to your girlfriend, your girlfriend donghwan you have a ing girlfriend and she is the best thing that has happened to you you ing son of a and you take her into your arms. she doesn't need to know. she will never know.)
< / reaction to the "incident" >
he wakes up to bright lights, white ceiling, and something that smells like antiseptic. it takes a few minutes but he remembers what happened. the roadtrip. the car on the wrong lane, or were we on the wrong lane? glass everywhere. airbag was suffocating. yeoreum. yeoreum.
he gets up and pulls the iv from his wrist, it stings a bit but the adrenaline within him is enough to numb the pain that he should feel. there's cuts on his face and he'd fractured one rib. but that doesn't matter, because he needs to see yeoreum, needs to make sure she's okay.
when he steps into the hallway, he sees the roadtrip crew. yeoreum's friends, and they match him in appearance: unkempt, stitched up, white hospital gown. the difference is the bloodshot eyes, and he's immediately alerted. why were they crying what happened why do they look like someone di--
no.
"udongie..." one of them starts, slightly more calm than the others. some are still crying, others stare into space, one is pulling at the doctor's robes, pleading, trying to bargain.
he glides towards the door, hands shaking, everything's shaking, everything's wrong. one of them, donghwan recognizes him as the one who's closest to yeoreum, stands in front of the door, tears still running down his cheeks.
"get the out of my way," donghwan grits, "or i swear to god--i swear to ing god--"
"you'll what?" the friend says hysterically, "what will you do? you can't bring her back, she's gone. ing surprise, not even you can fix this, woo donghwan."
she's gone she's gone she's gone
" off, what would you know," he says, pushing him to the side. the broken way the boy looks at donghwan makes him feel like there's more to the situation than what he perceived, but he swallows the guilt down before opening the door.
even when he sees her lying there, like she's peacefully sleeping, even when he sees the flat-line on the ecg, he still can't bring himself to believe that what his eyes are seeing is real. so he walks over to her bedside, kisses her shakily on her forehead, and retreats back to his bedroom.
he hasn't cried that much in a long time.
that's not how you make a fort, udongie
good, we'll grow old and wrinkly together
i'm hurting, donghwan
i'm hurting
i'm hurting
i love you, please don't forget that.
< / how are they after "the incident" >
"you have to understand that...that for someone who thought he knew the person he loved—and still loves—better than he knew himself, losing them knowing that it didn't have to ing happen is something so...so incomprehensible and unbelievably painful. and it's even worse knowing there was something i could have done."
( i. "ing stop this nonsense, donghwan!" it's yeoreum's best friend yelling at him now. she'd thrown something at his head earlier, a crumpled ball of paper or a shoe maybe, but he'd been too busy looking down at his book to realize. he's read the first sentence over and over and it still doesn't make sense. nothing seems to make sense anymore.
"stop pretending that everything's ing okay, like it didn't happen, or like you're not even remotely affected by it," she's livid, hot tears running down her cheeks, "yeoreum is dead, and she's never coming back—"
"don't you think i ing know that?" he explodes, red-faced and fuming, "don't you think i'm living every single day of my life thinking about why she, out of all of us, had to be the one to go? i think about how she won't ever get to be a famous singer like she wanted. i think about how it can't be possible that she'll never tell me another stupid joke, or how i can never properly tell her how much i love her ever again."
the anger dissipates into grief. he's crying now, knees on the ground like he's praying for a miracle that would never come. "so just please let me pretend that the accident never happened and the first thing i'll see when i wake up tomorrow morning is her smile. because i won't know what to do otherwise." )
"i think about yeoreum more than i don't. it's...it's hard not to. god i just—i just hope she knew how ing much we loved her."
"at some point, i'll accept this. that yeoreum's gone. and i know i'm selfish for waiting for something that clearly won't happen. but until then, i'm holding on to every memory of her for dear life."
< / what were they doing before it happened >
"we'd just gotten in the car after doing a pit-stop. and--god, i can't ing believe it. the last conversation i had with her was a ing argument. some stupid argument about who should drive and i held my stance because she was getting tired and it was starting to get dark. but she was being so goddamn stubborn so i relented. if that wasn't the biggest mistake i'd made in my life, i don't know what is."
"i sat in the front as compromise, and at some point in the ride she just looked so blank, like she wasn't even aware we were in a moving car on the road. i made her look at me and i apologized to her for being so stubborn earlier, and she looked surprised because i'm usually never the first one to apologize. if i would've known what would happened, i would have apologized for everything. but she just smiled at me, turned her head back to the road. i said, 'let's talk at the next pit stop,' she just smiled."
"after 10 to 15 minutes, she looked up at the rear-view mirror and everyone was startled because she was ing crying and no one knew why. i asked her what was wrong, and the other kids were worried too, but instead of replying she just said 'i'm sorry.'"
"why the hell was she sorry. i want to know. out of all of us she had no right to be apologetic because we were the ones who were wrong. we couldn't protect her. until the end, we failed to ing protect her.
nothing was ever going to be enough."
( ii. he doesn't understand. he thought it was getting better. he thought she was finally beginning to smile, really genuinely smile again and not just that god-awful facsimile of one because she didn't want anyone else to worry. the scars were just beginning to heal.
clearly there was so much he didn't know. so many other scars he didn't know was there. he doesn't ing understand why he didn't realize this, doesn't understand why he wouldn't when he sometimes held the knife. and sometimes he doesn't know how much of his grief is sadness and longing and how much of it is guilt.
at night, he sits in a pile of the clothes she'd left at his house, wallows in his own remorse despite however many times everyone's convinced him it wasn't his fault, it wasn't in his power to do anything, it was just an accident.
he knew better.
and in the morning, he puts a smile on his face and acts like the last solid structure standing when everything around him, everything that yeoreum once touched, is falling apart. )
< / commnts >
donghwan in a nutshell - he's based loosely off of the "jackass with a heart of gold" trope, a well-meaning boyfriend who tries to be less ty to yeoreum basically his entire life. yeoreum means the world to him, but after her death he forgets to see the bigger and more important picture and makes it all about him and his guilt rather than respecting her death and letting her go. (btw i didn't write much about the downsides of their relationship, so i'll leave it up to you to decipher how either of them could have ed up [other than the obvious donghwan having done the dumb thing], maybe yeoreum doesn't think it's that great of a relationship/he's not a v good bf hahah)
ngl as i was writing this i thought about the horror anime another because of how adamant he is on keeping yeoreum's spirit alive (and at some point it comes true yikes) and honestly speaking, i think many of the other characters are in such a state as well hahaha. halloween special idea whoop!!!
i tried to make him realistic but sometimes that means me trying too hard to make the character flawed so do tell me if he's a bit too ed up or if he's just hard to understand in general D: i basically went and wrote a novella for each of the sections ahahha so i apologize that you had to read all that but i just got so much inspiration to write and yep here we are. i hope the angst was successful, even a little bit....?
well regardless i'm so so so excited to see how the story will play out and slice-of-life stories like this are always such a pleasure to read. thank you so much for giving me the opportunity to create this character, and for creating such a beautiful story!!!!! xxx
< / questns > not at the minute! :)
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