Okay, hi whoever is reading this. I haven't written a blog for a long time and I guess I should write one in 2016 since it's a new year and I hope things would turn out great.

Anyway~ I would like to be in a relationship this year but at the same time I do not want to. Hahahaha xD 

So I had a crush on this guy, believe it or not I was the first one to introduce myself to him because he was new to college. I was there already for a year and I like to be open to the new kids who just came (it was during September), my second semester tho. I did not want anyone to feel shy, so I was just basically there, like, volunteering to tour the new kids around the compound. 

We met in the library, he was the same age as mine and I didn't find any interest because on that day, I was super busy with my assignments and my old friends who were in high school with me wanted to see me. But I had to decline and entered back in the library because I actually had a study group with my great classmates -- great friends that I get to be friends with within my first years in college. 

When I went to them, there were 3 guys whom I couldn't recognised but one of them I knew because he was a former classmate with one of my friends. As soon as I back with them, one of my friends said "Soojae! (let's just use that name for me xD) we made a new BFF!!" she was cheering and he actually smiled at me. I smiled back and said, "That's cool, I want one too."

"Yeah, let's be all BFFs!" she cheered. We were crazy that time cause our assignment doom date was due next week and we just had lots of fun and basically wasted our time doing absolutely nonsense. I sat down on my chair and continued watching a movie on my laptop, yes, I was watching movie on my laptop the entire time right after class was over instead of doing my assignments. After that, I couldn't be bothered with anything and my group is usually noisy because there were a lot of us and I was used to it. You can say that we are one weird friends xD

 So, this guy... let's call him Daehyun because he looks really like Daehyun I swear!! He was left as his 2 other friends  had to go home. Me and my two other friends were left too and others had to go home. So obviously there were 4 of  us. One of my friend kept talking to him and tried helping him with his assignment hence it was his first week, still  new and I wanted to make friends. I actually seen him a few times but I never knew we could be friends. I paused my  movie and I said I had to go to the toilet, but the thing was... I did went to the toilet but then I went out and  bought myself a can of coffee, finished it right away and went back to them. 

 Just then, my friend said, "What is this? When Soojae was out, Daehyun talked a lot. When she came back in, he  became super quiet. I sensed something," she pointed fingers. 

Let me tell you about my friend, let us call her Pink because she loves to wear pink sometimes LOL. I know she will be reading this (HI <3)

Whenever she thinks about someone liking someone, she is always right and no one could blame her. She is quick and Daehyun is quick too. So I just blend in and , it was a joke at first.

Then Pink had to leave too, to go home. Everyone went home so early. Now it was down to the 3 of us. And my friend who was still with me, let's call her Minseo, she and I were just one our laptops and joking around. Daehyun was sitting in front of me, busy occupying himself with his work.

At the same time I felt bad cause I knew his other classmates were outside and some were sitting around the library. I wanted him to join them so it wouldn't be awkward to him -- to be with Minseo and I cause we just stare at out laptops but behind our screen, we were just thinking how would he reunite with his classmates. 

But after a few minutes, it kind of died down a little so I asked him some questions on what is his thought about being in college for the first time, how old is he and more embarrassing questions. He just shyly answered me the whole time. At that moment, I find it cute. 

When we all went home, my hear told me that I want it to happen again. The study group. Eventhough we weren't in the same class, I want to meet him again. 

Okay skip to a few weeks later, I was a bit bummed out because we didn't get to have the excat same study group like what we did the first time. It was like the universe didn't want us to be together in one area or something, I found it frustrating. So me and Minseo were in our college's cafe and we sat at our usual spot and waited for some of our other friends to come as they were busy going ballistic with their assignments. 

I knew that Daehyun was sitting a table next to us, I pretened to not see him because I was THAT shy to even see him. I DON'T KNOW WHY, I WAS JUST SHY. Then I saw the cafe selling ice cream and I just stared at the poster, figuring out which flavor is the best currently. Then his friends stood up and they were about to go somewhere, they didn't have any classes at the moment so I'm guess they were just there to hang out. 

Back to me, I still stared at the poster and he passed by it while looking at me. I accidentally looked at him and he waved happily at me, I waved back and bit my lower lip out of habit. I would always bite my lower lip whenever I feel shy or embrarrassed. Yeah, for the past few weeks, we would only say hi by waving at each other. He would always be the one who say hi and of course, I say hi back. 

That was then the last time he said hi ever again.

I notice it whenever we pass by each other, he wouldn't even look at me. I already developed feelings for him, real feelings that I haven't felt since the 8th grade. At the same time, I think it was because of me... cause I don't normally pay attention to my surroundings that much to the point where he thought I was avoiding him or something. But really, if you were my friend in real life, I just couldn't be bothered looking anywhere but my direction of destination to where I should be going instead of stopping and saying hi to someone and asking if their cat was still alive and well.

So all I did was to go with the flow in life lol

Then one day, I met up with my best friend since little, let's call her Jinri. She has been with me ever since, but she changed a lot and recently and honestly... I never considered her as my "Best Friend" because of what she did to me millions of times. But she calls me "Best Friends" all the time. 

Anyway, if you knew her like I do. You would just want to ignore her, no matter how many times you'd advise her with a lot of things and help her with the mistakes she did -- she never listens and is very denial. So what I did 3 years ago when we were in the same class is to not be friends with her and why would I keep up with her when she is just very denial. Well, enough about her. I just grew tired at her and now recently, I just don't care anymore.

I told her about my liking to Daehyun since he was her classmate. She was surprised and would want to help me, like by giving information on his whereabouts and all. And so, it was fine by me. 

A few weeks later, one of my good friends too, who is classmates with Jinri and Daehyun. She liked Daehyun. Of course I was hurt, because I knew one day she would like him because of how she acted and the way she told me. That was when I decided to just forget about Daehyun.

Everything we did was just indirect, call me crazy but we never talked ever since the last wave he did when I was craving for ice cream.

The twist? 

Daehyun never liked her, he started ignoring her and never talked to her when he found out she liked him. His reason was, they don't know each other, she was the type of girl whos noisy, they were classmates and he didn't want any awkwardness but she did all the things he hated. 

My friends actually said to me I had a chance to talk to him again. Because they were the ones who noticed that he wanted to talk to me ever since too. But everything was like a big ball of blury fog.

I didn't want to listen to them cause so many things were happening at once, but I had to listen anyway cause they were always right and I hate them for it! -___-

They kept on saying that he had feelings for me too, that was the reason why he is too shy to talk to me nowadays and he knew I like him. That was like the worst thing for girls, when your crush knows you like them without you knowing. But I kept denying xD 

So, back to Jinri. Every time I have a crush, she would ruined things for me. Me and my crush. That was when I didn't want to like anyone, but I actually don't care when I was in college cause I had freedom from her. I predicted that will happen when she was in the picture.

So it actually happened *inserts sarcastic laugh*

She kept on texting me about Daehyun. It was just all about him, Daehyun, Daehyun, Daehyun. To the point where I don't give a single damn cause you know why? What's the point, if she likes him, go ahead~ I really don't care, have him instead. He's not even mine to begin with lol

Her style was different, I know that some would think that she was giving me info about him or something but she's different. She would say to make me jealous and feel irritated because Daehyun is her classmate and they see each other everyday. I really don't care. Even though inside me is hurting real bad, but I let my outer Soojae take the best of me. I bottle up feelings and tend to throw them out to the ocean. 

I didn't give up, I let go.

Then I stopped texting or even talking to her about crushes or personal stuff. Sometimes we do talk but about school work only.

Daehyun and I were like strangers from the beginning. No eye contact. No voice being heard. No smile. No wave. No nothing.

It really hurt. 

That was when during the holidays,  I went on a one month vacation and my hair was really long -- almost below my chest area. I went in to my favorite salon and told them to just cut my hair. I took the challenge.

It became really short and I had a new hairstyle and everything. I looked different. I had no contact with my friends or anyone who I know during that month.

When school re-opened. He didn't recognised me at first, I knew he was staring but he wasn't quiet sure. When I talked, that was when he realised. 

I was in the library to pick up my books I once left there to borrow when it was re-opened, he was standing beside me also picking up some books. He was looking at me, waiting to say hi again for the first time. 

Lucky Minseo was beside me, she saw the whole thing. But I never looked at him.

My feelings for him is mixed and confusing. I don't know what to say or whatever.

But whenever I see him around the compound, my heart beats fast and I have butterflies in my stomach like it was the first time all over again.

Yet again, we became complete strangers. Now Jinri... she is just hanging out with him and his friends all the time. Constantly rubbing on my face that she is always with him to the point where I told her "I Don't Care"

On January 2016... I looked at him for once and he looked back. We didn't smile but we had a moment there, call me crazy but that was what we both saw.

So yeah, thanks for reading and how emotionally this was. Just thought writing it on a blog just felt good :3

This was just a long story short kind of thing ;)

Jung Soojae~ (06012016)