first off, let's start with a background song...since i'm listening to this right now:

may is coming

nothing change

no surprises

no miracles

no-thing...

but may is coming...

what's so special bout may?

nothing.

nothing except it reminds me of my fic written n first posted on May 12 last year...(no i didn't check to come up with the date...i only checked afterwards, and yeah i got it right xD...my memory for unimportant things can be strangely strong...pretty cool huh? lol)

Love Song in May

what's so special bout it?

nothing.

lol.

it's just a fic that i feel taught me a lot of things on so many levels and contexts directly or indirectly...so it's special. of course. it also led to many continuations and a new fanfic writing concept for me which satisfy my craving for novelty(i didn't even know i crave for it until i did more unnecessary waste-of-time self reflection on that aspect) even in living experiences as a writer-wannabe. my only regrets? well, there are many to say just 'only'....but i think...the most is...not being strong enough to carry it till December at least...cuz c'mon, that's my month...lol...i should at least have a December character first before stopping...tsk. sad thing is...i didn't even thought of a specific December character..and i already had clear vision of January character(cuz the best has to come last yaknow...lol), even April character actually lol n even the title for April's story, heck the worst is...i already wrote chapters for the final part of the story...the ending...yet seems i won't ever post it unless i magically find the drive to write all the in-between stories....i planned way too early without the drive to really go thru it all to the end....anyway...of course, May and June guys have special place for me bcuz they exist before the story was made to be a long one(well, originally there's just May guy...but June guy came pretty close after)...when it was just a burst of emotions/reaction over socio-cultural observation n a sort of pat in the back to people in her shoes and also to my future self who would be in her place if i decide to not get acquainted with anyone, not exactly hope for a perfect guy or two or more, but just hope to hang in there n held ur head up high...but of course, it's much more comforting to give the heroine a guy or two or more n make it more fairy tale since that's something that won't happen in real life, thus...it'll be a comforting reminder to not be hung up on fiction bcuz it's so impossible to be reincarnated in real life. Even that, for me is a way to comfort. Though i still like to keep believe in possibilities. Of anything and everything. it keeps your soul alive doesn't it? The lack of possibilities makes your mind very tightly confined and i can't stand that stuffiness. i don't like to believe in one thing(other than religious stance)...but i'd rather believe in the possibility of anything and everything. Except when it involves the society/other people having control over you be it work/school/etc that has their hierarchy...i'll keep hopes down for possibilities, knowing how predictable and confined the choices of majority often are. Proof(well, not really proof but if statement can substantiate), what i guess with my skeptic mind is almost always proven later on in reality, and whenever i watch movies/dramas/read any random novels, i just need to watch one lil opening scene to tell the whole thing n i'd mostly get about 90% correct at least. At least that kinda confirm about the accepted idea and creativity of majority of people in the mainstream industry n that counts as some sort of society representatives.

it's boring. bcuz that's how the majority out there rolls.

try be different than their expectations and see yourself crushed to dusts. worthless.

people always say in ads n movies, telling you to be different, be yourselves blabla...but that's not how the world works. even their 'be different/yourself' has a specific standard/format...huh...

well, back to the fic...

May guy symbolizes hopes and possibilities and mystery/excitement.

June guy symbolizes hopes and comfort and goodness.

Both symbolizes hopes. though through their respective stereotype natures.

July girl also symbolizes hopes and positivity and friendship.

August girl symbolizes degradation, downfall, loss of hopes.

September girl symbolizes reflection and perspectives, and new beginning/hopes.

October guy...oh well...i stopped there...so idk...xD

Maybe i'm in such great need of hopes i can't get anywhere and i get them through these people, they gave me strength...isn't it pathetic i can't find it from people or even myself but my characters gave them to me(well, granted i created them in however way they turned out duh...)...comforting words can't comfort me, i seek for genuineness more than anything n i'm very suspicious n skeptic to believe words easily if there's no proof of the worth of the words. while following my own traits, i hurt people along the way, i try to comfort myself that at least they can rely on me to be genuine, but it's not like i am not aware that, not everyone seek for harsh genuineness...different people have different desires n expectations. just bcuz i prioritize genuineness doesn't justify me being mean to others with different expectations. i never like to avoid blames if i deserve it. but it's not like i'm willing to change n pretend/be someone i'm not to avoid making mistakes. i always act impulsively according to my heart and then live with the consequences of making mistakes, regrets are inevitable. but i've made peace with my own flaws, as much as i feel apologetic to others for my own problematic ways.

 

^ this song is just beautiful

 

Dreams. i think writing also allowed me to dream a lil more than i already do.

But dreams aren't something i'm brave/courageous enough to strive to make come true...you'll never know until you try...but what about having to face the fear of seeing with your own eyes that your dream can't come true? keep those motivational textbook speeches bcuz i can come up with them myself...but life taught me things different than what a thousand books would tell...so please don't. Dreams are beautiful...and i rather them remain beautiful than seeing them be hurt and ripped off. To those who manage to make your dreams come true, well congrats to you...but you can't judge a person by another person's standard. We're not manufactured dolls. We're different individuals different experiences, limitations and everything.

Well, maybe some day, i'll find a courage to try make at least some dreams come true...but that'd have to start with very basic realistic ones...

i don't know if i have any. lol.

Why would i dream of something unless dream is the only thing i can afford?

But hopes don't die.

Hopes keep dreams alive.

Possibilities too.

Well, hopes can also hurt you...i keep everything low bcuz getting hurt over it is just tiring...it really is.

wow...i'm such a whiner...tsktsk...

Hmm, i kinda wish i have a July girl of my own now...lol. she's the most positive person i know ever...lol. i mean, character, but i'd say her character was inspired by a very positive spirited celebrity too.

 

Well, nothing much to say again...i just like writing pointless blogposts with some so-called depths. Exploring your own thoughts can be freeing in some ways...even if merely temporarily...

Anything note-worthy or informational now will be posted in my own blog instead....aff blog is just for blabbering pointless self centered things to annoy you...haahaa....:p....

and my youtube also has lotsa updates...yeass...i have to spazz it out here, that omg...my Battle boys are still alive n doing the things they love n keep fighting...Chris actually performed medley of Crash, Malhae n also Step by Step in one of his shows..well, acoustic jazzy versions of them...they're beautiful but as usual the boys were so embarrassed-_-...but the fans were so awesome they even rapped for him during Crash n i just got emotional bcuz this fandom is fking awesome n i'm just so damn proud of them...n not just Hwichan went as his guest(Hwichan sang a song and also duet together with him) but Ryu n Kihyun were present too...there were pictures...i might post in my blog later or not...Ryu is still doing what he loves...stage acting...n Hiwchannie still sings as good as ever n looks like he got a Chinese drama role(so damn freaking proud of him for working his way up from the bottom all by himself, actually i'm proud of all of them)...can't share the vids of Chris' Battle songs' covers cuz the person didn't post it up on youtube, n i know this person has youtube account so i had asked for her/him to upload...but we'll see i guess...if no response in weeks or month...maybe i'll post it instead....;p /not confirmed but Chris might...might be releasing album...indie album sometime this year....that's what i conclude from his tweet or it could be more shows but there's album hashtag...so...i'm not sure if his music style resonate with my preference but so far, his songs have been fabulous/...it's amazing i can love them this long n this much without ever really watching/downloading their shows like mpick other than live performances...but now that i'm starting to download their old show...i feel like i'd fall in love all over again...cheesy...but i can't help it if my boys n their loyal fanbase are just so prideworthy can i? :p

meanwhile...

i wait n wait for any comebacks to make me excited again but none came.

oh...Jungmin is releasing an album again(no complaints)...this time a SS501-remakes for 10th anniversary...which reminds me i've been into kpop for 10 years too(though not exactly 10 years of SS501)...songlist can be found in my blog n if you want to order thru me you can go there too...but seriously...this won't be the last before his enlistment soon...this is the greatness of being your own agency, producing your own albums n having control of everything...you can release as many albums as you want/can, do whatever music you want even when it's not trendy, n just yeah...as long as he keep doing his thing...not afraid of being not-in-trend....i remain to hav much respect for him...(i'm still annoyed that there'll be some kid group named Romeo...but oh well, i guess overlapping name can help people to find a different Romeo's song by accident n maybe be unintentional fan haa...positive thinking....)

and

/spoiler/

kevkwang is alive...:p

which resulted in....part 10 of kevkwang vid...seriously...doth any of your ZE:A otp has that? :p /bragbrag/ though i might be retiring from this couplevid thingy with this or idk...maybe...it just saddens me that of all my otps of my various fav groups i've never made a vid of kiryu...n nobody had done that either...who knows...;)

 

^ beautiful....one of the songs that can make me gloomy n cry boohoo...doesn't help that Vincent Van Gogh is the first/only artist that really captured my interest when i was first exposed to a slew of artworks and artists through a game when i was younger...n Van Gogh's piece that was included there isn't even something i'd swoon over...it was...A Wheatfield with Cypresses he had many more pretty paintings methinks n other artists in the game i played had more striking pieces too...but somehow...maybe it's the plainness of this one just left a mark that made me remember it, n him. sometimes while listening i felt how wonderful it'd be to have this kinda beautiful song made for me...sure he was a mentally sick guy n never really appreciated in his lifetime much like many stories of famous ppl we hear...but for me it's just impossible...in fact, for the way i lived my life, i wonder if there'd even be one person who'd be sad let alone pray for me after i die...(well, other than my mom/sis)...or would they hear the news, and dismiss it a couple seconds later, it's not like i really bother to build relationship with people any deeper than what needed to get by the day...if any...

i think this is the main reason everyone wants to get married and have children, that fear...i've heard stories of people who lived their life alone, but did kindness to other unrelated kids...even going out of their way to ensure the kids got the best education n enjoyment n everything ...not hoping for anything in return other than sending them some prayers when they die...sadly...the people they did so much kindness for n lived lavishly couldn't even give some basic care n shelter when the person got old, sick n alone cuz 'not family'...such thing disgusts me to no end...but that's life, that's human...you never know what lies in them, sometimes what you see as common sense, doesn't make sense to them....what can you do really?

i don't mind being alone, i'd rather that instead of making acquaintances just for the sake of it...but i worry if when my mindset changes it would be too late cuz you know, we don't always remain stagnant in all aspects(maybe in some/many, we do, but not all)...maybe bcuz there are many people around me who are alone as well now...there's a sense of comfort...but until when? they're not by my side bcuz they're by my side, they're there bcuz there's nobody by their side...that's just human nature...

 

Contradictions.

There are tons of that. if you browse in here, you'll see people/reviewers/graphicshops/commenters complaint when writers write their characters/plots/or even tags with contradictions....people talk down those things...so far, i try not to get in the discussion cuz haha...well. i try to keep my mind open and ponder of diverse possibilities but decided to not decide anything about it...but today as i was walking back home...i thought of it again....of how the walks passing through the bunch of people at the night market on the way home, gives me a stuffy tiring feeling yet invigorating. now isn't that a contradiction...? i thought back of a lot of things i've felt n went through...and i realized my life is filled with contradictions...so, why is contradiction often perceived as lack of depth/knowledge/whatever in fiction writing? Why can't a tragedy be comedic at the same time? that's how it often is in life....well, at least mine. When i wrote 천년가도 (Even If A Thousand Years Pass) and was putting tags...i put in tragicromance bcuz that's what the main idea/theme/goal of the story is, doesn't necessarily mean it'll be reflected in the journey...and as i go through the chapters...the events the conversations n stuffs, feel more like a comedy...a lil absurd in fact. but does it make me confused? does it make it NOT tragicromance? life is not monochromatic. why are we expected to be monochromatic in writing, in expressing, in creativity?

Why?

you know how i always complaint about idiocy? does it automatically mean i think i'm smart? lol i think i'm the dumbest of them all. how is that possible? maybe bcuz i embrace possibilities of contradictions n absurdity so i don't find it strange. methink assuming isn't very wise, if in doubt, ask. not assume and spread it.

don't understand? that'd be better actually.

 

Random n i've been whining on this like forever but hey, i'm not tired of it so why not...

a lil on fandoms....am i the only one who's fking annoyed seeing that whenever there's anything positive, all the praises are channeled to the idols but when it's negative all blames are chanelled to company? make up your mind. if the company have enough power to control everything that leads to negative of your oppars/unnirs...then the company could also be the one behind all the positive thing oppar/unnir did...you can't be that innocent to think oppar/unnir do everything good out of their own heart n do everything bad cuz they're forced to, do you? if so...then why when they do anything negative company gets the blame? vice versa.

i'm just done with this selective credit/discredit. it's extremely biased and pure stupidity.

 

May.

also the month i started two other of my precious fics.

Bukan Sendirian(translated as Not Alone) my first Malay fic here, nothing fantabulous about it....just story of some school kids and their struggles alone, and how a little companionship change their whole gloomy world...n i'm pretty darn proud of it...bcuz 1. it uses idols nobody care about as main characters. and bcuz in Malay tag, you know if you go for unpopular/unknown idol...chances are nobody would bother...just make me more prideful haa(for what?) 2. i realize my Malay language ability is pretty good(despite a lil awkward/rusty since conversational and literary vocabs/expression can be vastly different n i barely use the literary one)....lol. well, definitely better than my English....that much i can say. and it's not really prideworthy, it should be better than English or i'd be an embarrassment to myself. 

and another is...Floral Rain. Wow...i had no idea this fic with 'spring themed' title was actually born in Spring as well(well, in Korea, since there's no spring or any season here boohoo). Floral Rain. This fic is special to me. Maybe bcuz everytime i reread it(while being lazy to correct the grammatical mistakes found-_-) i felt like it wasn't something i wrote n yet i wrote it. it was a fic i couldn't have written without feeling no matter how much ideas. bcuz it doesn't even have much plotline, actions or whatever...it's just about life, and love, from the perspective of a person n his feelings. i don't think i can write the same thing twice if i try. ideas can be replicate, but not feelings. and everytime i want to feel guilty for writing ''...i'll be remembered by Kevin's view of his love here, and i figure i should respect it....his uality doesn't matter cuz in the end, he loves the person he loves, n not according to gender. it doesn't affect his gender preference, bcuz he only loves one person through n through. he wouldn't know how it work with others, and he don't intend to find out. cuz at the end of the day, he only love one person.

me and my unrealistic view and expectation of love.

this is why i don't even want to hope for love. with my perspective n expectations, hoping/expecting to find it would be...a suicide. lol.

 

 

What else?

lol.

i'm really trying to cram as many words as i can in one post.

sorry if you read this mashup of randomness till the end...i actually wrote this for days when i'm bored n inspired to write something randomly....hence the randomness that kept piling up...

i almost not publish this again as i did many times...cuz as usual...it's embarrassing...whenever i start writing long, it's embarrassing...

but it doesn't hurt i guess, just words, opinions, thoughts, doesn't cost me anything(other than some embarrassment n maybe perception)...though it doth make me uncomfortable sharing thoughts with those who don't share theirs with me...but hey, it's personal choice not like i can force people....as for my own...if i never spill whatever thoughts i have....they'll remain worthless, buried with me when i leave the world cuz it's not like i'm anybody...i'm just a nobody, ...not like it's not worthless right now...but at least it's spoken...and that's freeing. to the world you can remain a nobody no matter what, but to yourself, you deserve to at least treat yourself as the most relevant person cuz why not? ain't nobody gonna do that for 'ya(well, not for all but yeah) who knows...maybe tomorrow or the day after....i'll change n be a different person...at least i would be able to see my thoughts of today...however silly they might sound in the future...

Besides...May is coming...

Other than that there's nothing.

Maybe i still hope for something.

For just anything...

that could change everything...

ok quit the lameness...

cuz May is coming...

Wait...May is already here.

What is so special bout May? ugh...idk...May guy <3? wait no...December is more special...

Oh...i know...it's public holiday here today....woot.

alrite...i'm tired blabbering aimlessly...