Quite recently i've been thinking of writing again...

in fact no, it wasn't just thinking...

i even wrote almost a whole chapter...for two different fics...

one was supposed to be a oneshot/sequel sort of to a oneshot or chaptered fic i've written before...btw, i mentioned oneshot and chaptered fic...and yeah both were related, the chaptered fic was sequel to the oneshot....which made this new oneshot i wrote seemed odd to be another sequel....i thought of making it as one of the chapter instead...but yknow...pacing for oneshot and chaptered fic are so different...even though even my oneshot felt slow paced or rather uneventful with just two strangers having conversation while waiting for taxi in the dark, the sequel chaptered fic was set up even slower with a bit more events to make it more slow burn sort of lol...so...idk how this random 'oneshot' i wrote while having inspiration could fit in the fic....it felt like it wouldn't fit(even if the plot is like parallel continuation of the earlier oneshot)....so i end up with not knowing what to do with it...and how to end it...because naturally it'd end differently if it's oneshot as opposed to being a chapter. it's a shame it'd end up nowhere just because i couldn't decide.

another fic i almost wrote a chapter....was a new one...featuring a male idol and a female idol i've never written about ever, and as much as i got excited for this new venture because of how much they had won me over in the past couple of years...i was quite nervous because i don't have the confidence to write of the female idol's any other groupmates since i'm just not familiar enough with her group...and it's not kpop group so i'm even more lacking in confidence...i just like the female idol. the problem is...i like making my characters as themselves,and then mix up fiction and reality...that's just my go to usually lol. and of course i know i won't have readers for my character/idol choices....but i guess that's never a big concern for me...if everyone write about the same few popular names how boring and lacking of variety the place would be...so even if there's high possibility of no reader...at least i have me, my biggest fan...lol. i guess the biggest concern was...this fic was written after i watched one of the performance of the female idol...and thought, why not make a fic out of the song...but how much can i stretch idea from one song/perf to be made a fic? (especially since the song sounded like it had shallow/uncomfortable lyrics that i can't really get behind) though...some of my long fics were also inspired solely by a song...like Floral Rain which was inspired by a song with same title from TETE (try it guys, especially this version, it's just magical...well, TETE's music is like if music has romance genre, his music depicts it perfectly)...and i managed to stretch it...although the ending might not have been the best i could(back then i was obsessed with depressing ending i guess, but it still haunt me, at the same time...it's because i was staying true to the feeling the song left me with that i insist on not making it a 'happy ending' traditionally...but a different kind of 'happy' ending...the thing is...when i first got struck to write something inspired by the song, the ending was what came to me first...so...) i also wrote More Than Words after a cover from A'ST1 i totally loved, and recently i reread it....while it's so random/experimentalish and not a fic everyone would understand easily...i have to say, shameless as it sound, it might be one of my personal best fic...it's just...my style ><...and though it's still incomplete i also manage to stretch idea from a song into 천년가도 (Even If A Thousand Years Pass), my first ever poem fic...aka my most experimental fic ever...courtesy of inspiration from the duet song/perf from my fav duo/ship in the group that also naturally became the main characters...and my inspiration/(too large to handle)ambition to make a monthly series all started with this song/or you may listen to the live perf if the recorded was a bit too slow for your taste, gotta love me some live band....some of my personal best oneshots were also fully inspired by songs...like Bukan Sendirian(malay fic) was inspired by Not Alone and My Bandmate's Wedding Singer inspired by this particular performance he did at a wedding(just not his bandmate's lol...i still wonder why the heck he sang a song about separation/longing at a wedding lmao...i sure hope it's the groom's/bride's request cuz otherwise yikes...)

To be fair....most of my fics were inspired by songs....some just had the inspiration more deeply ingrained than others...so if i am to give examples the list would be endless...maybe i just want to promote the songs...go listen to them yall, i left links for a reason....lol.

Also, i'm usually too lazy to watch dramas...even those that have my favs...it's difficult to feel motivated...but out of boredom and the immense hype of this bl drama semantic error...i decided to give it a try and see how good it is...while it's just a regular romance...nothing out of ordinary....it's easy and pleasant enough to watch even though the tall popular guy annoyed me at first with how he just harassed the short robotic/nerd...and knowing they'll become couple...but it's not bad...he got better later on n their chemistry was believable(even a line one of them said reminded me of a line in Floral Rain),..anyone knows old-ish hindi movie Mann...yeah that one traumatized me, to think that we're supposed to see it as romantic...when he's just harassing her continuously until they became a couple....like...

ok but...what i want to say it....it kinda made me want to write again...for the nth time....i have so many things i want to write....it annoyed me that when i had no time, i could write endlessly...just had to sacrifice sleep, but when i have more time to spare....i just couldn't seem to start writing.

i wondered if i should attempt a 'happier' floral rain. but i feel like the major characteristic the fic had was in the loneliness of the characters and the pain of longing.

when i think of the pair...i don't know if i ever write a truly happy ending for them. maybe because their real life dynamic that often felt like...something that's obviously there but also, not. idk how to explain...but cmon...i even have 10 long compilations to prove that this ship exist...but just...yeah...it's hard to explain...maybe i like harsh endings so that when reality hit me, i won't feel too disappointed....probably my most tame/attempt at 'happier' ending was with Begin & End With Kiss which was also inspired by song with similar name. and even then, the ending was still not an exactly happy one....and my goodness rereading this was hard because it's sooooo cringeyyyyy T^T....

ok now idk why i started this post...

oh right...i've been thinking of writing for the nth time...

Also...because i've been listening to some songs that makes me feel like they deserve to have fics dedicated to them like this song (love the poetic lyrics, especially the structure in the Korean lyrics...as much as i tried to capture it with the translation...i'm sure it's even more beautifully poetic in its original form) and this one (this is major calling for another pensive tragic romance vibes)

except this time i did write...but at a deadend on whether or not to post them....and now that a couple weeks has past....feels like i've calmed down and might not even post them....

i feel like i just don't have as much courage and determination i used to have even if i still have the interest and ideas.

anyway, since you've read this much....check out some of the links...xD