WARNING: A long cluster of letters below. You have been warned.

For those who knows me, they know me as a hardcore SONE. Now I'm not entirely sure. That's why I want to hear the thoughts of you people. Anything. Be it just a word or a glob of letters. Anything. I just really want someone to talk to, make me realize something, anything. To open up to and I know that I could that to people here in AFF.

Now this has been bugging me for the past days. I'm a SONE and I think I'm still am. (I think?) For four years, I'm a SONE. I always go gaga over SNSD, even over a pic or a simple name of theirs (trust me) but during the past days, I just felt nothing. I'm not even sure if I still get excited over them, like involuntary excitement or the kind where your mind shuts down and all you want to do is just go gaga. I feel like I'm forcing myself or something like that just to keep my sanity. Just to keep myself from troubling my own mind from questions such as: Am I still a SONE? Why am I like this? I just feel like I was not the same SONE that I was back when I'd just started.

Everything feels so distant right now, like they're not the ones from before, like I'm not the one from before. I don't even know why. Maybe because of stress, been busy with my thesis, or the news regarding Jessica or I'm just growing out of the things that I used to love back then but I can't entirely say that I don't care nor that I don't love them (actually I'm not sure if I still love them the way I did but it's not like I can just abandon them). I guess it's just that I miss myself from my younger years, that I miss the old Girls' Generation, that I'm too weak to accept important things. Sometimes I wonder where I get the determination from my earlier posts about TaeNy, my past comments about OT9 remaining as 9 because honestly, I feel dead inside. You know like the feeling that even if you want to feel happiness but you just can't no matter what you do? I keep feeling that. I even want to feel pain just so I can feel anything. Anything. I feel so desperate to experience what I experienced back then. The hope, the pride, the happiness.

Now, I wonder if I would get excited if SNSD made a comeback. I know that I still care but I wonder if my care took the form of a fan that supported them for four years or the form of someone who just plainly cares. Like I cared because I have to, not I want to. I even have problems writing. There's just no...I don't even know what it's called but I know I don't have it, not anymore and I want it back. It made me feel alive. Now I just feel, dead. Numb. Cold. Empty.

It's so easy to put '^ ^' ':)' 'XD' and other symbols to show you're happy about something but it's difficult to feel the same thing that you're writing. I know because I live like that. 

Help? Someone?

Sorry for the long post...uhmm...potato? Oh and I just want to say Happy Birthday to my favorite HyoTae writer! Have a huge potato ^^ (<- uhmm...that was real though because I always feel happy, even a little, when it comes to birthdays)