"You're not seriously going..."

Hakyeon was busy searching Google for survivalist tips and recommended supplies.  He stayed silent as his fingernails furiously tapped against the keyboard.

"Hakyeon!"

Taekwoon's raised voice made Hakyeon pull himself away from the computer long enough to arch his head back towards him. 

 "Yes I'm going!"

He quickly turned back to the computer to research, enthralled with the various knot tying techniques he felt he needed to master before tomorrow.  

Taekwoon folded his arms and rested his back against the door of their bedroom.  He knew that Hakyeon felt a responsibility as the leader to accept any and all television offers.  Hakyeon said over and over again that he would do whatever it took to increase VIXX's exposure.  Usually Taekwoon would simply shake his head at Hakyeon and let him do whatever he wanted.  He didn't like arguing with his leader, especially since he knew how stubborn he could be.  But this, this was different.  Hakyeon could actually get hurt.  He had barely recovered from falling during practice when he had sprained two of his fingers.  Taekwoon had told him to rest for  few days, but he said that Ryeowook needed him to co-host, that he needed him by his side.  Taekwoon knew the pain he felt during the Sukira radio program last week, but he never let the audience see him wince once as he curled his fingers around the microphone, smiling and laughing through the entire program.  Now he was going off to the jungle and Taekwoon was scared what injuries Hakyeon would fight through this time.  

And then there was Jackson...he came with a whole other set of worries.  Hakyeon was practically screaming his name out loud when he found out that Jackson had been cast as well.  "Big Byung United!" he had squealed as he attempted to high five Taekwoon.  Taekwoon had rolled his eyes and let Hakyeon swat at the air. 

 "United?"  Taekwoon had replied.  "You guys go out at least once a week!"  

"I know but now I'll get to see him every day!  I'm so excited!"  

The thought of Jackson following Hakyeon around like a puppy made Taekwoon cringe.  He wasn't blind to the lingering stares and touches on and off camera. Hakyeon could be so oblivious.

He walked over to to Hakyeon, grabbing his shoulders and spinning him around to face him.  Hakyeon let out a gasp. Taekwoon placed Hakyeon's hand in his palm.  "You shouldn't even be typing, let alone running off to the jungle with your hand like this."

Hakyeon pulled his hand away from Taekwoon.  "I'm fine. I told you. They barely throb anymore."

Taekwoon frowned.  He had a hard time believing him.  "I'm fine" was his favorite phrase these days when he was anything but.  

"Why don't I believe you?" Taekwoon said as he narrowed his eyes, trying to read his leader.  

Hakyeon turned away from his stare.  "Stop looking at me like that it.  You have no idea how intense your gaze is."

Taekwoon tapped two fingers against Hakyeon's cheek, forcing him to face him again.  "It's only intense because you are lying Hakyeon."

"Well I'm good enough alright?"

"I knew it."

"Yes yes you are Taekwoon, the pillar of honesty.  Thank you for showing me the error of my ways."  Hakyeon rolled his eyes before turning back around to continue his research.  

"Hakyeon..."

Hakyeon raised a finger in the air to silence him.  "I'm reading."

Now Taekwoon was furious.  "Are you going because of Jackson?"

Hakyeon lowered his hand and sighed before getting up from his chair.  "No of course not.  Yeah I'm glad he's coming, but you know why I'm doing this...it's for VIXX.  It's always for VIXX."

"Just be careful out there."

"Taekwoon, why do you think I'm doing all this research? I'm know I'm probably not as self-sufficient as Hyuk but I know I can do this."

"I guess you're right...but that's not all I was referring to..."  Taekwoon shifted his gaze slightly away from the older, surprised at himself for having the guts to even bring it up.

Hakyeon arched his eyebrow before folding his arms over his chest. "Are you talking about what I think you are talking about?"

"I might be."

"What exactly do you think is going to happen between Jackson and me?"

"I don't know.  I just know what could happen and I want you to be careful."

"Taekwoon you know it's not like that between us."

Taekwoon scoffed.  "Yeah well maybe in your eyes it's not.  Do you not see the way Jackson looks at you?"

"Jackson?  You can't be serious?  He just looks up to me is all."

"Um no.  It's not hero worship, it's puppy love.  It's disgusting."

"Oh please Taekwoon. Even if what you were saying is true-and it's not-why would you even care?"

Taekwoon whole body tensed against the door frame.  He couldn't remember how he ended up on the other side of the room again.  He knew he had said too much. It would only be a matter of time before Hakyeon found out his secret.  He had managed to keep his feelings in check for years now, how could he let it all go at this moment when he had been so careful?

"I don't really.  You just need to be careful of VIXX's image.  A 'bromance' or whatever is fine, but you don't want to take it too far.  You don't want to cross that line."

Hakyeon frowned as he lowered his head.  Taekwoon instantly regretted his words.  Taekwoon had been the only one Hakyeon had trusted to keep his secret.  Not even the rest of the band knew he was gay. 

Hakyeon looked back up to Taekwoon, his face a little pale.  "No you are right Taekwoon.  I forget myself sometimes. I'll try to keep some distance between Jackson and me.  I wouldn't want to tarnish our image."

Taekwoon walked over to Hakyeon and put his hands on his slumped shoulders.  "I'm sorry Hakyeon.  I didn't mean to upset you."

Hakyeon waived his hand.  "No it's fine.  You're right...as usual."

Taekwoon squeezed Hakyeon's shoulders, causing Hakyeon to jerk forward a bit. Taekwoon realized he was being selfish, acting like a jealous boyfriend. He had to remind himself that Hakyeon didn't belong to him.  "No I'm not right.  If...if you really care about him...I don't want to stop you."

Hakyeon wrinkled his forehead and slightly cocked his head to the side.  "Taekwoon...I thought I made myself clear.  I don't like Jackson that way.  And what now you're suddenly okay with it?  A few seconds ago..."

Taekwoon's gaze shifted to his hands, which he only now realized were clutching Hakyeon shoulders too tight.  He released them and let his hands rest at his sides.  "I-I want you to be happy Hakyeon."

Hakyeon smiled.  "I am happy Taekwoon."

"Oh."  The conversation was becoming dangerous. "Well good...now shut that computer off and go to bed already!"  

Hakyeon slapped his shoulder playfully.  "So grumpy."

Taekwoon flinched at the touch.  Hakyeon raised his hands up in defeat.  "Alright alright I'm going to bed."

Taekwoon blinked as he saw Hakyeon pull his sweatpants down, revealing his red boxer briefs.  Thank God he had the decency to leave his black t-shirt on.  "You are going to pack actual pajamas right?"

Hakyeon smirked before crawling under the covers.  He wrapped his arms around his chest, pretending to cover up his clothed body.  "Jung Taekwoon, are you questioning my modesty?"  He gave him a wink before breaking out into laughter.  Taekwoon lowered his head, his whole body shaking with quiet laughter.  He lifted his head realizing he had been caught smiling.  He made eye contact with Hakyeon long enough to become uncomfortable.  He bit his lip and turned his head.  

"Ahh Taekwoon don't look away.  I love when you smile!"

Hakyeon's comment only made matters worst.  He covered his face with his hands until he could regain composure.  Nothing Hakyeon ever did was particularly funny, so he didn't know why he was the only one that could make him laugh.  Sometimes he hated him for it.  He always forced him to show more emotions than he preferred, and the present was no exception.  

"Oh quit being embarrassed!  You look too damn cute!"  Hakyeon shouted as he threw his pillow across the room, aiming for Taekwoon's head but instead hitting his leg.  

"Ya!"  Taekwoon screamed as he picked up the pillow and ran towards his leader.  He jumped on top of Hakyeon and smacked his head with the pillow.  "Stop making fun of me!"

"Never!"  Hakyeon said as he pulled the pillow down, bringing Taekwoon down with it.  Taekwoon was so close to Hakyeon, he could feel his staggered breaths against his lips.  Taekwoon looked back and forth, from his eyes to his mouth, trying to read his face.  Before he could make up his mind Hakyeon shoved the pillow back up into his face.  

As Taekwoon gasped for breath, Hakyeon pulled him down beside him.  Hakyeon rolled over to face him as Taekwoon clutched his chest, struggling to regain consciousness.  Hakyeon pressed his body up against Taekwoon's side, laying his arm across his panting chest.  He nuzzled his head right above his shoulder. "Don't worry..."  Hakyeon's sigh tickled Taekwoon's neck, "I'll miss you too."

Taekwoon remained still until Hakyeon fell asleep on his shoulder.  It was normal for Hakyeon to be cuddly, but he rarely let Taekwoon sleep with him in the same bed.  Taekwoon was usually grateful for that because he wasn't sure how he would have been able to keep his hands to himself all these years.  Hakyeon had told him he would respect his space, at least when they were sleeping.  It was a rule he broke only a few times in the past.  

The first time was when they were trainees.  He practiced day and night for months perfecting a routine he had choreographed.  He had secretly hoped to be a choreographer as well as a singer and dancer. However, when he performed his dance for his CEO, he only shook his head, telling him his choreography was amateur and frankly a little too feminine.  Hakyeon was so embarrassed, but he maintained his strong leader image throughout the lecture, never letting one tear escape.  It wasn't until he came back to the dorm that evening that he broke down.  Taekwoon hadn't been able to sleep that night, waiting for him to come back home. Hakyeon wasn't one to run off by himself. He had called Hongbin to see if he had stayed late practicing with him, but Hongbin had told him he wasn't there.  Panic gripped his chest once he knew he was out there somewhere, alone in the middle of the night.  

Hakyeon had talked about his routine for weeks. He had been so proud of himself.  Taekwoon knew his performance must have gone badly. If it had gone well, he would have rushed back to the dorms to brag to everyone about it first.  Taekwoon had slipped his shoes on and was standing in front of the door ready to search for his leader when Hakyeon crashed through the door and onto Taekwoon.  

"Taekwoon..." he cried into his chest, hands wrapped around his waist.  Taekwoon pulled him in closer to his tall frame, cradling his small frame in his arms.  He his hair and just let him cry.  Hakyeon had crawled into bed with him and Taekwoon held him until he cried himself to sleep.  Of course Taekwoon knew he was crying for more than just being insulted by their CEO.  He had been scared, like Taekwoon, that he would never debut, and this was just another failure to add to his doubts.  This was only a few months before they were told they were going to compete to debut on MyDol.  

Now he was in his arms again, but this time he wasn't crying and he didn't need comfort.  It was only because he would miss him. Taekwoon let himself go for only a moment, placing a soft kiss on his forehead.  He turned his head back against the pillow and held Hakyeon's hand against his chest before finally falling asleep.  

                                                                                **************************************************************

Taekwoon finished buttoning up his white and salmon printed shirt as he heard the crowd cheering from outside the dressing room.  He checked his phone one more time, but there were no new messages.  Hakyeon would have normally spammed his phone with bare faced selfies by now.  He was so proud of his no-make-up face.  Taekwoon admitted he liked him that way the best too.  He slammed his phone down as he tried to pull it together.  He spread his arms out, twisting his waist from side to side, trying desperately to calm his nerves.  He wasn't used to performing without Hakyeon. His absence was obviously felt by more than just him. Taekwoon glanced around the room at s pacing back and forth, also trying to shake their nerves.

"V-I-X-X!" the crowd shouted as they lined up behind the stage entrance.  They stood in a circle as their hands stacked on top of each other, their paler skin tones blending together, a darker shade missing from the circle. They hesitated for a moment before chanting "VIXX Fighting!"  

Taekwoon gulped before walking out first.  The lights blinded him momentarily but his eyes quickly adjusted and he waived to the cheering crowd.  VIXX would try their best to perform, even if they knew they were missing one very important piece of the puzzle.  

The members hurriedly got into their opening position for "Error."  Taekwoon reached his hand out for Hakyeons arm, only to grasp the empty space in front of him.  

                                                                                 **************************************************************

It had been long flight back.  Taekwoon wanted nothing more than to flop onto his bed and sleep away the next two days until Hakyeon would come back home, but he knew his schedule wouldn't allow that.  He should be grateful, he supposed, to have the distraction.  Instead of lying down on his own bed, he found himself staring at Hakyeon's empty bed, the crimson red comforter folded neatly, crisp white sheets tightly tucked into the corners of the mattress.  He wanted to pull the comforter down and yank the sheets from the mattress.  Maybe he could trick his mind into thinking Hakyeon had been there the past few days.

He set his bag down and crawled under Hakyeon's covers still fully clothed.  He knew if one of s caught him in the act he would be exposed.  But Taekwoon didn't seem to care anymore.  He breathed in Hakyeon's scent as he pressed his cheek against his pillow.  It still smelled like his vanilla mint shampoo. He always teased Hakyeon, telling him he smelled like a girl, but secretly he love it.  He rolled onto his back and bent his arms behind his neck, using the ceiling as a projector for his memories.  He remembered the second time Hakyeon had asked him to slip under his covers.  They had both stared up at the ceiling just like this. 

"Taekwoon."

"Hmm?"

"You know my ideal type is Seohyun right?"

Taekwoon had frowned at the mention of Hakyeon's self professed "Angel."  If he had to hear her name one more time..."Yeah."

"She's my ideal type Taekwoon."

Taekwoon gritted his teeth.  "You already said that...like two seconds ago."

"Yeah I know.  I'm sorry.  This is just hard for me to say.  She's supposed to be my ideal type.  She's perfect.  She's everything I want, or thought I wanted."

"Okay so you have a different ideal type now?"

"No that's not...ugh this is hard.   I just realized that besides admiration I don't feel anything for her, at least not the way I'm supposed to.  I want to read books with her, discuss our favorite authors, but I don't want to kiss her.  I can't imagine being intimate with her."

"Oh."  What was Hakyeon trying to say?  Taekwoon was getting lost.

"Taekwoon."  Hakyeon shifted closer, turning his head towards him.  "I've thought about this for a while now.  I don't think I can feel that way about any woman."

"Oh..."  Taekwoon swallowed.  "So what are you saying?"

"I'm gay Taekwoon."  Hakyeon let out a deep breath as if he had been holding it in for years.  "I've never told anyone that before." 

"I see."

"Taek!  Is that all you have to say to me?  I just bared my soul and all you can say is 'I see'?"  

Taekwoon's flushed crimson.  What the hell was he supposed to say?  Yeah me too and by the way I'm in love with you?"

"I'm sorry.  Thank you for telling me Hakyeon."

Hakyeon shifted closer to him, laying his head on his chest.  Taekwoon shivered.  "You don't think it's...weird do you?"  Hakyeon drew circles on his stomach.  "I hope you don't feel awkward around me now.  I don't think I could lose you as a friend."

Never.  "I won't feel any more awkward than usual."

"Ya!"  Hakyeon yelled as he kicked Taekwoon's leg.  Taekwoon rifled through Hakyeon's red hair and pulled him up closer so his head was resting under his chin.  They stayed like that until the morning.

                                                                                      **************************************************************

Two days later Taekwoon found himself pacing their bedroom floor.  He hadn't received one text or call since Hakyeon left.  He glanced at his phone.  It was 11:30 PM already.  He knew he would be home tonight but he wasn't sure what time.  They had to leave for Orlando the next morning and he still wasn't home yet.  

After pacing for a few more moments his body flinched as he heard the sound of the door close.  He jerked his head towards his bedroom door and pushed his sweaty hands in his pajama bottoms, gripping the fabric tightly.  He couldn't be responsible for what his hands would do once Hakyeon walked into the room.  

The door opened at a torturously slow pace before Hakyeon appeared with his bare sun kissed face and silver hair parted down the middle, only slightly disheveled. He pulled his suitcase in and quietly shut the door, careful not to wake the other members.  After he pulled the door he leaned back against the door frame.  He looked exhausted.  "Well you were right."

"What?  Are you hurt?  Hakyeon I told you to be careful!"

"Jackson confessed to me."

Taekwoon pulled at the fabric of his pajama pockets. He was close to ripping right through his pockets at this point.  "And..."

"And I had to turn him down, gently of course.  I think he'll be okay though."

"Oh" Taekwoon said, pulling his hand out of his pockets and resting them to his side.  

"I missed you."  Hakyeon said, still leaning against the door.  

"I missed you too Hakyeon."  Hakyeon studied his face and grimaced.  

"Hmm you're upset with me right?"

Taekwoon didn't figure it would help to lie at this point.  "Yes."

"I'm sorry.  I know I didn't text or call you.  I just thought maybe you'd be okay with a little break from me...and honestly I needed a little break from you too."   Hakyeon looked down to the floor, drawing circles with his foot on the carpet.  

Before he knew it, Taekwoon found himself on the other side of the room.  He stepped forward, stopping Hakyeon's foot with with his own.  "Hakyeon."

Hakyeon lifted his head up to meet Taekwoon.  "I'm sorry Taekwoon."

Taekwoon reached out for Hakyeon's formerly injured hand, it with his thumb.  "Why did you need a break from me? Did I do something wrong?"

Hakyeon grabbed his wrist with his other hand, yanking him a little closer.  "No it's all my fault Taekwoon.  I became too reliant on you, too dependent.  I know my clinginess is tiring.  I exhaust myself sometimes haha."

"Hakyeon..."  Taekwoon knew it was time.  "I've never wanted a break from you.  You aren't tiring to me...not at all."

Hakyeon shook his head.  "You don't have to lie to me to make me feel better Taekwoon."

Taekwoon released his grasp from Hakyeon's hand.  He traced his fingertips across Hakyeon's cheek.  Hakyeon looked at his fingers and then back into eyes. "Taek..."

"I am exhausted Hakyeon, but that's only because I haven't been able to stop worrying about you since you left.  I don't want a break from you.  I just want you to stay here...with me."

"I-I didn't know.  I thought I had crossed a line the night before I left.  After I kissed you that night I thought you would be uncomfortable around me so..."

Taekwoon pulled his hand down back to his side.  "Wait what?  You kissed me?  When?"

"You didn't know?  Oh God..."

"Hakyeon explain."

Hakyeon sighed before taking a deep breath.  "I woke up in the morning and you were facing me.  Your face was so close to mine I could feel your warm breath against my cheek. A strand of hair had fallen down your forehead, brushing your eyelashes.  I swept your hair out of your eye.  I should have pulled away then, but my hand lingered too long on your cheek.  You looked so beautiful Taek.  I found myself pressing my lips against yours.  I don't know what came over me.  You made a little whine before you woke up.  You had even blinked and rubbed your eyes.  I thought you knew...that's why I rushed out so fast in the morning."

Taekwoon touched his index finger to his lips.  "You kissed me?"

"Yes! God stop repeating it!  Just pretend it never happened okay?  I don't want you to feel weird around me.  I can't lose you as a friend.  I can't..." Hakyeon buried his head in his hands, pushing his back harder against the door.

Taekwoon pulled at his wrist, forcing him to remove his fingers from his face.  "Hakyeon."

"Please just..."

"I kissed you too."

"Wait what?  When?"

"The same night. It was only a kiss on the forehead though."  Taekwoon eyes fell to his lips.  Taekwoon had wanted to kiss him properly that night.  What was stopping him now?  He leaned in as Hakyeon closed his eyes.  He cupped his face in his hands and placed a gentle kiss on his soft pink lips.  He pulled away quickly so he could gauge Hakyeon's reaction.  

Hakyeon lifted his hand up to his mouth, brushing his fingertips over his freshly kissed lips.  He stood unbearably quiet for a moment before finally breaking the awkward silence with a question.  "How long have you felt this way?"

Taekwoon didn't know himself.  When was the exact moment he fell in love with him?  It certainly wasn't love at first sight. Taekwoon never subcribed to that fantasy.  He wasn't a fan of first impressions because they were rarely correct anyway. Taekwoon had never given a good first impression, seeming cold and bored, when he was just shy and quiet.  Honestly Taekwoon had found Hakyeon odd when he first observed him.  He was always talking.  He never stopped.  The only time he was silent was when he danced.  When Hakyeon danced it made Taekwoon uncomfortable.  The way he arched his eyebrow and coyly smiled before dropping to floor, extending his arms and arching his back while his hips ed forward.  Taekwoon hadn't been able to look away as his cheeks flushed.  The next day during practice he smiled at him.  Maybe that was when...

"Taekwoon?  Did you hear me?"

Taekwoon shook his head.  "I'm sorry.  I was trying to figure out the answer to your question.  I guess the answer is...as long as I can remember."

"Oh.  I never knew.  You are very good at keeping secrets Taek."

"Yes...too good I guess.  What about you?"  Taekwoon held his hands and pulled him away from the door.

"I honestly don't know.  It has probably been awhile.  I never really understood how I felt until the night before I left.  I felt sick, knowing I had to be without you for a week again.  I have been missing you a lot these days Taek.  I guess when I kissed you that was when I confirmed my feelings."

Taekwoon pulled him close against his chest.  "I want to be clear about one thing.  I don't just like you Hakyeon.  I can't even say I think I'm in love with you...because I know I am."  Scared of Hakyeon's answer, Taekwoon turned his head so Hakyeon could lay his cheek into the crook of his neck as he hugged him tightly.  Hakyeon mouthed into his neck "I love you too."

Hakyeon mouthed his way up his neck until he was peppering his jaw with kisses.  He kissed the corner of his mouth and Taekwoon turned to meet him head on, lacing his fingers though his hair as he kissed him with the passion that had burned in his chest for years.

Taekwoon felt his breath puff against his chest as Hakyeon slept in his arms.  He kissed his cheek as he rested his forehead against his temple.  He was sharing his bed for the fourth time, not because he had needed a shoulder to cry on or a friend to spill his secrets to, not even because he missed him, but because he loved him.