Namjoon Angst

Guys, I'd love some feedback on this. It’s the first angst I’ve ever written and I really hope you all like it! 

WARNING: Content may be triggering for some individuals! Read at your own discretion. 

 He wanted to scream, to disappear, to rewind time and go back to before his world was shattered. Before he had let her talk him into leaving the house. Just thinking about the events that lead up to this moment hurt, but he couldn’t stop the endlessly looping scenes that played out in his mind. 

      He was finally on break and had decided to spend his day with the person who mattered to him most, the one and only person allowed to see past the impregnable walls he had built to protect himself years before. Just the memory of her smile, her laugh, her small hands fitting perfectly in his as they walked, it all made him melt. One kiss from her soft lips was enough to make this cold, unfeeling world a vibrant wonderland of colors. Hell, to him she was so colorful she was pretty much a rainbow herself, her simple presence bringing beauty to the world.  

     He gripped her hand tightly, bring the now much paler skin to his lips as the monitor beeped, signaling her life. Tears threatened to fall from the corners of his eyes as she hung in the balance between holding on, and letting go. A weak smile came to his lips as he whispered hushed bargains to her and whatever benevolent spirit might be listening. Hoping, and praying to a god he didn’t even believe in, to keep her here by his side. 

        “Please. Please, Baby. Please don’t leave me. Don’t make me have to breathe without you… I-. Jesus… Look at me, crying like a little boy. You see what you do to me, Princess? How about this, you wake up and come home safely, and I’ll make you breakfast in bed. Anything you want. God… Please let her wake up, please. Let her come back to me…” His hands shook in hers as a tear spilled past his lashes to be absorbed by the white hospital sheets. 
“I can’t do this without you y/n. Please. I can’t lose my true love, my reason to live." 

     Before everything went to hell in a handbasket, she’d wanted to go and get ice cream, just ice cream. He’d never forgive himself for this. Never. If only he had gone by himself! If only he had left when she said it the first time… If he hadn’t picked on her just to see her cheeks turn red as she got mad… but no, he just had to be selfish like that. Why was he like that?! Why?! Why? Why… Someone here deserved to answer for their actions, someone besides y/n. She didn’t deserve this. 

       If only that hadn’t been speeding! That’s right, it was his fault, it was the moron in that piece of car, going way too fast who deserved to answer for putting the love of Namjoon’s life through this. He was the reason behind Y/n’s suffering. He was the reason she was laying here in critical condition, miles away from her family, a tube down and various machines recording her vitals as others helped her with basic life functions. Needles littered her arms among the endless tubes, transferring much-needed blood into her drained veins. 

      Namjoon’s temper was getting the best of him. He quickly released her hand walking to the other side of the room as his fist slammed into the solid wall. He fell to the floor then, sobbing as the image of a life without her hit him. It was dull, colorless even. A life without her tucked warmly into his side, his arm wrapped protectively around her waist, and her hand slid into his back pocket… It wasn’t a life worth living. Any life without her was not where he wanted to be. He laughed bitterly as he could almost hear her voice echo out soothing words. She always knew how to calm him down, always knew how to fix what was broken inside of him. She knew everything. 

    "Yah, Joonie. Violence won’t fix what’s broken. Hey, look at me. Deep breaths, that’s right. In… Out… In… Out. As long as we have each other, nothing can pull us down. Okay? Okay. I love you, you dork.” What if you didn’t have each other anymore, though? With ragged breathing and unsteady legs he made his way back to her side and pressed his warm lips to her cold, lilac-hued ones, his tears dripping onto her cheeks and rolling down them as if they were her own. His hand once again slipped into hers as he pulled away from her lips. In that moment he could have sworn, would have sworn, a soft smile crossed her face as her hand squeezed his one last time, and he could almost hear her silent words. 

   "Be strong. I love you. I’m sorry.“

      And immediately her vitals started dropping. He had barely registered the information before he was sprinting to the door, yelling, crying for help horsely. In under a minute bodies were rushing into the room past him, but they were too late and he knew it. He stood stiffly in the hallway, completely hollow.

     The machines electric cry could be heard from outside of the door as he stared in disbelief, tears rolling freely down his face as his heart broke, and her’s stopped beating. Only a cold quote resonated in his mind as he slid down the wall, begging for the Earth to swallow him whole. 

"One day, whether you are 14, 28, or 65, you will stumble upon someone who will start a fire in you that cannot die.

However, the saddest, most awful truth you will ever come to find––
is they are not always with whom we spend our lives.”
—     Beau Taplin, “The Awful Truth”