8track playlist

PART I

“Chanyeol, do you know where is Neverland?”

A small boy of no more than five looked up at the elderly man standing beside him. Blinking his red rimmed eyes, he shook his head. A bittersweet smile surfaces on the old man’s wrinkled face and he looked his grandson in the eyes. Softly, he placed a hand on top of the Chanyeol’s head and ruffled the boy’s messy locks.

“Neverland is a wonderful place where people are always happy and young.” The old man said quietly, “There is no suffering and there is no pain. It’s a place even better than heaven.”

Looking away from his grandson, the old man suppressed tears threatening to spill out of his tired eyes. He gazed up at the birds flying by and let out a shaky sigh. It was another grey day in the rainy season. Puffs of dark clouds rolled ominously across the sky that seemed to stretch into infinity.

“Is that where umma and appa went?”

Chanyeol asked his grandfather timidly and brought the old man’s wandering mind back to reality. The boy’s delicate face was turning red from holding back his tears and grievances shimmered in his innocent eyes. The old man felt his heart break a little from the strong front his young grandson was putting up. Bending down until they were faced to face, he enveloped Chanyeol into a gentle hug.

“Yes, that’s where your umma and appa went,” he answered, whispering into the boy’s hair. Little arms tightened around the old man’s neck and Chanyeol let out a quiet hiccup. Quietly, restrained tears rolled down the boy’s wind brushed cheeks and his muffled cries are lost in the crook of his grandfather’s neck. Holding Chanyeol even tighter, the old man continued to speak, his voice shaking from grief.

“They will be happy in Neverland, I am sure they will. Although we are deeply saddened by their passing, we should also be glad that they no longer have to suffer the trails of life.” The grandfather’s voice was heavy and distant, as if he was speaking the words to reassure himself as well. Pulling away from the hug, the old man gently wiped tears away from Chanyeol’s cheeks.

“Death is unavoidable and it’s part of life. It is unfortunate your umma and appa had to leave so soon, but at least there are good memories we can look back to, aren’t there?”

Chanyeol hiccupped and looked up. Blinking as more tears tumbled out of his eyes, he thought of the happy times he had with his parents. Those days under the sun, the trips to the amusement parks, and lazy afternoons of laughter in their small house; slowly the memories flashed by in his mind. His bottom lip still quivering, the boy nodded at his grandfather’s words and the old man caressed Chanyeol’s wet cheeks. 

“So let’s keep those memories of them in our heart forever. Let your umma and appa become ghosts inside of us and like this, let’s keep them alive in our hearts.”

Matching gaze with his grandfather, Chanyeol nodded again silently. The bitter smile on the elderly man’s face widened slightly before he shifted his gaze to the headstones. The boy followed suit and together, they looked upon their loved ones sleeping forever in the ground. That day, Chanyeol engraved his grandfather’s bittersweet smile permanently into his young consciousness. Mumbling to himself over and over again, the young boy sought for solace from his grandfather’s words.

Twenty years later, Chanyeol thinks of those words again; the memory of that particular day still fresh in his mind. Bending down and placing flowers on the three headstones aligned in a line, he smiles gently. It is still the same sky but the frail boy is of no longer. Life made him stronger and being forced to take over his family’s funeral business at a young age, Chanyeol has learned to truly accept and deal with death. At the age of twenty-five, he finally understands his grandfather’s words. Death is an unavoidable part of life but it does not define the end of one’s existence; loved ones will always live on in the living’s memories and thoughts.

Mumbling goodbye to his grandfather for another year, Chanyeol stands up and straightens his black suit. In the near distance, two young man of his similar age are waiting for him. The one with a mischievous grin waves while the one of puppy eyes hollers loudly at him. 

“I hope you’re enjoying Neverland, gramps,” Chanyeol whispers into the humid wind as he walks towards his adopted brothers, “We will be sure to take good care of the Neverland on earth.”

As the sun set as usual in the west, a golden veil is casted over the modest signage in front of an aged western house of two storeys. Looking up at the block characters that spelt out “Neverland Funeral Service”, the three brothers pat each other proudly on the back. Together, they shared memories of the old man, and laughed at the happier times and cried at the sad moments. Drinking the old man’s favourite alcohol and eating his favourite food, they honoured the dead and cheered to their grandfather’s new beginning elsewhere. As Chanyeol grins drunkenly at the blinking stars above, he pats his chest where his heart is beating loudly. The future is always terrifying but Chanyeol is assured because he knows his loved ones are always there with him, alive in his heart no matter how far they may have gone away to. At that comforting thought, Chanyeol drafts off to sleep, dreaming of the Neverland where people are always happy and young.

---

“Are you Mr. Doh Kyungsoo?”

“Yes, who am I speaking to?”

“This is the Seoul Police. We’re sorry for contacting you so suddenly but I am afraid I have bad news for you, Mr. Doh. Your brother Mr. Doh Kyungmin was involved in a car accident last night at 11:35P.M. and unfortunately, he did not survive.”

“… Excuse me?”

“I am really sorry for your loss. We understand that you are currently studying abroad but as his only direct blood relative, we must ask you to return to Korea and tend to the legal and other aspects of his passing.”

“…”

“Hello, Mr. Doh, are you there? Mr. Doh Kyungsoo?”

“…Kyungsoo-shi… Kyungsoo-shi!”

The young man in question snaps out of his hazy reminisces and stares blankly at the sighing lawyer sitting across from him. Rubbing his temples with one hand while flipping through the folder full of legal documents with his other, the middle aged man spares Kyungsoo a worried glance. The young man ducks his head and avoids the lawyer’s concerned gaze. Instead, he focuses his attention on the large yellow envelope labelled ‘Will’.

“What does it say?” Kyungsoo asks quietly and the lawyer also shifts his attention to the yellow envelope.

“He left everything to you, since you’re his only direct family left,” the lawyer answers dully, “He also prearranged his funeral, it seems. It’s rare but…” The lawyer flips through more of the documents and finally nods to himself, “I see. Well, I guess this makes sense.”

Kyungsoo frowns at the information: “Excuse me, Mr. Kim, I don’t understand. What do you mean my brother prearranged his funeral?”

The lawyer sighs again and looks up to meet Kyungsoo’s questioning eyes. Somewhat awkwardly, he coughs and explains. “I guess he didn’t tell you this…” Kyungsoo stares intensely at the lawyer and his hands curl slowly into fists. The lawyer looks down at the document again, avoiding the young man’s burning gaze.

“It seems like your brother was diagnosed with lung cancer prior to the accident…” the lawyer pauses and peeks at Kyungsoo. The young man’s facial expression remains emotionless but there is a storm brewing in his eyes. “It was terminal, and that is why he has written a will and prearranged his funeral. There is no detail written about the funeral arrangement in the will for privacy reasons but your name is listed as the arranger. So you need to go to the funeral parlour and speak to them. Here, this is the address. I can help you settle the rest.”

The yellow envelope slides from one side of the table to the other and Kyungsoo takes a shaky inhale. His body heaves to the beat of his heart and his mind is blank from the lawyer’s words. It is embarrassing really, to find out about your only brother’s terminal disease after he is dead and from a stranger at that too. Kyungsoo chuckles bitterly and bows his head. He wishes he could cry, but there is not even a drop of tear. The lawyer watches the dejected young man with sympathetic eyes. Silence settles in the room and the atmosphere is heavy. Finally, Kyungsoo raises his head and takes the envelope. Looking at the logo “Neverland Funeral Service” printed at the top right corner, Kyungsoo absentmindedly thanks the lawyer.

---

Standing in the middle of a residential neighbourhood, Kyungsoo studies the aged western building with whitewashed walls. The block characters of the signage are fading in colour a little and the word “funeral” stabs at the young man’s heart. Now that he is standing in front of the funeral parlour, the reality of his brother’s death becomes clearer. Like soft waves lapping sand away at the beach, sadness is gradually eating away at him, leaving Kyungsoo feeling increasingly numb and empty. At the back of his mind, he could still hear the shouts and the slap, and the monotonous beeping of the answering machine. Suddenly he is curious about the content of those voicemails his brother left for him and his stomach wrenches in regret; if only he had listened to them, would his brother still be alive? He might have found out about the sickness and came home. They could have made up and faced the worst together. The possibilities of a future no longer possible overwhelmed his mind and Kyungsoo sinks deeper into sorrow. If only, he regrets deeply as he stares unmoved at the large signage, if only.   

Suddenly, a loud crash sounds from within the building and Kyungsoo jumps a little, startled. All of his previous thoughts vanished as he stares in alert at the large set of oak doors. Kyungsoo won’t admit it out loud but he is scared of spirits. Unresolved grudges and lingering resentments, he has always feared the invisible evils lurking in the shadows that torment the human consciousness. Especially now that the mysterious noises are coming from inside a funeral parlour, where dead bodies are housed, Kyungsoo shudders and becomes more scared than usual.

The muffled noises continue, sounding vaguely like footsteps running. Then it stops abruptly. Surveying around him at the empty streets, Kyungsoo suddenly feels uneasy. The sun is setting behind him and although the neighbourhood is serene, the stillness appears more ominous than peaceful in the young man’s mind. ‘Why is a funeral parlour located in a residential neighbourhood anyway?’ he thinks to himself as fear dominates his thought process. Kyungsoo gulps and tries to remember if there is a horror movie with a similar setting. When his mind comes up with nothing but baseless paranoia, he gulps nervously again.

Despite fear stirring in his mind, Kyungsoo’s curiosity is also growing stronger and stronger. Moving forward hesitantly, he leans against the set of oak doors and listens carefully. If anyone passes by at that moment, they’d probably mistaken the fidgeting young man for an amateur robber; however there is nobody on the street. His large eyes squinting into thin lines, Kyungsoo clenches the envelope closer to his chest as he leans even closer on the door. While the noise earlier startled him, the quietness now deeply disturbed him. Part of his mind screams for him to run from this place but another part also urges him to investigate. Finally after some frantic deliberation, curiosity trumped over his fear and he places a shaky hand on the door handle. ‘What’s the worst that could happen,’ he thought in false comfort, ‘honestly, what is the worst that could happen, hm?’

Kyungsoo seems to have forgotten the phrase ‘curiosity killed the cat’.

With a decisive pull, one of the heavy oak doors swings open slowly with a dull creak. A spacious, empty hallway greets Kyungsoo. There is an aura of solemnity inside, possibly because of the dark décor or the absolute silence in the air. Observing the parlour foyer meekly, Kyungsoo takes in the structure of the old building. At the end of the entrance hallway is a set of wooden stairs leading to the second floor. In front of the stairs, a welcome sign stands alone in the middle of the foyer. On either side of the foyer, two more hallways stretch into the darkness and two large Chinese vases are standing by the connecting corridor. Holding his breath, Kyungoso peeks around like a thief in the night. He clutches desperately to the envelope like a protection charm and moving as quietly as he can, he shuts the door behind him. Standing in the middle of the empty foyer, he cautiously peers down the left then right hallways. The sound of a large clock ticking echoes sharply throughout the house. When he senses nothing out of the ordinary, Kyungsoo lets out a sigh of relief.

“What the hell are you doing, Doh Kyungsoo?” he mumbles to himself, relaxing a bit. Looking up at the beautiful but unusual ceiling mural of people smiling happily and flying in the sky, the pain of loss creeps back to haunt him. ‘Is that a portrayal of heaven?’ he wonders with a slight frown. Looking down at the envelope in his hands, he thinks of his brother again. His frown deepens when nothing but his brother’s disappointed eyes and frowning face comes to mind.

However before he could wallow in grief any longer, the door at the end of the left hallway busts open. Squinting at the bright light coming from behind the opened door, Kyungsoo’s entire body tenses and paralyzed to the spot, he watches as a tall figure charges aggressively at him. An obnoxiously loud baritone voice echoes down the hallway and it sends shiver crawling down Kyungsoo spine.

 “I’ve got you now, Baekhyun!”

Bewildered, Kyungsoo stumbles backward a couple of steps and almost trips over his feet. The figure is still running towards him at an alarming speed and lanky limbs are flailing wildly about. Panicked eyes lock gaze for the first time with bright orbs shimmering in excitement. As Kyungsoo gawks astonishingly at the head of grey hair and set of white teeth glowing in the dark, the running person begins to slow down having realizing that Kyungsoo is a stranger he has never met before. However before either of the two men has a chance to say anything, another obnoxiously loud voice erupts from upstairs, this time in a much higher tone. 

“What the hell are you talking about, Chanyeol! I’m here, you , haha!”

Kyungsoo snaps his head around and watches in even more shock as another stranger lands right in front of him, descending from above. His eyes widen in fear when he sees the new guy’s face, eerily pale like a sheet of white paper and his lips are bloody red for reasons the scared young man dares not to speculate. ‘It’s a ghost, run for your life!’ Kyungsoo’s already panicked inner voice screams hysterically and he squeaks out a choking whimper. Turning on his heels as fast as he can, Kyungsoo scrambles towards the entrance and completely ignores the voices calling from behind. In a rush, he tugs on the door handle but his body propels forwards a split second too soon than his arm pulling on the handle and with a loud bang, his head smashes hard on the heavy oak door. The terrified young man is immediately blinded by a white flash as blood rushed to his forehead. Unable to adjust to the onset of an intense dizzy spell, his legs give out and cursing silently, Kyungsoo crumbles to the ground. As his consciousness begins to fade, he hears the sound of footsteps running towards him, as well as surprised gasps and shouts encircling him. In particular, the deep baritone voice leaves a deep impression on him. It sounds very similar to his brother’s voice.

---

“It’s okay Kyungsoo, hyung will be here for you no matter what.”

A small boy glanced up at his older brother with innocent but lost eyes. Tear streaks still fresh on his cheeks, the teenager flashed an ugly smile at his younger brother. In the scattering snow, the brothers stood in front of their parents’ graves. Their grieving cries and helpless sighs were feeble and endless. Hand in hand, Kyungmin and Kyungsoo held tightly on to each other, as if the bitter winter wind would sweep one of them away as well.

“Kyungsoo, explain yourself!” A man in his late twenties shouted in anguish. Slumping into the nearby couch, Kyungmin cradled his head in his hands and let out a shaky sigh. In front of him, the youth being addressed kneeled silently on the floor with his head bowing low.

“He forced you, didn’t he? He forced you to do those things with him.” The older man said quietly, his voice shaking as if he was afraid of the otherwise, “It’s okay if you were being forced by him to do those things, Kyungsoo. Hyung won’t judge you for being a victim of bullying.”

The teenager remained silent and refused to face his older brother. He bit deeply into his bottom lip as tear burned around the rim of his eyes. Indeed, he was a victim but a willing one; he was a victim to unconventional love that society looked unfavourably upon. He had fallen in love with Kris Wu and the other boy loved him too. They may only be fifteen and sixteen, but Kyungsoo believed their love was true. After a moment of silence, the teenager spoke through gritted teeth, his tone firm and rebellious.

“No, I wanted him to kiss me and I wanted to kiss him back. I love him.”

A hand flew at his face and Kyungsoo gasped in shock at the stinging pain left on his cheek. The older man stood seething in anger in front of his younger brother and Kyungmin stared with teary eyes. He had never thought there would be a day when he’d strike the brother he had always tried to protect by putting his life and happiness on the line. Yet hearing those words from Kyungsoo’s mouth made his hand acted on its own. How, the older man thought in agony as he shut his eyes, how could his brother be gay?

Snapping back to his senses, Kyungsoo glared up with fire burning in his eyes and at the top of his lung, he shouted defiantly.

“I love him! He loves me! We’ve done nothing wrong! What’s wrong with being in love with each other! What’s so wrong about our love?”

“It’s wrong because you are both men!” Kyungmin screamed in return and his whole body shook uncontrollably. Digging his fingers into Kyungsoo’s shoulders, the older man commanded fiercely, despite the shouts of objection from his younger brother.

“You will never contact that Kris boy ever again! We are moving away and I am going to change your school! This is a mistake, Kyungsoo. You’re too young to know love! Forget about it all, please I beg you. Please, don’t make life hard for yourself, please…!”

Days later Kyungsoo stared at the crystal snowflake Kris had gifted him and cried silently. Tightly, he held it close to his fragile, shattered heart.

Three years later, the same boy that once cried for love was of no longer. Standing by the airport security gate, the brothers faced each other in silence. Kyungmin sighed sadly and tried to reach for his brother’s hand, only to have the latter avoid it. Kyungsoo awkwardly his chapped lips and looked down at the boarding pass in hand. The female voice announced the boarding call to Toronto, Canada, and Kyungsoo fidgeted with his luggage. Outside, snowflakes were dancing like that day many years ago but the brothers were no longer hand in hand. Flashing a forced happy smile at Kyungsoo, Kyungmin bid his brother goodbye and wished him good luck for his studies in university. The eighteen year old nodded wordlessly and without another glance, he took off. No hug, no goodbye; Kyungsoo walked away without regret. Tears slid down Kyungmin’s cheek as his brother’s lonesome back view disappeared behind tinted glass. Along with the fluttering snow, the bitter wind swept Kyungsoo away and his brother was left to sigh at the grey winter sky alone.

---

Kyungsoo awakens and a single tear glides from the corner of his eyes onto the pillow. When was the last time he dreamt of his brother? He cannot even recall. In his dream, his brother was still smiling, but it has been many years since Kyungsoo saw his brother’s smile.

There is only the sound of a clock ticking inside the dark room and Kyungsoo dazes out at the bare ceiling. His forehead is throbbing faintly in pain and he is thankful for the darkness. Shifting his head a little, he winces and stays still again. Staring into nothingness, his mind wanders and unwinds for the first time in days. Ever since he returned to Korea, everything seemed so surreal it felt as if he was watching himself in a movie. Every day, strangers’ faces whizzed by and he moved from place to place like an empty shell. The pain and shock of it all, to lose his only remaining family and to realize he is now truly alone in this world, all of it makes Kyungsoo numb. The fear of loneliness has begun to eat slowly away at his sanity and locking away his emotions seems to help him cope. Even though Kyungsoo knows this will only hurt him more in the long run. However, he is only human and he succumbs to avoiding pain at all cost.

Just then, the door cracks open and a slither of light pours in. Kyungsoo carefully turns towards the entrance and squints. A man with mischievous grin peeks in and upon seeing that his guest has awakened, his smile stretches wider and he quietly walks in. Placing a glass of water on the small bed table, Jongdae sits in the chair placed by the bed. Kyungsoo tries to get up but the smiling man pushes him gently back into bed.

“Don’t worry about getting up right now,” Jongdae says softly, his tone warm and friendly, “You banged your head pretty hard.”

Nodding thankfully and regretting his action right away, Kyungsoo sinks into his pillow with a frown. Being polite, he twists his body and faces the man who is trying not to chuckle.

“Thank you. This is… the Neverland Funeral Parlour right?” Kyungsoo questions warily. The smiling man nods.

“Yes, you are Kyungsoo-shi, Doh Kyungmin-shi’s brother right?” Jongdae answers. He smiles apologetically upon seeing the surprise and wariness in the other’s eyes, and he gestures at the yellow envelope on the bedside table. “Sorry, you were out cold and we didn’t know if we should call the ambulance. To be safe, we searched for your ID and looked inside the envelope. When I saw your face and your name, I realized you were probably Kyungmin-shi’s younger brother.”

Kyungsoo nods wordlessly at Jongdae’s explanation. 

“You guys look alike, that’s why I could tell,” Jongdae says and observers the quiet young man’s expression. He knows well why Kyungsoo is here; it means Kyungmin has already passed on. However, everyone from the parlour is surprised at how soon the younger brother showed up.

“It’s hard to forget someone such as Kyungmin-shi,” the smiling man adds after a moment of silence when Kyungsoo made no effort to carry on the conversation but still looked expectantly at Jongdae. “It is not every day you have someone walk into our funeral parlour and prearrange their own funeral. We all thought he was joking at first, but he was serious. He told us he has a terminal disease and he will die soon. He said because his younger brother is studying abroad, he wants to sort everything out before he goes so it’d be easier on his brother. So he prearranged his funeral for your sake, Kyungsoo.”

Jongdae’s smile widens warmly and he looks straight into the young man’s eyes.

“Your brother really loved you, didn’t he?”

There is almost a tone of envy in Jongdae’s voice but it goes by unnoticed by the quiet man on the bed. Kyungsoo frowns deeper and he lowers his eyes. A mixture of confusion, anger and guilt swirls around in his heart. His brother was just as he remembered: self-presumptuous and overly assertive; yet at the same time Kyungsoo cannot bring himself to overlook the good intentions behind Kyungmin’s decisions. He takes a deep breath in and gulps down his jumbled emotions. Taking a brief moment, Kyungsoo answers in a husky whisper.

“Maybe so…” he mumbles then looks up at Jongdae, the frown still etched in between his brows. Before the other could carry on the talks about his brother, Kyungsoo quickly changes the topic.

“You kept saying we and us, who is ‘we’?”

“Oh I am so sorry! Where are my manners!” Jongdae slaps down on his thigh and lets out a light apologetic chuckle, “I didn’t even introduce myself. My name is Kim Jongdae and I am the general manager of this funeral parlour. The ‘we’ I spoke of are my brothers and I. Chanyeol is the owner of his joint and Baekhyun is the other manager. The three of us run the family business together.”

Kyungsoo nods silently. He wants to ask more questions, but the dizziness returns and he cringes in pain. Seeing the uncomfortable expression on the injured man’s face, Jongdae leans over and tucks Kyungsoo in, making the latter even more uncomfortable.

“Looks like you’ll need more time to rest up or else you might end up with a concussion later.” Jongdae says gently and fixes the blanket. Matching gaze with Kyungsoo, he smiles warmly again and tries to reassure the younger man. “This is a guest room so take it easy tonight and rest. It’s already pretty late and I don’t feel comfortable letting you leave like this. I’m sure Kyungmin-shi would want you to stay as well.”

At the mention of his brother’s name, Kyungsoo’s jaw tightens. Mistaking it as a sign of physical pain, Jongdae quickly bids his good night and leaves the room. Left alone in the darkness again, Kyungsoo blanks out until his lids drop shut from fatigue. Soon he drifts into a turbulent slumber, where childhood memories of the time he spent with his brother surface and pop in his dreams like soap bubbles. Slipping in and out of sleep as a dull pain buzzed in his head, Kyungsoo vaguely hears the door open again. A shadow slips in and sits in the chair. In a haze, he hears the familiar baritone voice whisper in the night.

“I’m sorry…” the stranger says but Kyungsoo could not catch all of his words, “… hurting you… I’m sorry…”

Silence fills the room again. But as the stranger stands to leave, Kyungsoo reaches out a hand and grabs onto the corner the other’s shirt. Eyes half open, he gazes upon the shadowy figure through misty eyes. The voice calms and comforts Kyungsoo, reminding him of the stormy nights when his brother used to whisper songs to sooth him. He barely has memories of his mother anymore and to Kyungsoo, his older brother was all of his family. ‘But he too had left me,’ the young man thinks bitterly and closes his eyes again. Sensing no more intention to leave from the stranger, Kyungsoo’s heart settles and he falls back to sleep.

Chanyeol blinks at the stray tears clinging onto Kyungsoo’s thick lashes, quivering like drops of spring dew in the early mornings. A strange feeling settles in the pit of his stomach, something more than just pity and sympathy. There is so much sadness in the young man’s eyes and so much desperation in his action, they make Chanyeol’s heart wrench in pain. He has only come in to apologize for scaring the bejesus out of the poor guy earlier, but now he wants to do more for the young man.

Carefully taking a seat in the chair again, Chanyeol places his warm hand over the Kyungsoo’s cold one still clutching tightly to the corner of his shirt. Under the dim moonlight, the tall man curiously looks over the man lying in bed. Midnight black tresses is scattered carelessly across the young man’s smooth forehead, partially cover the pair of dark brows knitted tightly in a knot. Thick and long lashes flutter as the pair of hidden onyx orbs shift back and forth behind veined lids. Black circles are visible underneath Kyungsoo’s eyes and his plump lips twitch as he mumbles restlessly in his dreams. As if comforting a child, Chanyeol subconsciously pats the freezing hand twitching slightly in his laps. His other hand reaches over and slowly irons out the frown on Kyungsoo’s pale face. Warm fingers then traces down the side of the young man’s face and Chanyeol loses himself for a second in the sensation of silky skin beneath his calloused pad. Kyungsoo shifts in his sleep suddenly and the tall man snaps back to his senses, his face blushing brightly in the dark.

He has no idea why he just did that, but he could not deny enjoying every second of it. There is something captivating about the stranger that has barged into his life.

Still flustered, Chanyeol blinks thoughtfully at Kyungsoo’s melancholy face. Working at the funeral parlour, he has seen many broken spirits come and go, but never has he felt a stronger urge to help someone through their grieving. His gut feeling tells him that this young man needs him and sincerely, Chanyeol wants to help Kyungsoo too. He wants to see the young man smile again; he is certain the young man would have a beautiful smile, like the first bloom of the cherry blossoms in the spring. Giving Kyungsoo’s hand a tight squeeze, Chanyeol makes a promise to himself and the stranger that has mysteriously captivated him. He promised to become the cave of refugee for the ship sailing in the storm, the warm fire burning bright in the devastating winter; he will be the lantern lighting Kyungsoo’s way through the dark.

“I’m here,” Chanyeol whispers earnestly as the fidgeting young man whimpers pitifully in his sleep, “I’m here.”

Gradually, Kyungsoo relaxes and his grip loosens around tall man’s shirt. His breathing slowly evens out and after some struggles, he falls into a deep slumber.

Chanyeol smiles a little and tucks the other’s hand beneath the blanket. Before exiting the room, he catches a last look at the skinny form curled up in bed, like an injured cat hiding its wound. With a soft sigh, the gentle giant disappears through the door. 

---

“More tea?”

Kyungsoo looks up and finds Jongdae smiling at him with a round teapot in hand. Awkwardly, he nods and extends his mug with both arms to show respect, making the smiling man chuckle soundlessly. Shrinking back into his seat, Kyungsoo timidly sips on the warm beverage and watches as Chanyeol and Baekhyun squabble over something trivia. The two have introduced themselves at the beginning of breakfast, and they also apologized for causing Kyungsoo so much fright yesterday. Overwhelmed by the speed and volume of Baekhyun’s speech, the timid young man only managed to catch something about “we were practicing putting make up on dead people” as an explanation of the other’s previous appearance. Kyungsoo lets out a small sigh when Baekhyun’s high pitch shouting drills into his ears again. 

Chanyeol turns to look at the troubled young man and flashes him a toothy grin. He is happy to see that the black circles below Kyungsoo’s eyes have lightened a bit. Noticing Chanyeol’s caring glances, Kyungsoo gulps and goes back to sipping on his tea, trying to avoid eye contact with the smiling giant. He had a weird dream last night. He was lying in a patch of forest and above him, a soothing voice very similar to Chanyeol’s comforted him. The voice made him feel safe and loved, and it chased away the loneliness that has been creeping on him like a haunting spirit. Peeking from above the rim of his mug, Kyungsoo bites the inside of his lip when he sees that the smiling giant went back to arguing with Baekhyun. Unknowing to Kyungsoo, a faint blush is glowing faintly on his pale cheeks.

Jongdae takes everything in but pretends as if he has seen nothing at all. Hiding a smirk, he munches through his plate of toast and starts to chit chat with Kyungsoo. He is going to enjoy the upcoming week.

After breakfast, the four men gather inside the small meeting room, all of their faces serious. Looking down at the yellow envelope on the table, Kyungsoo contemplates what he should say; he is at a loss for words. Across from him, Chanyeol also stares at the envelope and remembers the man that came in a few months ago to prearrange his own funeral. Baekhyun glances from Kyungsoo to Chanyeol and he fidgets uncomfortably in his chair; the suffocating atmosphere in the room is killing him.

Jongdae breaks the tense silence in the room first and places another envelope on the table.

“This is the funeral plan Kyungmin-shi had signed up for,” he pushes the envelope towards the young man sitting across but the latter shows no intention of opening it. Kyungsoo chews on his bottom lip and just looks numbly at the name ‘Doh Kyungmin’ printed neatly at the centre of the brown envelope. Seeing the other’s inaction, Chanyeol offers to open the envelope and he lays out the contract and plans in front of the quiet young man.

“He signed up for the basic package, so once we receive his remains from the police, we will proceed with the procedure,” the tall man explains slowly, “I called the police this morning and it seems like Kyungmin-shi will arrive tomorrow afternoon. We will take care of everything after that and if you’d like, we can hold the funeral either three days from today or four days from today. That’s the soonest we can accommodate you based on our availability.”

At Chanyeol’s words, a small bitter smile surfaces on Kyungsoo’s blank face. ‘Arrive’, he amuses; the taller man is speaking as if his brother is still alive. Feeling concerning gaze on him again, the young man nods and replies, but he refuses to meet any of the other threes’ worried eyes.

“Let’s plan for three days from today then,” Kyungsoo says calmly. He wants to get this over with as soon as possible. “I will be responsible for contacting the people that will attend the funeral?”

“Yes,” Jongdae answers, “Usually, families invite the friends and people that used to be around the deceased to the funeral.” The smiling man explains.

“I know, I’ve been to a funeral before,” Kyungsoo says, still staring at the documents in front of him.

“Whose?” Baekhyun questions out of curiosity, causing Jongdae to send him a pointed look. Chanyeol kicks his prodding brother underneath the table and Baekhyun yelps quietly in pain. Kyungsoo on the other hand did not seem to mind the question much and he answers in nonchalant.

“My parent’s, but it was a long time ago.”

Baekhyun nods and hums in acknowledgement while he rubs tenderly at the spot Chanyeol had kicked him. Unexpectedly, he reaches over with his other hand and gives Kyungsoo’s arm a friendly pat.

“It’s okay. You can join our little orphan family here if you ever feel too lonely. We have more fun than other orphan filled families.” Baekhyun jokes and winks at Kyungsoo, who blinks in confusion. Jongdae snorts at the other’s bluntness and Chanyeol groans quietly, feeling embarrassed for his adopted brother’s inappropriate sense of humour. Noting the confused look on Kyungsoo’s face, Baekhyun explains.

“Don’t you think it’s weird that Chanyeol, Jongdae and I all have different last names? That’s because Jongdae and I were orphans and Chanyeol’s grandfather adopted us when we were twelve. Now that gramps has passed on too, we are truly a family of orphans. You’re welcome to join too.”

Kyungsoo stares hesitantly at Baekhyun’s bright face, his lips stretched into a thin line; he is not sure exactly how he should react. Stuttering on his words, he politely declines. Baekhyun shrugs and leans back into his seat. Jongdae scratches his head shyly while sending a Kyungsoo an apologetically look before steering their conversation back on track.

“Oh, there is something else you should know, Kyungsoo.” Jongdae says and pushes the stack of paper on the left closer towards the young man. Picking up the stapled documents, Kyungsoo reads over the content while the other delves into more explanation.

“Aside from the standard funeral service, Kyungmin-shi also signed up for a special service only our funeral parlour offers. As you know funerals are usually too formal and restrictive, but we think it shouldn’t just be like that. Death is the end to one’s life on earth, but it could also be seen as a beginning for the deceased. Therefore in light of the deceased’s new journey to somewhere new and in remembrance of all the times we the alive have shared with them, our parlour helps families organize a personal farewell party. Like a birthday party, the family can decide who they’d like to invite and what theme the party will be in.”

Looking up from the papers, Kyungsoo regards the three older men sitting across from him blankly. There’s anticipation but also nervousness in their eyes. Chanyeol gulps; this special service is his idea and he has implemented it since he took over the funeral parlour. It is definitely unconventional and also controversial; several families he had suggested to previously criticized him for taking lightly of the solemnity of human death. Chanyeol argues that he does understand the pain of losing close loved ones, after all he has lost all of his immediate family, but he believes that there is more to death than mourning in sorrow. He thinks the alive should celebrate the life that once was by doing things the deceased enjoyed, and take this chance to reminisce and truly appreciate their good, their bad, their accomplishments and imperfections as a human being. That is Chanyeol’s the genuine intention behind his party proposal: to honour the dead in a more personal and memorable way.

Blinking nervously, Chanyeol awaits Kyungsoo’s answer. The latter looks over the documents again and his breathing wavers. He doesn’t understand why his brother would sign up for something like this. The whole concept frightens Kyungsoo because it will require him to face the sentiments he has been running away from. He is not sure if he is ready to fully relive the memories of his brother. All he wants to do right now is to forget and let go, to run as far away as possible and hope that one day the nightmares will leave him alone. He is not strong enough right now, to face death or the past, and he is not ready to accept his own weakness.

There are simply too much regret, too many unhealed wounds and unsaid words he do not want to and is not ready to face.

“Kyungsoo?” Chanyeol calls out carefully and the said person snaps out of his thoughts. Picking up on the pain in Kyungsoo’s eyes, the tall man speaks gently.

“You don’t have to do the farewell party if you don’t feel comfortable with it.”

“But he’s already paid for it, didn’t he?” Kyungsoo asks, his tone cool and flat. Hesitantly, Chanyeol nods. However before he could speak again, Kyungsoo makes up his mind.

“Then, go ahead with it. I don’t know what it will be yet but since he’s already paid for it, we will go through with it.” The young man answers pragmatically and decides hastily, “He likes… plants. So if you have a garden here, then maybe we will just do a small after party there for whoever wants to stay and talk more about him. I guess just do that and I think it’ll be fine.”

A surge of anxiety hits Kyungsoo as he speaks more about his brother. The urge to run away becomes fiercer and more urgent in his head. Scratching at his forearms impatiently, the young man chews on the inside of his bottom lip. Across the table, Baekhyun frowns in sympathy but knows this is not his place to speak at the moment. Chanyeol too, frowns and purses his lips into a thin line. An uncomfortable air settles in the room and only the sound of Kyungsoo shuffling documents together echoes in the room. Once all the papers are gathered inside the envelopes, Kyungsoo gets up from his seat in a brisk.

“Is there anything else I need to know?” He asks curtly, “If not then I think I should leave. I’ve already intruded too much.”

“No that is all. We will contact you again when we start the funeral preparation.” Jongdae says and stands up also, carefully observing Kyungsoo’s rigid, emotionless face. He extends his arm for a handshake, but Kyungsoo bows politely to him instead. He quickly turns to bow at Chanyeol and Baekhyun as well and muttering his gratitude again, he leaves the parlour as fast as he can. Baekhyun’s eyes follow the young man’s uneasy back view rushing towards the door and walking around around the table, he lowers Jongdae’s arm that is still extended from the rejected handshake.

“He’s a mess.” Baekhyun whispers and shift his gaze to Chanyeol. The smiling giant looks visibly worried as he stares unblinkingly at Kyungsoo’s retreating form. Smiling to himself, the man with puppy eyes nudges his usual partner in crime. “You said he was studying abroad the whole time, Jongdae? Where was it, Toronto? I wonder if he has anyone to talk to here in Seoul anymore.”

Catching the other’s drift, Jongdae ducks his head and hides a smile before answering Baekhyun seriously.

“No, I think he is all alone now. His said his parents are dead too, didn’t he? He also doesn’t seem the type to have that many friends and who knows if he kept in contact with old classmates. Even so, he probably is just internalizing it all.”

“Yah, you’re right,” Baekhyun replies and tilts his head, taking pity of Kyungsoo. He tries not to smile wider when he sees Chanyeol’s face darken, “He’s definitely the type to suffer alone. He seems like it. You know, crying alone in the middle of the night until he falls asleep. That type.”

“Oh, definitely!” Jongdae joins in the teasing and exaggerates his words, “He looked like he will never be happy again. He looked so sad; I really hope he will be okay. If only someone could help him out. If only he has someone to lean on and talk to…”

Before Jongdae could finish his sentence, Chanyeol dashes out of the meeting room and chases after Kyungsoo. The two trouble makers bite back their laughs when the giant almost trips over his own lanky legs. When the door shuts with a slam, they burst into rowdy chortles. 

Outside, Chanyeol glances around frantically before spotting Kyungsoo speed walking down the street. Jogging to catch up, the tall man grabs hold of the other’s shoulder. But before he could utter Kyungsoo’s name, the young man is startled by the hand on his shoulder and out of self defense, he grabs Chanyeol by the arm and twists it behind the latter’s back. The envelopes drop to the ground with a dull thump and a series of screeching pain disrupts the peace in the neighbourhood. 

“Kyungsoo, ow, it’s me, ow, ow, ow! It’s me, Chanyeol!” The tall man shouts in pain as he struggles against the shorter man’s iron hold. Recognizing the other’s voice, Kyungsoo releases Chanyeol immediately and he gapes at the taller man with wide eyes.

“Chanyeol-shi, what are you doing?” Kyungsoo asks, bewildered. Chanyeol winces as he rubs his arm and flashes the young man a painful smile.

“Well, I uh, I wanted to tell you something.” The tall man answers awkwardly. Kyungsoo regards him apologetically but says nothing. his lips that are drying up all of a sudden, Chanyeol clears his throat.

“Ah, well I just wanted to say that, you know if you ever need someone to talk to, you can talk to me.”

Kyungsoo raises a quizzical brow at the offer and Chanyeol waves his arm wildly to explain; he winces from pain again due to the sudden movement.

“I mean, I understand the pain of being alone and I heard from Jongdae that you are by yourself in Korea right now, aren’t you? …It’s hard dealing with the death of a family member when you’re alone so, if you ever need a shoulder to lean on or just an ear to listen, I can be of help to you.” Chanyeol says quickly then his drying lips again. His deep voice and kind words seep into Kyungsoo’s heart and the short man lowers his gaze. Staring at the tip of their shoes, Kyungsoo replies quietly.

“Thanks.”

It is just one word, but it is enough to make Chanyeol grin like he has just won the lottery. Pulling a pen out of his pocket, he picks up the envelopes on the ground and scribbles a string of numbers on the brown one. Placing the envelopes in Kyungsoo’s hands, Chanyeol beams happily.

“No problem! If you need me just call me okay?” The tall man says eagerly and his cheeks are almost glowing. Shyly, Kyungsoo nods and holds onto the envelope tighter. The neighbourhood returns to its quint quietness and an ambiguous atmosphere start to form around the two men. Fidgeting with his fingers, Chanyeol looks up at the clear sky while Kyungsoo continues to stare at the tip of their shoes. Abruptly, the shorter man bows deeply and the already flustered Chanyeol starts to bow too. After a few rounds of embarrassed bowing back and forth, the two finally wave goodbye and Kyungsoo rushes off again. Until the shorter man becomes a spec in the distance, Chanyeol stands in the same spot, using the back of his hands to cool his flushing cheeks. Mumbling to himself, he blames his warm cheeks on the summer heat. All round, the cicadas are singing and stepping to the beat of the buzzing, Chanyeol returns to the parlour with a blinding smile on his face. He ignores the mischievous smirks directed at him from his adopted brothers and their teasing looks. Nothing is going to ruin his day.

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