너와 난 어쩌면은 
사랑이 아닐지도 
사랑 보다 사랑해 
이 세상 없는 말 
사랑 그 보다 큰 
어떤 것

Nobody But You - Bastarz

Birthdays were never really special to Taeil. Sure, he liked the presents (who doesn’t like getting gifts?) and the free drinks were nice, but he doesn’t like being in the spotlight, even when it’s just family and friends. Something about having all eyes on him makes him nervy, a little bit skittish. It’s why he didn’t promote his solo song, and it’s why he feels safest in front of cameras with the others around him, especially Jihoon – the maknae’s effervescent personality directs attention away from him.

So that’s why he’d told Jiho to tell the others not to make a big deal over his birthday this year. A couple of times before they’d all thrown him a party, and while he was grateful, he clammed up a little when faced with entertaining all those people – especially in a venue as tiny as their dorm.

Jiho had smiled at him, eyes narrowing – melting Taeil’s heart like he always does – and hand sliding around to pull Taeil closer by his belt loops, head dipping to press a kiss to the older man’s lips. “‘Course, hyung. Besides, we just had a big party for me the other week. I’m sure the others won’t mind. We can celebrate, just you and me.”

Taeil would be lying if his heart hadn’t skipped a beat at that prospect, but he had just playfully shoved Jiho away and told him to get back to work.

So when Taeil pushes in the code to the lock of the door and stumbles into the dorm, shrugging out of his coat (it’s only autumn, but he feels the cold more easily than the others) and humming to himself, and turns only to see confetti thrown at his face and balloons rise in the air to the sound of cheering, his first reaction is to turn and run. But as the confetti settles, he realises it’s only the other six idiots, and no one else.

He glares at Jiho, who wilts under his gaze and shrugs, palms up. It’s a gesture that means sorry, I tried, but they wouldn’t listen, and it’s one Taeil has seen often – Jiho, when it comes to ordering the others around, is not a very good leader.

“Happy birthday, hyung!” Jihoon cries, bounding up to him and folding him close in a tight hug that nearly lifts him off the ground. “You’re so old!”

Taeil rolls his eyes as the maknae pulls him in, but he means it lightheartedly and Jihoon knows it – it’s hard to stay irritated with the human equivalent of a bounding puppy for long. “Thanks, Jihoonie, that makes me feel nice. I come home and I get confetti thrown in my face and insulted.”

“It’s a celebration!” Jaehyo cries, holding up a bottle of soju. “Come on.”

Jiho stands up and grabs Taeil’s hand and pulls him to sit next to him on the lounge, giving Taeil’s hand a quick squeeze in the process, touch lingering a bit more than is really necessary, and he shoots Jiho a warning look. The others don’t know yet – although he’s sure Yukwon has picked up on something, observing little schemer he is. He sighs inwardly and resigns himself to this, resolving to get it over with as soon as possible so he can fall into bed and sleep for a week.

A package is shoved into his lap, badly wrapped in bright blue wrapping paper with fish all over it – not very accurate fish but hey you can’t have everything – and Jihoon bounces up and down on the spot, grin splitting his face. “Open it, hyung! Open!”

He smiles and is about to carefully peel away the tape perilously holding the package together, when a cake is shoved in his face and he yelps, leaping backwards to avoid the candles, which nearly singe his eyebrows.

Minhyuk is holding it, also grinning proudly. “Blow out the candles first! I made the cake.”

Taeil looks dubiously at it. It looks like a cake from a packet mix, only covered – literally, every spare modicum of space covered – in candles. He looks up at Minhyuk, who raises one shoulder in a shrug. “These all were the leftover candles we had lying around. Kyung thought we should use them up.”

So, inwardly letting out another sigh, he leans forward and blows –

And one candle splutters out pathetically. The rest just blow in the breeze.

Jiho nearly falls off his chair laughing next to him, the cake wobbles precariously as Minhyuk struggles to breathe with his laughter, and the others just fall about in peals of laughter. Taeil frowns, and tries again, drawing air deep in and pushing from his diaphragm like they taught him in singing class, but this time, no candles go out at all.

“Alright.” He says, putting his hands in the air, drawing everyone’s eyes to him. “Are these those joke candles? That don’t go out no matter how hard you blow? Because if they are, Kyung, I may have to kill you.”

Kyung smirks. “Those are perfectly legitimate candles, thank you very much. And I actually resent the implication that if anyone was to pull a prank on you, it would be me. When does that ever happen?”

Kyung keeps a straight face for about a millisecond before falling over himself laughing again. Taeil just rolls his eyes as Jiho starts speaking.

“We can do this with teamwork.” The younger man says, scooting forward on the chair, braids falling into his eyes (Taeil is constantly torn between brushing them back behind Jiho’s ears and shaving his head in the middle of the night; the hairstyle left over from Show Me the Money is one of Taeil’s least favourites so far).

“Teamwork? Are you kidding me?” Taeil rounds on Jiho. “It’s my cake!”

Jiho sits back and folds his arms. “And look how well you did.”

“You know what they trained me for? Singing. Not for blowing out damn candles.” Taeil huffs. “Come on then, let’s try this teamwork crap.”

So everyone gathers round, and on Jiho’s countdown, blow out all the candles. With their combined lung power, the candles go out in a flash, leaving Taeil feeling slightly embarrassed while Jiho spurts some bull about teamwork being the best way to accomplish things.

“Now open it!” Jihoon sing-songs, pointing to the present still in Taeil’s lap. “Come on!”

So Taeil carefully peels back the wrapping, admiring the way that Jihoon can make a present look so ratty, and finds a cute fish plushy. It’s very soft, and he thanks Jihoon earnestly.

He then makes his way through the rest of the presents, which include a nice phone case with skulls on it from Minhyuk, a set of vintage, tattoo-flash stickers from Yukwon (“for your bike helmet”, he smiles), a new pair of glasses from Jaehyo and some nice face cream from Kyung (“I couldn’t think of anything funny, so I got something practical”, he’d said, somewhat dejectedly).

After thanking everyone for their presents, and trying on the glasses and putting his new phone case on, he turns to Jiho expectantly. Jiho had always gotten him nice, thoughtful gifts, gifts that suited him perfectly, so he is looking forward to see what the younger man had gotten him this year.

Jiho looked back at him and frowned, seeming to hesitate, his face falling as he realised what Taeil was waiting for.

“Hyung, I haven’t… Your present, it’s coming, I just haven’t bought it yet.” He sighs, taking Taeil’s hand.

Taeil is taken aback. Even though he shouldn’t be, he’s hurt, and it’s like a weight pressing down on his chest. He gently extricates his hand from Jiho’s and smiles like it’s no big deal. “It’s alright, Jiho, just hurry up, ok?” He teases, still trying to smile, but he knows it comes out weak and Jiho doesn’t quite believe him – he can tell the way the younger man is watching him with worried eyes as he turns away and begins to gather up the detritus.

//

As the night lingers on, Taeil unable to sleep, he keeps turning the evening over in his head. It’s very unlike Jiho to forget someone’s birthday – he knows them all religiously and is, in fact, often the one going around reminding all the others to buy presents in time. So Taeil can’t believe he justforgot. Especially since their birthdays are so close together, and they’ve spoken about it before. No, he didn’t forget.

He supposes his present could still be coming in the mail, if he’s ordered it online, but again Jiho’s organisational skills with birthdays are very good and that’s just not an excuse Taeil buys.

So when Jiho slips into his room and slides under the covers, scooting down next to Taeil and pulling the older man close, Taeil can’t help but stiffen and move away slightly. Jiho sighs and rolls over onto his back.

“Is this about the present thing?” He whispers, the words lingering in the dark, heavy and weighty.

Taeil curls up even more. This really shouldn’t hurt, it’s such a dumb thing to get upset by, but it does and he is. “I guess so. I’m just a bit hurt is all. I know you didn’t forget.”

“No, I didn’t forget. I’m sorry.” Jiho whispers back. Taeil waits for an explanation, a promise of a present to come, but there’s nothing, just the two of them lying stiffly in the bed, separated by such a silly thing.

//

Over the coming days, Taeil tries to forget about it. He loves Jiho so much, so damn much, that he isn’t going to let something like this come between them. Soon they’re back to their regular selves, sneaking kisses quickly in the dorm while no one’s looking, jumping apart like they’re at high school and have just been caught by a teacher whenever someone turns the corner. He’s pretty sure the others are beginning to catch on by now, but he’s too caught up on Jiho’s love, Jiho’s aura, the way Jiho makes him feel that he’s too ecstatic to care.

It’s one night, perhaps a week after his birthday, when he lets himself into the studio. It’s only about midnight, so early for Jiho, and sure enough he’s awake and tapping away at his keyboard. Taeil kisses him on the cheek as a greeting and sits down on the lounge to wait.

Jiho, when he’s in his element, doesn’t like to be disturbed. He gets very, very focused on whatever he’s doing, only dimly aware of what’s going on around him. It’s twenty minutes later when he turns around and sees Taeil, face brightening. He bounds over to the lounge and slides onto Taeil’s lap, straddling him and linking his arms around the older man’s neck.

“When did you get here?” He asks, bending his head to Taeil’s and kissing him hard, almost impatiently.

Taeil slides his hands up the back of Jiho’s jumper, fingers moving in circles on Jiho’s lower back. “About twenty minutes ago. Did you not notice?”

Jiho rolls his eyes. “You know what I’m like.”

He kisses Taeil again, this time passionate and slow-burning, hands slipping underneath Taeil’s t-shirt to brush over his chest, flitter past his s, dip perilously low to his waistband. Taeil gasps and shifts upward, amazed at the way Jiho can make his composure come undone so easily with just a kiss. He takes Jiho’s lower lip in between his teeth, feels Jiho stiffen and his nails dig in, and Taeil chuckles breathily. If Jiho knows just the right way to kiss him to get him hard, he knows all the right things to get Jiho gasping, too.

As Taeil shifts his hips upward, grinding into Jiho, he sees Jiho’s eyes get that glassy look that means he’s really , and smirks. He’s been thinking about the younger man all day, and now, to have him here, the weight of him on his lap, is the best thing in the world.

But Jiho pulls back, putting his hands on Taeil’s chest and pushing backwards, smiling as Taeil pouts. “I know, I know. But I have something for you.”

Jiho slides off him – immediately he mourns the hot weight of him – and walks over to the desk and pulls something out from underneath it. It’s a big box, wrapped beautifully in stripy red wrapping paper, and tied with a big ribbon on top. Jiho presents it to Taeil and takes a seat next to him on the lounge.

“What’s this?” Taeil asks, pulling off the ribbon carefully.

Jiho smiles, clenching his fist on the fabric of the lounge (a sure sign he’s nervous). “It’s… your present, hyung.”

Taeil pauses for a moment, hands still in the process of peeling back the tape. His present? He had just resigned himself to not getting a present from Jiho this year. It’s nearly a week later. Where did this come from?

He pulls off the wrapping – which is much too professional for Jiho to have done – and finds a hatbox. His interest is instantly piqued, and he pulls off the lid to reveal a beautiful black wide-brimmed hat, unlike anything he’s got in his collection so far. The stitching on the brim is exquisite, and it’s lined inside with soft red silk, the crimson stark against the black of the felt. He pulls it out and puts it on his head, marvelled by the way it settles there like it was made to be there.

“I love it.” He cries, throwing himself into Jiho’s arms, bashing him in the head with the hat accidentally as he does so.

Jiho pulls back and smiles. “I’m glad you like it. And… I’m sorry it took so long.”

Taeil glowers slightly and puts the hat carefully back in the box, moves the box back to the floor. “What did take so long, Jiho? I thought you weren’t getting me anything.”

Jiho bites the inside of his cheek – Taeil can see his jaw moving – and hesitates. “I… I had to go to a bunch of different shops to find it.” He offers, weakly, and Taeil raises an eyebrow.

The hat is beautiful, and it was lovely to get a present, but again he doesn’t buy Jiho’s excuse and it’s a little hurtful, because he knows Jiho is lying, or at least withholding the truth somehow. He reaches for Jiho’s hand and squeezes, but his smile is muted.

//

Jihoon sticks his head around Taeil’s door and smiles when he sees Taeil wearing Jiho’s hat. “I see you got his present, then.”

“I didn’t think I was going to get one at all, honestly.” Taeil smiles back. “It’s lovely.”

“Did he tell you why it took him so long?” Jihoon asks, coming into Taeil’s bedroom and folding himself gracefully onto Taeil’s bed.

Taeil shakes his head, smiling ruefully. “Sort of. He just said he had to go to a few different stores to get it.”

Jihoon’s eyes bulge and his mouth drops open and Taeil’s pretty sure he’s never seen him so shocked. “That’s all he said? Seriously? Hyung, he harassed us for days about different hats. He went to twenty different stores, all around Seoul, looking for the perfect hat. Look.”

Jihoon pulls out his phone and starts scrolling, then hands it over to Taeil.

[2:24 pm] Jiho: What about this one?
[2:25 pm] Yukwon: That’s like the 23rd hat right? It looks fine
[2:25 pm] Jiho: Yes but it has to look perfect
[2:28 pm] Kyung: It looks great~
[2:29 pm] Jaehyo: I’m putting my phone on silent. This is getting ridiculous
[2:35 pm] Minhyuk: I agree. The hat is fine, Jiho, you know he’ll like whatever you get him
[2:36 pm] Jihoon: looks great hyung!!!!!!

[3:02 pm] Jiho: What do you guys think of this one?
[3:04 pm] Jihoon: I like it!!!!
[3:05 pm] Yukwon: Lol, that’s so not Taeil’s style.
[3:05 pm] Jiho: I don’t know what to do, there’s so many good hats but none of them are *perfect* you know?
[3:06 pm] Jaehyo: No, I don’t know
[3:07 pm] Yukwon: Nope
[3:10 pm] Minhyuk: For god’s sake…
[3:13 pm] Jihoon: *monkey emoji*
[3:13 pm] Jihoon: Hyuuung it looks fine

Taeil keeps scrolling. The conversation goes on for days, mainly with Jiho sending pics of various hats and the other members getting increasingly exasperated (and Jihoon sending more monkey emoticons). Eventually, he settled on the hat that Taeil is wearing right now, much to the joy of the other five.

Taeil hands the phone back to Jihoon, a little bit stunned. “He didn’t tell me any of this. He didn’t even tell me he was looking. He didn’t sayanything.”

Jihoon smiles, patting Taeil on the shoulder. “He really loves you, you know?”

Taeil’s heart stops and his head shoots up to look at Jihoon, fist clenching. He knows he knows he knows he thinks, ready to start coming up with excuses (‘it was once’, ‘we were drunk’, ‘I don’t know what you think you saw, but it wasn’t that’) when he realises Jihoon is completely innocent and naive, and means it in an innocuous way.

“Yeah.” He smiles a watery smile. That was a lucky moment, but they’ll have to tell everyone soon, and that’s not a moment he’s looking forward to.

For the moment, though, there’s something he needs to do.

//

He bursts in the door of the studio and almost runs smack-bang into Jiho, who is reaching for something on one of the cupboards. He can’t get it, though, because Taeil barrels into him, kissing him forcefully, pushing him back against the wall, hands scrabbling furiously at the buttons on his shirt because he needs Jiho and he needs him now.

“You didn’t tell me what you did.” Taeil manages to gasp out, before going in for another kiss, but Jiho holds him at arm’s length, looking at him warily.

“What do you mean? What did I do?” He asks.

Taeil struggles, but Jiho’s stronger than he looks. “You ing bastard. You didn’t tell me you trekked all across the damn city looking for a birthday present for a week. You didn’t tell me you harassed the others for the perfect hat. You didn’t tell me that you were even getting me a present.”

Jiho tilts his head to the side, hair falling into his face (he’s finally gotten rid of those damn braids and his hair is back to its normal, fluffy self), looking utterly confused. “But… why are you mad at me?”

Taeil uses this distraction to shoulder aside Jiho’s hands and step into the younger man’s personal space, slip his hands around Jiho’s waist where they settle like they were made to be there. “I’m – I’m not mad. I just wish you’d told me. And I’m ing grateful, Jiho, god. You did all that for me. I love you.”

He blurts this last part, and kisses Jiho again in an effort to hide his embarrassment, face going red. He feels Jiho’s hands lift up his shirt and he steps back and lets it be peeled off, starts working on Jiho’s buttons as he feels Jiho’s lips on his skin, his touch leaving a hot, burning feeling wherever it goes.

“Happy birthday, hyung.” Jiho whispers into Taeil’s chest, and Taeil laughs.

Happy birthday indeed.