A/N: Well, I initially want to make a smart, educative, real insight about the topic, but i guess I'm still lacking. So here's a teeny tiny molecule-sized side of a bigger story of what transgender people have been suffering through. (With a little cherry--read : Jinki--on top)

--

 

 

trans·gen·der* (transˈjendər,tranzˈjendər/) : adj. denoting or relating to a person whose self-identity does not conform unambiguously to conventional notions of male or female gender.

 

 

Asked a girl what she wanted to be

She said baby, can't you see

I wanna be famous, a star on the screen

But you can do something in between~

 

Jinki watches the fan at his ceiling moving and making lazy sounds, before his eyes moves down to see the empty wall above the head of his bed where his feet are, and he considers about sticking another poster of nirvana quote he makes for his popart class on it.

The old LP of the beatles he plays to fill the void stammers softly to a stop in the background, right when his door creaks open.

Jinki examines his fan again and thinks about the dust, doesn't need to look to see who it is.

 

Jinki expects that twelve-years-bestfriend of his to throw himself beside him or to crush him to death (except that Kibum's never big enough) as usual. But then, quietly, a thin face looms over and watches him upside down.

Jinki blinks once, twice.

Before tilting his head a bit to assess the kohl-rimmed feline eyes, the volume-up'ed lashes, the pink tinted lips bud, and the tiny silver locket dangling from a slim neck that smells so much like a rose garden.

Oh.

"Hi, Gwiboon." He gives hi--her a smile.

H--she contemplates it, then smiles too.

 

She's warm and soft and sort of ticklish against his side. But that could be her oversized cashmere sweater, which dangerously slids off of her pale shoulder as she rest her head on the crook of his neck. Not the couch, he notes.

Jinki wants to fix it for her but does not dare to.

He remembers getting slapped the last time he said her bra straps are showing.

"What ?" She asks, lifting her head as she catches him staring at her.

"Nothing." Jinki shrugs, trying to get back to the movie they're watching. Pretty Woman, again.

"What is it ?" She insists.

"You got new lipstick ?" He takes the safer route.

"My aunt's." Gwiboon answers nonchalantly. "Just want to try since I want to buy the same brand."

"She's out of the town again ?"

"Yeah. Uncle's too. Different countries, tho. Guess he flies to the amazon to snap the captor boa or something."

Jinki only nods. So that's why she's going out of the closet.

 

 

"Does it look good on me ?" She asks after a few beats.

Jinki is already a little out of it "Huh ?"

"The color ?"

Jinki stares at her lips then at her expectant eyes then shrugs again then answers "Yeah."

She takes it in for a while before shrugging too then resting her head back to his shoulder without words.

 

Jinki stares at her quietly once again while she's already into the movie. Watching her small lips pursed, watching her cheeks rub against his arm, watching her chest raising up and down, watching her slender fingers fall on the lap of her pleated skirt and remembers the first time he sees her.

*

 

Jinki met Kibum in the third year of primary school.

He's loud and bratty, and refusing to give up the swing, nose crunching up, cheeks reddening in heat.

Jinki was a nice, new kid so he just shrugged and gave it up and decided to take the tunnel so he could escape the scorching sun, now that he thought about it.

 

Unexpectedly, after Jinki settled all nice and cozy inside, Kibum followed him and scrunched his nose again before he offered his hand and his friendship, like it's some sort of blessing on Jinki's side.

Jinki took it cause he's the new kid, and his mother told him he couldn't go home until he made friends (He didn't know it was a joke).

And Jinki needed to go home to finish his mario kart, alright.

 

After a week or two, they're already best of friends.

Jinki found out that Kibum lived right opposite his house with his aunt and uncle, since his parents were nowhere to be found (much much later, he learned that they left Kibum at tender age of five) 

Jinki also knew that Kibum loved barbie dolls and ribbons and pink and wanted to be mommy--and/or princess, he insists--whenever they play house.

It was unusual for boys their age.

But Jinki thought he's unusual too, cause he loved thrift shop and manual typewriters and second-hand books and wanted to be Che Guevara when he grows up.

So Jinki decided anyone shouldn't be judged by what they like. Or what they want to be.

 

Then Kibum introduced Gwiboon to him six years after it.

 

Jinki watched the fumbling hand, the unsure demeanor. Watching Kibum opening his mouth then closing it again.

The silence was unending, unsettling, unfamiliar. But Jinki could wait.

 

When Kibum spoke, he stuttered. Clinging to words by words, with frowns and pauses and of lips here and there, then began the speech about someone inside him, someone's stolen life, someone he wanted to be, someone he really is.

Jinki watched the confident facade unravel, watched Kibum disappeared behind his bathroom door and someone else stepped out in flare dress and curly brown hair.

Someone who didn't show up in the true "here it is deal with it" Kibum fashion.

 

Gwiboon's unsure and scared and looked like she might break into pieces anytime.

She glanced at Jinki from behind her lashes, expected him to turn tail and run. Maybe.

Maybe he wanted to. Maybe not.

In the end, Jinki just smiled and faked a huff "Thank God. A second ago, I'm shaking in fear thinking you're going to profess your undying love to me or something."

 

Gwiboon relaxed, punched him in the arm and Jinki breathed a sigh of relief.

It sure would take some getting used to.

But strangely, in all honesty, he's not that surprised. It just made sense in so many ways, for his young, naive head. Especially for the last few years when they had hit puberty.

Kibum was always.. gracious, not in an over effeminate girly way, but in his own indescribable way.

 

And then years later, eventho Jinki had to occasionaly sacrifice his room and sat through a series of fashion show or hair-do show or make-up show or suffered a painful toenails-painting session, (while he would never understand one bit about the difference of brunette and brown, or that velvet will forever be a horrible fabric to make clothes of and just should be couch material--she lectured him one day), he's not complaining.

Gwiboon had nowhere to go. She's satisfied enough with his 'uh-huh' and 'uhm' and 'yeah' whenever she asked him about whether the dress or the heels or the new hair color fit her or not.

And the most important thing, Kibum appeared to be the happiest when he's Gwiboon.

And Jinki wouldn't have it any other way.

 

But then there's the ugly scene too.

The crying, the yelling, the torn fabrics, the red on the blade, on the shattered glass that's once the mirror, the stop it, it's hurting you, the off you'll never understand.

Jinki would craddle Kibum in his arms, shushing the i can't, i can't pretend anymore, then lied that everything would be alright.

It echoed in the empty, always empty house and Jinki would feel a bit hopeless too.

 

Then he would take a good look at Kibum, at the ethereal paleness, at the fragility behind his wet eyes, trying to hold him when he looks like he might break any second again.

And Jinki thought, God he clearly sees the girl in Kibum.

Why couldn't anyone else ?

*

 

Jinki watches Gwiboon from the corner of his eye. She's far off in the other end of the couch by now, feet comfortably settled on Jinki's lap. (It's been their third position into the movie marathon, after the fourth serving of shared quesadillas and a pint of mint-flavored ben and jerry's)

Then he finds that she gets this distant look in her eyes and he realizes that she's not watching the movie on the screen too.

Which makes him decide to tickle her heels.

Because Gwiboon--or Kibum--never ignores Notting Hill when it's playing. Period.

 

Gwiboon is startled and almost kicks little Jinki on the way. Which fortunately, only *almost*. So Jinki is happy enough to receive her death glare at the cost of keeping his balls fit and healthy.

"What ?" She asks again, still glaring.

"What's budging you ?"

A flicker in the eye, a turn away of head "Nothing."

Jinki raises his eyebrows, spelling "liar" quietly loud.

She doesn't see it, but certainly knows what he's thinking. Because then she sighs and shrugs and says it like it's not a big deal, when it's clearly the opposite.

"I just want to go out."

 

Small big thing. Jinki thinks.

He watches her again and catches her staring at the screen with too much concentration this time.

The first and the last time Gwiboon went out from the safety of Jinki's bedroom resulted on a small disaster that shook her little world.

*

 

When they were in high school, aside from Jinki's room, they used to hang around a lot in an american-styled diner two blocks down their neighborhood.

Kibum loved the lemon bars, but apparently hated every other menu on the list--especially the turkey wrap and fries which Jinki loved--cause he found 'em too greasy.

Kibum always gave Jinki a dirty look whenever he ordered and ate them, but Jinki knew better, because sometimes one or two fries in his plate were missing and there's no one in front of him beside his bestfriend and his sudden over-innocent look.

 

One day, Kibum dropped by when Jinki tried to awaken his long dead boombox (no one got why he even attempted at it when he knew about technical engineering)

Kibum gave Jinki a poke in the with his toes and announced that he wanted to go to the diner.

As Gwiboon.

Jinki thought Okay, dropping his hand from the machinery corpse and turned around, raising his eyebrows to the person sprawled on his bed, Are you sure ?

 

Kibum gave him a noncommital shrug. Like it's not a big deal, when it's clearly the opposite.

Jinki decided Fine. Let's get to it.

It's a weekday night. His father left the car in the garage. And the diner wasn't exactly a popular spot for young 'uns.

There's least chance they'd bump into anyone from school.

 

Except they did.

 

But before they did, there's the ride to the place and an ecstatic Gwiboon on the way.

She couldn't stop clasping her hands, and leaning her temple to the window, and checking herself out in the rearview mirror. (She got this face-changing make up on her, she said.)

Jinki couldn't stop smiling too, seeing her. She looked so much like someone who just got out from the dungeon--it's true in some sense--and he decided to a little.

"You don't know how... incredible it is." Gwiboon sighed "Being out. Being me. It's not even a problem for some people, you know ? You wake up and dont even need to think who you are. You look into the mirror and just know it's you. It's not the case with me."

 

Gwiboon laughed it off but Jinki felt a pinch in his gut, just like every single time they indulged in the serious side of the topic.

But then he felt a real painful pinch on his arm and turned his head to see her giving him a soft smile.

"Don't make that face." I'm fine "You're ugly."

Jinki gave her a smile back but pinched her too for good measure.

He ended up yelping in pain when she decided to spend the rest of their way trying to skin him off.

 

 

They were chuckling their way in to the diner, Jinki leading with Gwiboon in tow, trying to coax her to try the blue-plate special--roast chicken, chipotle sauce, hash browns and stir-fry veggies this week--just this time, just for once.

When he realized she's suddenly not following him anymore then he turned to see her already spun around and attached herself to the empty counter.

He frowned, walking up to where she was and ready to about wanting the lemon bars that badly when he noticed her tensed up and finally heard she whispered in a strangled sound as she felt him behind her "There's Kim Kyunghoon."

 

Jinki raised his eyebrows for a while, registering the name before he oh'ed and finally looked from behind his shoulder and saw the bulky guy with a clean military-like hair cut in one of the booth on the right side, laughing with his minions.

Kim Kyunghoon, right.

 

He his lips, turning back to see the stiff Gwiboon.

He slowly put a hand on her back, opening his mouth to ask "You want to go ?"

But then there's a shout of his name before she could answer.

"Hey, Jinki !"

Jinki had no choice but to turn around and give Kim Kyunghoon a nod and a fake smile.

 

Jinki was one of few people, beside his minions, who got to be... tolerated by Kim Kyunghoon, the biggest in school.

Because Jinki tutored him for quite some times when they were junior, and it was said to be helping Kyunghoon out a lot from the wrath of his soldier of a father.

And in some strange, twisted fate, Kim Kyunghoon was also someone who used to play and hang around with Kibum when they were still kids--way before Jinki came along--, because his mother and Kibum's aunt were a pretty close gossipy housewives in the neighborhood.

But no, the boys were not friends.

Because by now, Kibum was no more than Kim Kyunghoon's most favorite punching bag.

 

He would shove him into the locker everytime they met in the corridor.

He would call him names which didn't represent Kibum at all. . ert.

Kibum didn't fight back because he knew he'd just making it worse.

It's just three more years anyway, Kibum would smile when Jinki helped him nursing the bruise in the corner of his eye.

And whenever Jinki stood up for him, Kyunghoon would just laugh, pat him on the shoulder and tell him just to ditch Kibum like he did, he said it while glancing to Kibum in behind Jinki, because you gotta get the girly influence sooner or later, man in some fake concerned way that made Jinki blood boiled.

 

But Kyunghoon would already be gone by the time Jinki wanted to ask for a fight again--which he didn't actually know how to, but that's not the point--.

Kibum would say it's okay, placing a hand on Jinki's back then whispered in a quiet voice he thought Jinki wouldn't hear, Kyunghoon's right I'm used to being thrown away anyway.

 

"You with your girlfriend ?" Kyunghoon asked from his booth.

"Yeah." Jinki kind of shrugged. Well, Gwiboon's a girl and a friend, so girlfriend, whatever.

"Good for you." Kyunghoon seemed to assess Gwiboon's back land her long legs--which made Jinki consider to gauge his eyes out--but then he gave Jinki a malicious smile "I hope you don't hang around with that Kim Kibum anymore."

Jinki hoped his strained smile was enough of an answer.

 

 

He turned around back to Gwiboon when one of Kyunghoon's minion asked something like "What's exactly about this Kibum, man ?"

She already took the stool in the counter, but still seemed a litte worked up, nails mindlessly clicking with the empty mug set on the table.

Jinki inhaled quietly, before decided to take off the cap he's been wearing and put it on Gwiboon's head, covering half of her face "You don't want to go ?"

"No. Wait."

 

"He played dolls, man. And no ordinary dolls. It's in' barbie."

Chuckles.

"Then he made a scene once when we're out for shopping. He didn't want the clothes picked for him, because he wanted a dress. A dress. Maybe he'd ask about wanting bra later."

Troll laughs "I don't know because I move to a better neighborhood a bit after, right ?

"Seriously, I've told you before, he's taken in by his aunt and uncle. And he still caused so much trouble for them. Ungrateful little , I say. Someone got to pay him back for it."

 

"Gwiboon.." Jinki called, noticing the tensed shoulder, the restless fingers.

She's not listening to him, instead calling the busboy who just appeared out of nowhere, holding two pots of coffee. She flipped up the mug she'd been playing with and calmly, over calmly, asked "Java, please."

 

"I remember this one time, when we were seven or eight ? My cousin was visiting, he was there too. His aunt's gone somewhere again or something. So my parents told us just to play in the pool when the adults talked.

"My cousin didnt bring any swimsuit or spare clothes so her mother said just to swim . She's five anyway.

"And you know what happened ? He was standing on the pool side and like.. staring at my cousin's body, the lower part and then suddenly he just started pulling at you know.. his junior. While screaming something, that everybody freaked out and had to run outside."

A series of yucks and what the s.

"My mother told me he said something like take it off, but I believed my mother's wrong cause she's old you know. I believed he must've said something like 'Jerk it off' or ' it off'."

Crazy laughs.

 

Jinki had enough of it, so exasperatedly, he turned again to Gwiboon and meant to beg her "Gwib--"

"Let's go." She didn't even finish her coffee but slapped a bill down to the counter anyway before leaving the diner with fury and tears swelled in her eyes.

 

Don't... say anything.

Gwiboon warned him when they were back in the car, turning away, shoulders trembled just a little.

Jinki didn't. But he did decide to stay with her.

 

They spent the rest of the night going for a ride. Watching the dawn fell and darkness folded up. All shuddered breaths, shaky hands and strained screams.

*

 

It was a week after that, did Jinki fear for the evil of people. For the evil of words.

For the evil of what he could possibly do if these crimson streams and shattered, jagged reflections of them were taking his bestfriend away.

*

 

Jinki gets a hold of Gwiboon's hand (when they have gone back to their first position, five hours into the movie marathon and two glasses of self-made mint juleps), mindlessly thumbing the faint scar on her wrist.

Gwiboon just raises her eyebrows a little, but letting Jinki do as he wants. It feels kind of nice, anyway.

 

"It won't go away." Jinki says, after some times, strangely quiet.

"Yeah." Gwiboon agrees, looking at the veins on her wrist, the slits markings and the circle Jinki draws around them. "It won't. But it's okay." She says, then smiles a little when she feels his frown on her.

She looks up to him "It's a souvenir of what I've been going through. And I survived. So, yeah." She gives him a little shrug. Still smiling, always smiling.

 

Jinki feels his chest tightens a little. He wonders whys, whats and hows about this girl and everything that makes her, when Gwiboon pulls her hand out from his hold and reaches for him.

She pushes his hair behind his ear and mumbles something about needing a trim. Or not.

Jinki doesn't hear it. All he does is staring into her eyes and starts to tell himself that it's weird wanting to kiss your twelve years of a bestfriend who happens to have a gender identity crisis, right ?

Right ?

 

"Well, go ahead." Gwiboon suddenly says.

"Huh ?" Jinki is dumbfounded.

"You say you want to kiss me ?"

"Huh ? Well..." Jinki frowns then looks at her little smile, before dares himself to ask doubtfully "Yeah ?"

"Yeah." She says quietly.

 

Jinki takes a deep breath and lifts his hand, before slipping his fingers through her hair, then slowly leaning in, taking in a whiff of the smell of the rose as he carefully presses his lips on her.

The kiss is slow and unsure, like treading a dark path, like trying to find a puzzle piece that fit, like knowing your bestfriend but sometimes not. But it gives them a nice tingling, toes-curling feeling, nonetheless.

 

When they pull apart, Jinki is a little dazed and confused. But Gwiboon has a little mirth in her eyes. Like she knows it would happen. It has to happen.

Then she smiles so widely, that he smiles too.

Then they start to laugh so loud their stomachs hurt.

Then Gwiboon announces that she's hungry and they decide to order out pizza.

(But before it, Jinki makes her agree on an oath not to complain and keep pecking him about calories and carbs and weight gain later.)

*

 

I want to start transition. Kibum would tell him later. 

Jinki would say Okay, dropping his hand from Kibum's face, raising his eyebrows a little, Are you sure ?

Kibum would give him a nod and a firm yes. Because it's a big deal. And he knows it.

And because there'd be more darker days than not.

The ridiculing, the coming out, the cold rejection, the I know you need attention, Kibum-ah, but please not now, I have too much works in hand then the little wheels on the concrete, the hurried knocks in the dead of night, the I can't do this anymore, I need to go, I have some savings.

Jinki would say Fine, let's get to it and hold his--and her--hand along the way.

Because Kibum could be anyone he in' wants to be. Anyone that he is.

 

And because Jinki loves Kibum and Gwiboon and everything else in between.

---

 

(*not to be confused with transual. Because transual is about who you're attracted with, who you go to bed with, while transgender is more about who you are as a person, who you go to bed as)