In Loving Memory

*Songs I listen to when writing: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ruP672bL8eA&list=RDruP672bL8eA

Baekhyun is pulled out of his thoughts when he feels a kiss placed upon his temple, eyes closing instantaneously as he cherishes the feel of Sehun’s lips on his skin. His eyes hurt, swollen from crying and his fingers are still trembling. He’s afraid and his heart races against his chest. He frowns up at the taller boy, couldn’t help the tear that rolls down his cheek. His head hurts more than his heart does and he doesn’t know whether to scold Sehun or wrap him in his arms. He doesn’t know what to do.

His breathing stutters when Sehun cups a hand over his cheek and Baekhyun’s lips quivered as his throat constricted, another sob threatening to leave him. He leans into Sehun’s hand, closes his eyes again and pictures of the times they spent together, wishing he could have a replay of those memories over again. It feels almost like a terrible dream and Baekhyun wonders if he is asleep. He almost wishes he is if not for the pain that wreck at his chest, proof enough that he is wide awake. A sob escapes him and the sound isn’t foreign; he has been crying for the past hour he wonders if he will ever run out of tears to shed. He cups his own hand over Sehun’s that is on his cheek, turning slightly to kiss his palm.

Baekhyun is afraid to speak but he must. He opens his eyes and looks into Sehun’s warm ones, taking the hand to squeeze it in his own. He parts his lips to speak, not bothered even as his voice cracks. “You can’t leave me, Sehun. You promised you wouldn’t leave. I won’t let you leave.”

Sehun releases a breath, eyes breaking away from Baekhyun’s to stare at the ground and then their clasped hands. His own lips quivered, Baekhyun notices, and he continues to search for Sehun’s eyes until Sehun looks up again. A lone tear falls down Sehun’s cheek and Baekhyun watches him hastily wipes it away. “It’s beyond my control, hyung. I would never break the promises I made to you.”

The older lets another sob leave his lips, his tears once again flowing freely. “But I’m not ready to let you go. We talked about staying with the group for as long as we could, Sehun. We talked about growing old together, even if it wouldn’t be with the group, it would be just you and me. Did you forget?”

“No, of course not.” Sehun shakes his head, sniffling. “I do remember them. I remember every meaningful thing we’ve talked about. Growing old with you, holding your hand and loving you as much as I can; I remember them, hyung.”

“Then fight for it,” Baekhyun snaps, couldn’t help getting a little angry. “Fight for us, Sehun. Am I not worth it? Would you leave me to cry every morning for your absence? I can’t do it, Sehun.”

Both Sehun’s hands cupped Baekhyun’s cheeks this time, and the intensity of their gazes almost made Baekhyun want to give in and let Sehun go. But he couldn’t; he knows he couldn’t. “It’s not what I want. Please believe me, Baekhyun. Leaving you is not my choice. I would never let you wake up alone and leave you to cry every time you wake. I could never do that.”

Baekhyun thinks about the years they’ve gone through together, each private moment precious to both him and Sehun. There were tears and there were laughter, anger and pride and every one of them shared among the members. There were so much pain but he also knows of the happiness, of the times they all held each other in the times of need. It would never be the same if Sehun leaves too, not after he promised that he wouldn’t. But Baekhyun also thinks about the reason Sehun gave for having to go and he guesses he couldn’t keep Sehun even if he had to. Baekhyun sobs harder, knowing he’s at a loss in this situation with nothing more to say but cry again, letting Sehun hold him close.

He buries his face into Sehun’s chest, lets his tears flow without wiping them away as he wraps his arms around Sehun’s slim waist and squeezes, doesn’t want to let go. He hiccups, breathes in the scent that Sehun carries and memorizes it in his head. “I love you so much, Sehun.”

Perhaps it is too late to say it, but he knows he would regret it later if he didn’t. They have shared kisses not once or twice, shared the same bed more than multiple times, poured their hearts out together into their palms and wept in each other’s arms for days, weeks, months. Baekhyun knows who his heart belongs to, even after he kept it to himself for so long. He knows who he longs for whenever they’re apart, knows whose name comes up first in his head when he goes to buy them snacks, knows whose face appears behind closed lids. Sehun might not be there all the time, but Baekhyun loves him.

Baekhyun loves Sehun the most.

He pulls away slightly to look into Sehun’s eyes once again, the latter’s brows knitted in a confused frown. “I’ve loved you for so long. I need you to know that it’s difficult for me to let you go. We’ve spent so many years together. You’re a part of who I am now. I’m in love with you, and even though you will not be here anymore, I will still be in love with you. I will always be in love with you.”

Sehun is crying freely now as he nods and though he doesn’t say the words Baekhyun craves to hear, there’s a weight that lifted off his chest after saying what he did. Sehun just needed to know that. “Baekhyun, inside the drawer next to my bed, there’s a stack of letters I wrote not too long ago. I want you to give them to the other hyungs when I’m gone. Can you do that for me?”

Baekhyun nods, closing his eyes when Sehun leans down to kiss him on the lips. Their mingled tears tasted salty on his tongue and Sehun’s heart beat loudly against Baekhyun’s chest. He lets his fingers slip through Sehun’s black hair, memorizes the soothing feel against his skin as he kisses Sehun back with fervour. His heart tears and cries with him and even though it isn’t yet goodbye, it hurts just the same. It would come eventually and then he would have to watch Sehun leave.

He would have to wake up every morning crying for the loss of the one who still has his heart.

He finds the letters just where Sehun had said it would be, sitting at the edge of the bed Sehun used to sleep on. The room is dark despite the sun he knows is shining outside and the silence pecked at him like a knife poking at his heart. Lonely doesn’t even begin to describe the feeling in his chest, even though ten of his beloved brothers waited outside in the living room, waiting for him to come back out. He settles on the bed quietly, slowly, as he takes the stack of letters from inside the drawer. He clutches it close to his chest, wills for his tears to go away but they roll down his cheeks anyway when he blinks.

Baekhyun takes another ten minutes staying in the room, accompanied by only his tears and the broken pieces of his heart. When he’s sure that he’s calmed down enough, Baekhyun brings the letters out to the living room where the others are seated. Their eyes are on him as soon as he steps out of the room, each pair of eyes swollen and red from the tears they, too, shed. Baekhyun takes a seat on the couch next to Chanyeol, who immediately wraps an arm around his shoulders. He places the letters on Chanyeol’s lap, and the taller, slightly confused, begins to read it aloud for all to hear.

“Minseok hyung,

I don’t know how to begin to describe how grateful I am to have known you and have you in my life. There are so many great things in this world that you made me see, that if you don’t point out I wouldn’t have known. You taught me how to be a good person even though you always assured me that I already am. I look for you for words because I wanted to be better, I wanted to be like you.

I wanted to be able to smile when I have to and cry when I can. I wanted to be like the person you are, strong yet never void of weaknesses. And I’m sorry that my promises to be a better person could not be fulfilled and that I failed to show you just how much you’ve taught me.

You once told me that love is always worth it, even if it isn’t to others. Do you remember the night I told you about the boy who stole my heart? You smiled then, no disgusted faces, no spiteful remarks. You smiled and told me I have to go for it, that if I love someone, I have to forget what the world might think and do what my heart tells me. I was going to, hyung. I really was. I was going to tell him.

But how could I tell him only to leave him later?

I couldn’t. But thank you. Thank you because what you told me made me realize that I needed to spend my time with him, as much as I could. So I did. Thank you, hyung, for accepting me for who I am and for telling me to do what my heart has always wanted to do. Thank you so much. I love you.

Luhan hyung,

Pain never used to feel so terrible until I woke up one day to find you gone. I was angry and upset, but I was lonelier because you were the shoulder I leaned on whenever I needed it. You were the ears that listened to my stupid rants and my ridiculous stories, my lame jokes. You were the eyes that looked out for me when I had my back turned to the world, the hands that kept me up when I almost fall. You have always been right next to me since the very beginning. When you left, I had no reason.

You promised you would never leave me behind and I was angry to find out, from someone else and not yourself, that you couldn’t keep your promise. But my anger was only short-lived; I became upset. There were days that I don’t talk to anyone at all because no one is you or can ever be the same as you. But then I realized that it’s okay, that you must have your own reason, even if I could never understand.

Thank you, for the times that you’ve held me up and listened to me. Thank you for being the brother I could depend on, for being the friend I could talk to. Without you, I don’t think I would be where I am now. And hyung? You told me two nights before you left that the boy I love is so lucky to have me, yet so oblivious of my feelings for him. And you told me that it would work out. To this day, I still remember your promise. And I tell myself that every time I feel like it is going nowhere.

Thank you so much. I love you, Lu-ge. I love you a lot.

Kris hyung,

Do you remember the time you once told me that no matter what happens, I'll always be your brother and that you will always be mine? Do you remember that time when I was close to tears and you squeezed my hand and told me that it's okay, that the joy of afterwards will overweigh the pain and hardship? That somehow, someway, you'll always be here? I remember them like I remember my name and I hold on to them every day, even now, weeks and months of waking up knowing I wouldn't find you in the next room or under the same roof. I remember them even when you’re miles away from us.

You were the first to promise, and then the first to leave. Could it be that, along the way, you decided that your promise became a burden? And that leaving is the only way to lift the weight off your shoulders? Perhaps you had your own dreams to live up to, dreams without the rest of us and we could and would never stop you from achieving them, but it pained us still to see you leave.

We didn’t even get to say goodbye, did we?

I still love you and I still remember every hello and every goodbye you’ve ever said, wondered which the last was. But most of all, I remember the words that you said to me. I remember your deep laughter as you tell me that everything will be okay, and if it doesn’t get better, you will make it okay.

I remember them all, so thank you. Because even though you broke the biggest promise you ever made, you still kept the little ones that meant almost as much. I love you, hyung. I really do.

Joonmyeon hyung,

You were smiling so happily on stage earlier today, who would have guessed you cried on my shoulder when everyone else is asleep and those thoughts came to bother your sleepless mind? You said you couldn’t go on and be the strong leader everyone expects you to be, you said you were too weak to hold such a huge responsibility. Hyung, do you know how wrong you were when you said that? You’re one of the strongest people I have ever had the fortune to meet. And I look up to you, as an idol, a member of the group, a leader and as a person. I think I could never be as strong as you have always been.

Thank you for being such an amazing person. You have a beautiful soul. Your kindness should be known to the world, your sacrifices should be acknowledged and appreciated. You are loved by many. And never, ever, once believe that you failed as a leader, because if you had, we are not here today. I may not be here now, as you read this, but I’m sure you will keep the group together. Didn’t we promise?

If you can’t keep the promise, it’s okay. If you think you can’t do it anymore, it’s okay. If you think that everyone, including yourself, will be happier if you part, it’s okay. But hyung, we are one, right? We always had been and always will be, even if I’m no longer there and Kris hyung is away while Luhan hyung lives his dreams separately. I believe you will know what is best for all of us.

Thank you, hyung. I love you.

Yixing hyung,

Wonderful doesn’t even begin to describe you as a human being. Your laughter should spread through the world like the good kind of virus, your heart’s purity should be shared with every single individual so there would be no hate in this universe. You are not a saint or an angel, but you smile like an angel and you love like a saint. You make mistakes along the way, but who doesn’t? Who doesn’t make mistakes? Everyone does, hyung. But you… Your whole purpose is to spread kindness.

Please don’t ever let the words of those who hate let it stop you from being who you are. You once told me that I shouldn’t listen to what the people have to say about my lack of abilities, just as long as I tried my best. I have it imprinted in my heart, something I will remember forever. I strive to be the best I could, and sometimes more than I could be that it tires me out. But you stood right behind me, told me to go on when you know I can and told me to stop when you know I’ve reached my limit.

How could I ever forget such an amazing thing?

How could I ever forget you?

You come up to me during our shows just to whisper into my ear that I’m doing great. And it’s those little things that tell me I can do it, that I’m doing just fine even though it feels as though I’m about to collapse. Thank you, for taking time to make sure I know I did well. Thank you, for pushing me forward and stopping me from doing too much. Thank you for being you. I love you, hyung.

Jongdae hyung,

Where do I begin? Do I start from the very first time you asked me if I was feeling well or that time when you wiped away the disgusting things I’d thrown up all over the floor with your jacket and cleaned my mouth with your bare hands? Do I remind you of the time you tucked me into bed and stayed with me until I sleep, or the other time when you wiped me with wet cloth because I was too weak to move for a shower? I want to do the same for you but I never had the chance. I could never thank you enough for taking care of me and my well-being. Thank you so much.

Jongdae hyung, you told me once, while I was in bed after puking out my guts and I asked you why you’re willing to do what you just did, that it doesn’t matter because you love me. You told me you would do the same if it was Minseok hyung, or Jongin or Joonmyeon hyung, because you love us. And I was thinking then, that I have never met anyone as full of love as you. I know you cried when you thought I was asleep and I know you cried not because you were sad, but because you have us.

We should be the one crying happy tears because we have you, hyung.

We have you.

We will always have you, won’t we?

Thank you so much. We love you. I love you.

Chanyeol hyung,”

As soon as Chanyeol says his own name, Baekhyun could hear him pause a little too long and he looks up to see the taller male wiping at his cheeks, sobbing as he squinted to read through the tears that welled in his eyes and rolled down his face. Baekhyun’s head hurts as he waits for Chanyeol to continue, unable to do anything but watch as Kyungsoo wraps an arm around Chanyeol’s shoulders to calm him. Jongdae is somewhere off to the side with Joonmyeon holding him, while the others scattered all over the living room, but close enough to hear Chanyeol reading the letters.

It is only when he’s calmer, fifteen minutes later, that he finally continues;

“Chanyeol hyung,

Most of my days are filled with joy and happiness because of you. You laugh at the littlest things, always the one who sees the brighter side. You are happiness itself. What could one do without you, hyung? You tease us like it’s a hobby and sometimes your words get a little harsh, but never, ever to me. I’m your precious maknae, am I not, hyung? I think you told me that before in your sleep. I will remember it for as long as I shall live. You are my precious hyung too. Always, always precious to me.

You are so amazing in ways that I could never list down enough because there are too many. Sometimes I wondered if I wasn’t here, would it make a huge difference like it would if you were to leave. You are the life that holds us together, the voice that keeps us going. I’m so sorry for ever feeling envious of you. You are so talented; you dance like the light, sing like an angel, rap like you were born to. You blend well with your characters when filming, play the guitar and the piano and write songs.

I was envious, at some point, because while you could do all that, I could only dance. And well, rap a little. But I don’t come up with words like you do, my fingers don’t move as smoothly as yours along the strings of the guitar or across the keys of the piano. And… sometimes… I think I don’t make Baekhyun hyung smile and laugh as much as you naturally do. I was a kid, I get jealous.

But now that I think about it, I’m actually really proud to call you my hyung. I know you will go far; your talents could bring you anywhere. And your ability to make Baekhyun hyung happy will make me happy. So please keep doing what you do, please stay as who you are. You are so amazing, so loved. If I could love you for the people who failed to see the good in you, I would. I really would.

Thank you, for being who you are. For protecting me when you could. I love you, hyung.

Kyungsoo hyung,

You and me are almost similar in a way, aren’t we? We are both terrible when it comes to showing affections, maybe that’s why we show it mostly to each other, because you understand me in a way no one else could and I somehow understand you. When I beat myself over the things I know I should have said but didn’t, I seek for you because you know how terrible it feels while the others only told me not to bother too much. You tell me that it happens, that sometimes we just run out of words to say.

I remember the nights that we spent just sitting next to each other, wordless yet spilling with so much emotions that couldn’t be said in words. You turn to smile at me and I smile back because I knew what you were telling me through your eyes. We read each other like a book. There were no need to say anything aloud, just you and me on a very silent night. So thank you, for putting up with me and for staying up until you’re sure I fall asleep first. Thank you for making sure I am okay.

You were never the type to really say anything but I know you cared in the way you come up to me once in a while just to ask how I was doing. If I was silent, you’d know I’d had a terrible day. If I smiled, you smiled too because you knew I had a great day. You’re amazing like that, you know?

So thank you. Thank you so much. I love you a lot.

Tao,

If I was to list out every moment of which you made me laugh, the letter would never end.

You needed me in a lot of ways that I feared I cannot be, but I try and sometimes I think you were even better to me than I ever was to you. You have a lot of good in you that not many people could truly see. I see it because I stand next to you, sleep next to you, sit next to you and listened to every word you said to me, even though sometimes I could hardly understand as you speak through tears. And then in turn, you watch me cry and listen to me the way I listened to you. But while I only patted your shoulder, you take me into your arms and tell me it will be okay. Will it be okay now, Tao?

Will it be okay now that you haven’t been here with us for so long?

I miss you. I miss laughing with you. And I miss going out with you. I miss telling you how tired I am, and I miss taking videos of us lying in bed and complaining about how exhausted we are. It’s funny how I never knew if you were staying or if you’re leaving, like Kris hyung and Luhan hyung. A part of me wishes you aren’t but the other part of me is willing to let you go and live your dreams.

I hope you know that you are important to me. I miss you and I love you. It feels empty without you.

Jongin,

Someone asked me, not too long ago, about my best friend. There were a lot of faces in my head because all of our members are my best friends, nothing less. But the image that stayed the longest is your face, swimming through a dozen other images and screaming at me to say your name. And I smiled because you didn’t have to tell me for me to know. You’re my best friend, Jongin. The one who stayed through all these years and the one who never forgets to show me just how much you care.

We’ve been through so much together that it would be impossible for anything to break us apart. Only death shall, we promised. Perhaps now, as you read this, the reason I am no longer by your side is the only thing that could separate us. I’m sorry that I couldn’t stay longer. I had really wanted to.

I’ve known you the longest among the others and when I wanted to give up in the beginning, before we even started, you told me that I’ve gone so far to give up. You pulled me with you and we ran together, for the dreams we both shared. Thank you, for bringing me with you when I wanted to let you go alone. Thank you, for telling me I shouldn’t stop halfway. Thank you, for always being there for me.

I love you so much, man. I’m so sorry for everything I’ve ever said to hurt you, and I know I did.

I will miss you. I will miss you a lot.

My Baekhyun hyung,

They say the stars shine the brightest at night, but all I could see were your eyes bringing the stars to shame when you laid next to me and in my arms. In my dreams, we spent years as lovers and days of me telling you that I love you. But with my fear of what people think, I let my dreams stay in my sleep. I should have told you that I love you, should have taken your hand and kissed them and looked into your eyes every time you smiled at me. The world made sense, I had a reason to be alive.

I spent way too much time avoiding you and never returning your affections. I look away whenever you look at me even though I fall in love with you every time you smile. There isn’t any day that you’ve gone by without showing me just how much you care, and all I did was to brush you away. I’m sorry, for hurting you because I never wanted to. Hurting you is the last thing I’d ever want.

I know that we’ve spent months, years side by side. Your kisses are the softest and your touch the most caring. I crave them much like I crave to breathe and when we lay in bed together, I think you turned my universe into a whole new place. I love you, I wanted to say after every kiss but I didn’t and it’s something I regret so deeply because now it’s too late, isn’t it? Now it’s too late.  

You are so beautiful, hyung. I don’t think I said this enough.

You told me that you love me, that you’re in love with me and I wanted to tell you the same. But it would be unfair if I did, only to leave you. I can’t hold you anymore and I can’t be the shoulder for you lean on to. I’m sorry I couldn’t be the one you could depend on anymore, I’m sorry I haven’t really been there for you. I’m sorry I couldn’t do the same for you as you did for me. You were always there whenever I needed someone, even though I wasn’t looking for you. You held me like I’m the most precious to you and kissed my tears away when I cried. I’m so sorry, hyung.

Whenever we stand on stage in front of our amazing fans, you’d turn to me and smile and I knew then that you’re happy. And it’s wonderful that everyone in the stadium could see you like that, could see you happy and happy sometimes because of me. I wonder if they knew you smiled because of me.

I love you so much. If I could stay, I really would. We promised to grow old together, didn’t we? I’m sorry we had to break it. I’m sorry for a lot of things, but I’m not sorry for being in love with you.

I miss you already, even though you’re right here next to me while I write this. I will miss your kisses and your voice, the light in your eyes and the snort in your laughter. I will miss all of you.

Thank you for loving me. I will always be in love with you, hyung. Always.

They say every hello ends with a goodbye and I guess it is time for me to go.

I love you, each and every one of you.

Your maknae,

Sehun.”

Baekhyun bursts into a fit of tears and sobs just as soon as Chanyeol finishes, chest heavy and throat constricting as he cried into his hands. There were no arms that wrap around him this time for every soul in the room sits by himself to cry alone. Baekhyun takes a deep breath, the words Sehun had written to him repeating in his head. He uncovers his face and, with a blurry vision, takes a look around him. He wonders how they would ever move forward with such a loss, wonders how he would ever heal from this pain. To end everything would only disappoint Sehun, but the idea of carrying on makes Baekhyun sick. How is he to stand on stage, an empty space next to him, and smile at their fans?

How is he to stand there with Minseok to his right, knowing Sehun should be to his left but not seeing him there anymore? How is he to face the audience that carried Sehun’s banner to support him even in his absence? How is Baekhyun to cope without breaking down in the middle of the stage?

It’s impossible to go on without Sehun. Baekhyun would no doubt forget that Sehun isn’t there anymore, and he’d turn around as he usually does to smile at Sehun, tell him he’s happy just by looking into his eyes only to find an empty space where Sehun used to stand. How is Baekhyun expected not to cry?

That night, Joonmyeon makes sure everyone is tucked into bed, including Luhan and Kris and Tao, who shared the spare room in the dorm. Baekhyun finds himself on the bed Sehun used to sleep on, curling himself up into a ball as he rereads the letters Sehun had written. The bedsheets smelled like Sehun and Baekhyun couldn’t help the tears that he still shed; Sehun’s scent something he already begins to miss.

He hugs Sehun’s pillow to his chest and laid awake for hours.

In his dreams, Sehun smiles and Sehun tells him the three words he only got to write on paper. Baekhyun cries again when he wakes because the pain is fresher, like a knife cutting over the wound that hasn’t even begin to heal. Baekhyun cries into Sehun’s pillow, sleeps again in hopes of meeting Sehun in his dreams and wakes up in a lot more tears than before. Somewhere outside, he could hear Luhan sobbing and sometimes Jongdae. But Jongin stays on the bed next to Sehun’s, still and unmoving.

Baekhyun doesn’t know how to wake up from this nightmare.

A/N: I don't know if this is considered OT12? I think so? Anyways, hope you enjoyed reading. I was just emo bc I was watching OT12 vids ;;