In A Heartbeat

Heartbeat. Pulsation of the heart. Such a miraculous sound. The melody of life, ever changing yet forever constant. The continuous thumping: a reminder to never give up as life will always go on. In the night, only the sound of her heart contrasts the stillness of the night.

Heartbeats are a reflection of life. The rapid thumping of the first kiss. The swift thumping of the first kiss. The steady thumping of the relaxing night where they just sat together watching the night unfold. The hurried thumping of anticipation while waiting for his call. The heavy thumping in realization that he isn’t.

Everything has happened so fast yet so slowly that neither of them noticed when things had began to change. They started spending more nights apart than together. She got used to waiting for him. It became a part of her life. She would wait while he toured the world. Their hearts no longer beat in that crazy rhythm. What caused them to change? What caused their heartbeats to slow again when seeing each other? Was it because they didn’t spend enough time together? Were their feelings extinguishing with time? Geun Young no longer knew. They didn’t spend enough time together anymore for her to tell.

Didn’t someone say that absence is more powerful than presence? She believed this with all her heart. She viewed their separation as a test thy must pass to be together forever.

Did she not put enough effort into this relationship? Did she do something wrong that he treats her this way? They didn’t argue and they didn’t fight. Oh how she wish they did. How she wished he would fight with her so they could argue. Only when they fought could they reconcile. They didn’t have any problems as far as she could tell, so why did this separation seem so everlasting?

No one had brought her such happiness. And no one had given her such pain. On the table, she saw the piece of paper that changed her life forever. Whether it will be for better or for worse, she didn’t know. The letter had come last week. And she had gotten accepted.

Her eyes wandered to their third anniversary picture on the coffee table. It was one of the most memorable days of her life. It was the day she knew she wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. And he had thought the same. That was the day he asked her to move in with him. Maybe… maybe that was their . And everything went downhill from there. “How is it that one piece of paper can change my life so drastically?”

When she received the letter, she was ecstatic. Her dream was to go to Oxford. And she had achieved it. But why at this time? Why didn’t it come earlier when their love was at its boiling point? She could’ve left knowing he’d be there when she returned. Why now when their love was simmering down? She no longer knew what would happen if she left.

She had called him the moment she received the letter. Donghae had always been the first one she wanted to share any news with. In the stillness of the night, the only sound audible was not the rhythmic ticking of the clock but the brisk thumping of her heart. And in the end, he never called. She texted him many times thereafter and he had returned none. He never went this long without contacting her.

Her heart continued to thump wildly in her chest. Was he safe? Was he eating on time? Was he getting enough sleep?

And the biggest question in her mind: did she still hold a place in his heart?

--

By the time Geun Young got home, it was nearly 11 o’clock. But if anyone had asked her what she did today, she wouldn’t be able to answer them. The last thing she remembered was she had an appointment this morning and everything thereafter was a blur. She could vaguely remember walking around the city aimlessly and answering any questions people asked her but she didn’t put any thought into her actions. Her mind was unable to take in any new information. She just had too many things on her mind.

Geun Young never did like to imagine what her future would be like. She didn’t like the unknown nor did she like being unsure. She liked the feeling of her feet on the ground just as she liked stability. Her future would come in its own time and she didn’t believe that fussing over it now would make any difference. Now all of her dreams were being achieved one by one. She should be happy, but she wasn’t. Each of these achievements only brought her more insecurity. What was going to happen now? She had decided that she was going to Oxford no matter what. She wasn’t about to put off her dream because of a single relationship. Plus, if Donghae really loved her then he would understand and support her decision. And if he didn’t, then maybe he just wasn’t the right guy. But the appointment this morning proved to be another complication. She knew that it was a blessing, but did it really have to come at this time?

Donghae, she really missed him. Pulling out her laptop, she opened her picture folder containing her and Hae’s pictures from over the years. She even had various journal entries from when she had the time to write them. She was never the journaling type; that is until she met Donghae. Meeting him had been confusing and exciting at the same time. She was flustered, disappointed, surprised, joyful, morose, angry, any feeling that she could possibly think of, Geun Young had felt at one point in this relationship. She had felt the attraction the very first time she saw him smile. It was so carefree, so confident and so beautiful. They became friends and then lovers. She learned to love him and then love herself more. She learned the difference between tears of joy and tears of sorrow. They had their ups and downs and they too had almost broken up more than a couple of times. But she didn’t regret any of this and she doubted that she ever would. She had learned so much from Hae from over the years and she loved him for that. Geun Young never imagined that she’d be able to love anyone so much nor could she ever dream that he would fall in love with her. They were so different from each other and maybe that was what kept them together. They fit like two pieces of a puzzle, complimenting each other without either of them having to put much effort into thinking about it.

When she got to the end of the entries and photos, she saw a video file. “I don’t remember taking any videos,” she muttered to herself. She didn’t like watching herself and it was only for Donghae that she even took pictures. The time they were able to spend together was so limited that pictures and journal entries were the only way they could keep the other informed about what was happening in their daily lives. The file was called “From My Heart to Yours” and it was created just a month ago.

The moment the file was opened, Geun Young was greeted with Donghae’s vibrant smile. The sun was just beginning to rise in the window behind him and he was still in his pajamas. “Hey baby~ If you’re watching this then that means that you are missing me and that you still love me!” he smiled cutely. His eyes twinkled warmly and it made her heart flutter. “But at the same time, that probably means that I’m not by your side and we haven’t seen each other in a while. I’m really sorry to you that we can’t be like other ordinary couples who can see each other whenever we want but I want you to know that I love you and being away from you is even harder for me cause I’m not by your side to protect you and take care of you and comfort you and shower you with love and kisses. And you’re such a beautiful and amazing person that I constantly have to worry about other guys hitting on you and what if you suddenly fall in love with him cause I’m not there or what if he’s better than I am?”

His forehead started creasing with every word he said which made her whisper, “Babo, who could be a better you?”

Donghae sighed to calm himself down. “I know that there are times that you really need me and I won’t be able to be there for you. And that’s the part that kills me inside. I want to be there for you just like I know that you’ll be there for me. I’m really grateful to you for putting up with me and supporting me to become a singer or else I probably wouldn’t be where I am right now. I know during the time we’ve been together, I haven’t been able to give you much. I’m working really hard right now so that I can give us a better future. And one thing that I can promise you is that I love you. Each day more than the day before. Ever since the first time I saw you, I said to myself: ‘That’s her. The girl that I want to spend the rest of my life with.’

“I also know that there are times that I don’t answer your calls or call you back, but I want you to know that it’s not because I don’t want to talk to you. God, you don’t even know how much I want to be able to hear your voice and hold you in my arms every day. It’s just that certain days, by the time I get back to the hotel, I’m dead tired. I want to talk to you but it’s already really late into the night and I don’t want to wake you. I also don’t want you to hear me and then have to worry about me.

“I have a flight to catch this morning, so I have to leave soon, but I wanted to tell you so many things but you just looked too adorable to wake up and I know that you stayed up late last night to study for your exams so I decided to make this video instead. That way I can tell you everything that I’ve been wanting to tell you and you can rewatch this if you ever miss me when I’m not able to be by your side. Moon Geun Young, you’re the only person I’ll ever be able to imagine spending the rest of my life with. No matter whether I’m by your side or not, I want you to know that I love you more than you’ll ever know and more than words are able to express. Just know that no matter what happens, I’ll always be here for you and you’re the only one in my heart.” He smiled gently at her before turning off the camera.

Even when the video was over, Geun Young was still warm from his words. This video gave her the courage to continue this relationship. The strength to face the unsure future. The power to carry on. She knew that her acceptance to Oxford and her appointment this morning will not break their relationship but only strengthen it. Despite their separation, she knew that he loved her and always will. Just this fact was enough for her. Taking out her phone, she saw Donghae smile at her. “What if he’s still practicing? Maybe I should just text him,” she mused as she tapped her phone on her chin. Nodding, she typed in two words and pressed ‘Send’. “I wonder how he’ll react to my text,” she smiled.

--

The moment she received the news that Donghae was back, Geun Young was elated. Even though the call had been from his manager and not him, she wasn’t deterred. The enthusiasm and ease his video created for her hadn’t worn off yet. She had decided that she would surprise him at the SME building where his manager told her he’d be at cause Lee Soo Man wanted to talk to him.

Waiting in his practice room, she felt the butterflies dancing in her stomach. She hadn’t felt this nervous in such a long time. Whether it was because this was going to be the first time she’d see him in nearly two months or she was waiting to see his reaction to her news, she didn’t know. All she knew was that she was glad he was back. The word miss wouldn’t justify how she longed to see him and hear his voice.

Just then, the door flew open and in walked the man she’s been longing to see. Geun Young stood up and a smile formed on her lips without her even thinking about it. The moment their eyes met, all seemed to be right in the world. Her heartbeat quickened as she felt her legs gravitate towards him. Before she knew what happened, she felt Donghae’s arms around her and her arms around his neck. “You’re back,” she whispered as her eyes closed, taking in all of the emotions filling her heart and mind.

He pulled back after a while and smiled weakly, “What are you doing here?”

His expression was a bit off but she couldn’t place what it was. “I wanted to see you. I haven’t been able to contact you in a while so when I heard that you came back, I came to see you.”

He nodded and took her hand. “Let’s go sit down.”

She nodded and he led her over to the sofa in the corner. When they sat down, Donghae took both of her hands into his and them with his thumb. While he was looking down at their entwined hands, she was looking at him. His skin was tanner but the bags under his eyes were even more visible and she knew he wasn’t getting enough rest. His face was a bit thinner which made her worry whether he was eating enough. “How was the concert?” she asked after awhile.

He looked up when he heard her voice and there was this flicker of emotion that she couldn’t recognize in his eyes. “The concert was a huge success I guess.”

“You must’ve been really busy then.”

“Yeah, there’s a lot to take care of since we have another one in about two weeks,” he sighed, his handing coming up and messing up his hair. Her heart clenched hearing the tiredness in his voice. Seeing the worry in her eyes, he smiled lightly at her as his hand came up to caress her cheek. “I’m fine, don’t worry.”

She nodded at him and rested her head on his shoulder as he shifted his body to wrap his arms around her. They just sat there in silence enjoying each other’s company as time continued to pass. The beat of their hearts was the only sound they were able to hear and she couldn’t have wished it to be any other way. But each steady beat of her heart was followed by another staccato beat. It created a nagging feeling inside of her that she couldn’t seem to push away. She knew he was tired but wasn’t there anything else he wanted to say to her? Since he walked in, everything he said seemed to only be a response to her. But the two pieces of news that she wanted him to talk about, he didn’t even touch on.

After what felt like eternity, she lifted herself up and turned to look at him. “Isn’t there anything you want to tell me?”

He looked away from her as he thought and when he looked back at her, he asked, “Is there something I should be telling you?”

Her heart dropped when she heard his response. Her brisk heartbeat echoed his words. She breathed out and even that air felt cold. “Didn’t you… didn’t you get my message?’

“Geun Young, you call me really often, which message are you talking about?”

Why did even her name sound foreign when it slipped off his tongue? “Yes, I’ve called you a lot lately but you didn’t seem to take the hint to call me back,” she scoffed.

Instead of the pair of warm chocolate eyes she was used to seeing, but rather cold onyx stared back at her. “I’ve been busy preparing for the concert. I don’t have the time to call you back every time you text or call me!”

Before she knew it, Geun Young was standing up yelling, “I don’t expect you to call or text me every day but you can at least text me once in a while to let me know how you’re doing! What if I had been in an accident and I was calling you for help? I would’ve died cause you’re too busy to listen to my calls or even call me back!”

“But you’re live and well right now aren’t you?” Donghae shouted as he too sprung up from his seat. “Why the heck are you even getting upset about this? It’s not like anything important happened.”

It’s not like anything important happened… It’s not like anything important happened…Those words knocked the air out of her lungs. “It’s not like anything important happened?” Geun Young breathed out as her eyes searched his in hope to see he was joking. Her acceptance to the school of her dreams wasn’t anything important. The text she sent him a week ago wasn’t anything important. “So that text I sent you wasn’t anything important?”

“It’s one text. I don’t see why you’re making such a big deal out of it.”

Her heart seemed to have stopped. Her whole body seemed to have gone numb. Or maybe it was because her whole body was shaking that she couldn’t feel her heart beat. She was still trying to make sense of what was happening. He didn’t care. Lee Donghae didn’t care. She could feel the tears forming in her eyes as the words soaked in. Through her tear brimmed eyes, she finally saw clearly the man in front of her. She was wrong. He wasn’t the guy. He wasn’t that guy. And so Geun Young refused to cry. She refused to cry over a guy who isn’t the one she’s going to spend the rest of her life with. Her mind told her to leave but her heart was telling her to give him another chance. Maybe he was just mistakening something.  It’s not that he didn’t care. Of course he cares. Why wouldn’t he care about her? “I’m gonna ask you one last time,” she took a deep breath, “do you have anything to say to me?”

He looked at her for a moment, unsure. But it passed so quickly that Geun Young didn’t know whether she was just imagining it or not. “No, I have nothing else to say to you.”

Geun Young let out a single laugh as her eyes darted back and forth, trying to make sense of what was going to become of her future. She needed to get out. She needed to get away. Oxford suddenly seemed like a dream, a paradise, a safe haven. She blinked and finally let the tears fall. But she wasn’t crying for him. She was crying for herself and she was crying for their love. She was crying as she realized that this was just all a dream. She was crying to celebrate the end of this fantasy. And she was crying as she knew that he just broke her heart and didn’t even realize it. She looked at him and smiled bitterly. She looked at him to take in his handsome face and to carve his person into her memory. The guy she gave her heart to without hesitation. And she doesn’t regret it. But… “Then I guess we have nothing left to say.”

She smiled at him one last time and walked out of the room. When he didn’t bother to stop her, she knew that her decision was made. Oxford, here she comes.

--

Donghae knew that he was being a jerk. But that didn’t stop him from being one to Geun Young. He wanted to chase after her but something was holding him back. Maybe it was his pride. Maybe it was because he thought that he should give her time to cool down. Maybe it was his temper refused to let him budge. But he didn’t understand why she made such a big deal out of a text. What was so important that she would argue with him about it? But she was right. What if it had been an accident and it was his last time to see her? Would he just miss his last chance to see her over one text like that? Would-

“Donghae!” a voice suddenly screamed into his ear.

“What!?!?!?” he said as he felt himself jump. He turned around to see it was his best friend, Eunhyuk. “Hyukie, why’d you scream in my ear?”

“Cause you were daydreaming again,” Eunhyuk answered, rolling his eyes. “What are you thinking about?”

“Nothing,” Donghae sighed.

“Riight. Of course I totally believe you that nothing’s wrong in your life.” Eunhyuk then cocked his head to the side, looking at his best friend, and then snapped. “Aha! Don’t tell me you argued with Geun Young again.” Hearing his girlfriend’s name, Donghae looked up but didn’t respond. “You did fight with her, didn’t you? You just got back a couple of days ago and you already fought with her?”

“Why are you saying that like it’s my fault?” Donghae asked, pointing a finger at himself.

“Cause it always is,” Eunhyuk responded, not missing a beat. Seeing his friend’s dejected look, Eunhyuk swung his arm over Donghae’s shoulder. “Come on, tell me what happened and I’ll help you fix this.”

“I don’t even know why I fought with her. I broke my phone during one of our practice sessions so I wasn’t able to contact Geun Young at all while we were on tour. And then the day I get back to Korea, Lee Soo Man decreed that I needed to come back and talk to him as soon as I got off the plane. When I get there, he yells at me for reasons I don’t even understand. And then when I get to the practice room, I find Geun Young waiting there for me. Seeing her was like seeing the light in the middle of a storm, it just reminded me of why I was working so hard in the first place. We sat down for a while and then started talking. I don’t even know how it happened but the next thing I knew, we were yelling at each other. I don’t know, maybe it was the stress or I was just angry to begin with, I just blew up on her. So she walked out and I didn’t stop her.”

“How long ago was this?”

“About four days ago. I just thought that it’d be better to let her calm down first and I really did need to calm down too”

A large gust of wind blew into the room. The duo looked up to see an enraged Seo Woo storming into the room yelling, “Lee Donghae, what did you do?”

Both guys stood up. “Seo Woo-“ Slap! Before Donghae could say another word, Seo Woo slapped him.

“What did you do to my best friend?”

“Seo Woo, what are you talking about?” Eunhyuk asked, putting a restraining arm on her.

“You ask him? What did he do to Geun Young that I came back to find out that she’s taking the next flight out of Korea to England?!?!?”

“England? Seo Woo, what are you talking about?” Donghae asked. “Why would Geun Young go to England?”

“Don’t tell me you didn’t know that she got accepted to Oxford? She told me a week ago that she was going to delay it a year or two from now but I just got a call from her saying that she’s leaving right now. What did you do?”

“She got accepted to Oxford?” Why didn’t she… Was this what she was talking about?

“You can’t seriously be telling me that you didn’t know. I know for a fact that Geun Young called you first when she found out she got accepted. And that was nearly a month ago. What did you do that caused her to take the next flight out of Korea and say that she’s not planning on coming back?”

The moment the words left Seo Woo’s mouth, Donghae’s legs took on a mind of their own and he was running out of the room as fast as his legs could take him. He could hear the voices screaming behind him but the only thing that mattered was getting his girlfriend back. She was going to England. And she wasn’t planning on coming back.

He was such a jerk. Geun Young’s words were on loop repeating in his head over and over.

Don’t you have anything to say to me?

Didn’t you… didn’t you get my message?

I’m going to ask you one last time: don’t you have anything to say to me?

“Baby, wait for me. Don’t go. I’m coming.”

Like a madman, Donghae weaved his car through the traffic. How he was able to get to the airport without getting a traffic ticket or killing anyone for that matter was beyond him. The moment he was in front of he airport, he jumped out of his car, not caring whether any of his fans would recognize him or not. The only thing on his mind was to find Geun Young. He ran through the crowd looking left and right, scanning for that one face that he dreams about every night. Running up and down the different stories, he only hoped to see that one face.

“Donghae! Donghae!” he turned around when he heard a female voice calling out to him. But disappointment set in when he saw it was just BoA and Eunhyuk.

“What are you doing here?” he asked them while his eyes were still searching the crowd.

“Eunhyuk told me you were here and that you needed your phone. I finally got it fixed for you and we rushed here,” she explained as she handed the phone over to Donghae.

Donghae immediately called Geun Young. “This is Moon Geun Young. I’m sorry that I’m not able to take your call right now-“ He angrily ran his fingers through his hair, messing it up, feeling the hot tears stinging his  eyes. He looked down at his phone and saw all of the missed calls and countless text messages with her picture on them. He opened the last one she sent and felt his legs give way underneath him. The phone fell out of his hands onto the ground next to him as her two words resonated in his ears:

I’m pregnant.