A/N: I was going to split this in two but I think it's better if you just read it straight through. Let's see if the swears are censored or not? Eh. Anyway, hope you enjoy. 

Luhan knows they are ed.

Kai’s face is all he needs to see to realize. It’s heartbreakingly vulnerable, filling with precisely everything Luhan loathes in the world. They flicker through his eyes one by one, mixing and smearing seamlessly together- shock (cyan), confusion (sienna), denial (honeydew). Anger (crimson).

Anguish.

Grief.

Kai’s mouth twists up as if he wants to say something, but then it slumps into a straight line and his face smoothes over, suddenly void of expression. .

He turns on his heel to walk out of the room and Luhan breaks, his voice coming out in a splitting cry. “Kai!”

Sehun grabs him from behind, panicked but firm, his voice way too steady. “Luhan, maybe you should let him-”

He ignores him. “Kai!” he shouts again, and breaks free of Sehun’s grasp in one savage movement. He’s known Jongin way too long for this . Grabbing his shirt from the ground, vague guilt filling his stomach at the motion, he forces it over his head and leaves Sehun’s protests behind. He catches the end of the door before it closes and speeds out into the cold, his breath hanging behind him in silent question as it hits the chilled air.

“Kai!” he screams into the winter night, and he sees Jongin’s agile form ahead of him, running, running from everything as if it would all disappear if he gets far away enough. Shit. . . He takes off after him, his feet and frozen against the snow, but the numbness doesn’t matter. He screams until his throat is raw and stops Kai at the street corner, launching for a shoulder and shoving him roughly against the brick walls of the apartment building. Kai is trembling beneath his hands, but he wears the same unmoving expression when Luhan places both palms on his chest and looks him in the eye. He’s gone (white).

He shivers beneath the flimsy t-shirt, feeling the tears slide down his cheeks.

“Kai.”

His best friend doesn’t answer, doesn’t even move. He stares at a point past Luhan’s head, and his eyes are wide. His fingers clench into fists. Luhan feels himself freeze because he knows what Kai is going to do, and a part of him wonders hysterically why he didn’t do it earlier, why he bothered to run the four blocks away from Sehun and Luhan if he was going to do this all along.

“I’m sorry,” Luhan whispers, wanting to say it before Kai inevitably disappears. He chokes it out, and then Kai winks away with a silent flurry and Luhan is left with his palms not against Kai’s warm chest but the brick wall behind him. He stands for a moment, tears dripping from his cheeks to the pavement below, and he realizes he can’t feel his feet.

He turns and walks home. 

-

They have only known each other for three weeks when Luhan places a hand over Jongin’s and smiles brightly, “Your aura is blush pink. You love me.”

At the time Jongin is too young to understand, but he supposes he agrees with Luhan’s statement in theory, so he nods and smiles. Luhan squeezes Jongin’s hand beneath his and laughs, “I love you too, Jongin.”

In a world where nothing is permanent, Jongin had never thought it would last, and in retrospect he guessed he had been right. At their school, it was understood that people would come and when asked, people would go. Luhan was remarkably lucky to even last through the program until he was ten years old; most children were gone before the age of eight. But the two of them grew and were never asked to leave, and suddenly Luhan was seventeen, Kai was fourteen, and it was mutually understood that they were now there for life.

There were only nine other students at that point who had made it past the age of thirteen. Their skills ranged in power and type, but Jongin and Luhan both knew that they were the rarer ones. Eleven was quite a small group, even for the school’s notoriously small turnout rate, but Sehun, an exquisitely talented wind guarder that it seemed a shame to hold back another year, made the twelfth.  

At first all dozen of them trained together. They were collectively taken to a different part of campus, and none of them would see the regular students ever again. It was the twelve and it would be that way from now until forever, no questions asked. Classes that ran from dawn till dusk quickly became routine for the trainees, and slowly they became friends. Jongin liked them all; he enjoyed their company and admired them for their powers. Everyone was unique.

Sehun, being the runt, was of course drawn to the other younger trainees. Thus he and Jongin proceeded to become best friends, Luhan was sort of automatically thrown into the friendship, and suddenly they were a trio. In those first few months this became painstakingly clear. No one dared question their loyalty to each other, and Jongin found a sort of comfort in this.

When they had all passed the age of fifteen- they had been waiting for Sehun and he had known it- the training swiftly became more intense. They were split in two. Although many of the trainees were extremely unhappy with this development, they didn’t dare say a word against it. Everyone was aware how blessed they had been. No one was willing to sacrifice his privilege because of a few lost companions.

For two months they train separately. At first it is torture, having Luhan gone, but slowly Sehun and Jongin begin to get used to the new arrangement. Jongin is moved into a room with Kyungsoo and they are immediate friends. Baekhyun and Chanyeol, who had previously never bothered with each other, are suddenly attached at the hip. On the other side, similar bonds form, and everyone is quite content, even with Sehun and Jongin irrefutably aware of their missing link.

When the two groups meet again many of them are assigned new, promotion-friendly names, hence Jongin becomes Kai. And it seems that Kai and Sehun are together with Luhan once more.

-

“I feel like I have to make you love me again,” Kai says half-jokingly at lunch. He sits with Luhan on one side, Sehun on the other, and Xiumin and D.O across from them three. It had taken Kai a while to get used to their new names, even his own, but now he refers to them as so without even thinking.

“What are you talking about?” Luhan laughs, the sound sweet and tinkling as ever.

“Remember?” Kai reminds him, briefly scared that Luhan really doesn’t remember, and he feels his heart stop for a second.

“Of course I do,” Luhan reassures him gently, and places a soft hand over his. “And don’t be silly. I never stopped.” He looks Kai in the eyes, a lopsided smile breaking across his face. “You love me,” he says playfully. “And I love you too, Jongin.”

At once all five trainees straighten and turn worriedly, and Luhan clasps a hand over his pink lips. “Kai,” he mends hastily, but their circle is still filled with tension for the next thirty seconds or so, shoulders stiff and eyes glancing fleetingly at the many supervisors.

“Blush pink,” Kai murmurs into a mouthful of protein bread a moment later, and Luhan gives him a barely perceptible nudge, acknowledging his recalled thought.

He is old enough now to understand. Blush pink. The colour of love.

-

“Do you love me, too?” Sehun asks him jocularly a few days later. They have just finished celebrating and Sehun is sleeping in Kai’s room that night. It is forbidden, but after their wildly successful debut showcase as the official legion ‘EXO’ that afternoon, the supervisors are all away and having important meetings back on campus. D.O agreed easily to be traded away, and Kai doesn’t really remember where he said he was going. It’s three in the morning, he and Sehun have been talking all night, and he is on the brink of sleep when Sehun poses the question.

“Of course,” he mumbles into his pillow.

-

After debut things start to get crazy. It becomes clear that the trainees will soon be out on the field, and their hectic schedule only tightens everyone’s bonds. They are understandably scared, because being out on the field is something completely different than showcases. Being on the field is life or death.

Glittering parties and stage lights leave all the members disoriented. It’s hard to go from famous celebrities to military trained soldiers in the space of a month. So once removed from the spotlight, the real training begins, and everyone throws themselves into it head first. Previously, lessons were about presentation. Most would learn to control their powers so minutely that they could create eloquent, ornate patterns in the air; whether with fire, light, water or earth, it was all taught in a similar fashion. Kai was the slight exception in their group. He would learn to teleport within milliseconds, his transitions seamless and graceful. He would manoeuvre himself in such a way that his power became a performance, a delicate dance, and he did just that on stage.

But now the promotions are over, and everyone gets down to business. Stage turns to combat. And Kai learns to fight.

Only once they begin the simulations does it all crash down on everyone, all too real.

-

“Kai!” Suho’s voice is sharp, commanding, and slightly panicked. In front of him his water wall is struggling, spurting off at random angles, and he lets out a strained grunt, pushing forward angrily.

“I know, I know,” Kai says from beside him, and fixes his eyes on the fiery hole behind the opposing trainees. It’s a tight fit- Chanyeol has burnt barely enough of the building walls for them to collapse into a nice Kai-sized space, but accuracy will be key if he doesn’t want to end up barbecued. Not that he’s ever had doubt in his accuracy capabilities. It’s just the flames making him nervous. With a resolved sigh, Kai clenches his fingers into fists, feels the familiar squeezing, and opens his eyes in the dark of the building, the heat of fire at his sides.

Baekhyun should be waiting for him inside, and at a hesitant, “Baekhyun, hyung?” the place is illuminated in an ethereal glow. “Here,” Baekhyun whispers urgently, guiding Kai by voice, and he sees the pulsing capsule, just waiting for them to open it up. Baekhyun and D.O have already completed half of it, but with D.O killed, Kai is needed to replace him. Shame. Everyone knew that puzzles were not exactly his thing. But times are getting desperate; the other team has found their capsule as well, and the two are neck in neck trying to figure out the code. Kai has no choice. They couldn’t afford to take anyone off the battlegrounds except for him.

It takes them another minute and a half to figure out the next digit, and Baekhyun is sweating, his forehead shiny under the pulsing glow of his hands. There’s an estranged scream from outside, and an “Oh, screw off, Chanyeol!” in Kris’s angry voice before Baekhyun, with a of genius, resolves it. This leaves them one digit left, and they both tirelessly work, listening alertly for indicators of how the game is going outside. 

“I’ve got it!” Kai shouts excitedly, and he reaches down to punch in the last number just as a loud, triumphant cheer rings from the distance. Baekhyun’s eyes meet his with instant disappointment. There is a moment when everything slows and Beakhyun’s face freezes, the simulation breaking up, the colourful pixels fading to white. Kai wakes in the hard blue chairs, blinking uncomfortably, the word “Damn,” on his lips. It takes a minute to adjust to the brightness, and then he sighs resolutely. His supervisor leans down and carefully removes the sensory discs from his hands and head, nodding curtly when they are all extracted.

Kai pushes open his simulation room door to find the most of the group out already, standing in small clumps and discussing the game’s events. D.O, Tao, and Kris stand to the side, looking particularly miffed at being killed off early.

“Almost had it, didn’t we,” comes a familiar voice from behind him, and then Sehun claps a firm hand over his shoulder.

“Yeah. Damn. Three losses in a row,” Kai sighs tiredly. “It’s embarrassing.”

A trilling voice announces, “I’ll have to agree with you on that,” and then Luhan appears on his left side. “Ha! It’s a losing trifecta.”

 Kai gives him a rough punch on the arm, pouting, and Luhan lets out a giggly squeal, laughing as he bats him away. Amused, Sehun watches.

“Hey,” he says suddenly, and loops his arm over Kai to pull him closer. “Roommates again? The supervisors are having another meeting tonight.” His voice is purposely low, his mouth just barely brushing against Kai’s ears.

“You guys are sharing a room?” Luhan asks, his laughter fading, and it’s the first time Kai has ever heard a hint jealousy in his words. It doesn’t suit him. “I miss when we did that,” he says to Kai remorsefully, referring to back when they were both children and the program had everyone under the age of eight sleeping in the same dorm room.

For a moment Kai wonders why they never told Luhan about their nightly escapades, which have become more frequent now that the supervisors are getting busier. He laughs lightly. “Me too. Maybe you could join us.”

Sehun chuckles at the ridiculousness of his suggestion, and Luhan’s eyes crinkle up in agreement. It is ridiculous; although they train together every day, the two groups are still clearly divided. They always battle each other in simulations, and they live separately. Crossing the dorm buildings at night would be nearly impossible.

“Well,” Luhan grins cheekily, “You get him tonight, Sehun. But you better watch out tomorrow. He’ll be all mine.” The three of them laugh at this together, but Luhan’s words start the first waves of unsettlement in Kai’s stomach. Fifteen is rather late to be having these feelings for the first time, but none of the trainees have had a normal childhood by any means, and perhaps it’s expected for the likes of Kai who has been in the program since he could talk.

-

Time progresses, and they go into combat for real for the first time. It’s terrifying yet exhilarating, because they win. And the battle isn’t difficult either. In fact, once they are dropped onto the field alongside the regular soldiers the fight is over within ten minutes. It’s the longest ten minutes of Kai’s life, and whether this is because of Tao or the nerves he’s never quite sure.

There’s a quick, rushed ceremony, right then and there while charred, drowned, dissected bodies bleed upon the grassy plains only feet away from them. The school declares them graduated trainees who have now truly earned the title of Guarders, and then they all celebrate, ignoring the smell of death in the air. It’s a triumphant evening. The twelve sleeps together that night for the first time in years, packaged into fold up beds under a giant tent that’s set up beside the battlefield. There is a brief scuffle because both Luhan and Sehun want to share a bed with Kai, but in the end Sehun is adamant and Luhan agrees to sleep in the one next to them with Xiumin. All is resolved. Kai says nothing. These small fights have gotten rather common in the past few weeks, but they always end on friendly terms, never actually angry. Kai thinks it’s impossible for the three of them to actually be angry at one another.

-

Luhan kisses him after they come out victorious of a particularly nasty battle. The Guarders are never who sure they’re fighting against, only that they’re aiding their country, but sometimes they’re tempted to ask after exhausting ones like that day. The opposing army had consisted of a few Guarders as well, and they had inflicted much more damage than usual. A third of the legion are waiting patiently in a tent as Lay comes by them one by one to Heal.

They are holding hands already, squeezing each other’s palms when Lay’s burning magic scorches up and down their bodies. When they are the only two left in the tent, Luhan leans over and simply places those soft lips over his own, and Kai is blank for words. Drawing apart, he thinks privately that he’s never felt anything so perfect.

They silently agree not to tell Sehun.

-

The next day they are choosing partners for riding. Instead of going home in between this battle and the next, they are travelling to the location with no rest. The transport of choice is horses, two per ride, and once again Kai finds himself caught between Sehun and Luhan. He looks at Luhan, remembers his soft lips, and thinks; this will need to be resolved eventually. But for now, he chooses Sehun.

He has to try really hard to forget the look on Luhan’s face.

-

One night, they are woken at barely two in the morning and shipped back to the school without explanation. They stay there for what feels like a very long time. The first few months after debut, they fought a different battle every few days or so, but now they haven’t been on the field for at least a month. Training continues as usual, even more vigorous than before, and the Guarders are rightly exhausted. No one bothers to explain what’s going on, only that the students must work harder than ever.

It’s a Sunday, which means an entire afternoon to themselves, and Luhan, Kai, and Sehun spend it on the long couch in the common room, three pairs of legs tangled up upon each other as they lounge. On his one side Sehun plays mindlessly with Kai’s hair, on his other Luhan presses their hands together to compare the sizes.

They discuss the increasingly rough schedules. Sehun is in the middle of explaining how he almost fainted with fatigue the last time he went into simulation when Kai, Tao, and Luhan are called up over the loudspeakers. Sehun’s face goes stormy, halting in the middle of his sentence. This scenario has happened several times since they’ve come back to the school, and every time it irks Sehun more and more.

It’s not exactly a secret why the three of them are chosen for extra training; their powers are all drastically different from the rest of the group. Perhaps more powerful as well. But Sehun hates being left alone and he voices as much.

“At least you get to rest,” Kai says in irritation. He’s sick of Sehun complaining when he’s the one who has to go back into simulation for another two hours.

Luhan is more gentle, telling him, “You know we’ll come right back to you when it’s over,” and it seems to soothe him a little bit. But Kai knows that Sehun will never get over the fact that his two best friends get special treatment and he doesn’t, even if Kai would like to take that special treatment and send it straight back to hell where it belongs.

-

“Luhan’s rather pretty, isn’t he?” Sehun asks in the dark. It’s two thirty a.m, another night that they have spent awake talking, and Kai is exhausted to the point of collapse. Training was particularly rough that day; he can still feel the artificial burn sear through his quaking flesh as he’s killed off in the manufactured war.

“He is,” Kai replies to Sehun, more to shut him up than anything else.

“I just realized,” Sehun continues. “He was on all the posters during promotion. I thought it was because of his power, ‘cause, you know, but now I don’t think so. I think it’s because he’s so pretty.” He pauses. “If it were really about powers, they would have chosen Tao.”

Kai gives a noise of agreement, but he’s too tired to really register the words. Neither of them mentions how Kai was on the posters too.

-

At lunch one day, Sehun tells Kai that he hates the school. Kai gives him a horrified look, because you’re not allowed to say things like that, but from his other side Luhan puts a soft hand over his and says quietly that he agrees.

“We’ve been talking about it,” Sehun tells him darkly. “We want to get out of here. We’ve been planning a bit.” Luhan nods worriedly in agreement, and Kai glances back and forth between them, because how is he supposed to react to that?

They embrace him comfortingly on either side, and in a small voice, he murmurs, “You never told me.”

-

It’s after a particular ridiculously hard simulation that the Guarders truly begin to talk of mutiny.

The fake battle is positively the hardest thing that any of them have been through, and they train the same one for a full week, dying a thousand deaths. They never win. It runs five times a day; one by one the twelve die, and then they are right into it again, no break in between to even take off the sensory discs for a few minutes and crack their necks. During that week Kai can only estimate that he dies at least hundred times, and every time is just as worse as the last. He is choked, drowned, hung, crushed, burned and sliced open more times than he can count. The simulations aren’t supposed to affect their physical forms in any way, but after the first three days bruises begin to appear on his arms and he has a constant headache. The other Guarders voice similar findings.

It’s Kris who’s the first to ask what this is all about, but as usual the supervisors stay strictly quiet, re-iterating that it is for the good of the country. But the boys are completely strung out, and when training begins to bleed into their sleeping hours it’s simply too much. Tensions are higher than ever, tangible even within the simulation that is so hated. They begin to plan.

“We need your help,” Sehun tells him matter-of-factly. Kai has never broken the rules, ever, and he honestly doesn’t want to help. He tells Sehun no.

But it only gets worse.

Slowly the twelve of them begin to join Luhan, Sehun and Kai at their usual table at lunch, and they all eat together instead of with their regular groups, murmuring discontentedly between bites of the same protein-laden meal. Kai is acutely aware that his two best friends are fuelling the whole discussion whereas he is left strangely on the outside, uncomprehending of the others’ anger and unable to process their motivations. Ideas form, and at the centre of them all is Kai. Always Kai. Each time he protests, the others are more and more restless. Sehun begins to get angry on his right. Luhan murmurs maturely comforting things in his ear on his left.

They want him to teleport them out.

In theory, it’s very simple. A night during which most supervisors are away will be ideal. At a specific time all the Guarders will leave their rooms. This will be difficult in itself, but the Guarders are soldiers and they have no doubt that they can fight their way out. They will move towards the common room, where the main battle should take place, and once there, Kai will teleport them to escape one by one.

If it were anyone else, you might wonder why Kai hasn’t done this earlier. But the answer is quite simple: he doesn’t break the rules. His loyalties are and always have been with the school. Unlike the once troublesome Tao, who is forced to wear a protective cuff at all times that prevents him from using his powers, the school trusts Kai. He has never done anything wrong.

“That’s why they won’t see it coming,” Luhan tells him softly, and Kai doesn’t understand. Yes, the training is awful and they run on four hours of sleep every day, but this is an honour. A privilege. They are protecting the lives of many. Why would you throw away being a Guarder because of a few rough nights? Besides, they have nowhere to go.

Weeks pass and the boys’ situation doesn’t improve. The days ooze into each other, the nights passing in mere minutes before it’s up and back to work once again. Sehun gives him countless resentful glares.

It takes waking up from the unbeatable simulation coughing up blood for Kai to finally agree to the plan.

-

The day of the breakout the twelve are eating lunch together as usual, and Sehun and Luhan are both excited beyond comprehension, clinging to one another beneath the table. Kai observes dimly that he has always had one on either side of him.

That day it is Luhan who sits in the middle.

-

It goes over ridiculously easily. None of the staff were even remotely prepared for lash back, and the fight is in the palm of their hands within half an hour. Working together the twelve kill every single supervisor in the building, and in a last show of celebration, Chanyeol sets the whole institute alight with fire.

  Kai is barely there during the battle, and as far as he is concerned he has killed no one. His fight is simply to grab onto a fellow Guarder, clench his fists, and feel the familiar squeeze as they are whisked away through space. He takes them one by one to the only place he remembers outside of his school.

His home.

The mansion is completely empty, neglected, and Kai is only lightly surprised. What he sluggishly remembers from his brief childhood before the program is a bright, lively house filled with people to serve and take care of him at all times. Now it is desolate, empty, much like every other house on the street.

The twelve cannot stop talking, celebrating, and that night is filled with laughter and cheer. No one can believe they actually pulled it off, and at the time no one concerns themselves with the possibility of people searching for them. Luhan and Sehun spend the evening with their arms linked, occasionally looping Kai into their circle, but he once again notes how it is he on the outside.

-

They’ve been at the house for a few weeks. Routine has been established; Kris and Kai search for food, Suho, Chen, Chanyeol, Baekhyun and D.O busy themselves fixing up the house with re-installed electricity and water systems. After it becomes clear that the simulations might have done more damage than they had thought originally possible, Lay sets to work Healing them. Tao, Sehun, Luhan, and Xiumin alternate lookout shifts in case there are search parties out there. Immediately it is decreed that everyone should go back to their old names, but the new ones are strangely difficult to shake.

It’s a bit weird when there is quite literally no sign of anyone coming for them. It’s as if they are alone on the planet; wherever Kris and Kai go hunting they find no one, and similarly, Kai’s town is completely empty. Where are the people that the Guarders had sworn to protect? Sometimes Kai thinks about the emptiness and an inexplicable feeling of loneliness and loss crashes over him. But he’s the only one this way. Everyone else seems entirely happy to be the only conceivable humans left in the world.

Luhan and Sehun are always on watch duty together. One day Kai hesitantly asks them if they’re avoiding him, because whenever he gets back from hunting they never hang out with him due to being on duty. They give him twin confused looks.

“Of course not,” Luhan reassures him, and reaches for his hand.

“You just haven’t been around much,” Sehun reprimands him, and slides his hand into Kai’s other palm.

-

It’s the middle of winter and Kai, shivering, tells Kris that he wants to go back early. Kris gives him an understanding nod, and Kai clenches his fingers into fists. Trembling from the cold, he teleports himself to the kitchen and drops off his gatherings for the day. Then he trudges slowly down the hall and opens the door to his shared room with Sehun and Luhan, just wanting to collapse into bed.

Sehun has Luhan pressed against one of the walls, and neither of them is wearing a shirt. Their mouths are fused together, eyes closed, and as Luhan’s fingers fist together in Sehun’s hair, there’s a little mewling sound at the back of his throat.

Kai can’t breathe.

-

You’re so stupid, he tells himself later. He’s transported himself to who knows where, and the snow is falling around him in silence as the tears streak down his face. He can feel the moisture freezing as the winter air reaches it, and he clutches his arms into himself, wondering why he didn’t bring another jacket.

Stupid.

This whole time, he had always thought he would have to choose between the two.

He was supposed to be the one in the middle.

Luhan, he thinks, and what fills his mind is Sehun mashed against him exhaling in light pants, their bare skin melding together like a beautiful, flawless puzzle, and Kai collapses to his knees, his breath coming out in gasping sobs.

Luhan. Sehun. Soft lips.

(Blush pink.)

A/N: So yah! That was really random, but I hope you enjoyed it anyway! Please review, I'm really curious to see what you guys thought. Anyway, thank you so so so much for reading! Love you <3