just a heads up there's some swearing 

--

When Taekwoon first pulled on his high school uniform, he was excited. Excited of all the amazing but gruesome memories that were to be made, along with the many opportunities he would get as a rising soccer player. The high school he would be attending had a well-known soccer team that Taekwoon couldn't help but brag a little to Hakyeon about. 

"Go have fun there!" Hakyeon had said brightly, but truth be told, they were both quite sad. They had been best friends for nearly their whole lives, and it was kind of obvious how Hakyeon had felt of Taekwoon. Taekwoon never knew what one-sided love was like, and the question often popped up in his mind; he never had the time or the maturity level to think of loving somebody properly, but now that his position in soccer was more stable, he could only wonder if he would be having any special person to love. 

"Love is a strong word," Hakyeon would often say. But Taekwoon didn't want to like. He wanted to love. 

And he understood exactly how he wanted to love when he laid his eyes on Lee Hongbin on the first day. 

"Oh? Aren't you Jung Taekwoon? Soccer right? I've watched you play before, you're good. I'm Hongbin by the way," he said flawlessly. Taekwoon wanted to melt where he was standing. The boy had exploding visuals, one could only wonder how his parents looked, and had a complete set of height, hair, and smiles. 

Taekwoon wanted to say something. anything. About his hair or the way the buttoned up uniform looked better than anybody else's. 

But he couldn't. 

"I..I.. thank you," Taekwoon said, most obviously flustered. It wasn't like he couldn't talk, no, he just had a hard time relaying the words from his brain to his mouth compared to others. Maybe it was because he took more care and thought into his sentences. Most just called it off as a form of anxiety, which didn't really bother Taekwoon, since he didn't like being in the centre of attention anyways. 

"Yah, why is your voice so soft?" a strong voice called from beside Hongbin. Taekwoon almost cringed. He couldn't put his finger on the word that would describe his voice. 

"Oh. Sorry, did I offend you?" the stranger leaned back in his chair to get a look at Taekwoon. He must have looked pretty scary for his classmate to say that, but nothing helped the situation with the snarky comment and lopsided smile. 

The boy had a really, really long nose. His ears stuck out a little, making him look like a pixie, and had thick black glasses. His bowl cut was more than terrible, and the slight wisp of hair on his chin indicated that he had skipped a day of shaving. He was ugly, at least compared to Hongbin sitting beside him. 

Annoying. The boy was annoying. 

"There are quiet people on this earth Jaehwan, not everybody is like you," Hongbin sighed before giving Taekwoon a wide smile. It was a smile of assurance, with a hint of apology. 

"It's okay," Taekwoon managed to smile back. 

--

Taekwoon discovered that the soccer team (which he was immediately accepted in) contained not only Hongbin, but also had a fair amount of regular fans that cheered every game. Most of them were girls, presumably fangirls of Hongbin with a couple of others that liked the other guy.. Luhan? Things were going quite well until he noticed one male fan in the bleachers, narrowing his eyes to see if he would be good looking at all (checking out men was not a sin in Taekwoon's dictionary). 

"LEE. HONG. BIN!!!!" he shouted very loudly. Taekwoon's mouth almost dropped in horror when he heard the student's voice. It was annoying. 

"SHUT THE UP JAEHWAN," Hongbin bellowed beside him and sighed. He looked at Taekwoon apologetically. "Sorry, he's just like that."

"It's okay," Taekwoon said as he craned his neck to get a better look at Jaehwan. His unruly head stood out through the crowd in the bleachers, and it was certainly easy to spot him bickering with one of the other fans. 

"Your sign is too big! I can't see!" he heard faint shouts. 

It was a little hard to concentrate on what he had to do when he heard Jaehwan's screams every single time Hongbin had the ball. Hongbin was a good player, but how good did you have to be to yell that loud every time? It ticked something off in Taekwoon; maybe it was because it hurt his pride. Yes, he liked to think he was pretty good at the game, and maybe Jaehwan's cheers for Hongbin instead of himself made him sad. Not jealous, no, never. Jung Taekwoon didn't get jealous. 

He kicked at the ball with full force at the opponent's goalie. 

"Oh! Taekwoon scored!!" his teammates came running in, but all Taekwoon could hear was the loud annoying voice screaming his name. 

--

"Why does he always come to every single practice?" Taekwoon asked through gritted teeth. Hongbin stopped smiling. They had been joking around merely two seconds ago, and it was unusual even for Taekwoon to change moods that easily. It was even in a drama-like setting, with the two of them alone in the changing room. Hongbin nearly sighed. 

"Who? Jaehwan? He likes soccer too," Hongbin answered easily. He knew Taekwoon's heart had given away to Jaehwan long ago, but it was fun to watch Taekwoon struggle with what he thought was just pure hate. 

"He's.. annoying. can you get rid of him?" Taekwoon asked. Hongbin wanted to coo and pinch Taekwoon's adorable little cheeks. 

"Nah, I like him around. He cheers for you often now too. Isn't it nice?" Hongbin remarked. Taekwoon's face grew incomprehensible, and Hongbin couldn't quite tell if what he said was just right or downright wrong. 

"Not the way he does it," Taekwoon mumbled and turned around to sort through his bag. 

Just right. 

"Do you even realize how much hyung seems to like you? He only came because of my amazing soccer skills and the other cute guys, but now all he does is talk about how your 'thighs are soccer thighs'," Hongbin mocked with a sigh. He watched Taekwoon's cheeks tinge with a pink shade.  

"You guys..talked about me?" Taekwoon said carefully. It was more than obvious that he had been flustered but happy at the thought. 

"Yea. You should come hang with us sometime, other than our team. Jaehwan's pretty cool. So is Sanghyuk and Wonsik," Hongbin said cheerfully. Taekwoon knew Wonsik, he was the slightly rebellious teen with a secret tattoo on his arm. It wasn't really a secret, considering you could see it when he would roll up his sleeves. The teachers never seemed to bother him about it though, maybe it was simply because Sanghyuk always stuck next to his side. 

"Wonsik's a softie. Sanghyuk's not much of a nerd as you think," Hongbin scoffed when he saw Taekwoon's eyebrows furrow in deep thought. 

"I.. okay. I'll join," Taekwoon said softly. At least now he could tell Jaehwan to shut up during soccer games. 

--

Jaehwan was many things; annoying, loud, ugly, and anything in between. Anything in between included how Jaehwan would smile stupidly and guffaw at his own jokes. It included how he would be bowing exactly 90 degrees to elders he knew but becoming an aegyeo master to Hongbin the second after. 'Hongbin, buy Daehwanie this~'. Taekwoon often wondered why he wouldn't show aegyeo to him and beg for food or CDs, but he quickly addressed the question with the thought of saving more money. 

He hated himself for falling for such an imperfection called Lee Jaehwan. His exaggerated way of expressing himself through belts of sudden high notes of songs was how he charmed Taekwoon's ears. Jaehwan's cologne smelled fresh and spicy, the way Taekwoon liked it. His lips were fat and dirty but oh how he desired for them to cover his own.  Jaehwan's overpowering personality was what Taekwoon wanted, no needed, in his boring life. 

Anything without Jaehwan was boring. Soccer without Jaehwan's obnoxious blaring of his new horn, courtesy of Hongbin, would be boring. Class without Jaehwan's unnecessary knowledge of how gecko's feet worked would be boring. 

Taekwoon knew he fell too deep when he found himself smiling, smiling, before he went to sleep. for no reason at all, just because he was thinking of Jaehwan. There were too many times when he would be making scenarios of how he would confess one day without realizing. 

He wasn't bad at singing like Jaehwan, maybe he could take up songwriting and do something with his sister's guitar. They could go to a movie, or a picnic. They could go to the zoo or the aquarium. Taekwoon liked the idea of proposing at the aquarium, in front of the huge tank of fish. 

"Propose?!" Taekwoon shrieked, shocking everyone in the locker room. 

"Propose? Since when did you have a girlfriend Taekwoon?" one of his teammates snickered. 

"Shiiiit, Taekwoon's got a lady," his teammates began to whoop and cheer. Taekwoon felt his face grow warm and instinctively began to poorly hide beside Hongbin. 

"Or maybe it's a guy?" Hongbin shrugged beside him. Taekwoon's eyes widened in shock and fear as Hongbin's mouth twisted into a smile. 

"Come on, all of us know you have a thing for Jaehwan," Hongbin snickered. Taekwoon's eyes darted around to check if anybody had been eavesdropping, but his teammates were mostly engaged in their own conversations already. 

"I don't!" he half-whispered. 

"Don't aggressively deny it," Hongbin patted his shoulder in a friendly manner before taking off. Taekwoon bit his lip; he didn't know where he suddenly had the self control from, since Hongbin managed to escape without being murdered.  

--

"How did you fall?!" Taekwoon's mother scolded. Taekwoon looked down at his own leg. He wasn't sure how it happened; all he remembered was that he bumped into one of his teammates and fell the wrong way. His ankle or leg or wherever the he broke was scheduled to be put in a cast soon. 

"One month," the doctor had said. One month of not being able to stand in the field, one month of not being able to touch a soccer ball. One month was a huge deal for a major player like Taekwoon, as even one day would set him behind. 

"He's usually so careful, I don't know how this happened," his mother continued to blabber on to herself. 

Jaehwan. Jaehwan was how it happened. His sickly sweet smile when he was guilty, his annoying-est laugh in the world, his stupid snappy comebacks, all of it was why it happened. His loud cheers were distracting, and the second he heard him call "Jung. Taek. Woon!" in a rather loud voice, he lost it. All of his focus immediately went to Jaehwan who was obnoxiously cheering as usual. 

"Do you know when you're so concentrated that you actually feel kind of distracted?" Taekwoon asked softly. His mother huffed. 

"Yes and no. You just need to rest. don't think of even touching a ball mister, you need to rest more to recover faster," his mother scolded. 

"Omma, go home. It's late," Taekwoon attempted to smile. 

"What kind of a mother do you-" 

"Please. I want time for myself too. Please go home and rest," Taekwoon raised his hand to rest it on his mother's arm. 

"I'll be back tomorrow morning, okay?" his mother reached to pat his head gently. Taekwoon hummed in reply after given a simple kiss on the forehead. 

"Go home safely," Taekwoon mumbled after his mother disappeared from his hospital room. He fell back into the bed with a sigh. It smelled like chemicals. He hated the sickly clean scent of medicine that clung to the sheets. Taekwoon remembered that his phone remained untouched before practice, and turned it on with an amused smile. 

Five missed calls from Hakyeon, two from Luhan (who he surprisingly became quite good friends with), and 15 from Hongbin. He had also received text messages from teammates. 

"Taekwoon!! wtf happened I heard you were in the hospital what the actual hell happened please I hope you're oka-" Taekwoon didn't even bother to finish the rest of wonsik's message. Sanghyuk's text was also fairly long, which Taekwoon decided to skip out on. Too many words hurt his brain. 

"Call me." a single sentence stood out from the rest. Jaehwan had sent it. 

"Call me" the words echoed in Taekwoon's head, how Jaehwan would say it. He didn't want to call him. After all, the whole reason why he got injured was because he was thinking of Jaehwan. 

Taekwoon held his phone up to his ear, nearly dropping the fairly large device while fumbling to keep his hands steady. 

"Taekwoon?" a voice answered immediately. Jaehwan. It was Jaehwan's voice, which sounded surprisingly smooth and soothing when he was serious. 

"Y-yea," Taekwoon cursed at the way his voice cracked. 

"Do you know how worried I was?" jaehwan's voice was low. It was quiet. It wasn't like him. 

"I'm.. are you okay?" Taekwoon settled to ask after great thought. it wasn't the first time Jaehwan pretended to be serious. He would usually crack up after with a playful 'you should've seen your face!' However, it wasn't a bad thing to check out the situation. 

"You're a soccer player. and you injured yourself," Jaehwan ignored Taekwoon's question. He heard cold words pouring out of his phone. Was this even Jaehwan? 

"Jaehwan, I-" 

"Save it. Just because you like me doesn't mean that you get so consumed that you hurt yourself," Jaehwan growled from the other end. Taekwoon froze.

"What do you-"

"Hongbin told me everything. How you're always distracted during practice. I'm the reason why you got hurt? How do you think that makes me feel? I'm responsible for this?" Jaehwan's voice began to raise and Taekwoon became scared. Not only did he know about his feelings, but he was also getting angry for Taekwoon getting injured. 

"You're.. not responsible... for anything," Taekwoon said slowly. it wasn't unusual to, but he had a particularly hard time especially at the moment to deliver words to his mouth after much shock. 

"Yes I am! You hurt yourself because you were thinking of me!" Jaehwan said, impatience and frustration evident in his tone. 

"I.. that's not how it is," Taekwoon didn't know how to explain it. What Jaehwan was saying was logical and true. It was exactly how it was. 

"CAN YOU TALK FASTER YOU RETARDED !" 

Taekwoon felt his lips go numb. 

"Wait Taekwoon, I'm so sorry I didn't mean that," Jaehwan panicked over the line but Taekwoon could barely hear him. 

Hot embarrassing tears began to well up in his eyes, as they glided down his cheeks. He didn't attempt to wipe off whatever was gathering underneath his chin, as his hand was too busy putting down the phone that was emitting loud noises of Jaehwan. 

'retarded !' the words echoed endlessly in his head as he felt his throat burn. He fell backwards onto his bed, as he hit his head on the bedpost along the way. 

Taekwoon felt the tears come harder and faster as he began to consume what had happened. Jaehwan had called him a retarded for not speaking quickly enough. Jaehwan. His Jaehwan. 

Heavy sighs came along as he attempted to quiet himself, since the hospital room wasn't all his. He didn't want to wake the elderly woman across the room, or disturb the little child who had his arm in a cast. 

"It's going to be okay Taekwoon," he whispered to himself. It was stupid and cliche, but Taekwoon found comfort often from reassuring himself. It didn't even make sense, but it certainly helped to ease the gnawing pain at his heart that Jaehwan had created. 

--

Taekwoon was woken to have breakfast by the nurse. He looked over to see it was 8, while she told him that he could be discharged by the evening. He nodded with a weak smile. It was a fairly long weekend to have been stuck in bed, and he was beginning to get sick of the white cheerful walls that he faced day to day. 

"Oh, somebody came by. He told me to give this to you," the nurse said with a giggle, as she presented him with a small bouquet of an array of colourful flowers. 

"He said that there was also a note inside, so don't forget to look at that," she smiled brightly and bowed before exiting the room. 

Taekwoon felt his face flush; a bouquet of flowers? He only broke his leg, and was to be discharged in the evening. Was it his mom that left it? Taekwoon shook his head to the thought, since the nurse specified the person as a he. 

A small note was tucked in neatly in the side. 'Taekwoon,' it read, as he carefully opened it up. 

"I'm sorry. Please call me." 

The message was short but powerful, sending Taekwoon scrambling for his phone. he opened it to see that his mom had left behind a message explaining how she had to leave for work before he woke up. Another dozen messages from friends and family awaited him, as Taekwoon slowed down to a stop. The thought that he was supposed to be angry at Jaehwan had come to light; he wasn't supposed to call him at all. But by the time he had already punched in Jaehwan's contact information, it was too late. 

"Hello? Taekwoon?" the receiver said breathlessly. 

"Yea," Taekwoon answered. Maybe it was because he had just woken up, for his voice sounded much more groggier than it usually did. He sounded gross. 

"You got the flowers. Aren't they nice?" Jaehwan laughed awkwardly. Taekwoon nodded in response, before remembering that it was a phone call. 

"Yea," was all that came out. What was he supposed to say? 

"I um... Taekwoon," Jaehwan called hesitantly. Taekwoon bit the inside of his cheek; the way Jaehwan called his name was one of the few reasons he even thought of smiling. 

"I'm sorry. About yesterday. I just feel this was all my fault, and uh, I'm really sorry I just lashed out like that," Jaehwan said. The sorrow in his tone was evident, and Taekwoon was almost sure this was the first time he heard Jaehwan being sincerely apologetic. 

"Well, you weren't wrong," Taekwoon said after a moment. 

"Of course. It was my fault I knew it-" 

"No," Taekwoon took a deep breath. it was Jaehwan's fault, everything that happened in his life was often so. 

"I.. am a retarded ," it was one of the rare times he swore. Not really uncomfortable, but it sounded foreign in his mouth. 

"Taekwoon!" Jaehwan gasped. Taekwoon couldn't tell if it was surprise or guilt. 

"I didn't mean that! I swear!" his voice raised over the phone. Taekwoon flinched to the sound; he highly disliked noise, and he knew whatever Jaehwan was saying was entirely false. 

"It's okay. Could we just.. go back to normal?" he said. 

"I'll see you at school tomorrow then," Jaehwan said and hung up abruptly. 

Taekwoon looked dumbfounded at his phone. Jaehwan had ignored his question and even hung up on him. Heavy feelings returned to the thought of how the other truly thought of him. 

He sighed and took an unwilling bite of the hospital food. His stomach said yes, but his heart said no as he attempted to fork down his fruit salad. 

--

"I want to watch, Jaehwan," Taekwoon growled as he tried to maneuver around Jaehwan who was standing in the middle of the path. 

"I'm not letting you go to practice! You're going to hate watching everybody run aroun- OUCH?" Jaehwan screeched when Taekwoon whacked his leg with a crutch. It had been nearly a week since he had got crutches, and had finally began to get used to them. One thing Taekwoon couldn't get used to though, was how Jaehwan would subtly avoid Taekwoon. It was most likely uncomfortable to think such a retarded liked him, but he decided it was okay, and had given Jaehwan forgiveness long ago. 

"Ice cream! I'll buy you ice cream! So please, just don't go," Jaehwan desperately. The thought of ice cream, no, free ice cream definitely was enough persuasion for Taekwoon. 

"Let's go," he said as he attempted to turn around. 

"I want chocolate ice cream," he said. It sounded childish, but he really wanted his chocolate ice cream. 

"Actually, place I'm thinking of has latte flavoured ice cream. I've been wanting to take you for awhile, because you love lattes right?" Jaehwan smiled wide. Taekwoon flinched but managed to return back a small flash of his teeth. 

"Great," he said as Taekwoon tried to regain his composure. Maybe Jaehwan ignoring him had actually been better; now that he was paying attention and making conversation, Taekwoon felt his hands grow clammy around his crutches. So Jaehwan had remembered of his sort-of obsession for lattes. Was that a good sign? 

"But, are you sure?" Taekwoon felt intimidated by the way the shop had looked when they entered. The ice cream parlour was well decorated with masses of colourful art, covered in green plants and brown wallpaper. It looked vintage and felt cozy, despite the small chill of the air conditioning. Not to mention it looked expensive. 

"Price isn't a problem Taekwoon, you broke your leg because of.." Jaehwan drifted off. Taekwoon hoped he wasn't seen blushing, as he lowered his head. 

"Th-thanks. I'll be over there," he said quietly. Jaehwan scratched the back of his head while gritting his teeth. 

"Latte right?" Jaehwan called. Taekwoon settled at a table. There was no answer needed, because Jaehwan had already been ordering. 

So what if Jaehwan was buying him ice cream. So what if he knew Taekwoon's favourite flavour. So what if they were kind of on a date. Taekwoon chewed his lip. Jaehwan certainly didn't think it was a date, neither did Taekwoon. But considering the circumstances, it could easily be misunderstood to be. Taekwoon liked to think of the situation as a misunderstanding. 

"Here. Latte. In a cup," Jaehwan set down an ice cream cup with a pink neon spoon. 

"Pink, it suits you. It's cute," Jaehwan laughed to himself. Taekwoon felt his stomach produce millions of stupid butterflies. Jaehwan had complimented him. 

"What did you get?" Taekwoon asked to make conversation. Jaehwan took awhile to think before he answered. 

"I don't remember!" Jaehwan said with a snort, followed by rounds of laughter. He poked at his colourful ice cream, and Taekwoon even felt the corners of his mouth stretching to Jaehwan's reply. 

"Oh! Oppa!!" Taekwoon heard a voice come from behind him. He turned around to see the source of the voice with Jaehwan. 

"Hani!" Jaehwan replied, making Taekwoon's head snap back forward. His eyes widened in further surprise when he saw how incredibly joyous Jaehwan had looked. He had never seen or heard the other so happy. 

"Is this Taekwoon? Ah, hello! I'm Hani," she said with a friendly wave. She looked hesitantly at Jaehwan who had been making faces, that seemed to be saying 'no'. 

"Nice to meet you," Taekwoon replied. 

"Okay, well I have to get going. I just saw you two so I thought I'd drop by. see you later!" Hani said cutely and waved. It was only when Jaehwan puckered his lips in response, when Taekwoon could feel his mouth go dry. 

"I uhm, also have something to say," Jaehwan looked up at Taekwoon hesitantly. Taekwoon took a spoonful of his ice cream. Sweet. It was too sweet. 

"We uh.. Hani and I have been mm dating? For a little while, and uh.." Jaehwan laughed nervously. 

Taekwoon silently took another bite. The ice cream began to turn bitter in his mouth, presumably from all the salty tears that were surprisingly being held in. 

"I..am sorry," Jaehwan said. It sounded genuine and true enough. "You got injured and everything and.. it just... yea," 

"It's- that's fine," Taekwoon was taken aback from how confident he sounded. He was internally far past his breaking down point. 

"I guess practice is over soon, I'm going to head back home," Jaehwan said while clearing his throat. Taekwoon's eyes followed up as Jaehwan took his untouched ice cream hesitantly. 

Practice being over and Jaehwan going home had nothing to do with each other. Taekwoon felt tears gather in the corners of his eyes, but Jaehwan had already turned around. 

"Bye Taekwoon!" Jaehwan had said without turning around. With a small but swift twinkle of the wind chimes as an indication of his departure, Taekwoon pushed his ice cream away to put his head down on the table.

pathetic. Taekwoon could barely keep his short fast breaths under control. He cried silently into his sleeve as he choked back on his saliva. Taekwoon decided to leave the parlour, but with every time he attempted to lift his head, he was hit with a wave of shame. He couldn't possibly go out in public looking like a wreck. 

embarrassing. Taekwoon decided to leave anyways, as he took his latte ice cream to throw away in the garbage. He felt judgemental stares from the staff and anyone else in between. He didn't want to finish his ice cream. It was full of Jaehwan, just like everything else. 

broken. Taekwoon was stupid to think he had a chance with Jaehwan. He was stupid to think that they were on a sort of date. Je was stupid when his hopes soared to every detail Jaehwan remembered about him. 

friends. They were just friends. One-sided love was brutal. Taekwoon suddenly felt sorry for Hakyeon. Had he always felt this way? Was love always this way? 

stupid. 

Taekwoon was stupid to have fallen in love with Jaehwan. 

------

 

wow I had subscribers even before I put the chapter up and wow literally tears trickled out man.... but I'm sorry if it didn't then out the way you guys wanted...? it was boring ik but thank you to all who read and possibly liked it tbh I love every single one of you kisses and hugs all around.. 

thank you ㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠㅠ