I'm Sorry, I Love You

Jongin is far gone in his thoughts when Sehun shakes him by his shoulder, snapping him into focus with a startle. Sehun's eyeing him with concern, a small, hesitant smile at the corner of his lips as he searches Jongin's eyes. The older only shakes his head in return, flashing Sehun a reassuring smile. Sehun's voice is silent when he asks if Jongin's okay and Jongin takes two seconds to think of an answer. He nods, aggressively so just in case his best friend doesn't believe him. Sehun doesn't, the raised brow tells Jongin so but Sehun doesn't say anything either, quickly pulled away from Jongin by an excited looking Baekhyun. Jongin doesn't know to thank Baekhyun or punch him - and no, not because he was jealous, but because Baekhyun somehow always reminds him of his mistake.

There are not many differences between Jongin and Sehun; sure, their personalities are complete opposites, but Sehun likes the music Jongin listens to and he laughs at what Jongin laughs at or the stupid lame jokes Jongin makes. They are similar in so many ways and Jongin thinks it's one of the reasons why they have been inseparable since the start. But the major difference between them lies over the fact that Sehun, even though he lacks expression in his features, still expresses his feelings through actions and words. Jongin, on the other hand, doesn't. While Sehun reacts, Jongin stills.

Unlike them, Baekhyun and Chanyeol are almost identical, if not for the big difference in their height and their handsome features. Glued at the hips, much like Sehun and Jongin are, Baekhyun completes Chanyeol in ways that are unimaginable for two people who claimed to be just friends. And in turn, Chanyeol protects Baekhyun with his life. Soulmates, Zitao and Yifan liked to believe. Jongin doesn't because he knows; he reads them and he knows the affection that shows in Baekhyun's eyes for Chanyeol doesn't go beyond friendship. He knows; because while Baekhyun spent a huge amount of time pursuing Sehun, Chanyeol was pursuing Jongin.

And here comes his mistake. Sehun smiles back and takes Baekhyun's hands, unabashedly accepting and returning Baekhyun's feelings. But Jongin watches Chanyeol pour out his feelings into his actions, repeatedly claiming to admire Jongin for how amazing he is, and Jongin didn't react. Jongin didn't take Chanyeol's hand and return his feelings even though he knows he likes Chanyeol more than just his group member, more than just a friend, more than just a brother.

There were only so many times Chanyeol could accept rejection until he couldn't anymore. And it was only when he turns away did Jongin realize he was too late. Now whenever he sees Baekhyun, he's reminded of his mistake and he would spend so long wishing he had been like Sehun. Perhaps, he would be as happy as Sehun looks whenever he's around Baekhyun. It's something Jongin regrets deeply and it pains him now as he watches Chanyeol makes Kyungsoo laugh.

A tap on his shoulder brings him out of his reverie and he turns to see that it's Sehun again. Sehun knows somehow, that's how deeply they read each other. Jongin thinks Sehun knows him more than he knows himself. Sehun smiles and takes a seat next to him, crossing a leg over the other. "I know what you're thinking, Jongin. Don't waste your time just staring. Don't wanna make the same mistake, do you? He's waiting for you, you know?"

Jongin raises a brow, genuinely clueless what Sehun had meant. "What are you saying?"

"Come on," Sehun chuckles, rolling his eyes. "You know what I mean."

It takes him a whole minute to fully understand what Sehun is trying to say. There's a rush of hope that washes through him and he almost smiled at the possibility of ever getting Chanyeol's love again. But the joy lasted less than a second and he realizes he could be wrong. "How did you -"

"Of course I know." Sehun rolls his eyes again and Jongin has the urge to claw them out. "I'm dating his best friend, remember? Baekhyun tells me almost everything."

Jongin raises both his brows this time, "Almost?"

He receives an elbow to his ribcage at that and the smile on Sehun's face disappears. "Don't change the subject, . I'm nice enough to tell you all this. Are you going to tell him or not? Don't come whining to me later."

"Being an to me just because Baekhyun trusts his best friend more than you doesn't make you nice." Jongin mutters under his breath but Sehun heard it all.

He tenses and waits for Sehun to say something and when he did, Jongin realizes he should have kept his mouth shut. "You were doing okay until you said that. Seriously, you."

Sehun makes a point by standing up so fast his chair topples over, leaving Jongin behind with a heavy weight of guilt cutting out his air supply. The sound of the chair hitting the ground had stolen the rest of the members' attention and now not only is Sehun mad at him, but Chanyeol has his eyes on Jongin and he's receiving glares from a certain someone who has been watching all along. He sends a look of apology towards Baekhyun, who ignores it and proceeds to go after Sehun. Jongin curses himself, thankful that most of the others are used to his and Sehun's fights enough to not come over and ask. But then Chanyeol isn't the others, and he finds the giant walking towards him and he has no way out. His heart races against his chest, Sehun's words repeating in his head.

Jongin swallows the lump in his throat, dropping his gaze onto his feet. He feels Chanyeol putting the chair back up and sitting on it, hears his own breathing growing heavier by the second. Chanyeol releases a huff, leaning back as he breaks the silence. "What happened with Sehun?"

"Just the usual," Jongin blurts, ready to defend himself. "I said something pretty harsh."

"The usual, huh?" Chanyeol nods, squinting a bit when Jongin looks up at him. "You always say harsh things to Sehun?"

Jongin sighs, realizes that it's true. "I'm terrible, I know. He was just telling me how you're still waiting for m-" Jongin pauses, eyes widened at his slip and wishing there's a hole to swallow him whole. The tension in the air grew heavier and Jongin contemplates on either running away or dropping dead. Chanyeol's watching him, closely, Jongin could feel his eyes pricking at his skin.

After a deathly silence of Jongin wishing he would die, Chanyeol speaks again in a whisper, his voice so deep it raises the hairs on Jongin's arms, a tingle down his spine and Jongin fights the urge to shudder. "I am waiting for you, Jongin. I'll still wait even ten years from now."

The words aren't what Jongin expected and hearing it almost tore him to pieces. Jongin could feel his heart clenching with a jumble of emotions, throat constricting and he fears he might let out a sob. Guilt, fear, excitement aren't a pretty combination and it makes him sick. Jongin's head spins, and he leans back to steady himself, afraid he would fall over. He doesn't know what to say, doesn't know how to think. So he stays silent and closes his eyes to calm his breathing.

"Jongin, are you okay?" Chanyeol asks, concern in his features when Jongin opens his eyes again.

He nods, "Just a little dizzy. I- I think I'm gonna be sick."

Chanyeol's expression morphs into one of hurt and disbelief, and Jongin realizes he's said something wrong again. He panics, sits straight up only to fall back against his seat, head spinning even more. Chanyeol still places a hand on Jongin's shoulder, still concerned even though his heart is broken. Jongin almost cried, shaking his head as if it could shake away the throbbing.

"I didn't - I don't mean it that way, Chanyeol. It's just, I'm feeling a lot of things right now and it makes me sick. There's too much going on."

Chanyeol purses his lips, a smile twitching there. "It's Chanyeol hyung for you, Jongin."

Jongin's attempt at a chuckle sounded like a kicked puppy whimpering and he clears his throat, relieved that Chanyeol, as usual, is trying to lighten up the mood. Seeing that Jongin is silent, Chanyeol releases a sigh and his shoulders slump. "Look, we don't have to talk about it n-"

"I want to," Jongin interrupts, nodding his head. "I- I can't push it away again, Chanyeol- I mean, hyung. I can't watch you with someone else wishing I could be the person and thinking it's impossible because I screwed up not once but a lot of times. But then Sehun told me that- that you're still waiting and I want to believe that because... because I like you, hyung. I like you a lot."

He doesn't dare himself to look at Chanyeol when he said it, keeping his gaze locked to his clasped hands until he feels Chanyeol's finger lifting his face up by the chin to meet his eyes. There's that grin Jongin loves on Chanyeol's face and he thinks he's done something right this time. But he still doesn't know what to say, so he stays as silent as he could get, waiting for Chanyeol to speak.

"Can I- Can I kiss you, Jongin?" Chanyeol asks.

Jongin has never nodded so fast in his life.

He realizes, just as Chanyeol presses his lips onto his, what he's been missing for so long. Chanyeol's lips are soft against his own and he parts them to kiss Chanyeol deeper and nothing else around them matters because Chanyeol is kissing him and he didn't know he needed it to breathe until just now. He hears the gagging sounds their friends made but they only part when he's out of breatb, fingers grasping onto the front of Chanyeol's shirt without him even knowing.

It feels good to break away from a kiss to see Chanyeol smiling at him. It feels even better to break from a kiss to see Chanyeol smiling at him while his hands rested on Jongin's hips. Jongin almost regrets keeping his feelings to himself all this time; they would have spent more time just kissing.

Jongin wants to laugh and jump and maybe kiss Sehun for helping him out. He makes sure to glance in the direction where his best friend stood with Baekhyun, sending him first an apologetic look before mouthing a "thank you". He knows he's forgiven when Sehun flips him off but still grins. Sehun's his best friend for a reason, after all.

"So," Chanyeol starts, his lower lip. "Are you mine now?"

Something inside him screams but Jongin only smiles wider. "Always have been."

A/N: Laaaate bday drabble but there is it <3