༺ o 7 o ༻

Few weeks later after Jaewon’s labor…

Kai stopped at the beach where he and Jaewon ever had the last arguments to each other. He stared at the sunset calmly enjoying the view. He slowly closed his eyes letting the strong wind hit his body. He slowly opened his eyes looking down on his feet feeling the current of the water.

He never felt calm like this after what happened.

“JAEWON WAKE UP! DON’T DO THIS TO ME”

Tears continuously flowed to Kai’s eyes punching Jaewon’s chest lightly before shrugging her non-stop.

“Doctor! Help! My wife isn’t moving! Do something!” Kai screamed hardly.

Jinhwan was looking at the scene quietly while holding the 3rd baby. He stared at Kai with wide eyes.

He gave the baby to the nurse near him before approaching Kai slowly.

“Kai” he called but Kai ignored him.

“Kai I need to ask you something” he told.

“Not now Jinhwan. My wife’s in the verge of losing her life” Kai answered his look waiting for Jaewon to wake up.

“It’s actually about Jaewon’s current state” Jinhwan blurted.

Jinhwan finally caught Kai’s attention. Kai’s questioning look left Jinhwan speechless.

‘Why didn’t you tell him Jaewon?’ Jinhwan thought and can’t help but to cover his mouth.

“What’s going on?” Kai asked furrowing his brows.

“Did Jaewon tell you that this will… happen?” Jinhwan asked wants to know Kai’s answer.

Kai just shook his head confused. “Wae? Should I expect this will happen?” Kai questioned. “What’s happening?”

“Jaewon should’ve told you this” Jinhwan muttered ruffling his hair.

“About what?” Kai asked getting impatient.

Jinhwan became quiet looking on the ground can’t believe Jaewon didn’t tell the story regarding her family background.

“About what Jinhwan? Can you please tell me?” Kai’s voice rose up his voice about to break from crying.

Jinhwan closed his eyes taking a deep breath and start to talk.

“She wouldn’t even live long. After her father told us that Jaewon’s pregnant, her life is counting. We want her to live long. We told her to abort the baby if that’s the only way for her longing life. We looked selfish thinking about that solution. It’s because we love her… we care for her. She’s… too young to be a mother… too young to die. If only you didn’t take responsibility for your mistakes, she would’ve aborted your babies Kai” Jinhwan told not making eye contact.

“There’s something going on with our family in terms of laboring—specifically Jaewon’s mother side. You’re not lucky if you’re a girl. During laboring, there’s nothing a single percent that a pregnant woman in our blood will survive. We don’t know the reason behind it. But, I think one reason of it is our becoming anemic. Jaewon’s doesn’t have the normal percent of blood cells in her. She would take medication to increase the blood cells running to her body. She stopped taking that medication knowing she’s pregnant; it will be bad if she could still take medication while carrying your children” Jinhwan continued.

“Jaewon didn’t have a chance to be with her mother for too long. She died after laboring her. It’s the same case with me and my dongsaengs. Our mother died after laboring us. We expect that this would happen to Jaewon Kai; laboring your children without having a mother--”

“Stop it” Kai stopped Jinhwan covering his face. “She will make it” Kai told not losing hope.

“Don’t expect she would live Kai. We want her to live too--”

“She’s still alive Jinhwan! Don’t have high hopes that she’ll die!” Kai hissed clenching his fist.

“And don’t have high hopes that you can still have the chance to live with her” Jinhwan told serious directly looking at Kai’s eyes. “I wished to God to have a reincarnation to Jaewon. I know it won’t happen. If only a miracle could happen to Jaewon”

“If Jaewon told you about this, you should’ve prepared for this. If you knew Jaewon’s life is losing every day, you should’ve told her all the things you want to say. If you knew about Jaewon’s state, you still have plenty of time to tell her sweet things. If you knew Jaewon’s state earlier, you wouldn’t cheat on Jaewon to a girl” Jinhwan stated sincerely.

Hearing this, Kai can’t help but fell on his knees breaking down tears stained on the ground.

From outside, Jaewon’s cousins and Kai’s friends were there observing Kai’s actions.

“He finally knows about Jaewon’s state” Baekhyun told sadly can’t help but feel but for his friend.

“I just don’t know why Jaewon doesn’t have the guts to tell the truth to Kai hyung” Chanwoo told slowly shaking his head.

“She loves him so much. She doesn’t want to see Kai hurt. If she told him earlier, she will see Kai’s hopeless state” D.O answered muttering.

“It’s still best if noona told Kai hyung earlier. If she doesn’t have guts to tell him, she should’ve instructed one of us to tell Kai instead” Donghyuk told shrugging.

“It’s best if Kai knew from Jaewon. Jaewon would look coward for not telling to Kai’s face” Luhan blurted.

“It’s too late guys. Please stop having a discussion to this? Jaewon noona is already dead for Pete’s sake. Let’s just accept Jaewon’s decision to this. You have a reasonable explanation behind Jaewon noona hiding it from Kai hyung” Junhoe told shaking his head sadly.

“Kai hyung”

Kai turned back seeing Junhoe ten feet away holding a lot of books. He slowly approached him his head lowered.

“I found this while packing noona’s stuff. It’s good if you bring it with you tomorrow going home” Junhoe told giving the books—actually a diary to Kai.

He slowly took it smiling lowly to Junhoe.

“The day before noona’s labor, she showed herself to us. She showed to say goodbye to us for the next day. We made sure to put a big smile and loud laugh to noona trying to decrease her big burden to her heart. We succeeded but it wasn’t enough. She had big smile on her lips but her eyes tell longing for someone. I think if you were there, that day would be the happiest day for her”

Junhoe tapped Kai’s back before leaving him on the beach. He took the bottom diary opening it and read the entry.

January 21, 2000

This is my first time writing a diary. I don’t actually know what I will write here. Appa bought me this diary for no particular reason. I asked him what I should write and answered that I should write the things that happened to me today.

There’s one thing I have to write today. I got discharged at the hospital after a week. I don’t even know the reason why I’m at the hospital. Appa just told me that I got hit by a car without elaborating it. I didn’t ask appa more because that’s all I need to know. Before I got discharge, the doctor gave me a medicine that’ll help me increase and improve my red blood cells since I’m anemic. I shouldn’t forget to take that medicine for my daily routine.

That’s all I can say for today. We’ll talk again diary, neh?

Kai got interested to the entries and was reading it carefully. The night was visible and he had to use the flashlight on his phone as the source of light. He doesn’t want to leave the beach because of the light feeling. He just wants to read Jaewon’s diary here.

March 3, 2001

Today is my Recognition Day. I received a lot of medals just so you know. It was heavy honestly even if appa put the first medal to me. I’m not exaggerating; maybe I’m just weak.

I wish umma was there celebrating with me earlier. She should be proud of me; clapping her hands, big smile on her face, tears of joy forming on her eyes looking straight at me. But, too bad God took her after her labor to me. It’s alright though; I got used to appa by my side every day even though he scolds me a lot. At least I still have a part of my family by my side. I’m thankful that God didn’t take appa yet. Hopefully he won’t be sooner or later because I need him by my side.

That’s all I can say today diary. I shall cherish this moment, neh?

A total of ten diaries Jaewon had wrote her day-to-day happenings. Each entry was worth reading. Most of the entries were her academic achievement, her experience being a bullied student, being alone. Some were the same content which means it happens often—specifically her bullied experience.

On the ninth diary, it was the current happening on the entries this time.

July 16, 2015

I bumped into two guys today. The first guy, who is the reason for my fall earlier, was rude and didn’t even help me to stand. For sure it was one of my classmates in a subject. I just shrug it off and find my eyeglass.

The second guy on the other hand, was the one who found my eyeglass and helped me stand earlier. I was about to thank him after putting back my eyeglass when he vanished. I didn’t see his features clearly thanks to my poor eyesight; but I saw his tall feature.

Who could you be tall guy? If I ever meet you again, I’ll thank you about earlier.

July 21, 2016

I woke up this morning in an unfamiliar room. I don’t remember how I got at that room; but I remembered I got out of the house and went to a bar to let my frustrations out. That’s it.

As soon I came out of this room, I saw Mr. Kim. I finally realized that I was at his house. I tried to remember how I got at his house. WHO put me here at this house?

Five hours had passed, Kai was still at the beach reading Jaewon’s diary. His eyes finally dried from reading but don’t feel tired and wants to finish all the entries in the diary for the night.

His soul drained reading the last month entries. All the frustration, heartbreak and hopeless life of Jaewon can be felt to the content. He controlled his eyes from forming a tear to it preventing to cry once again.

‘She experienced pain and sadness more than happiness to me. What kind of lover am I?’ he thought vigorously shrugging his head mentally.

The last sheet was blank. He closed the ninth diary before proceeding to the last diary. He raised a brow scanning a long back-to-back note from Jaewon.

February 13, 2016

Hey diary, guess what? This is the last entry I’ll be writing here. I guess I should do this again to my afterlife. I’m gonna miss you though; First of all, thank you for being by my side through my happiness and to my worst. I’m so sorry that I’m putting all my negativities to you. When I’m out of option to someone I want to tell my burdens with, you’re the only one I could think. I’m thankful that I still have someone—‘something’ beside me. I want to share it to Jongin though; too bad I’m not on good terms with him right now.

Tomorrow’s the last day of my existence just so you know. I don’t know if you can make it on time, but I have high hopes that you’re beside me after the labor.

If you’re beside me tomorrow, I’ll be glad; you’re the only one I want to see for the last time. I have to tell you something. It is long though and I can’t say it all during my labor tomorrow. I won’t forget to say ‘I Love you’; it is at least the sweet word I have to say with all the pain I’ll leave for you.

Mianhe Jongin. Although I want to say that I’m already dying, I don’t want to see the pain in your expression; I’ll be hopeless and won’t even last a day crying being a coward. I want to say to you face-to-face but I’m afraid how you’ll react to it. It is best if I told you but you will know when one of our close ones say to you; my cousins, appa, your appa… your friends. Why can’t I have the enough guts to say to you Jongin? It’s unfair on your side because I told it to your close ones than you. I will apologize to you in this matter even I’m dead until you forgive me.

I forgive you already Jongin. I saw the effort you’ve done the past days. My cousins told me about your hard time you need to encounter. I’m sorry if they acted cold and rude to you. They do care for me a lot. They over reacted after I told them about you and Choa. I had to contemplate for a long time the reason why you did that to me. Maybe I lacked something and you had to find something to satisfy yourself.

Jongin, I’m sorry I won’t be with you for the later years. I want to really; but I’m too weak. I want to take care of our kids with you. I want to see our kids learn as they grow up… I really do. I want to experience what parents do with their children until their last breath.

You take care of our children, neh? Raise them well, arasso? Be their father slash mother to them, okay? It’s up to you what will you name to our kids. If I could just live longer I would name them Daehan, Mingguk, and Manse. I’ve been watching those kids in T.V and they’re so adorable. Tell them the truth about my absence to this family. It’s best if they know the truth in order for them to be aware and accept the fact.

I know it’ll be hard for you Jongin since you don’t have a partner to companion with in raising the kids. I’ll be by your side and to the kids always. If things aren’t right, don’t be afraid to