Joy smiles at the sight of Seulgi leaning against her car, hands in her pocket and kicking at the grass in boredom. She makes her way and stops in front of the other girl, giving her a bone crushing hug before the latter has any chance to respond. Seulgi’s lukewarm pat on her waist before shrugging herself out of the hug disappointed Joy, but she smiled it off, giving a peck on Seulgi’s cheeks. Seulgi just gestures for her to get in before getting around to the driver’s seat, not even bothering to open the car door for her.

 

Joy sighs dejectedly. Seulgi has been giving her the cold treatment for a few days now, and she didn’t understand what she did wrong. Her imagination tells her that maybe there’s another girl, maybe Seulgi got bored of her, but she shakes them off, refusing to believe in them. She gets into the car, and Seulgi doesn’t even say anything to her before driving off, or on the way there, or even when they arrived at the restaurant.

 

Seulgi has been staring at her phone the whole time, avoiding conversation with Joy and the latter is getting frustrated, annoyed even at Seulgi’s behavior. The food arrives and Seulgi just continues to stare at her phone, not even sparing a glance at Joy, or asking if the food was to her taste, just stuffing herself, and staring at that damn phone. Joy wipes on the towel napkin and throws it on the table.

 

“You know, if you are too busy to have dinner with me, you can just tell me in advance.” Joy stomps off, stopping in front of the restaurant to take a deep breath of air. To hell with that stupid dumb bear. She’s about to walk off to the nearest train station when she feels a hand curling around her wrist and she turns around to see Seulgi, and she realizes that this is the most intimate skin ship the other girl had initiated this past few days.

 

“I will drive you home.”

 

--

 

The car stops in front of Joy’s house, and the girl instantly clambers out of the car, not even bothering to thank Seulgi for the ride. Before she can even get onto her front lawn, Seulgi’s hand is on her wrist again, tugging her, stopping her from moving. “Hey, I have something to tell you.”

 

Joy flings Seulgi’s grip away, turning to look at the other girl with her arms crossed over her chest. “You have 5 minutes.”

 

Seulgi lets go of her wrist (to Joy’s disappointment), and leans against her car, hands in her pocket, looking anywhere but at Joy. Joy taps her feet impatiently against the floor, with a “So?” look on her face, waiting for Seulgi to say something. The older girl doesn’t and Joy turns around, ready to walk away when she does, she says something Joy has expected, but not looking forward to.

 

“Let’s… break up.”

 

Joy stays rooted to her spot, not daring to turn around, not wanting to let Seulgi see the tears already streaming down her face. She only trusts herself to let go of one word, “Why?”

 

“I’m sorry, the ‘feel’ is just not there anymore, you know? I’m so sorry, Sooyoung-ah.”

 

Joy turns around, and Seulgi actually looks guilty seeing the tears on her face. She steps closer to the older girl, giving her a tight slap before running back into her house.

 

--

 

Her right cheek stings, that’s for sure, but why does her heart hurt too? Seulgi finds her cheeks damp in a minute, tears flowing down nonstop. She brings the car to a stop, not trusting her condition to be one which is fit to drive. It’s a good thing the streets are empty at this timing of the night, and she chuckles as she rests her head against the steering wheel, hearing the honk sound out loud and clear. It was just as empty as her heart now. She hears her own tears dripping down and hitting the wheel and she finds herself hitting the steering wheel again, and again, and again. The pain from Joy’s slap was nothing as compared to the pain in her chest now. Clutching her chest, she sobs. “I’m so sorry, Sooyoung-ah… It’s for your own good…”

 

--

 

“Unnie!” Yeri flies into Joy’s embrace once the older girl makes her way into the house, oblivious to the tears her sister was spilling. Joy attempts to wipe her face dry, while returning Yeri’s hug half-heartedly. “What’s up little dwarf…”

 

Yeri pulls away, smile on her face instantly wiped off when she sees Joy’s face. “Unnie… why are you crying?”

 

“Oh, it’s nothing,” Joy replies, hand running across her face harshly, trying to wipe her face clean.

 

“Do you want me to call Seulgi-unnie for you?” Yeri asks, innocent eyes staring at Joy.

 

“It’s okay Yeri…”

 

“But Seulgi-unnie told me to call her whenever you are upset! So I’m going to call her now!”

 

“SHE’S NOT COMING! NOT NOW, NOT TOMORROW, NEVER AGAIN, OKAY?!” Yeri gets shocked at Joy’s outburst; she has never seen her older sister so angry before. Sure, there was that one time where she broke her mom’s favorite vase and pushed the blame to her, but other than that, she doesn’t remember any other time where her sister had outright reprimanded her, or was mean to her.

 

“I… I was just trying to help…” Yeri voices out timidly, biting her lips to stop her own tears from running.

 

Joy sighs, squats down and pulls Yeri into a hug. “I’m so sorry, Yeri-ah, Unnie is just in a bad mood today, don’t be mad at Unnie, okay?”

 

The older girl feels Yeri nodding against the crook of her neck, and small arms tightening around her waist. “I’m sorry too Unnie, for making you upset.”

 

Joy smiles because of her sister’s antics, but she still feels her tears streaming, and she snuggles a little tighter into her sister’s embrace that gives her comfort, despite the small frame.

 

--

 

Seulgi hears the door clicking and footsteps echoing, making their way to her room. She knows who the guest is even before she announces herself and just lifts a hand as an acknowledgment when she sees Wendy leaning against the door of her room. Wendy takes more time than usual to make her way to the bed, tip toeing her way around the mess on her floor and Seulgi finally feels the mattress sinking and Wendy gives her a reassuring pat on the shoulder.

 

“Why did you do that? I told you to tell her, not break up with her.” Wendy says, carefully but not beating around the bush.

 

Seulgi chuckles. “What do I tell her? That I have a chronic kidney disease and she will have to take care of me for the rest of her life? That’s cruel; I can’t just impose this on her.”

 

“But you can’t just take away her right to choose too. I know she will definitely stay if you told her the truth.”

 

“That’s what I’m worried about. I don’t want her to stay. She deserves better than to stay with a sick person.”

 

“Seul…”

 

The said girl turns her back towards Wendy. “I’m tired.”

 

Wendy knows that’s her cue to leave and she just squeezes Seulgi’s shoulder before standing up. “Call me if you need anything. And remember to go for dialysis tomorrow.”

 

She waves Wendy off and waits to hear the front door click shut before sighing and burying her head in her pillow. Seulgi feels another fit of tears coming again and she curls up into a ball, tugging her legs to her chest, wanting her pain in her chest to stop, wanting the damn disease to go away.

 

--

 

Seulgi is crying like a baby and Joy stifles her laughter while running her hand up and down the former’s back. They have just finished watching Seulgi’s current favorite drama, but the older girl can’t seem to stop crying even though it was a happy ending.

 

“Aigoo, that wasn’t even that touching but you are crying buckets here. Please stop crying, hmm?” Joy tries to comfort the older girl, but the latter seems to have no intention of stopping.

 

“It was so touching! Cha Do Hyun sent Oh Ri Jin away even though he really likes her and wants her to be by his side!” Seulgi spurts out and bursts out crying.

 

“Does it make you feel better if I say I will be like Oh Ri Jin who chose to come back to be his secret physician?”

 

“No? Because I think I will die earlier if you are my doctor.” Seulgi jokes and Joy immediately sends a playful hit to Seulgi’s shoulder. Seulgi laughs. “I’m kidding, but still no.”

 

“Why?” Joy pouts and Seulgi smiles while moving to peck the pout away. “Because there’s a reason why Cha Do Hyun sent her away in the first place, it’s dangerous to come back.”

 

“Yah but if she didn’t come back, they won’t end up together in the end you pabo-yah.”

 

Seulgi seems to be thrown into deep thoughts at this. “It’s okay if I know you will end up better without me.”

 

Joy narrows her eyes at Seulgi and launches a tickling attack on the older girl, causing the older girl to squirm and try to escape the reincarnation of Satan, which ultimately led to the two landing on the floor, laughing and giggling. Joy straightens Seulgi’s arms and uses it as a head rest and the latter immediately clicks her tongue at this. “Did you even ask for my permission?”

 

“You are mine though, so do I have to ask myself for permission?” Joy snuggles tighter into the crook of Seulgi’s neck. Seulgi laughs and Joy can feel the vibrations from her laughs and it tickles, in a good way. They stay like that for a while, before Joy looks up at the older girl. “Yah, promise me that you will not send me away if you are sick?”

 

Seulgi tries to stare angrily at Joy, but it just comes off as cute to Joy. She knocks Joy lightly on the forehead with her knuckles. “Yah?! I’m your unnie you disrespectful brat.”

 

“You have to tell me, okay?” Joy reaffirms again and Seulgi just pulls Joy tighter into her embrace. “Okay fine whatever you want you disrespectful brat.”

 

“Your disrespectful brat.” Joy replies, a smug smile on her face. Seulgi places a chaste kiss on Joy’s forehead and Joy can feel it spreading into a smile. “Yep, all mine.”

 

Seulgi opens her eyes, and she’s back to reality, harsh reality where there is no Sooyoung, but white washed ceilings and walls that reeked of antiseptic, dialysis machines that clicked and gurgled while they ran. She places a hand over her eyes, not wanting to attract attention with her emotional outburst. Her phone vibrates, and she brings it up, checking the message, which surprising is from Sooyoung herself.

 

From Sooyoungie:

Seulgi-unnie! Unnie said you weren’t going to reply or visit us ever again, but can you please just come for my graduation ceremony? You promised last time!

 

Seulgi chuckles as she realizes it’s Yeri who had probably typed the message.

 

To Sooyoungie:

I will try to make it if I’m free, Yeri-mi~ How is your unnie recently?

 

From Sooyoungie:

I take that as a yes! She isn’t very well… she pretends she’s okay in front of me, but I can hear her crying in her room at night. Seulgi-unnie, why does unnie act that way?

 

Seulgi’s heart clenches.

 

To Sooyoungie:

You will understand when you get older.

 

From Sooyoungie:

Unnie said the same thing! Wow do you guys have telepathy or something?

 

Seulgi chuckles and is about to reply when another message comes through.

 

From Sooyoungie:

Okay gotta go Unnie is probably going to come out from her shower already, see you during my graduation ceremony!

 

Seulgi shakes her head at Yeri’s antics and her heart immediately clenches as she recalls Yeri’s words. Joy hasn’t been coping well(well neither has she), but she convinces herself that it’s better for Sooyoung this way, without a sick person keeping her back in her life. She doesn’t want Sooyoung to suffer with her.

 

--

 

Against her better judgment, Seulgi finds herself in Yeri’s high school as she jostles in the crowd to find the younger girl. It’s difficult to spot Yeri in the crowd, but it helps to keep her camouflaged from Joy, if she’s here. She walks towards where Yeri’s class is supposed to be at, and spots the girl talking animatedly with her friends. It doesn’t take the girl long to spot Seulgi, and the latter waves at Yeri, who immediately runs into Seulgi’s arms. Seulgi chuckles as she pats the younger girl’s head. “Congrats kiddo!”

 

“Thanks Seulgi-unnie! I’m so glad you really came!” Yeri says as she pulls away, bright smile never faltering.

 

“I promised, right?” Seulgi replies as she smiles, Yeri’s happiness apparently infectious.

 

“I’m sure Unnie will be glad to see you!”

 

At the mention of Sooyoung, the smile falls from Seulgi’s face and she pulls away from Yeri. “I’m sorry, Yeri-ah, I have to go alr…”

 

“Yeri!” Seulgi hears the familiar voice and curses inwardly. She watches as Sooyoung appears, looking at Yeri while beaming, only to notice her and the smile disappears; face immediately serious, with a hint of anger in her eyes. Yeri runs to greet her sister with the same fervor previously, oblivious to Joy’s condition. The older girl pats her younger sister on the back half-heartedly, only focusing on Seulgi, boring holes into the girl with the way she was glaring at her. Yeri pulls away and Joy turns her attention to the former, forcing a smile on her face. “Let’s go home.”

 

“But, Seulgi-unnie’s here! Let’s go eat fried chicken at that place in Myeongdong again!” Yeri whines, tugging at her older sister’s clothes.

 

“I said, we are going home, and that’s that!” Joy snarls and Yeri jumps a little, startled, before tears start to well up in her eyes. Seulgi frowns and pulls Yeri into a hug. “Your unnie’s kidding, we will go for the fried chicken, okay?”

 

She runs her hand up and down the younger girl’s back, trying to calm her down before turning to look at Sooyoung. “No need to scare the girl like that, Sooyoung-ah.”

 

“I don’t need people to teach me how to communicate with my sister.” Joy says with gritted teeth, stomping out of the school hall without a word, not wanting to cause a scene.

 

--

 

They had gone for the fried chicken at Myeongdong in the end, and Seulgi is driving them back home now. Yeri has fallen asleep in the back seat, and Sooyoung has been silent the whole time, looking out the window the whole time. She stops the car in front of Sooyoung’s house, but the girl remains unmoving in her seat. Seulgi unbuckles her own seatbelt. “I will help you with Ye…”

 

Sooyoung grips Seulgi’s arms tightly, halting the older girl, but Seulgi winces at the burning sensation as Sooyoung is pressing down on the needle holes from her dialysis treatment. Sooyoung feels the bandage beneath her Marvel jumper and immediately pulls the sleeves back before Seulgi can stop her. “What is this?!”

 

Seulgi keeps silent, only pulling her arms away and pulling the sleeves back down. Sooyoung talks again, and Seulgi’s heart breaks at how Sooyoung’s voice is quivering, like she is about to cry. “You promised… you promise to tell me everything! If you are taking drugs, I can help you quit, you just have to tell me! Just what are you hiding from me?!”

 

At Seulgi’s continued silence, Sooyoung wipes her tears, making up her mind. “Forget it, you know what? Just don’t tell me. I’m not interested anyway.”

 

She gets out of the car and slams the door, opening the back car door to get Yeri. Yeri mumbles a small goodbye, before getting out of the car quickly, very obviously having heard the conversation between the two. Seulgi watches as the two make their way into the house, and leans her head against the head rest. She has already hurt Sooyoung, there is no turning back now. She has made her choice, and if there’s one thing Seulgi’s good at, it’s going to the end if she puts her mind to it. So she starts the engine and drives away, even as tears start to spill down her face.

 

She stops a junction later, barely able to see anything with her tears streaming down her face, so she calls for help. “Wan-ah, help me…”

 

--

 

Wendy comes prompt enough and Seulgi finds herself home and tucked in her bed in a blink of an eye. This time, Wendy doesn’t nag; she just tucks Seulgi in and whispers a goodnight before heading out.

 

“Wan-ah.” Seulgi calls out, stopping Seungwan at the door.

 

“Do you think I made the right choice?”

 

“Even if I said no, you are still going to do it aren’t you?” Wendy says and Seulgi thinks that Seungwan’s the best type of friend, those that know that a decision or plan is crazy, but still goes along with it because she’s your friend and she’s there to back you up no matter what.

 

She smiles, even though Wendy can’t see it. “Goodnight, Wan-ah.”

 

--

 

Seulgi continues her dialysis treatment and quits her job. Wendy provides her with groceries and basically pays for all her basic needs (the perks of having a rich friend), but she doesn’t skive either, rekindling with her passion for drawing, which unexpectedly, sells well, and earns just as well. Seungwan can provide for her material needs, but Seulgi finds herself lonely and craving for a companion more often than not. And more often than not, she thinks about Sooyoung, what the girl is doing, how she is now and if she has recovered already. She doesn’t want to admit it, but she misses Sooyoung. Terribly.

 

--

 

Sooyoung grunts as she makes her way to the hospital. She has just finished a 2 hour lecture, and it’s only fair that she gets a cold caramel macchiato while relaxing at some fancy cafe, but no, here she is, climbing the hill that leads to Seoul Hospital because of her stupid cousin. She shouldn’t even help him, but he promised 5 buffet meals for that stupid document she’s going to pick up. She’s thinking of making it 10 now. She finally makes it up the damn hill and she strides into the hospital, sighing as the air condition hits her. Looking at the directory, she searches for ‘Nephrology’ and takes the lift up to the level.

 

She stops the first person she sees, and the name tag labels the person as ‘Suho’. “Hi I’m sorry, but I’m here to pick up something for Chanyeol?”

 

Suho gives a knowing ‘Ah!’ and promises to be back with the document, disappearing into a room. Sooyoung takes her time to wonder around, seeing patients in different rooms. Her blood runs cold when she spots a familiar looking face among the patients. She never expected to see anyone she knows within all these people, but she does, and she wishes her eyes are playing tricks on her. Seulgi sits at the far corner of the room, attached to the machine by the arm just like all the other patients on this floor, bent over a sketchbook busily sketching with her free hand. Seeing Seulgi like that brings up feelings that Sooyoung doesn’t like and has tried so hard to ignore for months already. Frustration, anguish, heartbreak, sadness. She has tried so hard to ignore all these, and with the decreasing thoughts of Seulgi that passes her mind, Sooyoung thinks she’s over Seulgi, but just by seeing Seulgi in the bed over there brings up all those emotions again.

 

She spots Seulgi looking up and she immediately hides behind the wall, not knowing why. Suho approaches just then, holding out a folder. “Here it is! Sorry for the wait!”

 

“Suho-ssi,” she asks, and she hopes the guy doesn’t find her rude for this is the first time they are meeting, “what is this department in charge of? I have heard of neurology, but not nephrology.”

 

“We deal with the problems of the human body’s kidneys.”

 

--

 

Sooyoung stumbles out of the hospital, gripping onto a pillar for support. Kidney failure… Seulgi has kidney failure… She doesn’t know how, but she finds herself on a bench and she thanks herself for it because she no longer trusts her legs as she absorbs the information. She should have known… the bandage… yes; it was for covering up needle holes, not from injection of drugs as Sooyoung had first thought, but for dialysis treatment. She should have trusted Seulgi, should have stayed and made it better, but she didn’t.

 

Rain starts to fall, and the other people run indoors to seek shelter. Only Sooyoung remains, pulling her knees to her chest, letting her tears mix with the rain. At least people can’t tell that she’s crying like that, it’s embarrassing to get caught crying. She wills the rain to wash her guilt away, but it only makes her feel worse, her chest feeling heavier as she whizzes and chokes from her sobs. The rain stops pouring over her head, and she spots a familiar pair of Adidas from her peripheral view.

 

“You are going to get sick this way.”

 

She doesn’t even have to turn to register the owner of the voice as Seulgi. She buries her face between her knees. “I don’t care.”

 

She feels Seulgi squatting down in front of her, tapping her lightly at her feet. “But I do.”

 

“Then would you let me care for you too?” Sooyoung looks up, not even caring if she lets Seulgi sees her ugly crying face. Seulgi looks a little stunned, but nevertheless stays put in front of the younger girl. She sighs and raises her hands to wipe off the tears from Sooyoung’s face. “Sooyoung…”

 

Sooyoung pulls her by the collar and Seulgi drops the umbrella; the two crashing into each other with a sloppy kiss. Seulgi can feel Sooyoung’s tears amidst the rain and the kiss, and she feels the sadness, the heartbreak and the guilt for not being there. Sooyoung pulls away, resting her forehead against Seulgi as they both pant. “Please?”

 

Seulgi hates it when Sooyoung pleads like that, because she always gives in. She looks into Sooyoung’s eyes that are shimmering with tears and any remaining hesitation flies right out of the window. “Alright.”

 

Sooyoung engulfs her in a hug, still sobbing as Seulgi reciprocates, running her hands up and down the younger girl’s back. Seulgi feels selfish, she feels that she’s holding the girl back, but she just can’t say no to a heartbroken Sooyoung. A heartbroken Sooyoung caused by her. Maybe Sooyoung will finally realize the pain and burden that comes with loving a sick person after a while, and maybe she would want out by then. Seulgi promises to let her go then, but till then, maybe, just maybe, staying together would be better for both of them, for their own good.

 

A/N: DUN DUN DUN. inspired by this drama where the female lead gets kidney failure too, but the boyfriend doesn't stay... 

kill me heal me reference (Oh Ri Jin and Cha Do Hyun) cos i love that drama!! 

do tell me what you think about this pretty angsty one-shot :P but i did have fun writing it though :)

check out my other stories too!!