Jessica always used to complain that she had the worst luck ever. The eight of us just laughed it off when her phone randomly stopped working, or when she constantly lost at rock paper scissors. But, when we got a phone call from our distraught manager one morning, none of us laughed.

It was in the news the next morning: several bystanders (most of them fans) told reporters that on her way back from an interview regarding her new fashion line, Jessica was hit while crossing the street by a speeding white van. I never imagined how strange it would be hearing about the death, near-death, or possible-death of a close friend on TV. Although it is just informing the masses like news is supposed to do, it somehow makes me so angry—after all, who are they to keep bringing up Jessica's name to show sympathy for her friends and family? Why on earth would we give a damn about your "support" when we barely know you and just telling us we have your support isn't very supportive or uplifting at all. It just feels so impersonal and insincere: Jessica Jung just got critically injured and she might die oh how horrible we'll pray for her as well as her friends and family now back to the weather forecast.

I often wonder if everyone feels like this in this situation, or if I'm just bitter and cynical.

I've refused to humiliate myself by crying in public so I've been forced to apologize for not grieving the right way. I finally cried in an interview (as requested by my manager: he said netizens were becoming suspicious that maybe I had something to do with Jessica's accident) and gained back the support of most of my fans; aside from the ones who now believe I'm an attention . I don't feel any better. Maybe I would prefer it if my career went down the drain, but I can't do that to the others.

Yesterday, we were officially given three weeks hiatus to rest because Tiffany had a mental breakdown or something and had to be hospitalized. Another member in the hospital. All I can do is hope and hope and hope and cry and comfort and hope. I’m powerless, and that’s what makes this so terrifying.

It's been a week since the accident and she still hasn't woken up. They haven't even let us visit her yet because of her unstable condition—we would get in the way if something were to happen.

I'm worried about Seohyun. She's been buried in her books even more than usual lately; she doesn't eat unless one of us brings the food into her room and watches her until she's finished. Come to think of it, I'm worried about all of them. All of us. Nobody's the same as they were. Sunny tries to pretend the hardest—even we were fooled by her usual upbeat attitude at first—but she doesn't realize that her pillow doesn't do much to muffle her sobs in the middle of the night.

Tiffany was released today and hasn't made a sound since she's been back. I was just relieved that she ate dinner and used the bathroom without any nudging or forcing from us, because I'm starting to doubt that any of us had the vitality to do much persuading.

Our group might not make it out of this in one piece. SM extended the hiatus to a month in order to ensure us a complete recovery; though if they listened to anything our manager had to say, the real reason was because they knew it was impossible to resume our activities and expect us to be the "perfect princesses" that everyone thought we were.

Three weeks after the accident. We can finally visit.

"Girls, try to act normally while you're in there. Jessica's struggling to comprehend everything that's happened to her; your encouragement and confidence would surely cheer her up." The nurse suggested. Without giving her a response, we all hurried past her into Jessica's room.

I'm not sure what we were expecting, but I'm certain none of us was expecting this: an utterly broken Jessica, attached to a ventilator, staring straight ahead at the wall even when we entered the room.

"Hey, guys." Came a raspy, unrecognizable voice. She could barely talk. Tiffany immediately sprinted for the door (we could hear her dry heaving just outside but we didn't react, hoping that if we ignored it, Jessica wouldn't notice); Hyoyeon and Sunny covered their mouths to silence their shaky breathing; while Yoona, Yuri, Sooyoung, and Seohyun all began to sob. This "act cheerful" thing isn't going so well. I tried my best to stay calm—it is my duty after all, to be strong for the group—but several sneaky tears managed to escape before they were instantly swiped away by the back of my hand. Jessica watched all of us; and, overwhelmed with emotion, she started crying too.

The girls returned back to the dorm after they collected themselves and bid an emotional farewell to Jessica. I don't blame them; I'm mentally exhausted right now, I would've left already myself had Jessica not given me an obvious look when we were all ready to go. Our manager promised me that he'd be back in ten minutes or so but that he would wait if I needed more time.

It took a while for Jessica to speak; she was probably preparing herself, as it seemed painful to get the words out. "I'll never walk again, Taeyeon. Hell, I'll never even be able to breathe on my own." I winced at the resignation in her tone.

Praying that I wouldn't say the wrong thing, I said, "No, Sica, you don't know that! I-I mean, people recover from this type of stuff all the time, right? We're so medically advanced these days I wouldn't be surprised if--"

"Taeyeon! They've already practically told me there's nothing they can do but make me comfortable."

"Well we could find a second opinion! I'm sure there's someone--"

"Anyone who could possibly help is already here: this is the best hospital in the country."

"That doesn't mean it's the best in the world! I could call around and--"

"Taeyeon, just face it: I'm finished. If I fight the truth it'll only be more devastating when they tell me directly that I'm going to die stuck in this bed." Jessica replied with conviction. I can’t take it: how can she have come to terms with her impending death when the others haven’t? When I haven’t?

I rushed from the hospital room like a coward and into our manager. On the ride home, he drove without a word as I broke down in the backseat.

Over the next few days, everyone seemed to be getting better. The girls often visited Jessica to talk (about everything but the group and Jessica’s health) for hours (although it was mostly them doing the talking). My spirits were definitely higher than before: instead of worrying about our careers I focused on the improvements I saw in the girls' moods and the fact that Jessica could've had an abrupt death—could’ve left without a chance for goodbyes—but didn't. Just as I was trying to think positively, my bubble was burst.

"Wha--that's out of the question!" I was in disbelief at Jessica's request. Complete, absolute, disbelief. "How could you even...no, this must be the drugs talking. The Jessica I know would never say anything like this!" My frenzied mind caused me to rapidly pace back and forth in front of Jessica's bed as if that would bring clarity.

"Taeyeon, please. Think about it. Think about me. I can't do anything. Krystal visited me yesterday and I could barely talk to her; I couldn't ask all the questions about her life and well being that an older sister should ask. Do you realize how depressing it is to be so inept? The doctors know that they can't do anything to make me better. I'm already starting to get these rashes from lying down all day; the nurse told me that as it gets worse they'll eventually have to amputate the limb," I can't just accept this, can I? It would be horrible of me to decide Jessica's death when there are others who would miss her dearly. I can't make that choice for them. For her. "If this was happening to you, wouldn't you want to die on your own terms instead of slowly, painfully deteriorating in front of your loved ones' eyes?"

"I-I guess, but—Jessica, I just don't know if I can do it. It would be completely unfair to the girls. To Krystal," Taeyeon chuckled at the mention of Jessica's sister, "You know she can't even make a sandwich without calling you for help."

Jessica smiled wistfully, "You're right about that. She never could do anything herself," Several seconds went by with her just staring off into space reminiscing on the past; she snapped out of it with a nostalgic look on her face, but it soon morphed into a bitter expression when she remembered where she really was. "But I've already come up with a plan—there's not much else to do but think when you're trapped in a bed all day. You need to convince the girls to kidnap me at night so we can go on a little trip. I'll try to convince Krystal when she visits me later today."

Although I attempted to fight Jessica on this as much as I could, I knew she'd made her decision days ago. She'd find a way to die whether she had my help or not and I didn't want my abandoning her to be the last thing she thought of me when it happens.

---

“Wait, let me check if I heard correctly…you want us to help kidnap Jessica?!” asked an incredulous Sooyoung when I pitched the proposal to the group.

Before chaos erupted, I tried to clarify, “No! I mean…not really kidnap per say. She consented; and I’m pretty sure anyone can leave a hospital if they want. We just have to make sure manager-oppa or any crazy fans don’t catch us. Most of the fans have thankfully backed off a little since the accident, but we still need to be careful.”

This time, it was Yoona who spoke up. “I’m confused. What exactly are we doing once we kidnap her? What’s the whole goal of this mission?” A few of the others nodded at the question, assumedly just as perplexed as Yoona.

“Uh…that’s a great question, Yoona! But we’ll have to ask Jessica when we get there, because she hasn’t really explained it to me yet.” I admitted with a sheepish grin.

After persistent prodding, the girls, albeit reluctantly, agreed to hear Jessica’s plan before disregarding the seemingly ludicrous proposition.

---

“Okay, now that you’ve actually explained your plan, it…still sounds completely ridiculous! Jessi, are you sure the medication they’ve been giving you hasn’t been affecting your mind?” Tiffany asked worriedly after Jessica had finished her elaborations.

“Yes, Tiff, I’m pretty sure I’m completely sane. Well, as sane as I usually am.” Jessica answered, looking around at all of the other members crowded in her hospital room, addressing them as well. “I know that many of you may not agree with it, but I hope that you’ll consider and respect my wishes as I would yours.”

The whole room went silent, the atmosphere noticeably tense as the girls attempted to come to terms with Jessica’s decision and reign in their judgements and upset. Seohyun was particularly noticed: her unwavering morals and strict beliefs wildly rebelled against everything Jessica’s plan entailed, and the girls knew that. Some watched with hesitance and fear, others with pity at the clear struggle in Seohyun’s features. Hyoyeon laid a comforting hand on her back.

It seemed like ages before Seohyun finally spoke, until finally, “As you unnies probably guessed, it is very hard for me to understand and agree with this. I was raised under certain principles, and everything you want to do—want me to participate in—goes against those principles,” she let out a sigh before continuing, “however…I love all of my unnies, and want to make them happy. I also know that you’re very stubborn, Jessica-unnie, and that you’ll find a way eventually even if I don’t help or try to stop you. So…that’s it.” Seohyun finished in a choked voice, unable to continue as the tears in her eyes overflowed, running down her cheeks.

There were murmurings of agreement from everyone in the room, followed by uncontrollable sobbing (from all parties) until we reluctantly departed, with promises of returning late that night. We didn’t disappoint—wearing various forms of dark clothing, hats, and props that might make us look more like staff, we snuck into the van manager-oppa uses with us and drove to the hospital, where Krystal was already waiting. We were ready to leave. This decision couldn’t be reversed. It would be with us forever, and we were ready to accept that.

---

It was all over the news later that afternoon. First, that she was missing from the hospital; then, in the evening, they found her. Us. Sitting resolutely, holding hands, on the hill we visited often as trainees to watch the sunrise. Jessica was in the middle, a cold, limp hand clasped tightly by both Krystal and I. She wanted to watch the sunrise with us one more time before her heart stopped beating. Initially, we cried a lot, but we’re slowly learning to think of the great life Jessica lived instead of how tragically she left our world. I think it’s the only way to save us from being consumed by it. The grief, the sadness. The law enforcement is—needless to say—confused (especially since none of us are talking, and even if we wanted to SM wouldn’t allow it), so everything is up in the air in that area, but truthfully, I don’t care about that. I’m just glad we could end everything like we started. As one.