I Never Stopped

It began with a promise.

Everything did at some point; it was just a matter of fulfilling or breaking it.

Sehun thinks he had been too naïve to believe it when Baekhyun promised but there was no one he trusted more than his fiancé. Baekhyun isn’t a bad person; Baekhyun makes Sehun the happiest, the most peaceful, the most content. He’s never done anything to intentionally break his promises but Baekhyun has never been good with them either. Sehun guesses he could live with it because it has been so long and he is still helplessly in love with the boy. Just the thought of ever breaking up hurts.

He understands, most of the time, that Baekhyun has a very important and well-praised career. He is proud of Baekhyun for achieving so far, living up to his dreams because nothing else seems to matter but Baekhyun’s happiness. Sehun lives to see the sparkle in Baekhyun’s bright eyes and the smile that lights up his whole universe, to hear the boy laugh and light in his voice. Baekhyun’s job is something everyone praises him for and even though most of the time he comes home tired, Sehun knows Baekhyun loves his job. He knows, so he makes it okay that Baekhyun is rarely home.

He misses spending time with Baekhyun, though. The older boy often apologizes for his lack of attention for Sehun because of work and fatigue whenever he comes home. Sehun always brushes it off with a kiss on Baekhyun’s temple and then he would tuck them under the blankets and hold Baekhyun in his arms until the older boy falls asleep. Sehun is so in love that even listening to Baekhyun’s tiny snores makes him smile. He thinks he’s helpless but he doesn’t want anything to change.

But there is only so much Sehun could take. Baekhyun has taken up a case that has gone on longer than usual and most of the time he comes home frustrated, going to bed wordlessly even as he lets Sehun hold him as he sleeps. Sehun understands that it’s angering Baekhyun that he hasn’t succeeded in capturing the suspect; being the head agent of the FBI, Baekhyun has never failed so many times. And as much as Sehun tries to understand, he misses Baekhyun and he craves the attention he’s lost.

It feels awful to come home from work to an empty house, always an empty house. Today isn’t any different from yesterday or the day before. Sehun comes home from a long day at his shop, intentionally coming home an hour later than usual to see if Baekhyun would be home earlier. He hasn’t hoped too much but his heart still sinks when he opens the door to an empty and dark living room. Baekhyun isn’t home, as usual, and Sehun lets out a sigh as he readies for bed. He makes sure to leave dinner in the fridge, decided to turn in early because there’s a throbbing in his head that only sleep could heal.

He leaves a note on the counter to inform Baekhyun that he only needs to heat up dinner that Sehun has left in the fridge, with a side note saying he’s sorry for not waiting up and that he has a headache. He prays Baekhyun would come home safely before he sleeps, something he does every night as he still worries for Baekhyun’s safety. He’s certain that Baekhyun would be there when he wakes up, which is why when he couldn’t find Baekhyun in his arms in the morning, Sehun’s first reaction is to call Baekhyun’s mobile, worry weighing a ton in his chest it became difficult to breathe.

At the second ring, the front door opens and Baekhyun trots in with tired eyes and a lazy smile. Sehun couldn’t be mad, at least not yet, so all he does is pull Baekhyun onto his lap and kisses his fiancé, relieved that Baekhyun has come home, exhausted but safe. Baekhyun falls asleep in his arms and Sehun sighs as he takes a few moments studying Baekhyun’s features before he carries the boy to their room, tucks him under the blanket and lets him sleep. Baekhyun doesn’t wake up until dinner.

Sehun thinks it’s as good time as any to spend some quality hours with Baekhyun. He prepares dinner for two and waits for Baekhyun to take a shower before bringing the boy to the table. Baekhyun’s smiling the way he did every time they celebrate their anniversary and Sehun has a good feeling that tonight would actually be one of those that he gets to spend with Baekhyun. It has actually been awhile.

“Smells delicious, as always,” Baekhyun comments, placing a kiss onto Sehun’s cheek before taking a seat opposite the taller male. “I haven’t eaten something you cook in ages. I miss this.”

Sehun smiles as they began eating, “I miss it, too, hyung. I figured we both did and since you’re home tonight, I thought we could make up for the times we’ve lost.”

Baekhyun hums, nodding as he chews and swallows. “Time’s never been on our side, has it? If I could kill it, I really would. I’m so sorry I haven’t been home a lot for you. I keep thinking about you whenever I’m at work, though. Probably why this case is going nowhere.” He playfully adds.

“Please don’t let me be a distraction,” Sehun chuckles, “As soon as you close this case, we’ll celebrate, as usual. And then we can get a lot more time.”

They share a smile before a comfortable silence takes over as they ate dinner and Sehun is about to part his lips and tell Baekhyun about his flower shop when Baekhyun’s phone started ringing. Baekhyun excuses himself but stays seated, shooting Sehun an apologetic look that he brushes off with a smile. He watches as Baekhyun speaks to the person on the other line, something along the lines of ‘don’t let him get away’ and ‘I will be there as soon as I can’. Sehun’s chewing of is food slows as he finally realizes that his plans for the night has been ruined, his smile faltering even as he tries to keep it.

When Baekhyun stuffs his phone back into his pockets, he breathes out a huff but Sehun doesn’t look up at him. “Sehun, baby, I’m sorry but I have to go now. They got the suspect’s whereabouts. I might be able to arrest him tonight. It’ll be over soon, I promise.”

I promise. When was the last time Baekhyun kept his promise? Sehun couldn’t remember. He’s tempted to say something to let Baekhyun know he’s upset but it would be unfair because they both know Baekhyun’s presence is important for the job he’s in. So he only asks, “Won’t you finish dinner first?”

Baekhyun apologizes again, “It’s urgent, Sehun. I’ll see you later, okay? You don’t have to wait up for me. I might come home really late again.”

“Just don’t forget to come home,” Sehun says softly but Baekhyun heard him. He places his fork and spoon down and pushes his plate and Baekhyun hesitates, as if contemplating if he should stay or leave. He eventually just leans in to kiss Sehun’s cheek, bidding him goodbye before leaving. The door closes with a bang and then Sehun could hear Baekhyun’s car drive away. Another night alone.

Baekhyun doesn’t come home again.

For the third day in a row, Sehun wakes up in a half empty bed. He spends five minutes just lying there, first hoping Baekhyun is safe before he tries to release himself of the weight in his chest. His mind soon wanders to the thought of his flower shop. He’s been a florist for as long as he could remember, being the son of the woman who spent half her life decorating and caring for the flower kingdom. He had wanted to tell Baekhyun about expanding his shop but he hasn’t found the right time to. He doesn’t know why he’s waiting; perhaps because Baekhyun’s opinions have always mattered most.

The ringing of his phone brings him out of his reverie and he reaches out to take it from the bedside table. Sehun couldn’t help the smile that forms on his lips when he sees that it’s Baekhyun calling, pressing the answer button and placing the phone to his ear. “Hello, babe.”

“Hey, Sehun, honey,” Baekhyun says and Sehun realizes he’s already missed his voice. Baekhyun sounds almost afraid, but mostly apologetic, voice soft. “I’m sorry I didn’t come home again. There’s just so many things to do. The suspect got away again. He’s really, really good.”

Sehun sighs, plays with fabric of his blanket. He should say his piece, but Sehun thinks he doesn’t need to add on Baekhyun’s stress. “It’s okay, Baekhyun. I understand.”

“Listen,” The older cuts before Sehun could say more. “How about I make it up to you? Be home by seven, I’ll cook. Hm?”

It’s too good to be true and Sehun knows he shouldn’t get his hopes high but he couldn’t help the leap his heart took in his chest, can’t help but look forward to a couple hours of time with Baekhyun. So he nods even though Baekhyun couldn’t see. “Sounds like a plan. I’ll be there.”

“Great,” Baekhyun says excitedly. “I love you, hon. I’ll see you later, okay?”

Sehun hums, closes his eyes and wishes it would go right. “I’ll see you later. I love you too, pup.”

Sehun knows by the time he reaches his driveway and notices the dark windows at six-thirty in the evening that Baekhyun couldn’t make it again. He sighs as he makes his way into the house, figures he should cook in case Baekhyun comes home just slightly late to cook for them. He lets the weight in his chest go, certain to spend some time just catching up with Baekhyun and his negative feelings would only ruin what could be a beautiful night. So he cooks, prepares them on the table and waits.

Seven-thirty soon became eight and then eight to eight-thirty. Sehun keeps glancing back at the clock on the wall, noting the time quickly changing to nine, then nine-thirty. He sits in silence at their dining table, releases a sigh as he looks over the food that’s gone cold. Another night of possible time together gone to waste. Sehun could feel a crack in his heart as he wonders if this would go on for a long time. He knows he needs to understand that Baekhyun’s career needs him to be constantly moving, never staying in one place to enjoy time with family. But how long can Sehun last, always missing Baekhyun?

He clicks his tongue and sighs again, startling a bit when his phone rings and Baekhyun’s number appears on the screen. Sehun takes a deep breath before releasing it, answering the call and placing the phone to his ear, lets Baekhyun be the one to speak first. His chest hurts; he fears he might cry.

“Tell me you didn’t cook,” Baekhyun says, trying to keep his tone light but Sehun could hear the apologetic tone in his voice.

Sehun wants to laugh but he doesn’t, shaking his head instead. “Of course not. I knew you’d be late.”

From the other end of the line, Sehun could hear Baekhyun releasing a breath. His heart cracks to know Baekhyun had thought everything is okay. His lips tremble a little but Sehun manages to keep his voice steady. The older boy sighs again, “I’m sorry, Sehun. I’ll… bring home some Chinese take-outs, okay?”

“Yeah, sure.” Sehun answers immediately, fearing if he keeps the conversation long he might actually sob.

“Okay, then. I’ll see you soon?” Baekhyun hesitates.

Sehun closes his eyes, “Yeah, see you soon.”

“I love you, Sehun.”

“You, too.”

He hangs up before saying goodbye, dropping his head on the table and spending a few minutes trying to calm his uneven breathing. He doesn’t know he’s crying until he sniffles, sobs a little as he wipes at the tears that wet his cheeks. It’s about fifteen minutes later that he calms down and got off his seat, taking the plates of the dishes he’d cooked and emptying its content into the trash bin. He leaves the plates in the sink, not bothered to wash them as he hides in the bathroom, where he spends long minutes looking at his own reflection in the mirror. Sehun knows he shouldn’t cry, but he couldn’t help it.

He thinks about their future and how it’s impossible and unfair to make Baekhyun quit the job he loves for Sehun’s selfish reasons. It is just that this isn’t the first, the second or third time. Sehun doesn’t know if he wants to come home to an empty house every single day for the rest of his life, sleep while holding someone he loves dearly without communication and only to wake up to see Baekhyun to work. He had understood it in the beginning, when Baekhyun first got the job. Baekhyun spent a lot more time with Sehun then but he’s grown packed with work ever since he was promotes to lead his team.

Sehun just misses Baekhyun and there is no ill thought of ever breaking up with his fiancé. He knows they can work it out but he just couldn’t help but feel disappointed and upset that Baekhyun didn’t have any time for him. Certain that he is calmed from his emotions, Sehun washes his face before he puts on a new pair of jeans and a jacket before leaving the house, figures he needs time away from how empty his home is, even though he doesn’t live alone. He turns his phone off, doesn’t matter at the moment if Baekhyun comes home with the food he promised only to find Sehun not at home.

His selfish side wants Baekhyun to know how it feels to come home to an empty house.

Sehun came home at nearly three in the morning and to his surprise, the lights are still on in the living room and he finds Baekhyun half-sprawled on the couch. He pauses at the door and when Baekhyun scrambles up to stand, Sehun looks away and closes the door behind him. He’s about to walk off to head to their bathroom when Baekhyun calls for him and he stops without turning around to face the older. He couldn’t, not without the urge to cry again. Oh, how unmanly would that make him?

“Sehun,” Baekhyun calls again, voice soft and Sehun knows Baekhyun is terrible with words and he wants to turn around and take Baekhyun in his arms, kiss him maybe. But it would only make Baekhyun think it’s okay, and Sehun couldn’t go through the same thing again. So he waits and stays silent until Baekhyun speaks again. “I’m sorry, Sehun. I know – I know that you’re upset about me never being home and that… you want to spend time with me. I do, too, Sehunnie. I want to spend time with you. But I hope you understand that I’m up for a really important case. I promise I – ”

The taller shakes his head as he turns, suddenly a little angry that Baekhyun didn’t know that he did understand, enough to actually not snap until tonight. “Don’t make promises if you can’t keep them, Baek. I don’t want to believe in your promises anymore.”

Baekhyun huffs, looking small in Sehun’s oversized sweater and his own sweatpants. His hair is a mess on top of his head and looking at him now with a scowl on his face, Sehun doesn’t see the tough FBI agent always wearing his leather jacket, the stupid gun somehow always sticking by him like glue. Sehun sees instead the boy he fell in love with back at college, roommates who clicked on right away. Sehun sees the Baekhyun he used to bring around town to places they’ve been and never been to, the Baekhyun whose hand he held in his own on the dates they went on. He misses that Baekhyun, the one who willingly ditches everything else to spend time with Sehun, even after Sehun begs him not to.

He wants to cry again because it would only be unfair to make Baekhyun ditch anything for him. Baekhyun has a job now, an important one that risks his life and Sehun had once vowed that it wouldn’t matter as long as Baekhyun still loves him the same. He clears his throat and drops his gaze to the floor.

“What else do you want me to say, Sehun?” Baekhyun asks, shoulders slumping. “You know I’m just – really bad with words. I don’t know what to say to you to make you forgive me. I’m sorry for walking out when we were having dinner the other day, I’m sorry for not coming home until it was already morning. I’m sorry I promised to have dinner with you only to ditch you later for work. I’m sorry for never keeping the promises I’ve made to you. I just don’t know how to do it. I don’t know.”

Sehun looks up to meet Baekhyun’s gaze, afraid to know what he means by his last sentence. Sehun takes a deep breath, voice trembling just a little. “What do you mean you don’t know?”

Realization dawns upon Baekhyun’s features when he notices what Sehun must have thought. He frantically shakes his head, reaching a hand out and taking a step forward before he stops himself. “I didn’t mean it that way, Sehun. I meant, I just don’t know how to make it okay. If I could, I would quit now so I can spend time with you. But I can’t, Sehun. Not yet. I can’t quit this time.”

He drops his gaze back onto the floor, holding back the sob building up his throat and feeling guilty for putting Baekhyun in such position. He shakes his head and wipes at the tears that fell down his cheeks. He steadies his breathing first before he speaks, looking up once again. He knows he needs to make a little sacrifice in this situation and he guesses he could spend a couple of nights a week eating alone. Sehun breathes out again, asking his next question carefully. “Baekhyun, do you… love me?”

Baekhyun frowns, his answer immediate. “Of course I do.”

“As much as you did before?”

There is a look of confusion in Baekhyun’s features, trying to figure out what Sehun’s getting at. “I never stopped. I love you more than I did before. I love you more each day, Sehun.”

He figures it’s the answer he wanted to hear. Everything is okay as long as Baekhyun still loves him the same. Sehun takes the few steps forward before he pulls Baekhyun by the hand and wraps his arms around the older boy, embracing him tightly. He kisses Baekhyun’s forehead as Baekhyun presses his face into Sehun’s chest, his arms circling around Sehun’s waist. “I love you too, hyung. I’m sorry I made you feel guilty for doing what you must. I just… got a little sad that you kept on missing our dinner. All I wanted was to spend time with you. I’ve missed you so much.”

Baekhyun nods as he presses his face further into Sehun’s chest. “I’ve missed you too, baby. I’m sorry, too. I know I should make time for you when I’m freer.”

“It’s okay,” Sehun sighs, tightening his arms around the older. “It’s okay as long as you love me. We’ll… find the time to make up for the times we lost, okay? I’m sure we will.”

He takes Baekhyun to bed and holds him in his arms as they lay on the bed, both awake and just basking in each other’s warmth. Sehun repeatedly kisses Baekhyun’s forehead whenever he could reach it and he closes his eyes at the kisses Baekhyun placed on his skin when he buries his face into the crook of Sehun’s neck. They fell asleep just as the sun rises and Sehun smiles when he wakes up to see Baekhyun still in his arms, the clock reading twelve noon. Baekhyun only shifts when he tries to wake the older, muttering something about turning in late for work today. Sehun doesn’t ask him to go.

They end up spending the rest of the afternoon cooking together when they’re not lounging on the couch watching TV. Baekhyun ignores the calls he gets and Sehun doesn’t ask why. He is selfish after all, for being glad Baekhyun chooses to spend this day with him. Tomorrow, he’d be back to work and Sehun would have to remind himself that it’s okay. For now, he forgets about tomorrow, and spends every second of the day holding Baekhyun, kissing Baekhyun, loving Baekhyun. Baekhyun’s smile still matters the most, still lights up his own universe. Baekhyun still matters the most.

A/N: Hello! I felt like I haven't written sebaek in ages (it was only a month but I used to write three a week?)! So here's a less than decent update of what I started today. It's probably rushed and not as satisfying as I wanted it to be but oh wells. I miss sebaek. I really do. ;;; Enjoy, I hope?

P.S: Also, I have two upcoming fics coming. One a zombieapocalypse!au and another reincarnation!au. Please anticipate!