It feels like someone has died. She's not sure if it's him, or her. But someone has, something has, something she never thought she'd really lose. Hope dies last… hope died today. She hadn't even realized those feelings still lived inside of her, she'd gotten so good at ignoring them. Their resurrection was painful, gut wrenching, slit your wrists intense. Her cheeks are wet, but she doesn't know when she started crying. Probably the minute Min unnie informed her he was getting married.

Married? God, that wasn't supposed to happen. She was supposed to have years yet to get used to losing him. It seemed like only just yesterday at the Korean Wave concert that she'd seen that other girl make him smile. Her stomach had churned then, and she'd felt that dull ache in her chest that urged her to do something. She'd done nothing though. She'd stood there, and pretended to be happy for them. She'd lied through her teeth and said they made a cute couple. She still couldn't believe he hadn't seen through her, but then maybe he hadn't wanted to. He'd been happy. He was no longer the boy looking into her world, he was the boy with a girl of his own. A girl who loved him… a girl who said it out loud. Suzy had never been able to give him that, not really, not ever.

She should have shouted it from the roof tops. She see's that now. She wishes she had. She wishes she would have let go of her inhibitions, and given him her scariest truth, she should have not cared about her fans or his. But she'd never trusted him, or herself enough to do that. Instead she'd chosen lies, and comfortable lives, and occasional moments of clarity that they always stopped before it went too far. She'd picked the safe boy with a less intense fan base, instead of the one with saesangs. Always careful of scandals.

She missed the wind in her hair, and the feel of his solid arms around her waist. She'd always felt safe in his arms, like he'd catch her if she fell – like he'd ever actually let her fall. He didn't place her on unfair pedestal's. He saw her, the kindness, the confusion, the monsters in her closet. He'd never looked at her with recrimination, never made her feel dirty or wrong. He'd only given her acceptance, and in return she'd shut the door in his face.

She knows it's unfair, but she always thought he'd still be standing there when she was ready. She expected him to wait, even though he never promised her he would. She never worried about his dalliances with other girls- fellow idols. They were fleeting, and his attentions always returned to her. They shared a secret that no one ever guessed – they were meant to be. At least she'd thought they were.

As a classmate he always starred in her fantasies of a grown up life (even while active as an idol or in his case back then, a trainee). He was her swashbuckling pirate, or her good and noble king. He was her Prince Charming. He captivated her with his stunning good looks, and the warm smile he only gave to her. Other's worshipped who he was on the outside, the perfect picture, the perfect boy to marry and move through life with. She dreamed of moments though.

Their first kiss… not cinematic. Awkward, groping, clumsy… perfect. She still remembers the taste of peppermint, and the way they laughed when they pulled away. They'd done it again soon after, and it had been more skilled, and smooth. The first would always be the best, learning each other in ways they'd only dreamed of. He held her hand in the second year of high school, they were walking through the park, eating bungeoppang or tteokbokki and teasing Sehun about his new snap back, and then right there in the middle of Han River Park he'd reached for her hand, and laced their fingers together. It had felt new, and uncharted, and exhilarating even though Sehun kept giving them smirky looks. There were so many firsts she had tattooed in her memory. First concert together. First promotions together... their first collaboration with SM town and JYP Nation. Too many, too few, she didn't know anymore.

Remembering was a double edged sword. She remembered the first time she broke his heart just as well, and it still made her feel sick inside when she pictured the dark brown of his eyes. He got too close, said too much, pushed too hard, and she'd shoved him away from her like he was nothing. His confusion had cut her, but it was the knowing disappointment that followed that absolutely gutted her. She thinks that was the first time he realized she was a coward. The funny thing is she knows it didn't make him love her less. He kept coming back, taking the pain she doled out, and waiting for her to exhaust her defenses. He'd won in the end, she'd come to him, just like he'd always known she would. He had the faith, she'd never been blessed with.

Faith had brought him through the years with her. It helped him survive her leaving, and those tumultuous months when she returned and acted like he meant nothing to her. He accepted her wordless apology and shining smile like no time had passed. She would always appreciate that.

Time had passed since then. Their friendship had mended. EXO and miss A had always been the excuse though, not the reason. They both knew that, and eventually even accepted it. She would run, he wouldn't fight. Neither was willing to risk it all.

She chose to work time and again, and he returned to the various idol activities that caught his interest when she wasn't looking his way. No one ever noticed the stray glances they passed over one another when they met up. She loved Minho. He loved Irene. They could even double date lowkey, and joke about the past (only about the being classmates/idol friendship part). Lee Minho always got uneasy though, and Irene never looked too thrilled either. Suzy wasn't oblivious, but sometimes she just didn't care enough to stop herself. She wanted Irene to know that she would never be first. Suzy was first. She had him. She'd always had him.

Irene had him now. She had him in her home, in her life, and eventually she'd even have his last name. That hit Suzy the hardest. Kim Suji – KSJ would never come to pass. She'd never be Mrs. Suji Kim – she guessed she'd have to throw out all those high school notebooks she's scribbled on with those initials. They'd been long hidden anyway for fear that Minho or Irene would find them. Some secrets you had to guard with your life, or your heart would surely get broken.

Suzy's heart had been battered and bruised a time or two. In fact she'd been knocked around real good before by Myungsoo but this hit was the worst, and most fatal. He was gone. He was buying invitations, and tasting wedding cake, and buying rings, and doing wedding photo shoots, and she only got a conference call from a hysterical Yoona unnie, Hyoyeon unnie and Min unnie telling her all about it. The three disliked Irene enough to protest this most unholy union, and even though Two of them were in the same agency, they really did not care for Irene... at all. Suzy wished she had the balls to speak up. She wished she could go over there, and smack some sense into him. Wait for me, she wants to scream. A little longer… please.

He won't.

They're getting married on the beach. Irene's idea no doubt and Suzy wants to puke when Baekhyun oppa tells her. Sehun is best man and therefore forced to attend, but he swears he'd rather listen to one of Lee Sooman's famous rants than go. Suzy isn't sure she believes him. Sehun talks a good game, but he doesn't detest Irene, and Jongin's happiness means a lot to him. Suzy wishes Irene didn't make Kai happy. She wants to be the one, the only one.

She gets her invitation a few weeks later. They're getting married soon, no need to wait. She rips it up and throws it in the garbage, but then she tapes it back together before Minho comes by later. He glances at it with a questioning look, but never actually asks. She's glad, because she doesn't have an excuse ready, and she thinks the truth – that a blind rage had taken her over – would not go over well. She kisses Minho extra hard that night, but when she looks into his eyes she sees chocolate brown instead of a murky brown. She makes him leave early unable to fake it a minute longer. She loves Minho, just not enough to survive this night with him. She needs space. She needs air. She needs Jongin to call that wedding off, and hold on just a bit longer.

Please.

Irene calls her one day and invites her to an impromptu bridal shower her crazy younger sister is throwing for her. Suzy is forced to accept because it became public who got the invitations and a lot of Knetz will be suspicious if she doesn't. She drags Min unnie and Jia unnie along for support, and realizes her mistake when both Jia and Min unnies makes so many snide comments that Irene walks off in a huff. Min stands up, dusts off her pants, and says she's done there while Jia gives Irene the stink eye before trudging towards the exit where they hailed a taxi and sped out of there. Suzy apologizes to Irene, and makes excuses for her unnies. Irene complains that Min is just a and Jia is just an evil ... Suzy think she's one to talk, but doesn't say that and just smiles tightly instead. This whole game has become harder and harder. She hails the next taxi, and runs as far and fast as she can.

He calls her the night before his wedding. He's drunk, and Baekhyun has just dropped him at home from his bachelor party. She aches for him. The pain is a living breathing thing inside of her now, and when he asks her to come hang out with him she says yes without thinking. The truth is, there was no other answer. She needed to see him too. Regardless of a scandal in the making, she must see him!

She comes to him at two am in the morning in her disguise, and he opens the door with a sloppy smile, and a hug that squeezes the air from her lungs. She doesn't pull away though, she savors… memorizes, holds on as tight as she can. This could be the last time they ever have this. He releases her after a minute, and takes her hand into his to pull her into his apartment. He has everything in boxes because he and Irene were given a house by Lee Sooman as a wedding present and they are going to move into together when they get back from their honeymoon. They're going to Jeju. Fei says it's tacky. Suzy agrees, but that is the least of her issues with this high profile celebrity wedding.

Their fingers slide together and she prays he won't let go. Just hold on, she chants inside her head. He releases her when they sit down, and she has to hide her disappointment. He's drunk, but he's not stupid. Alcohol especially soju had always been the bringer of truth for them, and she was terrified of what he would say to her tonight. Would he tell her he'd never loved her? That she'd been a big mistake. The biggest oops of his life. Would he wax poetic about his love for Irene? Would she need to purge in his bathroom, before going on the bender to end all benders...scandal be dammned? These were all distinct possibilities.

He tells her he's missed her. I never see you, you're always so busy with your schedule, he murmurs and smiles at her. She smiles back because for once she just can't help herself. She wants to tell him she misses him too, every day, every moment of every day since her beloved unnies called her. She'd ignored those feelings for so long that she forgot what they felt like. They were trapped inside her, battering her insides until she could hardly stand to get up in the morning. Going through days without calling him was torture, and sitting across from him now without saying what she really wanted to say might be the death of her. She wasn't ready to jump off a bridge for him yet, though. Maybe soon, maybe if he just gave her one little sign. Maybe then she could do it.

Give me a sign, she pleads, and is surprised when he leans in and kisses her cheek. She's stunned by his touch, by the familiar feel on his lips on her skin, and the electric current that never fails to sizzle in her blood when they're close like this. She stares at him, confused, and scared because she thinks this is her sign. She has to say it now or let him go forever. She's not sure which option scares her more. They might be equal. She might be screwed.

Who is she kidding, she was always screwed. She has everything and nothing at the same time, and he'd been the first boy to see behind her innocent smile, and find the insecurities underneath. He never just told her she was beautiful. He told her she was sweet, kind, good. He made her believe she wasn't just a pretty face. The word selfish, self-centered never graced his lips. He never believed the hype. He only believed her. She owes him for that. She owes him for everything.

She owes him for saving her from her miss A unnies when things inevitably went bad between them... for helping miss A getting back on track with a much better communications between them. Jongin always had a sleeping bag ready and waiting. No questions, no pity, just acceptance. Just love. She wishes she had seen it back then, before Irene, before Minho, before she became the Nation's First Love, before EXO became a Global household name and changed it all. She would have grabbed him, chained him to her side, and never let him go. She would have told Taemin oppa that Jongin was her fairy prince, and Taemin would have found his way to Krystal sooner rather than later. There never would have been a MinHo or a Irene. There would have been a Jongin and Suji. Kai and Suzy... Kaizy...Jongji.

Love had found them anyway, haunted them all along.

She says his name softly, so softly he could have easily missed it. He doesn't though. He sits back from her, and just watches her. He's waiting. Expectant, hopeful… just as scared as she is. Is this their moment? The last chance they'll ever get. If she doesn't say it now, he'll marry Irene, they might even have kids. Serena doesn't think she could bare seeing Irene have his children. Those children belonged to Suzy, just like this wedding did.

Claim it, her inner demon urged her. Do it, the angel agreed. Everything inside her was screaming for this to come to pass. The words wouldn't form though, and his eyes were glazing over. Was this the moment he would give up on her? Would she serve him his final disillusionment? SAY IT. The roar was becoming louder and louder in her head, and she closed her eyes to gather her wits.

Bae Suji. He says her name, and everything finally comes apart. She sees it all clearly now. She can't tell him. She can't feed him promises she's not even sure she can keep. She's a workaholic. It's what she is. Things get tough, like they inevitably will again if she tells Jongin the truth, and she'll throw herself into her work in order to forget her pain. She can make the mess, but she's never been able to stick around for clean up. He is the one left with that, and she can finally see how unfair that is.

Why don't you hate me? She asks him without meaning to. He stares at her, no words are needed but he says them anyway. I can't. She can't hate him either, she never could. She couldn't love him either though, or at least she never wanted to. She wanted the fairytale romance with Minho. Actor, Idol. It was classic. It was more accepted back then since it was two of Hallyu stars. It was easier than facing the deepest demons that rested inside of her. She resented him for so long for never letting them die. Just by being, he kept them alive.

Bae Suji. He says her name again. She blinks, once, twice… he's drifting away from her. Piece by piece he's ripping his heart out of her hands, and reclaiming his life. He's going to say I do to the wrong girl and she's too ing scared to stop him. I love you, I love you, I love you. She wants to scream it from the heavens right now. She wants to call everyone she knows and confess all her sins and misdeeds. She wants to be clean. She wants to be free. She wants to marry him in a church with family and friends - both famous and not so famous friends... she evens would be willing to invite Dispatch! She wants to have his children. She wants a life with him.

She chokes. A sob forms in , and she turns away from him.

I… she tries so hard. She wants to force it out with the raw will of her feelings for him, but nothing happens. He's not looking at her now. He's staring out the window watching the rain trace new patterns against the glass. Look at me, she wants to beg him, but she remains silent. This is her last chance, and she's blowing it. Do something you idiot. Be brave. Tell him. Forget the world, the outside hindrances, just tell him.

Tell him.

He murmurs something about bad weather and bad omens. She says nothing. He meets her gaze again, and reaches out to brush his hand against her cheek. She's doesn't know when she started crying. He seems surprised. She's not. She's dying right in front of him, and he doesn't even know it. Save me, just one last time, save me. She doesn't say it out loud, but she thinks he can hear her anyway.

Save me, I'm drowning again.

I can't. His words are damning. They're quiet and sad, and so final her last shred of composure splinters apart. More tears fall. The rain beats harder around them. He leans in resting his forehead against hers. His thumb traces the line of her tear tracks, and his lips slowly slide against hers. He's telling her goodbye, and she wants to hit him. Wake up, wake up, wake up… her plea is falling on deaf ears. His kiss lingers for a second, before he pulls back, her salty tears now mingling against his own skin.

This wasn't the way it was supposed to end. She doesn't realize she's said this out loud until he responds. I know. He does know. He knows her inside and out. He knows how scared she is at her core, and loves her anyway. He's never turned his back on her, but she knows when he shuts that door tonight she will have lost him, and the only chance she had left. She's asked too much of him, expected even more… he was her prince, her teenage fantasy, her dream of a future.

Don't leave me.

It lands between them, hard, suffocating. He pulls away from her. She waits for the blast. She waits for angry words, and the tear stained confession that is crying out inside of her just waiting for its moment of release.

It's too late.

That's all. Nothing more, nothing less. It's all she needs to kill her. Hope dies last, and it died in that room. She gets up, and collects her things. Her movements are numb and clumsy and he comes around her to help. She snatches her purse from him, and hides her face so he can't see that she's crying again. She's nearly positive she's never going to stop, but he doesn't need to know that. She can leave with at least a little bit of dignity, and the knowledge that letting him go is the right thing. If Irene makes him happy, then she will accept that. She'll find a way. She has to in order to survive.

He doesn't say he's sorry, but when she glances back up at him one last time she sees it in his eyes. Don't be. She whispers, as she grabs for the door, and stumbles out into the hall. She pushes the button to the elevator over and over, until it feels like she can't breathe anymore.

She's sinking down to the floor when the door opens and Sehun and Baekhyun comes out. Sehun takes one look at her, grabs her arm and pulls her in. He doesn't explain why they're there, or what they're doing. She doesn't care. They could kill her right now, and she'd thank them. This feels like it's never going to lessen or dull again. This feels too final. He's gone. GONE.

He's gone. It's a tortured whisper. Sehun doesn't respond. He just grips her arm a little tighter so she won't fall to the ground. Baekhyun goes ahead as Sehun pulls her past the doorman who gives them a quick once over before seeing and hearing nothing at all. A top idol special. Sehun shoves her in the car and orders the driver to take them to Min's. Suzy begins to protest, but Baekhyun oppa silences her with a look. She's grateful when Min unnie opens the door, takes one look at her, and pulls her into her arms. She hears Min thank them both before she comes back.

I lost him. She doesn't say who he is. Minho? Suzy shakes her head and Min looks stunned for a moment before she nods, and helps Suzy into the bedroom. Sleep some… it'll be better tomorrow. Suzy doesn't believe her. Tomorrow will be worse. Tomorrow is the wedding, and she has to attend or she'll lose her fans too. She can't lose Jongin and her beloved fans within the same week. She won't survive.

The wedding comes. She sits in the fold up chairs with Minho beside her with a frozen smile on her face. The salon has fixed her make up so you can hardly tell she cried all night. Minho compliments her dress, she barely hears him. She's floating through life, high off all the soju both Baekhyun and Sehun filled her belly with. They never asked her what happened the night before, she never offered. They both just seemed to know. That was Bekhyun oppa and Sehun for you. The right guys at all the worst times.

Irene walks down the make shift altar, barefoot for effect. A beach wedding… Suzy hopes it rains. Yonna unnie leans over, a permanent scowl on her face. I hope it rains, she whispers and Suji laughs out loud. Minho gives her a sharp look, and even Jongin glances at her in concern from the altar beside the fruity reverend Irene has hired. She shrugs at them both and leans back in her chair.

This quite possibly could be hell.

Irene goes through her vows. She'll love him. Cherish him. Worship him. Suzy blurs it all together, and listens to Hyoyeon and Min unnies ongoing commentary instead of what they're actually saying. She perks up when she hears Irene promise Jongin to make him as happy as he's made her. Fat chance, Suzy thinks cruelly, but then she wants to throw up. What is she becoming? Bitter doesn't suit her.

Jongin is up next. He's fidgeting, and Sehun is giving him odd looks that both Baekhyun and Suzy catch. Yoona suggests they kidnap Kai right as the Reverend asks him for his vows, and Seung Gi shakes his head. She has to watch this. She has to see him say I do.

I…

Everyone waits in anticipation. Irene smiles the smile of a woman who knows she has everything she's ever dreamed of. She got the guy. She got the one. It just turned out he was Suzy's one as well.

Don't.

The crowd is in an uproar, but her unnies and Suzy remain speechless. Minho jumps up to usher a shocked Irene away. He says something nasty to Jongin, that Sehun takes offense at. Thankfully the Reverend intercedes before punches can be thrown. The sky cracks with lighting, and a second later the rain begins pouring. Suzy doesn't move, not even when Hyoyeon unnie tries to drag her to shelter. She wants to be cleansed. She needs this to be real.

He comes and sits beside her in the middle of the rain storm. All the guests have deserted by now, except for his EXO members, their SNSD friends, her miss A unnies and Suzy who have simply moved to the resort hotel for shelter, and whatever else it is those crazy idol groups do. Suzy has so many questions, but none of them seem to matter. He didn't get married. Doesn't that just say it all. Hope is eternal. She forgot that, she never will again.

I love you.

It's so simple, so easy. How did they mess this up for so long. She turns to him, her makeup ruined, her dress soaked through. She wants to smile, so she does. She wants to tell him she loves him, so she does.

I love you, too.

Simple. Easy. Free.

I know.

Forever swirls between them. It's unsaid but understood like so much. She will have to let Minho and her fears go. She can do it now. She's stronger, more sure. She lost him, but he came back. She's tired of running. She never ends up anywhere but alone. She has him now, and that beats alone any day.

He takes her hand, and she kicks off her shoes as they run through the rain towards the hotel. DO throws open the door just as they get there, and they clambered in. Suho and Fei orders some champagne. Min, Hyoyeon, Jia, Lay and Xiumin are dancing to celebrate a new beginning. Chen, Tiffany, Sooyoung, Baekhyun and Chanyeol start ordering staff members to get a smaller hall ready for a private celebration. Taeyon and Yoona tells Kai they're so thrilled he finally came to his senses. Yoona nods at Suzy, and Suzy nods back. It's alright now. The true beginning is in sight.

Suzy can see it all before her now. The wedding. In a church, family and friends, an original gown that is made just for her with him in mind. Jongin in a tux. Shoes required. Everything done the right way. The fantasy, and the reality. The private and celebrity life. It's all going to be hers' now. His children will be hers. They'll be brownish black haired, and honey chocolate eyed. They'll run around free and wild, and she and Jongin will love them. Unconditionally. They will be the most gorgeous children who will be famous in their own right someday. She's going to be a good mother, and he's going to be a good father. They'll help each other. They'll always remember this day. The day they almost lost each other, but finally found each other instead.

Their happily ever now.