, I slept for too long. Judging by the light filtering through the curtains and through his eyelashes, it was late in the afternoon. His eyelids were heavy, unable to stay open all of the way, and his body felt weak and sore and…Pins and needles, he had often heard of pain being described in that way. He had thought he felt something like that before, but now it felt like he had needles stuck into his arm. His foggy gaze drifted down towards his left arm. ! There actually was something in his arm. It was a…a…, didn’t matter what it was called. But he knew what it meant.

This is the place where sick people go.

He jolted upright frantically looking around his little curtained portion of the shared room. “Eng!” he could only let out a weak grunt instead of calling for help. His throat was too tight, too dry. There was too much tension in his vocal chords. He coughed, trying to make the situation better, but all it did was make his throat feel scratchy. “H-hello?” he finally got out in between coughing.

The curtain flew open. “Oh my holy f***ing ! You’re awake!” It was a man, a small shouting man who was far too loud for being in the place where sick people go. The smile on his face threatened to tear his chapped lips apart. The man looked horrible. He looked like he could’ve been a patient too, except for the fact that he was wearing a button-down and slacks. And the light in his eyes were gleefully sparkling. “Nurse!” His face fell as he called out. He put up a finger, begging for the other’s patience, “I’ll be right back.” He then closed the curtain again and his footsteps left the room.

“Nurse! Nurse! Sunggyu is awake! Patient Kim Sunggyu is awake!”

Sunggyu, the man laying in bed thought with a quirk of his head. Who’s that?

The small man said it first, “F**k! You have amnesia.”

“No, I don’t,” the patient argued. The notion was ridiculous. Amnesia was fictional, something developed by writers for those plays that showed in the light-up box-thing. He swore that his mind was just too tired to remember anything, even simple words, or the name of the small man who wouldn’t leave his side. He couldn’t have amnesia. That was preposterous.

“You have amnesia,” the doctor announced after a series of tests. The small man smiled smugly. The patient wanted to slap that smile right off of his face, but he could barely lift his arms over his head. “Your memories might come back,” the doctor continued. “Yes, your injury was severe, but I’ve seen it come back in worse cases. We’ll just have to sit tight until it does.”

The patient joked about not planning on going anywhere. The doctor and the man laughed at the joke with tenuous smiles on their faces. Apparently, it wasn’t a joking matter, but to the patient, it was hilarious. Whose luck could be so bad? Only Kim Sunggyu’s, who was apparently him…and he had forgotten that. Isn’t that funny? In like some dark, twisted way.

It wasn’t to everybody. As soon as the doctor left, the polite smile fled the small man’s face. “You don’t remember me,” he stated. It wasn’t a question.

“Nope, not at all,” the patient replied. His voice was light and cheeky. He was trying his best to hold in the laughter because he knew it upset the other.

The small man gripped the patient’s hand that was lying on the bed. He gripped it tightly. But it didn’t hurt. It felt warm, like someone tightening a blanket around you, comforting. The warmness began to spread throughout the patient’s body. “My name is Nam Woohyun,” the small man began, catching the patient’s gaze. “And I’m your best friend.”

Kim Sunggyu was 27 years old and was a magistrate at the local courthouse. He had been in a car accident. He was going too fast. The storm was raining down too hard. Sunggyu had hydroplaned, lost control, and ran into a tree. He had been in a coma for a few days.

 Sunggyu was also an orphan. His father had died when he was in high school, and his mother had passed away two springs ago.

But Kim Sunggyu wasn’t alone in the world. He had friends that became his family. He had an older sister that visited as often as she could. And he had a best friend.

This was all told to the patient by the small man, um, er…Woohyun. But the patient couldn’t help but to feel like Woohyun was just telling him a story. He had no idea what a magistrate was. He could drive? The thought of him driving chilled him to the bone. And his parents, the patient didn’t feel a thing when he was told that he was an orphan…except pity for Kim Sunggyu, for someone else. The patient couldn’t recall his parents. He didn’t have memories of them. He had nothing to mourn over.

And as for his so-called “best friend,” the patient had a feeling that that wasn’t the entire story. Woohyun was holding something back. From what the patient gathered, Woohyun had stayed by his side until he woke up. Woohyun acted as his legal guardian in lieu of his sister and had been the one talking with the doctors. He was also the one to pay the medical bills.

Woohyun didn’t seem like just a best friend. He seemed like something more, and felt like it too.

The patient felt happy with the other around. Even though his life now, he knew things would be okay because he had Woohyun. And they could get through this together.

Sunggyu was now temporarily disabled. His ankle had been shattered (from his foot pressing on the brake). When he was discharged, Woohyun offered to stay with him until he could get back on his feet (very lame and slightly insensitive joke but it got a chuckle from Sunggyu). But that offer also surprised Sunggyu. He had assumed that the two of them were already living together. Shouldn’t they be?

But Kim Sunggyu lived in a one room apartment. It was also small. He kept bumping into Woohyun at every corner. It wasn’t annoying though. It was cozy.

Also being a temporary cripple and having a gaping hole in his memory wasn’t all that terrible if it meant that he could lounge around the apartment with Woohyun. His friend tried his best to fill the gaps in Sunggyu’s memory, telling him about mutual friends and stories from their past. But like before, it felt like Woohyun was just telling him stories about someone else. He liked hearing them though. If he had met Sunggyu, he was positive that they would get along and become fast friends. But Sunggyu was actually him. He was Sunggyu. You couldn’t be friends with yourself. And that made his brain hurt.

Also Sunggyu claimed that he “forgot” how to cook, so they ordered out or Woohyun cooked for him. Sunggyu preferred the latter, even though Woohyun wasn’t a great cook, but it was just the fact that Woohyun was doing it for him, like a servant. Like a cute little butler who responded to his every beck and call.

But that had only lasted throughout the weekend. Woohyun had to go into work on Monday, citing that he already missed too much already. Sunggyu still had the week off. So he’d be alone in his one room apartment, which all of the sudden felt too big with Woohyun’s absence. And Sunggyu was alone for the first time since he woke up. It was time to face reality. It was time for him to get to know Sunggyu.

Sunggyu walked around the apartment. Picking up random objects, inspecting them, wondering what they used to mean to him. And the people in the picture frames, Woohyun had given them all names, and Sunggyu had forgotten them almost as soon as he heard them. But apparently he had liked them. There was a wide grin on his face both in the picture and in reality. Those faces were familiar. My friends, he thought as his fingertip caressed the glass. When will he see them again?

Sooner than he expected. He heard buttons being pressed into the keypad on his door. Someone was coming in. No, two people.

Sunggyu quickly glanced down at the photo in his hands. They were in it. My friends. He took a step back out of caution as the two approached him. The two men looked familiar to Sunggyu, but his heart began racing and he felt an instinct to run and hide. Especially when one of them lunged at him, wrapping him up into a hug. “You’re alive,” stranger one cried.

“Hyung!”

“Umph!” the other stranger slammed into Sunggyu’s side, gripping him tightly in a hug, expelling all of the air from his lungs.

“I can’t believe that you woke up after I left. You’re too cruel,” stranger one whined, finally letting go of Sunggyu. The second stranger was still latched on, silently.

“Uh, sorry,” Sunggyu mumbled, patting stranger two on the back, hoping that he’d let go soon. Stranger two eventually did, but stayed close to Sunggyu’s side, just smiling. The corners of Sunggyu’s mouth quirked up in an uneasy smile. His eyes darted back and forth between the strangers. Silence fell heavy upon them, as suffocating as the hugs he’d just gotten.

Stranger two the lost his warm smile. His eyes widened. “You don’t remember us?”

“No,” Sunggyu admitted. Stranger two shuffled backwards until his back hit the wall, trying to give Sunggyu space or trying to run away from an embarrassing situation himself. His gaze dropped to his feet.

“Didn’t Woohyun tell you that we were coming?” Stranger one asked.

Sunggyu shook his head. “He woke up late and left in a rush.”

Stranger one nodded and chewed on his lips. Then he let out a sigh. “Well then, I’m Jang Dongwoo and that’s Kim Myungsoo. And we’re your friends,” Dongwoo introduced themselves with a bright smile and gentle tone. “We’re here to take care of you.”

It was different with Dongwoo and Myungsoo, and Sunggyu suspected that it was probably different than it normally would be with them. Or was Myungsoo really that distant and quiet? That boy hardly spoke a word to Sunggyu. Or maybe because he didn’t have a chance. Dongwoo was busy filling in every empty space in the air with his words, often nonsensical. It was sometimes hard for Sunggyu’s brain to follow. He actually got a headache trying to keep up the conversation. Sunggyu also couldn’t shake the feeling of awkwardness between the three of them. It was like he was meeting them for the first time, which he was in some aspects. He also was beginning to become racked with guilt. Dongwoo and Myungsoo sometimes looked hurt when he couldn’t remember some things, remember them.

After suffering in silence a while, Sunggyu excused himself to go wash up and take a nap (and down a good amount of painkillers). Dongwoo had asked if he needed help cleaning up, and Sunggyu hoped it was a joke and awkwardly laughed it off. Myungsoo once again, said nothing.

When Sunggyu closed his bedroom door, he let out a groan and rubbed his temples vigorously. What he should really do right now is call his sister. They had talked everyday since the accident. She had two small children and lived 3 hours away. And Woohyun had told her several times that he had everything handled. So she stayed at her home and insisted that her brother call her often. But Sunggyu’s brain was too foggy and cramped to hold another conversation. So he just sent a quick “I’m alive” text to his noona on his replacement phone (his old phone was crushed into smithereens during the accident). The only people on this phone was his noona and his best friend. I suppose I should ask those two for theirs, he thought with a sigh, tossing the phone back onto his bed. But not now.

After showering and taking his medication, he walked over to his closet to find clothes to wear. It was strange. Like shopping in a clothing store, his favorite store where everything was just his style. Well, I guess that I picked it out, he thought, going through hanger after hanger on his rack. Then he stopped. A smile crept onto his face. He pulled the red tracksuit off from the hanger. This wasn’t his. It stood out from the rest of his neutral toned clothes like a beacon. Holding the tracksuit in one hand, he dug further back into his closet. There were three more. Surely it wasn’t him with a tracksuit addiction. And the size was a bit too small for his liking. Sunggyu took the red sleeve of the jacket and put it under his nose. It didn’t smell like the other clothes. But it was familiar, warm, comforting. So he put it on, and all of the sudden, he felt safer, even though he looked ridiculous like a high school gym teacher. Sunggyu didn’t care.

He returned back to the bathroom shortly afterwards to brush his teeth. As he was reaching for his toothbrush, he finally realized that there were two of them. Why hadn’t he noticed that before? Was it possible that his mind was becoming more coherent? Or were his eyes now messed up and he was seeing two of everything? Nope, there were actually two toothbrushes. Sunggyu was holding them both now, one in each hand, contemplating which one was his. He then giggled. He figured it didn’t matter which one he used. He was already wearing a tracksuit that wasn’t his. Would it really matter if he used someone else’s toothbrush too (especially when he already felt like he was living someone else’s life)?

All cleaned and changed, Sunggyu flopped down onto his bed. He still wasn’t tired. He carefully rolled over onto his side, trying not to disturb his leg. He hadn’t been sleeping on his bed recently and slept on the couch instead. It didn’t bother him. He was hopped up on too much medicine to even care. But just because he wasn’t using the bed, didn’t mean that no one was. Sunggyu’s sheets smelled just like the tracksuits. He nestled his head into a pillow as he opened on of the drawers in the nightstand.

“Aish!” He had gotten up too fast and twisted his injured leg. He bit down on his tongue, stifling his cries, and his teary eyes darted towards the door. The last thing he needed right now were for those two not-really-strangers to come in and fuss over him. But they didn’t come in. Sunggyu let out a sigh and turned his attention back towards the drawer, taking out the tube of lubricant and magazines with glossy pictures of chiseled abs among other things. He clenched both of them tightly in his fist as his heart began racing. Sunggyu had a feeling that he was like this. It was good to know that the former him had accepted that he was gay as well.

As he was about to place the half-empty tube and magazines back to the drawers and quietly try to forget that he had found them, Sunggyu found a post-it note tacked to the bottom of the drawer. From the looks of it, it was an old message. The edges of it were curling inwards. It was wrinkled probably because it had been read several times. But Sunggyu never questioned why his former self would keep it. The new him would have saved it too.

Good morning, Gyu! Sleep well? I went out for a run. I’ll be back soon. Don’t worry! Your precious Nam Woohyun is safe. Coffee is in the pot.

There wasn’t anything incredibly special about the note. It was sort of mundane, but it was also Woohyun being his usual cocky self. Nevertheless, that’s why Sunggyu liked it, because it was mundane and it was Nam Woohyun. And so he held the note tightly in his hand as he drifted off into sleep.

Hours later, he was woken up by Dongwoo and Myungsoo who wanted to say goodbye and to make sure that he ate before they left. So the three of them sat down to eat a quick meal. Dongwoo once again dominated the conversation; however he spoke more gently and slowly as he was getting tired himself. Myungsoo once again was a man of few words, but he was also the one to serve Sunggyu and to clean up whenever he spilled, which was often. His arms were still weak.

Much to Sunggyu’s relief, the beeping of Sunggyu’s lock reached his ears.

“Looks like hyung’s husband is home,” Myungsoo remarked with a slight laugh. But then he immediately clamped his mouth shut and looked at Sunggyu with wide eyes. “I, uh, ah,” he stammered.

“It’s a running joke we have,” Dongwoo explained quickly as the apartment door creaked open. “You guys used to be roommates, and we called you ‘husbands.’ That’s it. But you guys aren’t anymore, so it’s like a divorce?” Dongwoo forced the joke and a laugh. He then got up from the table. “Nam-goon! I made dinner,” he spoke loudly, welcoming in Woohyun.

Woohyun stepped into the kitchen and placed his hands on Sunggyu’s shoulders as he surveyed the food on the table. “Hm, looks edible,” he judged and then broke into a soft chuckle. “So how’s the patient?”

“I’m good,” Sunggyu replied with a smile. I’m really good.

“Hey! That tracksuit is mine!”

“Oh is it? I must’ve forgot.”

The next day, only Dongwoo came to look after Sunggyu. It was better just having one friend there. Having two friends over made the apartment a bit too cramped. Also, as it would turn out, Dongwoo was the friend that Sunggyu had known the longest, since high school. He had met the others while in college. So Dongwoo was able to tell Sunggyu some things about their hometown, how they both planned to study in Seoul together.

Slowly, bit by bit, Sunggyu began to realize that the way he was behaving around Dongwoo was different, specialized. He was unconsciously treating Dongwoo more roughly than he did with Woohyun or Myungsoo. He could snap at him. He could threaten to hit. And he knew that Dongwoo would only react with a wide smile and a slew of random noises that didn’t mean much. Somehow he knew that Dongwoo was more of a push-over. Not only that, but when they had ordered chicken, Dongwoo had excused himself to wash his hands. Sunggyu began to dig in. He had picked up a chicken wing, but put it back down. It wasn’t appealing to him anymore. When Dongwoo came back, he cheered, “Assa! You saved me the wings! You’re too good to me, hyung.”

And that’s when it hit Sunggyu: he hadn’t completely forgotten everything. His impulses were still ingrained into his brain. They were still good. He should capitalize on them more.

Unfortunately, before he could explore his impulses a bit more with Dongwoo, Woohyun came back hours early.

“Sunggyu! Let’s make a visit to the courthouse!”

It was a feeling eerily similar to déjà vu as Sunggyu made his rounds around the courthouse. Woohyun wheeled the other around in a wheelchair from office to office. Magistrate Kim was apparently quite popular in the office. Several people came up to him, asking how he was, what he could remember, if he really was okay with coming back so early. Sunggyu himself wasn’t sure if he was ready, but Woohyun insisted that he’d go stir crazy if he stayed in that cramped apartment for much longer. Sunggyu trusted that the other knew him better than himself. He’d be there on Monday at 9.

The last office that they visited was his own. “Anything ringing a bell?” Woohyun asked as he wheeled Sunggyu up to his desk.

Sunggyu lifted himself out of the chair with a grunt and hopped over to his desk. “Not yet,” he responded, dragging a finger along the dark, polished wood. He looked at the name plaque on his desk. “I must’ve been somebody important,” he joked, placing the plaque back down.

“You are,” Woohyun responded, sitting on the edge of the desk. The one spot that wasn’t covered in papers. “Did you see how many people came to see you? Even Sungyeol ran out of his office when he heard that you were here.”

“Sungyeol?”

“The tall guy,” Woohyun explained. “You used to always complain that he was sent to earth to make your life a living hell, but it looks like he really respects you and just has an odd way of showing it.”

“Really?” Well, that would explain the twinge of annoyance when he heard Sungyeol screeching from down the hall. Sunggyu scoffed and lifted his gaze from the desk, meeting Woohyun’s. “I guess people are just drawn in by my char…chari…uh, charms.”

“Eung, you’re quite charismatic,” Woohyun subtly found the word that Sunggyu had been looking for. He had been doing that often lately. It was less embarrassing if it was just the two of them. Woohyun never made him feel dumb for not remembering. He would just supply it and act as if Sunggyu didn’t forget the word for chopsticks for the seventh time. However, it was embarrassing when he asked one of the coworkers where the nearest thing that spat out water because he couldn’t remember the (f***ing) word for sink. He was supposed to be smart, authoritative, rendering just verdicts (over simple issues, but still), yet he couldn’t remember such a simple thing.

Will I really be okay?

A hand clapped onto his shoulder. Sunggyu turned and saw the other grinning warmly at him. “You look tired. Let’s go home,” he suggested.

Sunggyu grabbed the hand on his shoulder and took it into his own. “Let’s go home,” he repeated softly.

On their way home, Woohyun revealed that his intention of bringing him to the courthouse was twofold. As they were getting onto the exit ramp, his eyes kept flickering over towards Sunggyu nervously. “What?” Sunggyu asked with a chuckle.

“You don’t feel anything?” Woohyun asked in disbelief.

“Well, I’m tired. My head is throbbing. My leg hurts and itches like Hell,” Sunggyu whined. “But that’s usual. Why?”

“You didn’t notice anything? Nothing at all?” Woohyun shot back at him.

Sunggyu thought for a moment and shook his head. “Other than the messed up guardrail, no,” he answered.

“Sunggyu,” Woohyun muttered under his breath. It sounded like he wanted to say more, but he just left it at that.

Sunggyu stared at Woohyun for a few minutes. The other was immensely concentrated on the road, even though they were now at a stoplight. It was like he was trying to make it turn green with his mind.

“That’s where the accident was, wasn’t it?”

Woohyun shot a quick glance over to his friend and looked back to the road. The light was now green and cars were honking impatiently for him to move. Sunggyu barely heard the assenting “Eung,” over the loud beeping. “I wanted to see if it would jog your memory. But did you really not remember a thing?” Woohyun asked. His furrowed eyebrows wrinkled his face in worry.

“No, not a single thing.”

Memory is a funny thing. Most people know that there is short term memory and then there is long term. What they don’t know is that the division doesn’t end there. Even within long term memory, information is stored in different parts of your brain. What Sunggyu was missing was episodic memory, recalling the events of his past which are processed in the hippocampus and stored in the neocortex. He still retained semantic memory that records facts and conceptions, which are stored in the frontal and temporal cortexes (the fact that he couldn’t recall words was more due to a shortened attention span and a foggy brain). And so when somebody asked him about the accident, he couldn’t recall. But when someone asked for his help deciding a case, Sunggyu was able to recall the exact law that they needed to abide by.

When he passed by the site of the accident, he felt absolutely nothing out of the ordinary. But when he saw Woohyun’s face after waking up for the first time, he felt a lot, too much. The feeling only grew the more and more they were together. Because Nam Woohyun wasn’t just an episode in his life, he was a constant. He was a fact. And the fact of the matter was, Sunggyu loved him, and he was pretty sure that Woohyun loved him back, that they were together.

It wasn’t just about the tracksuits in the closet, the extra toothbrush in the bathroom, or the note in the drawer. It was the fact that Woohyun rarely left his side since the accident, how easily the two of them got along, and the soft kisses Woohyun would plant on Sunggyu’s head when Sunggyu pretended to be asleep.

They were together. They just had to be.

And so that night, when they came home from the courthouse and had dinner, Sunggyu decided to experiment with his impulses again, trusting in them. When Woohyun leaned over to pick up Sunggyu’s dirty plate, Sunggyu mumbled “thanks” and pecked him on the cheek. And when Woohyun immediately swung his head around with eyes practically bulging, Sunggyu kissed his lips.

Woohyun dropped the plate with a loud clatter and straightened himself up. “W-what was that?” he stammered with fingers touching his lips.

Sunggyu smiled triumphantly and spoke in a sing-song voice, teasing the other, “I know.”

“Know what?” Woohyun’s brows furrowed again. He was going to get wrinkles soon if he wasn’t careful.

Sunggyu laughed and elaborated, “About us.”

“Sunggyu…” Woohyun said his name again with the same tone that he used in the car.

A scratching noise filled the room as Sunggyu drug his chair back and wobbled onto his feet. He put his arms around Woohyun’s neck to steady himself, and so that he could run his fingers through the other’s long hair. Sunggyu almost felt gleeful, seeing Woohyun’s face crumble further into confusion. Sunggyu had foiled his plot. He had won.

“I get why you hid it,” Sunggyu began. “I couldn’t remember you. It’d be weird. ‘Hey, you love me. Don’t you remember?’ Who would believe that? Especially with you,” Sunggyu teased, chuckling. But when he saw the hurt in the other’s eyes, the laughter caught in his throat. Sunggyu chewed his lip before continuing in a serious tone. “You must’ve been hurt. I’m sorry. But, Woohyunnie, I didn’t forget. Not really. I had a feeling that you were mine from the moment that I woke up.” As he was nearing the end of his victory speech, Sunggyu was cupping the Woohyun’s cheek and slowly leaning forward. And right as their lips brushed, Woohyun ducked down and out of the other’s arms, causing Sunggyu to stumble forward and almost crash face first onto the floor. Luckily, Sunggyu had caught the edge of a table and was able to save himself, but after steadying himself, he looked up at the other. His heart dropped.

Woohyun was on the other side of the room, back against the wall. His eyes were wide and his breathing, hectic. It was as if he had been attacked. “Hyung! Sunggyu-hyung,” Woohyun called out to the other between pants. “No…We aren’t…I’m not,” he blubbered, looking at everywhere except for the man across from him.

“I’m married!” he finally blurted out.

Sunggyu stumbled. His grip had slipped off the table. His palms had grown sweaty and his knees weak. Now, he couldn’t look at the other either. “You…you’re married?” he repeated.

“Y-yes.”

Sunggyu slammed a tight fist against the table. And he did it again and again, each hit getting weaker until his palm just rested flat against the table. “You…you’ve been with me for days!” he yelled, voice cracking. “I knew…I know NOTHING! And NOW you tell me you’re married?! What the Hell?!”

Woohyun cautiously took a step forward. “I didn’t think…”

“No you didn’t think,” Sunggyu caught him off and their eyes meet again. Sunggyu narrowed his on the other until he could see nothing but the tears forming in his eyes. “I can’t believe this.” Woohyun took another step forward again, but it wasn’t to console his friend.

“I…I have to go. My w-wife is waiting for me,” he stuttered as he grabbed his things and made for the door.

“Go!” Sunggyu shouted as the door slammed. “And don’t come back.”

That night, Sunggyu cried for the first time since he could remember. He didn’t know what was holding him back from doing so before. He had supposed that he was just a man with dry tears. But what he now realized was that before he had hope; he had optimism. That hope, however, just walked out the door.

He cried for several things: the pain the wouldn’t go away, the frustration at not being able to remember, the parents he had lost in life and memory, the sister he was neglecting, the future that seemed impossibly hard. He was crying for everything, all at once. But most of all, he was crying because Woohyun didn’t love him back, and would probably never.

Because if Woohyun didn’t love him, if they weren’t together, nothing in this new world made sense. Nothing added up. And the now ignorant Kim Sunggyu didn’t know what to believe anymore.

In the middle of the night, he was woken up by a splitting headache and a sudden thought. The tube in the drawer, it was half empty. If he wasn’t using it with Woohyun, he had to be using it with somebody else. But who?

And the toothbrush? Was that someone else’s as well? Or was Sunggyu just being economical and bought two because they were on sale? Or was it Woohyun’s, who had a habit of spending the night at the apartment? Which would also explain the several tracksuits. That or Sunggyu had stolen them from the other when he had moved out. It sounded like something he would do (because how many tracksuits does one really need if you’re not a high school coach? Sunggyu was just saving Woohyun from himself by taking them). And that stupid note, now crumpled up into a trash can. Sunggyu could’ve saved that from when they had lived together. A memento of their time together, a sign of Sunggyu’s unrequited love.

Sunggyu sat up in his bed. He knew that he wasn’t supposed to mix alcohol with his medication, but f**k it, he couldn’t get through the rest of the night sober. It took ages, but he finally rolled out of bed and hopped over to the fridge.

And that’s when he saw it.

Sunggyu hadn’t seen it before. Someone else had always done the cooking, had gotten him a drink, had pampered Sunggyu in his time of need. He hadn’t even opened the fridge since he had gotten home from the hospital, let alone really look at it. But right there, right smack in the middle of it’s white doors was Sunggyu’s wake-up call: Woohyun’s wedding invitation.

Sunggyu scoffed. Woohyun had lied. He wasn’t married…yet. The date was set for next month. It was right underneath the names of the bride and groom in glossy, cursive letters and famous quote about love by some (bull) author.

Sunggyu felt his throat tightening again and his eye watering. He took the invitation off of the door and threw it into the trashcan. He didn’t want to look at it any longer or ever again.

Myungsoo watched him that day, which was good for Sunggyu because he didn’t feel much like talking. The two only exchanged a handful of words to each other. Most of those being “Do you want to be alone?” Sunggyu nodded, and Myungsoo left before lunch, leaving Sunggyu alone for the longest span of time since he came home.

Sunggyu wondered why he barely ever had time to himself. Someone else always seemed to be in his small apartment with him. Why even bother living by yourself if you’re never alone, right?

But after a few hours of watching mind-numbing television, Sunggyu (re)learned that he hated being alone, absolutely abhorred it. It was just him with his thoughts, which were never good, especially now.

He had contemplated reaching for the phone, asking Myungsoo to bring him something and somehow convince the younger to spend the night. Then he remembered that he was also a grown man, and that if he was planning on spending the rest of his life as an eternal bachelor (because he’d never be able to recover from the embarrassment of the previous night), he might as well start being alone now.

And to christen his new lifestyle, he needed alcohol. It would appear that his ‘babysitters’ did not trust him, and the entire apartment was dry. There was not a drop of liquor to be found, which Sunggyu discovered the previous night. All he needed to do was to go to the convenience store which that-man-he-plans-on-forgetting-of showed him a few days ago. But as soon as he left the apartment, he had to go right back inside. He had forgotten his wallet.

After picking up some drinks and snacks at the store, Sunggyu slowly made his way back to the apartment. The bag was clenched in between his teeth as he used his crutches to travel up the sidewalk and into the building. As he climbed into the elevator and the doors were about to close, a high-pitched voice called out, “Oppa!” A hand in between the doors, not allowing them to close. The doors popped back open to reveal a tall, lean girl in a high school uniform. “Sunggyu oppa!”

“Hm?” Sunggyu’s grunt was muffled by the bag. He took the bag out of his mouth and asked, “Who are you?”

“Oppa!” the girl whined, stamping her foot. “I know that you have amnesia, but I can’t believe you could forget your girlfriend.”

Sunggyu looked the girl up and down. Besides not being his type, she would be just barely legal, if even that. The lawyer inside of him would not allow for such a relationship. He scoffed, “My girlfriend, huh? How long have we been dating?”

“A year,” the girl answered without skipping a beat.

Sunggyu rolled his eyes. “Yea, because I would date a minor,” he retorted.

“Age is nothing but a number,” the high schooler argued with a bright smile and a wave of her hand, as if breaking the law was nothing.

With his hand holding the bag, Sunggyu pressed two fingers onto the girl’s forehead and pushed it back. “Go to school, Sujeongie. Age is a word,” he scolded. The bell in the elevator dinged, telling them that they had reached their floor. And as Sunggyu got off, another bell rang in his mind. He had remembered her name.

He could recall nothing else about the girl. He assumed that they were neighbors, but being able to recall someone’s name like that, that was new. Is it coming back?

Sujeong, on the other hand, hadn’t even noticed. She laughed, having been caught. She walked backwards down the hall, still facing Sunggyu and clutching tightly on the straps of her bookbag. “It was worth a shot,” Sujeong admitted under her breath. She then tilted her head. “I always wondered why they never did that in dramas. Tell the person with amnesia that they’re in love. It’s the perfect opportunity for the second male lead to become the lead and get the girl,” her voice grew stronger with every word, gaining more confidence in what she was saying.

“Aigoo,” Sunggyu sounded like an old lady, but this girl needed a dose of reality. Sunggyu was more than happy to impart in upon her, “You just can’t tell somebody that they’re in love. Love is a feeling you can’t fake. You can’t make someone feel it just by telling them that they should.” Unlike Sujeong, as his voice carried on it became slower, more muted. He ended grumbling underneath his breath and angrily pressing the key code into his padlock.

Sujeong pursed her lips in thought. “True,” she agreed. Then she gasped and snapped her fingers, “But what if they just don’t feel it yet. Sometimes love needs to grow…”

“Go home, Sujeong,” Sunggyu cut her off as he opened his door. He could feel another headache coming on. “I’m not in the mood. I’m getting tired.”

“Okay,” the high schooler relented and walk away with her head hanging low.

Sunggyu felt bad for shutting her out, after closing the door, but his guilt lasted for only a second. There was knocking on his door.

“I said go home, Sujeong!” he yelled as he opened the door.

It wasn’t the high schooler. Sunggyu had to look down to see the woman now at his door. She was significantly shorter and was dressed in business attire, but she gave off the impression of a child playing dress up. She hardly looked older than the high schooler, especially with her jaw hanging like it was in shock. “Oh! Everyone said that you had amnesia,” she muttered.

“Uh, I, uh,” Sunggyu stammered, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand. “I thought you were someone else.”

The woman cocked an eyebrow. “Someone else with my name?” she asked.

Apparently, Kim Sunggyu knew more than one Sujeong. At least that’s one less name that I have to remember. “Yes,” he replied with a short nod.

“Well that’s weird,” business Sujeong said with an uneasy laugh, wringing her hands nervously.

Sunggyu leaned his head against the doorframe and tried to dig his head into it. “Everything is weird. Nothing makes sense,” he mumbled. He then lifted his head and asked, “Who are you?”

“I’m Lee Sujeong,” she introduced herself with a polite smile, standing up straight. “I work at the courthouse with you. I just came by….” She held the last word as she dug through her bag and pulled out a stack of papers. “…to drop off some cases.” Sujeong handed him the papers.

Sunggyu accepted them from her but eyed the girl suspiciously. “You don’t look old enough to work there. How old are you? 16?” he guessed.

“Ha-ha,” Sujeong remarked dryly with a roll of her eyes. It was obvious that she’d heard this several times before. “I’m 26.”

“Sorry,” Sunggyu quickly apologized and changed the subject. “And this,” he shook the papers in his hand. “I’m not suffering enough so you have to dump work on me.”

“Yes,” Sujeong responded without missing a beat in a serious tone. But she soon broke out into a grin, laughing at herself. “Also to dip your toes in the water before plunging back in on Monday. I can go over them with you, if you’d like. Can I, uh, come in?” she offered awkwardly.

“Uh, I guess,” Sunggyu replied, side-stepping to let her through. His eyes were on the cases. He flipped through them as he led her into the living room.

“So I heard that Woohyun took you around yesterday,” Sujeong attempted to make casual conversation as she sat down on the couch. “Sorry I wasn’t there.”

There’s nothing to be sorry for. I don’t even remember you, Sunggyu wanted to say, but he held it back on his tongue. “It’s okay,” he said instead with a nod and sat besides her. “I didn’t stay for long.”

“Pity,” it was the sarcastic tone in her voice and teasing smile that lead Sunggyu to believe that there was more to their relationship than just coworkers. The cases seemed to be just a pretense, an excuse to come over and check up on him.

“Sujeong-ssi, are we close?” he blurted out.

Sujeong sputtered and began to wring her hands again. “This is awkward,” she remarked under her breath. “Um, yes and no? We kind of drifted a part recently.”

“Why?”

She shrugged. “Work, I suppose. We both got busy.”

“Then,” Sunggyu began turning towards her, staring her down. Sujeong flinched a little at the other’s overbearing attention. “How close were we before?”

“Pretty close,” she answered, eyes fixed on her hands in her lap. “We’ve known each other for years. You’re my sunbae, at both work and school.”

“You followed me?” Sunggyu teased.

Sujeong seemed relaxed by that comment and giggled a little as she responded, “Eung. Seems like that.”

Then a sudden thought struck him as the blush began to creep on the woman’s cheeks. She was growing hot and nervous. “Why?” Sunggyu muttered as he studied her. He swallowed harshly. Just how much did he forget about? “Do you like me?” Sunggyu asked. Just how “close” were they?

Sujeong broke out into a roaring laughter and began slapping her knee as if it was the funniest thing she had heard in a while. A tear even slipped from her eye. “No, not you,” she said, giving Sunggyu a shove. “I don’t like men with big heads, sorry.” She didn’t seem sorry at all.  But when she noticed that Sunggyu wasn’t laughing with her, she sobered up and took the stack from his hands. “Come on. Let’s look at the cases,” she suggested.

“Sujeong,” Sunggyu called out to her. She perked up her head and looked at him. “Was I seeing anybody?” If she was truly close to him, then she had to know. The used tube in the drawer still bothered him. If it wasn’t with Woohyun….

Sadly, Sujeong shook her head, “Not that I know of. Why?”

Sunggyu sighed and hung his head. He closed his eyes tightly, slightly hoping that he’d wake up again and this all was nothing but a dream, “Nothing makes sense,” he mumbled to himself, raking his fingers roughly through his hair. “If I’m not with Woohyun, nothing makes sense.” No matter how Sunggyu rearranged or recalculated the facts in his mind, he kept coming up with the same conclusion. Even when he tried to assign different interpretations on them, it just didn’t seem right. Nothing seemed right.

Even though Sunggyu was talking to himself, Sujeong heard it loud and clear. “Oppa,” she called out to him in a gentle but chiding voice. “I’ve been telling you that for years.”

“Huh?” Sunggyu perked up his head and his heart stopped. No way.

“Your relationship makes sense to no one,” she elaborated. “Not to me, or to Dongwoo or to Myungsoo. Or your sister. “ A sad sigh escaped her lips as her gaze drifted back to those hands in her lap. “None of this makes sense.”

Sunggyu looked over at her and cocked his head. “You guys talk about it behind our backs?” he asked, surprised.

“Yes!” Sujeong immediately responded, letting out a few laughs.

Sunggyu laughed too. His mood immediately lifted. Hope was found again. He and Woohyun, so there was some thing between them. Now if he could just get Woohyun to realize it too…Then the laughter gave away to the harsh reality. “But, Sujeong…Woohyun is getting married.” And as much as Sunggyu loved Woohyun, he couldn’t carry on an extramarital affair with him or to break up a relationship. He wouldn’t risk his career…or his heart for it. The chances of there being something other than misunderstandings, dwindled.

“Y-you introduced him to…her!” Sujeong stammered, punching the other in the arm.

“Ow!” Sunggyu in his breath. “Why would I do that?” he asked and narrowed his gaze on Sujeong. He rubbed his arm gingerly. Why would you do that?

“I don’t know. I really don’t know,” Sujeong grumbled, exasperated. She shook her head violently. She then groaned and stared back at the other just as intensely. “I think the only person who knows that…is you. Was you,” she corrected at the end.

Sunggyu sat there, contemplating his former life and all of its horrible choices as he rubbed his arm. Why did I do that? He winced. Why can she hit so hard for a tiny person?

“Forget it. Let’s go over the cases,” he changed the subject.

As they were doing so, he realized why so many people were pushing him back to work so early. He genuinely enjoyed it. He always had a knack for passing judgment on people, and he was glad to make a career of it. Also small details and laws quickly came to mind. He was recollecting them with such ease. He felt smart again.

When he remarked to Sujeong how weird it was that he knew the obscure nuances of law but didn’t know what happened a month ago. How she replied stuck in his mind, and he kept repeating to himself over and over again: “Some things are worth forgetting.”

Just what exactly was he forgetting?

The rest of the week past without much to comment on. Dongwoo and Myungsoo visited. His sister called. Woohyun stayed away. It was what Sunggyu expected. However, today he didn’t know what to expect as he planned on returning to the office. But Woohyun coming through his apartment door had to be the last thing he would.

“Why are you here?” Sunggyu blubbered as he quickly tried to put on his trousers, embarrassed to be caught in just his boxers in front of the other. But it was difficult to do over the cast, and he fumbled, almost falling onto the floor.

Woohyun only chuckled as he watched his friend struggle. “You need a ride to work,” he answered.

Sunggyu scoffed, “I have a car.” And he apparently could drive. It shouldn’t be too hard to remember how to.

“You have a totaled car,” Woohyun corrected, crossing his arms over his chest. “And are you going to drive with that?” He pointed to the cast, still uncovered by the pants. “Good luck.” He ended with a shrug and began to head out the door.
“Woohyun-ah, wait!” Sunggyu shouted after him. Woohyun stopped and faced him expectantly. “I’ll go with you. I’ll go!”

After quickly throwing on clothes and grabbing whatever he thought he would need for a day at the office, they departed and got into Woohyun’s car. And things between them seemed normal, which only confused Sunggyu even more. Woohyun was too casual about everything. Did he hit his head too? Did he forget about the other night? Or did he choose to forget? Sunggyu had a vague feeling that it was the latter. Sweeping things under the rug, playing ignorant, they’ve done this before. Did that mean that Sunggyu had confessed before? Sunggyu removed his gaze from the other and stared at the road ahead of him, a hand over his heart. Had he reopened an old wound? Because it felt like his heart was rebounding a bit too quickly from its latest blow.

Or was Kim Sunggyu that indifferent?

Woohyun also drove him home that day, joking with Sunggyu’s coworkers that he was now his friend’s chauffer. But as a chauffer, Woohyun wasn’t the best. He sped. He braked too late. And he didn’t know where he was going.  “Get off. This exit is quicker. It’s the one I usually take,” Sunggyu said as the exit was coming up. It was the exit before the one that they took last time. Apparently Sunggyu could only remember “important” things, like how to cut out five minutes from his daily commute.

Woohyun looked over at him. “Really?”

“Yea.”

Sunggyu held tightly onto the door handle as Woohyun swerved into the exit ramp last minute. As he was just about to curse out the other, Sunggyu bit his tongue. The other was doing him a favor. Woohyun was still taking care of him, even though Sunggyu had practically sabotaged their relationship by swearing that they were more than they actually were. Woohyun was a good friend, the best. But why did he always feel this compulsion to treat the other horribly, to curse at and make fun of Woohyun? What kind of person was Kim Sunggyu?

“Woohyun? Was the old me different?” he asked.

“From you right now?” Woohyun asked. Sunggyu nodded, trying to swallow but his mouth was dry. Woohyun, thankfully, shook his head. “No. Not really.”

Sunggyu let go a deep breath and commented lowly, “Sometimes, it seems like the old me was a jerk.”

“Hm?” Woohyun glanced over at him. His eyebrows were raised so high that they almost touched his hairline. “No,” he kindly denied. “That didn’t change. You’re still a jerk now,” he teased.

“Yah!”

Well, at least one thing cleared up. Sunggyu was a jerk at times to Woohyun because the other practically begged to get cursed at and hit. Maybe he was a masochist. Maybe they both were.

Later that week, Myungsoo stopped by to have dinner with Sunggyu. Both he and Dongwoo were coming in less frequently, spending less time with him, as they were all trying to return to a normal schedule. But Sunggyu wondered how normal it was to be sitting in silence with Myungsoo, the both of them opting to be picking at their food rather than talking. It wasn’t judging by the videos on Woohyun’s phone where Myungsoo is incessantly laughing, cracking up so hard that he spat on people. Sunggyu couldn’t believe that it was the same person as the man across from him right now. Woohyun had sworn to him that they had been like brothers, but now they weren’t even acting like distant cousins.

 “Woohyun told me that we are like brothers,” Sunggyu broke the silence between them.

Myungsoo looked up from his food and mumbled shyly, “We were.”

Although the “were” sent a slight twinge in Sunggyu’s heart , Sunggyu still hoped that they were close enough at some point to answer the question on Sunggyu’s mind: “Myungsoo-yah, was I seeing anybody?”

Myungsoo wiped his mouth and tilted his head in thought. “I don’t think so. Why?” he concluded.

“It just that…” Sunggyu paused for a second, looking up at the other. Well, there’s no way that I could make this relationship any worse. He sighed and continued, “I found something that made me think that I was.”

Myungsoo quickly quirked his head, intrigued. “What?” he asked.

“Promise me that you won’t tell anyone,” Sunggyu commanded, pointing at the other. “Especially Dongwoo. He doesn’t look like he could keep a secret.”

The younger was getting more visibly excited, practically bouncing in his seat. Maybe he was the man in the videos. “Okay. What is it?” he asked in a loud whisper as he leaned forward.

Sunggyu gestured towards to the younger to get up from the table and to follow him into the bedroom. Once inside, Sunggyu leaned over his bed and pulled the tube from the drawer. “This,” he announced, handing it to Myungsoo.
“Ew! Hyung!” Myungsoo shouted, not even touching the tube, acting as if it were scorching hot and slapped it down onto the bed. He wiped his hands furiously on his pants. “I don’t want to know what you do on your own time!” he screeched, now using his hands to cover his eyes.

Sunggyu then grabbed the tube and shook on Myungsoo’s arm, attempting to drag it down. “But Myungsoo, look,” he begged. The younger shook his head fervently. “I used it. Look!”

“I saw. I saw,” Myungsoo yelped and pushed the older away. “Get it away from me!”

Sunggyu just allowed himself to fall on the bed, staring at the half-used tube in his hand. He then tossed it aside and flopped down onto his back. “There had to be someone,” he muttered under his breath.

“Hyung.” Sunggyu blinked his eyes open to see Myungsoo looming over him. The younger tapped his shoulder, silently begging for him to make room on the bed so that he could sit down next to him. Sunggyu got up and moved over. The younger sat down and gestured over to the tube. “Do you even know how old that is? It could be from years ago.”

“Ah, that’s true,” Sunggyu mumbled.

“Anyways…the important thing is…” Myungsoo kept pausing, struggling to find a good way to phrase everything. “…even if you were using that with someone recently. You were in an accident. You were in a coma for days,” his voice grew louder and more steady, getting visibly upset as well. “If they didn’t come to see you, then maybe they’re worth forgetting. The people who are by you right now. That’s important.” He lifted his gaze to meet Sunggyu’s at the end. The concern in his eyes was evident, and so was his point. They might’ve not talked much these past weeks, but the fact that Myungsoo was just there, it meant a lot. All of the people who were by his side during this difficult time, they were the ones that mattered.

Sunggyu smiled and ruffled the other’s hair. “You’re a smart kid,” he cooed.

It might’ve been the silken hair between his fingers or the contended murmurs passing the younger’s lips, but the moment triggered a memory. Myungsoo was in a long black robe, with bright yellow cords hanging around his neck. The kid graduated college with honors. Sunggyu returned to his alma mater to celebrate the moment with his friend. “You’re a smart kid,” he spoke in the same, proud tone, after the ceremony was over and Myungsoo showed him the diploma. Even then, Sunggyu patted the younger on the head like a small child. But Sunggyu didn’t mean to treat him like one. He was genuinely proud. The younger had worked hard for years, spending a lot of sleepless nights and sweat and tears, and it all paid off.

Even now, several years later, the proud feeling swelled within Sunggyu again, just reflecting back on the memory.

“Hyung,” Myungsoo broke Sunggyu’s reverie with a sputtering laugh. “I never imagined that this was how you were going to come out to me.”

“Huh?” Sunggyu choked. He looked around the room frantically. “Y-you didn’t know?” He groaned and shut his eyes tightly. He had unintentionally outted himself, thinking that he already had. He really needed to stop making assumptions.

“Oh I knew,” Myungsoo teased with a small smile, nudging the other. “But you never told me that you were gay.” He then laughed heartily and wrapped his arms around the other. “It’s okay!” he encouraged. “I still love you…platonically.”

“Thank you,” Sunggyu replied, his voice dripping with sarcasm. “Can we just forget that this ever happened?” he whined, his head falling onto the other’s shoulder.

“Okay,” Myungsoo agreed. He then sighed happily. “I like this.”

“Huh?”

“You’re more honest. More open,” Myungsoo elaborated. “You used to be so guarded. You had a lot of secrets.”

Sunggyu sighed. He wanted to say that it was because he didn’t know any better, that he didn’t know what was a secret or what was out in the open. But being unintentionally honest brought them closer together again. Sunggyu wondered what would happen if he did so intentionally.

He was going to talk to Woohyun about his feelings. Sunggyu was going to sort them out and get closure on all of this. Woohyun didn’t have to return the feelings, and Sunggyu would be okay with it (or at least he thought he would). But he couldn’t go around pretending like some things didn’t happen, pretending that they had selective amnesia. It had him stuck in this swirling hole of confusion and headaches, not knowing which way was up anymore.

He was going to do it on this night, but then Dongwoo shattered his plans.

It was Dongwoo’s turn to have dinner with Sunggyu. And they were joking around about their days. Sunggyu had just finished telling the other about how it seemed like Sujeong was avoiding him, and about how she almost fell down in the hall as she was scurrying away in her towering high heels (which made her look almost average height).

“Eh, she’s just busy.  She’s probably doing last minute things because there’s not much time left,” Dongwoo excused her.

“Not much time until what?’ Sunggyu asked through a mouth filled with food. He swallowed it down. “Does she have a trial coming up?”

Dongwoo raised an eyebrow, curiously. “No, the wedding,” he answered slowly, trying to jog the other’s memory.

“Oh,” Sunggyu gasped. “She’s getting married?”

“Yes,” Dongwoo was cautious. He stared at Sunggyu for awhile before answering. “To Woohyun, remember?”

“!” Sunggyu got up from the table like a shot. “No.” He hobbled over to the trash can and dug through it, not caring for whatever else was in there. “No, no, no, no, no, no,”  he constantly muttered under his breath until he finally found what he was looking for: the wedding invitation. And across the top in swirling letters were the names “Bride Lee Sujeong and Groom Nam Woohyun.” Sunggyu let the crumpled invitation slip through his fingers. “F**k.”

Dongwoo had thought that Sunggyu had heard about the wedding for the first time and began to immensely apologize for it. He kept repeating that Woohyun should have been the one to tell him, that maybe he should call up Woohyun now.

No, there was no way that Sunggyu was going to call his best friend now, not when he had apparently revealed his deepest secret to Sujeong, that he was in love with his best friend, and she had agreed. There was no telling now how much Sunggyu had f***ked up their relationship.

Dongwoo left after tossing Sunggyu’s cell phone into his hands. “I’ll leave so that you guys can talk,” he offered and headed out of the door. Sunggyu didn’t call but he sent a text:

Woohyun-ah, I’m sorry. I don’t think that I should go to the wedding. You know why. Also I need to catch up with work. It never seems to stop. But best of luck to you and Sujeong. Nam Woohyun, Fighting!

Also don’t pick me up anymore. Hyung needs to “get back on the horse” and start driving again.

It had taken him the rest of the night to come up with that. But there was still one more thing that he wanted to say. He stared at the text box, with the messaging waiting to be sent. The cursor was still blinking next to it.

I love you.

He pulled the battery out of his phone and stuffed it into a drawer in his bedside table, keeping those words to himself. He shut his eyes tightly and buried his face in his pillow.

Some things are worth forgetting…or not saying.

Beep, boop, beep. “F**k” Boop, beep, boop. “F***ing stupid.” Bang! Bang! Bang!

Sunggyu hobbled out of his bedroom, still groggy with sleep, but it sounded like someone was trying to break into his home. He grabbed onto his crutch resting by the wall. Even though he was still injured and tired, he could still bludgeon this bastard to death if need be.

“Open up! Sunggyu! I know you’re in here. The f***ing code won’t work.”

Sunggyu sighed. It wasn’t a bastard. It was just Nam Woohyun. But Sunggyu still clutched onto his crutch tightly. He still might use it if this conversation went badly.

Sunggyu approached the door and opened it, revealing Woohyun leaning against his doorframe. The man’s body was heaving, panting and…“W-what are you wearing?” Sunggyu sputtered. Woohyun was in a tuxedo, now rumpled as was his hair which looked like it had been meticulously styled before.

“Sunggyu, you can’t just wake up and all of the sudden love me!” he slurred, pushing past the other and walking into the apartment.

Sunggyu spun around. “What?”

Woohyun took in a deep breath, trying to calm himself down, but he couldn’t. He gritted his teeth and growled lowly, “You can’t just wake up and suddenly love me.”

“Woohyun,” Sunggyu called out to him gently. The other met his gaze with fire blazing in his eyes. Sunggyu looked away, dragged himself over to the couch and sat down. “It wasn’t a sudden thing,” he admitted. “I always did.” The proof is everywhere. It was the only thing he knew for sure: he was in love with Woohyun before and after the accident.

Angry footsteps stomped across the room and ended in front of him. Sunggyu could practically see his reflection in those shiny, black shoes. But he refused to lift up his head. “Then why didn’t you tell me? Why tell me now?” Woohyun barked. “Why didn’t you tell me before? Why?”

Sunggyu raised his head. Tears were running down Woohyun’s cheeks, but he was still panting angrily. Sunggyu reached up and tugged on Woohyun’s coat sleeve, pulling the man down to sit besides him. “I’ll tell you once you calm down. So…alm down,” he urged in a soothing voice. He wrapped his arms around the other, holding him close to his chest and not caring how frantically his own heart was beating. He ran his hand down Woohyun’s back. “Calm down,” Sunggyu was saying this to himself now. Because his mind was whirring a mile a minute. What the Hell am I doing? Let go, Sunggyu. Let go now. He held onto Woohyun tighter, mostly because Woohyun was trying to escape.

“I’m calm!” Woohyun insisted, still struggling against the other. He eventually gave in, melting into the embrace. “I’m calm. Tell me.”

Sunggyu pulled away and cleared his throat. The reason why he hadn’t revealed his feelings before, Sunggyu had a sneaking suspicion. It was the reason why he couldn’t send that last text (even though his feelings now were loud and clear). “Before…I think that I wanted to take all of the suffering. I didn’t tell you because I thought it would be better if you didn’t know. It would be better for you this way. You’d hurt less.”

He didn’t want to hurt their friendship…or any other relationship for that matter. Sunggyu would be eventually running for an appointment as a judge. He was a political figure. He couldn’t afford to involve himself that might put that in jeopardy. And even though Sunggyu no longer had parents, Woohyun still did. What if Woohyun was disowned because of it? Or even if Woohyun’s relationship with his parents soured just a bit, Sunggyu would feel eternally guilty for it. And finally, Sujeong, she must’ve always been in the corner of his mind. As much as it would seem that Woohyun loved him, Woohyun was still with her.

Sunggyu must have decided that it was frugal for him to keep his feelings festering inside. To only be content to be at Woohyun’s side.

“But, Gyu,” Woohyun interrupted his thoughts. “I am hurt. I’ve always…” he stopped and groaned. “Why now? Why does it have to be now?”

“I guess that I forgot to care,” Sunggyu joked, trying to lift the heavy atmosphere. It worked. Woohyun shook his head, quietly chuckling as he tugged the bowtie off from around his neck. Sunggyu then reached over and tucked a flipped collar back down. The fabric was thick and slick against his fingers. It was expensive. “Woohyun, where did you come from?” he asked.

“The bar,” Woohyun answered with a grin. And he smelled like it. Alcohol filtered off of his breath. However, that wasn’t all. “But before that…pictures.”

“Right.” Sunggyu retracted his fingers and nodded. “The wedding isn’t until next week.” It’s just wedding photos, he told himself. It’s not done yet.

A hand clamped onto his knee. Woohyun was looking at him with pleading eyes. “Are you really not coming?” he asked. Sunggyu wordlessly shook his head. Woohyun pouted as he fruitlessly argued, “But…you’re my best friend.”

“I can’t,” Sunggyu declared as he removed Woohyun’s hand from his knee. “Give me some time to get used to…this. And I’ll be back. Hyung will be back,” he assured the other.

The pout deepened and Woohyun narrowed his eyes, crossing his arms defiantly across his chest. “You’re doing it again, being a martyr,” he grumbled. He then leaned closer, bringing his face inches away from Sunggyu’s. “But…can’t you see that I’m suffering too? Gyu, I’m hurt,” he emphasized that last word, placing a hand over his heart. “I’ve done everything you told me to do. Date Sujeong. Marry Sujeong. Try to live a normal life. To…to not love you.” He ticked each one off of his fingers. After he was done, he clenched his hand into a fist and glared at the other. “I did those things because you said it was for the best. I trusted you.”

“I trusted you,” Sunggyu recalled when Woohyun had said those words before with less malic but more sadness in his voice. It was when Sunggyu had pushed the other off of him and ran away. Woohyun had trusted that Sunggyu would love him, that he wouldn’t run away.

Woohyun had walked in on Sunggyu crying that night. They were still living together back then. It had always taken Sunggyu a while to register things, and he didn’t fully realize the impact of his mother’s death until it was the holidays and he had no home to return to. And so he cried, bitterly and ugly. He sounded like a dying animal, but he didn’t care. He didn’t even care when Woohyun walked in. He had caught his best friend crying in a corner more often than he could count. It was only a matter of time until Woohyun had caught Sunggyu doing the same.

“Sh! Sh,” Woohyun hushed him gently, taking a place next to him on the couch. Woohyun tried his best to wipe the tears away, but they were coming down too fast. “What’s wrong?”

Sunggyu told him, blubbering out the answer about he as a grown man missed his mother, how he just wanted to go home. But eventually, his words became incoherent and just dissolved into whimpers. Woohyun listened intently through it all. And when Sunggyu did nothing more than cry a puddle into his work-shirt, Woohyun pressed light kisses onto his head, saying “You are home.” When Sunggyu raised his head, sniffing back the tears, Woohyun leaned forward and kissed his friend’s pouting lips.

Things only escalated from there. They had been heading in this direction for a while. Their words to each other had become sweeter and their touches lingering. They were spending more time with each other than anyone else, even the people that they worked with for 8 hours almost everyday. But it wasn’t enough.

But it was as Woohyun was fumbling with Sunggyu’s pants’ buckle, when Sunggyu’s mind snapped out of it’s haze. He thought of his career, and then of Woohyun’s, of their families, of how wrong this was. He pushed Woohyun away. “I trusted you,” were the last words he heard that night as he slammed the bedroom door closed.

“Trust hyung.” It was a week later and Sunggyu had dragged Woohyun to his office Christmas party. They had chalked up that night to mutual ual frustration and poor decision-making. But they were both lying to each other through their teeth. Sunggyu knew why he wouldn’t admit his feelings, and he supposed that Woohyun wouldn’t admit to his because Sunggyu refused to reveal his own. It was a stalemate. However, Sunggyu had a plan to break it. “Trust me and ask Sujeong out.”

He was well aware of his hoobae’s crush on his best friend. The sky was blue and Sujeong thought that Woohyun had a cute . These things were obvious. But he chose Sujeong for another reason. He had always seen the woman as a petite, female version of himself, just as driven and sarcastic with a soft heart hidden under a tough exterior. Woohyun would fall for her. She was just his type.

Sunggyu sighed, drawing himself back to the present. Woohyun had fallen for Sujeong as he had expected…and had forgotten that he did.

 “I trusted you,” Woohyun repeated with a snarl.

“Do you not anymore?”

“No,” Woohyun answered all too fast.

Sunggyu laughed. “That’s probably a good thing.”

Woohyun furrowed his eyebrows and pulled away. “Sunggyu, Sujeong…she loves me. And I love her,” he stated..

“As you should,” Sunggyu replied. His tongue felt heavy in his mouth. He didn’t know what more to say.

“We’re getting married,” Woohyun declared, gathering his pants into his fists. He then looked back at Sunggyu. “And I want you to come because…you’re my best friend.”

“I know. I know,” Sunggyu responded, patting his friend on the back. However, he wasn’t promising anything.

“Okay,” Woohyun muttered, sending the other one last glance. Then he got up from the couch. “It’s getting late. I better go. Good night.” And with a wave, he was gone.

“Night, Hyunnie.” 

The next several days, Sunggyu immersed himself in work and bottle after bottle of juice. Unfortunately, he was still taking pain killers and couldn’t drink. The medicine numbed the pain in his leg and his head, but Sunggyu wanted to feel entirely numb. The pain killers didn’t work like that. So his work distracted him.

Dongwoo and Myungsoo were good distractions as well. Myungsoo opened up more to Sunggyu, and Sunggyu opened up more to Dongwoo, coming out to his oldest friend, who (like Myungsoo) was not surprised in the slightest. Dongwoo only asked him to pass the ketchup. Sunggyu was frustrated. Why even bother keeping it a secret if everyone knew? The old him (or just him in general) was an idiot.

And all three of them avoided talking about the upcoming wedding. Just like his uality, Sunggyu’s feelings for Woohyun weren’t a secret either.

Sunggyu also hadn’t seen Woohyun since the night the latter burst into his apartment clad like a butler. Which also meant that Sunggyu didn’t have a ride to his work. He also needed an actual car too and a leg that worked, but those were just minor details. Although it was expensive, he took a taxi everyday until he could find someone at the courthouse that lived in his neighborhood. Eventually, he began having a regular taxi driver picking him up and dropping him off. Sunggyu didn’t even need to give the man his address anymore. The taxi driver already knew where to go. Except the one day Sunggyu decided to change his route.

“Take the next exit,” Sunggyu ordered.

The driver looked at him through the review mirror. “Doing something today?” he asked.

Sunggyu nodded and looked through the window. “I want to see something,” he answered.

He wanted to see that exit ramp, the one he normally didn’t take, the site of his accident. Why had he gone down there? Why was he in such a hurry? Sunggyu wondered if it would come to him if he saw the site again. But it didn’t. They passed on by and he still didn’t feel a thing.

“Where now?” the driver asked after reaching the end of the ramp.

“Take a left,” the answer came to him. “Then take the second street on the right.” A building suddenly flashed in his mind, red brick apartment complex.

“Ah!” the driver exclaimed. “I know just the place. Are you visiting somebody.”

“Yea,” Sunggyu answered with a sad smile. They were heading to the apartment complex where he used to live, where he moved out of so that Sujeong could take his place. “I’m going to see my best friend.”

Best friend. It came to Sunggyu in short bursts, like seeing a video montage of his life. It started with a panicked phone call. Kongddeok, Woohyun’s new puppy, had run out again. She had a habit of darting out of the door whenever it opened. The only problem was that Kongddeok had not only gotten out of the apartment, but she got out of the building. And it was the biggest storm of the year. It wasn’t a big deal. Not to Sunggyu. After all, it was the biggest storm of the year. The puppy couldn’t have gone too far. Woohyun would find her again in a manner of minutes. It wasn’t a big deal, but why did Sunggyu hastily leave his work and sped off down the highway? Because Woohyun was absolutely panicking and that’s why. Sunggyu wasn’t rushing off to help find the dog. He was rushing back home because he didn’t want Woohyun to have a heart attack.

He was still on the phone with Woohyun as he was driving, trying to calm Woohyun down, asking if he looked in the back alley behind the complex. “Oh! I found her! She’s under the dumpster!”

“That’s gr—!”

Sunggyu was speeding, he was distracted, and now he lost control of the car. He jerked the wheel, trying to regain control, but it only made it worse. The car sailed through the guardrail.

“Gyu…Sunggyu? Is everything okay?” Woohyun’s voice crackled through the speakers.

Rain was pelting against Sunggyu’s cheek, mixing with the blood. Every part of him felt broken, shattered and wet. He opened his eyes but he couldn’t see properly. Everything was blurry. However he didn’t need to see to know what was happening.

“Gyu? Sunggyu? Answer me!”

“Woohyun-ah,” he coughed out. He was struggling to find the air. “I think I’m dying.”

“! I’m gonna call—“

“No!” Sunggyu yelled, his voice cracking. This is it this is the end. “N-no, stay with me.”

“S-sunggyu, you have to get through this, okay? You’re my best friend. I need you. Just hang on. You’re my very best friend. You have to live, okay? Sunggyu, speak to me. Say something. You’re my…”

Sunggyu really tried to say something back, but he out.

And it wasn’t until right now when the driver pulled into the parking lot when Sunggyu realized that whenever Woohyun mentioned them being “best friends,” he meant something more.

I love you.

And even when he thought Sunggyu was going to die, Woohyun still couldn’t say it. He was probably too worried of upsetting Sunggyu in his “last” moments. However, Sunggyu didn’t either. Not even with what he thought was his dying breaths.

But that’s all okay because Sunggyu didn’t die, and now he was standing in front of his old apartment.

Beep. Boop. Beep. “Dummy.”

Even the passcode was still the same as when he’d moved out. Woohyun hadn’t changed it. Sunggyu opened the door and a tan fluffball darted out. He was ready for it, already bent down to catch her. “You have a habit of running out, huh?” he chided, ruffling the dog’s fur. “Kongddeok-ie!” he cooed in a baby voice.

“She’s usually easy to catch though.” Sunggyu turned his attention away from the dog and saw Woohyun leaning against the doorframe, dressed in one of his trademark tracksuits. It was a stark difference from the last time they met. Woohyun lifted himself off the frame and took his puppy from the other. “Do you remember her?”

“Yes,” Sunggyu answered, reaching over and scratched Kongddeok behind her ear.

“That’s great!” Woohyun exclaimed. “You must be too cute to forget,” Woohyun babbled, bouncing the dog in his arms. “Look at that face!” he said, lifting Kongdeok’s face eye-level with Sunggyu’s. Sunggyu chuckled and took the dog away from the other. He step inside (without an invitation), closed the door, and put the dog down on the ground. Woohyun watched him, confused.

“Woohyun, why are you here?” Sunggyu asked, crossing his arms over his chest. A smug smile was gracing his face. “Shouldn’t you be getting ready?”

“Uh, right,” Woohyun muttered, dropping his gaze, pretending to search for his dog. “The wedding.”

That’s right. Today was Woohyun’s wedding day. Sunggyu remembered it as he stepped inside the elevator, but he didn’t change his mind. He was still going to try. Maybe he could catch Woohyun as he was leaving. That would mean that Sunggyu would probably have to go to the ceremony afterwards, but it was worth the risk.

But here was Woohyun, clad in a bright orange tracksuit, trying to pet his dog with his foot. “It’s in an hour,” Sunggyu reminded him.

“You said you weren’t going to come,” Woohyun turned it back on him.

“I did,” Sunggyu admitted. “And I’m not.”

“Then why are you here?” Woohyun asked. Then he faked a gasp. “You didn’t…Did you come to stop it?”

Well, if Woohyun was going to put it that way. No, no he wasn’t. Sunggyu all of the sudden found the wall very interesting to look at. “I don’t know why I came. I forgot,” he dryly replied.

“Eh,” Woohyun cursed pushed him at the shoulder. “You can’t get amnesia whenever it’s convenient for you. It’s not fair. Tell me,” he demanded, stamping his foot in frustration.

Sunggyu pushed him back. “What about you? No groom idly chats with his friend an hour before he gets married,” he pointed out. “Aren’t you supposed to be receiving people right now?”

“I am,” Woohyun cheekily responded. “I’m receiving you.”

Sunggyu took a step forward, squaring himself against the other. “There is no wedding, is there?”

“There was!” Woohyun argued. He then sighed and dropped his gaze, mumbling, “Sujeong broke it off when we were taking pictures.”

“Punk!” Sunggyu yelled suddenly. Woohyun jumped, startled. “And why didn’t you tell me? Did you know how I felt?” He kept taking a step closer and closer to the other.
But Woohyun stayed still, even though his gaze was still at his feet. He then glanced up at the other. “I wanted you to suffer too,” he confessed. Sunggyu rolled his eyes and scoffed. “Don’t look at me like that,” Woohyun argued, poking Sunggyu in his chest. “Everyone else kept it from you too. Sujeong, Dongwoo, Myungsoo, even your own sister!”

“You all wanted me to suffer?” Sunggyu barked back.

Woohyun shrugged. “Pretty much.”

“Right because I’m the bad guy,”

“Pretty much.”

Sunggyu started laughing listlessly. “Alright, I’m the bad guy,” he accepted, especially for one reason: “Sujeong-ie? How is she?”

“Alright, considering someone confessed his undying love for me to her,” he teased as he picked Kongddeok back up.

Sunggyu pouted. “That was an accident,” he tried to excuse himself.

Woohyun gave his puppy a kiss and set her back down. “Yea, you’ve been having a lot of those lately,” he remarked. He then noticed the guilt-ridden expression on Sunggyu’s face. “Don’t worry,” Woohyun assured him. “She’s a strong girl. She was prepared. She had a feeling that this would happen.”

Sunggyu tilted his head. “What would happen?” he asked.

Woohyun reached over and took Sunggyu’s hand into his. He stared at their intertwined fingers and smiled. “This is the only way that things make sense,” he spoke lowly, his thumb running across the back of Sunggyu’s hand. He then yanked on it, pulling Sunggyu closer to him. Sunggyu lost his balance due to his clunky cast, and fell slightly onto the other. He could feel Woohyun’s chuckles vibrate through his chest. Woohyun finished, “If we’re together.”

Sunggyu laughed and raised his free hand to cup Woohyun’s cheek. “Is that so?” Sunggyu joked.

“Eung,” Woohyun nodded but still leaned into Sunggyu’s hand. “You’re my best friend.”

“And you’re mine,” Sunggyu whispered as he leaned in and kissed Woohyun softly. He pulled back and spoke lowly before diving back in. “I love you.”

“I…love…you…too,” Woohyun tried to speak whenever their lips parted, which wasn’t often. They had a lot of lost time to make up for.

As soon as his lease was up, Sunggyu moved back into the apartment with Woohyun. He wasn’t planning on leaving anytime soon. Dongwoo and Myungsoo visited less often, but only because they could only take the newly formed couple in small doses (they were hoping that the honeymoon phase would end fast). Sujeong was heartbroken, as one could imagine. But one day, she ran into a defense attorney with thick eyebrows and a she deemed to be superior to Woohyun’s (which was debatable). She and Lee Howon soon afterwards became a couple.

As for Sunggyu, he didn’t recollect all of his memories. There were things that were better left forgotten. But Woohyun was there to fill in some of the gaps (or he could just be making up episodes. Sunggyu would never know for sure). However, the memories that he liked best were the ones that they made together after he woke up.